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I have no friends in my everyday life
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DonovanVC Offline
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Post: #201
RE: I have no friends in my everyday life
It seems pretty hard to make friends once you hit your early to mid 30s, as people start having kids and/or careers get more serious. The only way I've found to make friends is to be an expat. Over the last few years, I've definitely lost friends and when I tried harder, it seemed to get worse. One thing I have yet to try is joining a sports team, which I may give a shot in the fall. All the other stuff has been very inconsistent - going out, going to meetups, doing language exchanges, trying to meet people through work, etc.
08-03-2019 07:30 PM
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Oberrheiner Offline
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Post: #202
RE: I have no friends in my everyday life
(08-03-2019 06:31 PM)uhriginal Wrote:  Anyone bored on the weekends? Seems like there's nothing to do w/o friends

Come on now, this is just stupid.

How many languages do you speak ?
How many instruments do you play ?
How much do you read ?
How many sports are you good at ?
Can you work with wood ?
Can you weld ?
Build your own tools .. ?
08-04-2019 05:25 AM
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monsquid Offline
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Post: #203
RE: I have no friends in my everyday life
(08-04-2019 05:25 AM)Oberrheiner Wrote:  
(08-03-2019 06:31 PM)uhriginal Wrote:  Anyone bored on the weekends? Seems like there's nothing to do w/o friends

Come on now, this is just stupid.

How many languages do you speak ?
How many instruments do you play ?
How much do you read ?
How many sports are you good at ?
Can you work with wood ?
Can you weld ?
Build your own tools .. ?

While I see your point I have to push back and say that not all people are as hobby driven as you recommend. This is especially true for people with a highly demanding primary career that takes up a lot of their energy. Some people enjoy their jobs and don't necessarily want active hobbies outside of work.

Hanging out with quality friends is a different type of activity. True friends you can just show up and be yourself without having to pretend. I'd say that this kind of freewheeling spontaneous and relaxed hanging out is what we seek the most. A tight group of friends that accept you for who you are, warts and all, is all that we ask for. Friendships don't have to have tangible benefits beyond itself.
08-05-2019 11:11 AM
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Rigsby Offline
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Post: #204
RE: I have no friends in my everyday life
(08-03-2019 07:30 PM)DonovanVC Wrote:  It seems pretty hard to make friends once you hit your early to mid 30s, as people start having kids and/or careers get more serious. The only way I've found to make friends is to be an expat. Over the last few years, I've definitely lost friends and when I tried harder, it seemed to get worse. One thing I have yet to try is joining a sports team, which I may give a shot in the fall. All the other stuff has been very inconsistent - going out, going to meetups, doing language exchanges, trying to meet people through work, etc.

It gets much much harder after that.

Until you reach a point where you are so old that young people are volunteering to 'help' you because they have just had a sniff of their own mortality, or perhaps they even get paid.

I haven't had a conversation with another human being in about a decade. I'd like to say I live as a monk or I am some kind of mystical hermit, and while I do have certain things in common with those who live out on the edge of town, I'd be lying if I said this was voluntary on my part.

I didn't seek enlightenment. It found me. I would have choosen to be a care-free fool all my life, given half the chance. But that was not my fate, so I made the best of what life threw at me, whilst taking responsibility for the things in life I failed at.

As a man past a certain age point, it is just impossible to make new friends if you are in a certain social situation. I passed that point long ago. But I believe it may still be possible to move to new social structures, I still have hope about that. But then again, I've kind of gone past caring. Hope dies last...

I know that I'm just one hit record away from having more friends in the world that I can handle, and all that fresh young pussy that suddenly finds me 'interesting'.

Meditate on that!


You get wizened as you get older.

But you also get wisened.


Banana
08-05-2019 04:39 PM
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Rigsby Offline
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Post: #205
RE: I have no friends in my everyday life
(08-05-2019 11:11 AM)monsquid Wrote:  
(08-04-2019 05:25 AM)Oberrheiner Wrote:  
(08-03-2019 06:31 PM)uhriginal Wrote:  Anyone bored on the weekends? Seems like there's nothing to do w/o friends

Come on now, this is just stupid.

How many languages do you speak ?
How many instruments do you play ?
How much do you read ?
How many sports are you good at ?
Can you work with wood ?
Can you weld ?
Build your own tools .. ?

While I see your point I have to push back and say that not all people are as hobby driven as you recommend. This is especially true for people with a highly demanding primary career that takes up a lot of their energy. Some people enjoy their jobs and don't necessarily want active hobbies outside of work.

Hanging out with quality friends is a different type of activity. True friends you can just show up and be yourself without having to pretend. I'd say that this kind of freewheeling spontaneous and relaxed hanging out is what we seek the most. A tight group of friends that accept you for who you are, warts and all, is all that we ask for. Friendships don't have to have tangible benefits beyond itself.



While I see your point I have to push back and say that not all people are as hobby driven as you recommend.

It's not about hobbies per se, which are more about amusement and passing idle time, it's about self-actualisation.

These things mentioned (and I'll repeat them here) -


How many languages do you speak ?
How many instruments do you play ?
How much do you read ?
How many sports are you good at ?
Can you work with wood ?
Can you weld ?
Build your own tools .. ?


All have much higher value in the real world more than passing idle time, or any other connotation associated with 'hobbies'. I said in another thread that the word 'hobby' is kind of derogatory in a sense.

Anyway, semantics aside, all those aforementioned pursuits have real value on more than one level. If a man lived for a thousand years, he would have need for all of them in aggregate to pursue the noble aim of becoming a well-rounded and complete man. Able to look after himself, his family and his community.


This is especially true for people with a highly demanding primary career that takes up a lot of their energy. Some people enjoy their jobs and don't necessarily want active hobbies outside of work.

Some people are international corporate lawyers. Know one or two. They don't even have time for their immediate family let alone working with wood. Are you really one of those super high-powered people? Maybe you are. It's not about being 'hobby-driven' as you so put it. It's about smelling the roses. About enjoying the fruits of your pursuits. What pleasure is there for a man to work so hard to bring up a young child and to put it through college, if they can not even have the time to attend the graduation?

I knew an executive from the Shell oil company. One of the worst corporations on earth. He didn't care for his family. He lived in a massive house in the country. But you know what? He kept chickens. He loved those little things, rearing them, seeing them grow. He was a psychopath, removed from society and himself and his family, but still he found time for his 'active hobby'.

When you get high enough up the corporate ladder, you too can keep chickens.



Hanging out with quality friends is a different type of activity. True friends you can just show up and be yourself without having to pretend. I'd say that this kind of freewheeling spontaneous and relaxed hanging out is what we seek the most. A tight group of friends that accept you for who you are, warts and all, is all that we ask for. Friendships don't have to have tangible benefits beyond itself.

How many quality friends do you have?

And how do you class a quality friend?

Someone that can give value to your life? That can reciprocate any kindness to you in a quid pro quo fashion?

Or someone that you see as vulnerable, yet you still like and want to nurture, not even for any future gains, just because...

Is one of these friends someone you don't really like, but saved your life one time when you were drowning, and you know, you kind of still owe them a debt, even if they are a bit of a prick...

Is it someone very different to you from a lower social class, but gosh darn it, if they aren't just the funniest person in the world, and so what if all your other well-to-do friends don't find them funny, you are gonna keep them around, just because...


It sounds to me like you are quantifying 'friendship' not so much in a qualitative way (as alluded to above) but more in an quantitative way (quid pro quo).

Now, I am going totally against the grain of what you were quite explicitly saying. I'm aware of that. But I'm just getting this feeling. And I may be totally wrong. Apologies if so.

A tight group of friends that accept you for who you are, warts and all, is all that we ask for. Friendships don't have to have tangible benefits beyond itself.

Yes, it's all we ask for. But how many of us get? How many of us even get one friend to fulfil this pipe dream? (I know some do, but many don't)

Friendship is always about reciprocity. Well, most the time anyway. When you end up doing things for people who can't even help themselves, let alone help you back, it quickly becomes charity. Nothing wrong with that.

I'm just reacting to your reaction from someone else's reaction to the fact that - Anyone bored on the weekends? Seems like there's nothing to do w/o friends

There is a correlation between psychopathy and being bored.

Psychopaths just want cool people to hang out with, to just let them be themselves.

Not calling anyone here a psycho btw.

But then you get those 'weird' men, who work with wood, can weld, fix a petrol engine, can even design a midi controller keyboard to operate software synths in their computer that they built.

Are they ever bored? Do they have time for boredom?

But having said all that, it's a terrible symptom of depression to lose interest in all things, perhaps even stuff you held dearly and were passionate about. Boredom, or rather 'anhedonia' is a crippling mental disorder. People spend weeks sometimes not even getting out of bed, because it bores them.

Yes, it's great to have lots of friends who accept us for who we are, warts and all, and who don't even ask for anything in return. Nothing tells you you are loved more than unconditional love. But how many of us get that even from our family, let alone our friends?

Not singling you out Monsquid, just using your post as a vehicle to get some thoughts down. Don't read too much in to it in a personal sense. Sometimes I react myself to the positive in the negative, if that makes sense.


Hanging out with quality friends is a different type of activity. True friends you can just show up and be yourself without having to pretend. I'd say that this kind of freewheeling spontaneous and relaxed hanging out is what we seek the most. A tight group of friends that accept you for who you are, warts and all, is all that we ask for. Friendships don't have to have tangible benefits beyond itself.

These words, from the heart, are very true.
08-05-2019 05:23 PM
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Graft Offline
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Post: #206
RE: I have no friends in my everyday life
My only female friend just randomly blocked me on everything.

The older I get, the more people that do this to me, and the more I realize that friendships are bullshit, at least in contemporary American society.

I'm starting to relate to Donald Trump's personal life more and more. He barely spends time with his kids. He admittedly doesn't care about his wives that much. It's clear that he doesn't put a lot of emphasis on touchy-feely friendships that are expected from women and society.

He cares only about power, money, and being handsome. He knows that if he conquers the world, he'll be able to meet friends on the way up. He knows that if he's handsome and wealthy, he can always replace the people who exit his life.

Truth is, if you get to a certain level of accomplishment in life, you'll meet other people who are high value and want to be in your vicinity.

The purpose of an adult male is to conquer.

I built this empire and I did it by myself. Nobody did it for me. Not Ivana, not Marla. Nobody! ~Donald Trump
08-07-2019 05:01 PM
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tomzestatlu Offline
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Post: #207
RE: I have no friends in my everyday life
(07-28-2019 02:55 PM)Broadband Wrote:  
(07-27-2019 01:25 PM)tomzestatlu Wrote:  I always look at these people and rather than attracted to idea of being a member of such group, I feel disgusted. Bunch of chubby boring guys, who gave up on their lifes and are trying to be fun once a week, when they get leave from their fat ugly girlfriend.
I´m not joining this club of desperation.

Sounds like a bunch of judgement and projection. Perhaps they are with that group because they are fun, outgoing, nice, etc. Many people overcompensate for their weight by being overly friendly and going out of their way for others which is great social currency even if from a mindset of desperation.

It's just like approaching women. People assume they are taken, bitchy, slutty, whatever and because of this never approach even if that woman is seeking and a sweetheart.

Don't be so quick to judge and be willing to accept people who might not have their life together completely can be happy and be happy for them. Who knows those aspects of them might even rub off.

I understand your point. I agree they might be friendly and even funny. Going out on Friday night with bunch of friends is always fun. I was a member of this groups. But for last years I have been struggling to stay away from these people. Even though they are nice and friendly.

This weekend I had two days off and I met with my good friend from high school. He´s the connection I value so much. One of the cleverest and achieving guys I know. For past year he achieved two things, that only few single persons in this country did. And we were hiking since lunch until midnight and while walking and talking about stuff, we got drunk. Then we slept in a forest. That was really nice.
But outcome if this weekend wasn´t just hangover and Sunday depression, but inspiration for who I want to become and bonding true friendship.
(This post was last modified: 08-09-2019 02:43 AM by tomzestatlu.)
08-09-2019 02:41 AM
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a beer is enough Away
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Post: #208
RE: I have no friends in my everyday life
At some point I struggled with this but in the recent months, my social life has done a 180 and taken off for the better. If I had to pin it down to one thing, I will say a great deal of it has to do with your mindset and the vibe you give off. People love being around happy, optimistic, and higher energy people in generally, they love leaving the interaction feeling good. The issue I notice with most men who complain, myself included, is that when you give off a critical and overly negative vibe, people will actively avoid you.

I noticed this at a younger professionals networking event I went to, made two good friends from it (both of them I wing with). Through them I made more friends and I also meet up for drinks with others from the event. We had one older guy who was a happy go lucky life of the party, borderline douchebag but fun to be around. Whenever I have run into the guy, he has had company with him and others in our group try to get him to hang out.

I also met a couple younger guys who were negative, gossipy, and borderline cynical. Everyone I talk to now avoids them and barely remembers them except for one of my friends who said they are never being invited out to drinks again.

TLDR; people love being around rationally confident DGAF personalities and hate being around Debbie Downers.

While events and groups can help, people will still be in draft mode for who they want in their circles.

Every guy wants a guy friend who can get laid or is the life of the party.
(This post was last modified: 08-09-2019 06:13 PM by a beer is enough.)
08-09-2019 06:12 PM
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