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Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
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Mr. D Offline
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Post: #151
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
Women are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand...

“As long as you are going to be thinking anyway, think big.” - Donald J. Trump

"I don't get all the women I want, I get all the women who want me." - David Lee Roth
10-19-2017 07:16 AM
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christpuncher Offline
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Post: #152
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
How did the Mexican farmer find his daughter in a cornfield?


Quite satisfying.
10-19-2017 09:28 AM
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dark_g Offline
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Post: #153
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
A young missionary travels to a remote village in Africa to teach them how to read,write, build shelter and farm the land.

Upon reaching the village, he is not well received by the inhabitants, but he slowly and steadily wins them over.
After many years he's finally accepted by the people and gets along well with everyone, until one day the chief's daughter gives birth to a white child.

Infuriated but not ungrateful for what the missionary has done for the village, he gives him one chance to explain why a white baby is born in a village where he is the only White person for hundreds of miles.

The young man, tells him "I have nothing to do with it. The child is Albino, it is just one of the mysteries of genetics. It's the same with the sheep out in the field, most of them are white but sometimes a black one is born for no reason".

The chief pauses for a monemt , gives a frightened look to the missionary, then whispers, "I won't tell on you, if you don't tell on me".



.
(This post was last modified: 10-19-2017 10:55 AM by dark_g.)
10-19-2017 10:35 AM
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Paracelsus Offline
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Post: #154
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
It's the year 1885 and Dr. Bertrand Jones has headed into the depths of the American Wild West; he wants to investigate the story he's had about an Indian chief who is said to have a prodigious memory.

So he finds the village with the chief, and discovers they already know English. Led to the chief, and wanting to test his memory, he asks the chief "What did you have for breakfast on the 15th of October in 1849?"
"Eggs," replies the chief, a grim look on his face, arms folded before him.

Thrilled, Dr Jones heads back to civilisation and spends a couple of years lecturing about this amazing man. He decides to head back to further investigate the chief. This time, of course, he's learned a little of the language and customs, and so when he walks up to the chief this time, he raises his right hand and says "HOW!"
"Scrambled," says the chief.


----


A burglar breaks into a dark house. Suddenly he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you."
He assumes he's hearing things and keeps going around the house. Again, the voice: "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar turns on his light and finds a parrot in a cage. "Jesus is watching you," says the parrot.
The burglar smirks. "Talking parrot, is it? What's your name, pretty birdy?"
"My name is Moses," says the parrot.
The burglar laughs. "What kind of idiot names his parrot Moses?"
"Same kind of idiot who names his Doberman Jesus," says the parrot.

Remissas, discite, vivet.
God save us from people who mean well. -storm
(This post was last modified: 10-21-2017 06:36 AM by Paracelsus.)
10-21-2017 06:35 AM
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Gmac Offline
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Post: #155
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
I don't know where this belongs but... Laugh


Vice-Captain - #TeamWaitAndSee
10-21-2017 08:24 AM
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Dusty Offline
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Post: #156
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

Take care of those titties for me.
10-21-2017 12:57 PM
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Kona Online
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Post: #157
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
^^^ That's one of my favorite jokes. I gave you a reputation point for it.

Another of my favorites:

What did the blind guy say when he walked by the fish market? Hello Ladies!

Aloha!
10-21-2017 01:39 PM
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Post: #158
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds:

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

_______________________________________
- Does She Have The "Happy Gene" ?
-Inversion Therapy
-Let's lead by example


"Leap, and the net will appear". John Burroughs

"The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure."
Joseph Campbell
(This post was last modified: 10-21-2017 01:49 PM by PapayaTapper.)
10-21-2017 01:49 PM
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Horus Offline
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Post: #159
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
For all those posting insensitive politically incorrect jokes that make fun of people different from you, you need to take a good long look at yourselves. RVF membership is very diverse and we should think about the people we are potentially offending. Noboby here should have to log onto RVF and be subjected to jokes that make fun of things they cannot change, regardless of whether they are black, brown, Jewish, disabled, homosexual or normal.
(This post was last modified: 10-21-2017 02:24 PM by Horus.)
10-21-2017 02:23 PM
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Brodiaga Offline
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Post: #160
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
(10-21-2017 02:23 PM)Horus Wrote:  For all those posting insensitive politically incorrect jokes that make fun of people different from you, you need to take a good long look at yourselves. RVF membership is very diverse and we should think about the people we are potentially offending. Noboby here should have to log onto RVF and be subjected to jokes that make fun of things they cannot change, regardless of whether they are black, brown, Jewish, disabled, homosexual or normal.
I like this joke!
10-21-2017 02:36 PM
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roberto Offline
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Post: #161
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
Statistically speaking, nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape....

They who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety- Benjamin Franklin, as if you didn't know...
10-21-2017 04:15 PM
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The PerSev Offline
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Post: #162
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
(10-21-2017 02:23 PM)Horus Wrote:  For all those posting insensitive politically incorrect jokes that make fun of people different from you, you need to take a good long look at yourselves. RVF membership is very diverse and we should think about the people we are potentially offending. Noboby here should have to log onto RVF and be subjected to jokes that make fun of things they cannot change, regardless of whether they are black, brown, Jewish, disabled, homosexual or normal.
A fag decides he wants a baby, so he jacks off in a cup and uses the sperm to get a female friend of his pregnant. 9 months later he goes to the hospital and sees all the babies in the nursery. "Look" he says, "our baby's the sweetest one, he isn't even crying".

The nurse says "now he's not crying, just wait until we get the pacifier out of his ass".
10-21-2017 05:50 PM
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Dusty Offline
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Post: #163
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
(10-21-2017 02:23 PM)Horus Wrote:  For all those posting insensitive politically incorrect jokes that make fun of people different from you, you need to take a good long look at yourselves. RVF membership is very diverse and we should think about the people we are potentially offending. Noboby here should have to log onto RVF and be subjected to jokes that make fun of things they cannot change, regardless of whether they are black, brown, Jewish, disabled, homosexual or normal.

I agree, and after reflecting on your post I disavow my “blew a seal” joke above which was an otter disgrace.

Take care of those titties for me.
10-21-2017 06:15 PM
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Post: #164
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
(10-21-2017 01:39 PM)Kona Wrote:  Another of my favorites:

What did the blind guy say when he walked by the fish market? Hello Ladies!

Aloha!

Sopranos? Wink
10-21-2017 06:23 PM
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realologist Offline
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Post: #165
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
(10-21-2017 06:15 PM)Dusty Wrote:  
(10-21-2017 02:23 PM)Horus Wrote:  For all those posting insensitive politically incorrect jokes that make fun of people different from you, you need to take a good long look at yourselves. RVF membership is very diverse and we should think about the people we are potentially offending. Noboby here should have to log onto RVF and be subjected to jokes that make fun of things they cannot change, regardless of whether they are black, brown, Jewish, disabled, homosexual or normal.

I agree, and after reflecting on your post I disavow my “blew a seal” joke above which was an otter disgrace.

Yes. It was a fowl joke that was on the verge of being a cat-tashophry.
10-21-2017 06:33 PM
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BelyyTigr Offline
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Post: #166
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
QUESTION: Why weren't there any faggots onboard the Titanic?





ANSWER:



No one knew the fucking thing was gonna sink!!
10-21-2017 06:46 PM
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BelyyTigr Offline
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Post: #167
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
I parked my car in a disabled-only space yesterday. Having just taken an E, I got out, locked up and started dancing as I walked away from my car. Followed by a handstand.

A cop spotted me and immediately said "Oi, you parked in a disabled space, what the hell's YOUR disability?".

So I gave him the middle finger and said "Tourette's Syndrome, now FUCK OFF YOU CUNT!"
10-21-2017 06:51 PM
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TigerMandingo Offline
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Post: #168
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
(10-21-2017 06:46 PM)BelyyTigr Wrote:  QUESTION: Why weren't there any faggots onboard the Titanic?





ANSWER:



No one knew the fucking thing was gonna sink!!

I must be dumb. Can someone explain it?
10-21-2017 08:29 PM
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King of Monkeys Offline
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Post: #169
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
(10-21-2017 08:29 PM)TigerMandingo Wrote:  
(10-21-2017 06:46 PM)BelyyTigr Wrote:  QUESTION: Why weren't there any faggots onboard the Titanic?





ANSWER:



No one knew the fucking thing was gonna sink!!

I must be dumb. Can someone explain it?

People didn't know the Titanic was going to get suplexed by a crazy iceberg and get sucked into the lower regions of the ocean. Otherwise, they would have stuffed it with homosexuals beforehand had they known such a thing would have happened.

"Their emotional waves will swamp you if you're just quietly-floating, so you need to learn to surf." - AnonymousBosch

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10-21-2017 09:31 PM
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Syberpunk Offline
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Post: #170
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
And the Nobel Peace Prize for 2018 goes to........




John McCain's brain tumour.

There is nothing else you will ever need to read on self improvement, but this, the greatest thread post in history follows in the link below, REQUIRED READING. READ TO END.

Here you go, There is nothing else you will ever need to read on self improvement, but this

"I write only when inspiration strikes," he replied. "Fortunately it strikes every morning at nine o'clock sharp.

OUR LIVES ARE WRITTEN IN PEN NOT PENCIL, not because we should want to forget but remember, so be absolutely sure about what you write.
10-21-2017 09:49 PM
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DJ-Matt Offline
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Post: #171
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
(10-21-2017 06:15 PM)Dusty Wrote:  I agree, and after reflecting on your post I disavow my “blew a seal” joke above which was an otter disgrace.

OK, now I HAVE to post this:






Did you hear the one about the gay whale? He bit the end off a submarine and sucked out all the seamen!

Team visible roots
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(02-11-2019 05:10 PM)Atlanta Man Wrote:  I take pussy how it comes -but I do now prefer it shaved low at least-you cannot eat what you cannot see.
(This post was last modified: 10-21-2017 11:06 PM by DJ-Matt.)
10-21-2017 11:04 PM
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Paracelsus Offline
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Post: #172
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
The little Indian boy goes up to his father, the Indian chief, and asks, "Father, how did my brother Thunderstrike get his name?"
"Well, my son," says the chief, "when your brother was born, I looked outside the tent and there was a roll of thunder, so I named him Thunderstrike."
"And what about my sister, Red Sun Rises?"
"Well, when your sister was born, I looked outside the tent and it was dawn with the sun in the east, and all around was red, so I named her Red Sun Rises." The indian chief frowns. "Why so many questions, Two Dogs Fucking?"

Remissas, discite, vivet.
God save us from people who mean well. -storm
(This post was last modified: 10-21-2017 11:27 PM by Paracelsus.)
10-21-2017 11:25 PM
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Post: #173
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

_______________________________________
- Does She Have The "Happy Gene" ?
-Inversion Therapy
-Let's lead by example


"Leap, and the net will appear". John Burroughs

"The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure."
Joseph Campbell
10-23-2017 09:49 PM
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Paracelsus Offline
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Post: #174
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
Hello, Save The Baby Harp Seals Foundation? Can you save one for me? I'll bring my own baseball bat...

Remissas, discite, vivet.
God save us from people who mean well. -storm
10-24-2017 02:37 AM
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Post: #175
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
The director had a thing for his hot secretary. She had a boyfriend. One day, he came to her with an indecent proposal:

Director: I'll give you 300€ if you have sex with me.
Secretary: No way.
D: Come on, I'll be fast. I'll drop the money on the floor, and by the time you pick up the money, I'll be done.
S: Hmmm. I'll ask my boyfriend.

Boyfriend: You should say yes, but ask for 500€. You just pick up the money quickly, he won't even have time to take down his trousers.

So...an hour later, the boyfriend calls her and asks..."hello my love, did you listen to my advice?"

Secretary: Yes, but the bastard paid with coins!
(This post was last modified: 10-24-2017 06:14 AM by Cation.)
10-24-2017 06:14 AM
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