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Working in the Canadian oil sands: 6 figures in 6 months!
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scotian Offline
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Post: #1258
RE: Working in the Canadian oil sands: 6 figures in 6 months!
The piss test, my boss and my penis:

As I've alluded to in other posts on this forum I used to be stoner of epic proportions and puffed ganja on a daily basis. Well as I've matured and my career progressed, I had to give it up (ok I still puff once in a blue moon when I`m not working) because as you guys are aware, piss testing (pre-employment, post incident, reasonable suspicion) is standard in the oil sands. This is the story of how I learned the hard way and finally decided to give up the toking.

Summer of 2009: By now I'm settled in Edmonton and working in town, mostly at fabrication shops around the city. I'm working night shift with a solid crew of heavy metal head bangers, there's about a dozen of us and the crew is entirely East Coast Canadians and all of us smoke dope, it was basically a requirement if you wanted to fit and being the pot head that I was, I was in like Flynn. It was basically like an episode of the Trailer Park Boys, except we were doing industrial shop work, blasting Slayer on the boom box and sneaking out for doobies as we did our work, which we did quite well, despite the drug use.

After a few months of this I was getting bored of the routine and realized that these guys I`d been working with had all been doing the exact same thing for several years and hadn`t progressed in their careers, the weed was probably a contributing factor. So I went into the big boss`s office one day and told him that I needed a change and would like to head up north to work out of the Fort McMurray office and stay in camp. He said he`d look into it but told me to study for a piss test. Basically this means getting off the ganja and this can take a few weeks to do, my boss knew that I was a stoner, having smoked me up on several occasions outside of work.

So I gave up the toking and a couple of weeks later my boss calls me up and tells me there`s an unscheduled shut down going on up north that he wants me to go on in a few days. One of the first things he asks me is if I can pass a piss test and I assured him that I could.

Well I wasn`t sure, I was sweating bullets as the piss test day approached, I was drinkign tons of water, taking cranberry pills, researching how long it takes THC to leave the body, etc. In the end, I decided to buy a bag of synthetic urine, which one of my friends (also an epic stoner) told me worked for him every time. So off to the head shop I went and I bought an $80 bag of fake piss, something like this:

The big day arrived and I got my bag of fake piss ready: I laid it out on a table, put on the heat warmers and watched the temp strip increase, except it wasn`t getting warm enough. Now as any of you who have done piss test knows, the urine has to be a certain temperature (96F I think) and thats the first thing they measure, if its above or below, you fail. The time is quickly approaching and I`m fucking panicking, why the fuck isn`t it getting up to temperature?. I have no time left and have to go, so I strap the kit on and go to the test centre, before I left my car I took one last look at the temp strip and it still wasn`t up, although it was getting there.

So I went inside and did the piss test, the lady doing the test informs me within about 30 seconds of handing her my cup of piss that the temperature is off and I failed, fuck! So what now I ask (I`m really worried now because I know my boss will be PISSED if I fail) and she tells me I`ll have to wait an hour, drink some water and then one of their male employees will have to witness me urinating into a cup. Damn, I can`t believe this is happening.

***TIP: the reason I fucked it up is because instead of leaving the stupid thing on the table to heat up with the heat pads, you`re supposed to put the thing on an hour before and your body heat will also warm it up. What I should have done when I first arrived was to tell them I didn`t need to pee, stall for time and let my body warm the thing up, but I was too stressed and not thinking straight at the time.

Anyway, I`m sitting in the lobby of this piss test centre and after about an hour, my boss walks in and he doesn`t look too happy. Also, this guy stands at about 6`5, over a foot taller than me and can be quite intimidating. He asks me whats up and I tell him I fucked up the test with a piss kit but will be doing another one shortly, he asks me if I think I can pass and I say yes, he`s not very impressed.

I then asked him what he was doing there and he says that the piss testers called him to come down there regarding my issue. Then the lady comes over and informs me unfortunately Scotian, our only male employee isn`t working today so we called your boss to come here and he will have to personally witness you urinating in a sample cup.

FUCK ME! So into the small restroom we went, my boss and I and I have to whip out my cock and piss into the cup in front of him, how embarrassing! I`m nervous, he`s pissed off, it was definitely an awkward situation. We go back to the office and he gives me a good dressing down in very non-PC language, you little fucker, I can`t believe I had to go through that, you better pray to God that you pass that fucking test because you`re driving up to Fort Mac tomorrow at 6am and we won`t get the results until noon. If you fucking fail, you can find your own way back to Edmonton and we`ll then discuss your future employment with this company!

Mortified, I head back home and probably had a couple of drinks, but definitely no doobies. I packed my bags and didn`t get much sleep that night, I met my co-worker the next day at 6am and we began the 7 hour drive to site.

At noon my boss calls me and I`m fucking sweating bullets again, he then says ``congratulations you little bastard, you passed the test, good luck working up there and I don`t ever want to see your cock again``. Fuckin eh!!! Apparently all of the water drinking worked and the THC was out of my system and I passed the test, I went on to work 24 days straight, 100+ hours a week and the massive pay cheques I banked got me addicted to the big oil sands money and I haven`t worked anywhere but Fort Mac since.

Lessons learned: Well after that stress, drama and embarrassment, I promised myself I wouldn`t put myself in that situation again. Guys, take it from me, although I like to smoke up, it just isn`t worth it in the end, even though lots of guys still do it on their days off and at work, the rules are getting stricter and some sites such as Suncor are doing random tests these days. Not only are you jeopardizing your own career and potentially costing yourself lots of money (ex: if you fail a test at Suncor, as a contractor you will be banned from all of their sites), you`re fucking with your company`s scheduling and management. When your company asks you if you`re good to go, tell them the truth because these tests usually occur the day before you go to site, if you fail, it leaves them scrambling to find a replacement. This can fuck up their ability to provide their service to the client and your company could
end up losing the contract, you then lose work and your co-workers, many of who are family guys with mouths to feed can lose work too, so keep that in mind.

Boys, I could write another 50 pages in this thread about these stupid stories, the oil patch is a gold mine for retarded behavior!

Don’t sweat the petty things, pet the sweaty things.
04-12-2013 03:14 AM
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Messages In This Thread
Risks, opportunities, import/export - OSL - 03-16-2013, 06:58 AM
RE: Working in the Canadian oil sands: 6 figures in 6 months! - scotian - 04-12-2013 03:14 AM