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Morbidly obese. Desperate for advice on where to start.
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etwsake Offline
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Post: #129
RE: Morbidly obese. Desperate for advice on where to start.
Thank you again SamuelBRoberts, for your lengthy reply.

Hearing stories from guys that have struggled with weight, or other seemingly insurmountable obstacles, is inspiring to me.

I don't know how deep I've ever really probed into the underlying issues of my weight gain other than being lazy and loving to eat.

But there's more. A lot more. I always figured it was unrelated but it's probably not. I've been a bundle of anxiety since I was a little kid. I was smarter than other kids my age, and it caused a lot of problems. I don't know if I've ever had a night of natural, deep sleep. Even as a kid, I was up later than my parents cause my brain just can't switch off. I would obsess about death and dying and the concept of infinity like some kind of Woody Allen-esque neurotic and I was only 7 or 8 years old.

Alcohol and pills were the only way I could get to sleep for years. I quit drinking and I've developed a tolerance to most pills after years of (ab)use. In addition to whatever my body is doing (stopping breathing, undoubtedly) I also have freak out/panic attacks/night terrors almost every single night. Right as I'm about to fall asleep, I'll get some thought, like I'm gonna die or everyone I know is gonna die, and I'll sit up in bed screaming. I've had girls sleeping peacefully next to me and I've actually screamed in their face in the dead of night.

I thought I was crazy. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe if you're reading this you'll think I'm making it up. But a few years ago I heard other people describing it and I was so overjoyed to know it's not just me I almost cried listening to these people describe the experience. If you have time, listen to this segment; it's exactly what I go through almost every night:

https://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-a...leep?act=5

So in addition to the anxiety and depression and insomnia, I obviously have substance abuse issues cause I can't just have a shot of whiskey; I have to finish the bottle in one go. I can't eat a slice of pizza; I eat the entire damn thing.

I'm not trying to make this post a pissing contest about how messed up I am. I'm just trying to give a more accurate picture of where I'm coming from. So why didn't I try to address all of this at some point earlier in my life? I tried various anti-depressants and nothing made any difference. The numbness of being black out drunk was the only thing that worked, but that's like putting a band-aid on a severed limb. I guess I just resigned myself to the idea that this is how life is, and there's no way to fix it.

Anyway, about food. I am already drinking tochuka tea every morning. And the chicken breast isn't as bad as it sounds. I cut up it up into pieces and boil it just cause it cooks faster. I add lemon and pepper so it actually tastes good.

Although, someone mentioned some posts back about getting into a mindset where basically anything will taste good, just cause you're so hungry all the time. I get what he means. For most of my life, eating was (is) the highlight of my day. I'd already be thinking about meals days in advance. Eating was my reason to be, not the other way around.

And the first time I read "Lone Wolf and Cub" this panel just knocked me out:

[Image: BwIAS9f.jpg]

I need to adopt that samurai mindset. Food is just fuel. It's not something to lust over and overindulge in or take pictures of, for god's sake. I need to learn how to eat to live, and not to live just to eat.
05-31-2017 06:46 AM
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RE: Morbidly obese. Desperate for advice on where to start. - etwsake - 05-31-2017 06:46 AM

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