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When people say being a nice guy is bad, what do they mean?
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Stirfry Offline

Posts: 233
Joined: Aug 2015
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Post: #30
RE: When people say being a nice guy is bad, what do they mean?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because over the past few years since my separation and some bad experiences with online dating I’ve become more selfish with my time and attention and more choosy about what I want in a woman. Previously, I would fall all over myself trying to show off to or please a woman probably like a lot of us (what we would call “the nice guy”). I’m 52 now, dating women close to my age, and I’m tired of jumping through hoops for mediocre snatch. After sampling what’s out there, I realized how they overrated themselves and switched to “no, I can’t go with you to see Laurie Anderson in concert because I want to watch the ballgame” or “I’m tired and have to be up early for work tomorrow” or whatever (I’ve found that it’s even better not to offer an excuse at all). I was certain that with too many “nos” the girl would eventually break up with me, but accepted that strong possibility because none of these girls were worth it- After two years of online dating, I didn’t care anymore.

Lo and behold, it was quite the opposite. Since I’ve become an ‘asshole’ who says no and doesn’t dole out attention any more, women are very attracted to me. I don’t want to get into examples and it’s not a case of bragging because I didn’t “take advantage” of most of it. To me, it’s more like an experiment. Now, after all this time trying to please, when I no longer give a shit, suddenly they are attracted to me? Why?

Well, the answer is in the question itself. I don’t give a shit. Put simply, being aloof, being cool, not giving them the attention they crave, and acting like you have something going on aside from them is what they want (even moreso than looks- a whole other discussion but I’m pretty average looking and it doesn’t matter much). And this is what many guys see as being an asshole. Admittedly, sometimes those guys, because they are directed and have goals, can seem to be assholes, and some can be a little brusque, but they aren’t bad people.

Women don’t want pushovers, they don’t want a doormat, they don’t want all the things that we consider characteristics of “nice guys.” The only real asshole is the obsequious, oleaginous guy who builds his life around one particular woman and his only goal during the day is to please her. How could you have respect for someone like that?

It makes a lot of sense because it reminds me of the one friend that was in your group when you were a kid who was just so needy and would do anything for approval. Everyone hated this person, right? He was the last one picked in any sport and the last called for any activity (or often not called at all- he would just tag along with someone else and show up). We all know a guy like that maybe some of us have been that guy and it makes total sense. Its an ingratiation strategy that winds up being repulsive to both men and women alike.

And yes- A woman who is very specifically attracted to real assholes, abusive guys, guys who cheat on them, etc. have many more problems than just their sexual partners.
11-21-2019 03:49 PM
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RE: When people say being a nice guy is bad, what do they mean? - Stirfry - 11-21-2019 03:49 PM

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