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Mental Health, Identity Crisis and other Countries
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Lam Offline

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Joined: Apr 2012
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Mental Health, Identity Crisis and other Countries
It all started 20 years ago, in a cold Western European country. Born to parents of an "immigrant" background. Like most children, I went to school and did most of the things toddlers and young kids do. At age 8, I moved to a South American country where my parents grew up in. My parents always wanted to move back there since they were tired of the rat race and felt like being in their 'own environment' would be better for them, I don't disagree with that.

However, after a few years in South America, I moved back to that European country with my mother. The country I was born in suddenly seemed very strange to me. I was 8 when I moved away, I was 12 now. I clearly remember the first day I went to school there. I was in a class with people who had a different accent than me, looked different and acted different. I was asked THE question I would get asked the most during my time in that Country: "Where are you from?" I answered: "From right here." Everyone started laughing and saying: "Liar. People with your skin color are never from here."

I didn't realize yet that to be 'one of them,' you have to look like them. After 5 months in Europe, I became a problem child and my mother couldn't handle me. After a total of 7 months, we moved back to South America. At least I was happier there because I was around people who weren't constantly asking me what my background is. If they would ask, I would say that I am from "Country in Europe."

All went well until my mother started missing Europe again. I decided I won't go anymore, so she went alone. But as time passed, I once again felt the need to go back to that Country at age 15. This time I was at the age for High School and as before, I went with my mother. My mother and school realized I was becoming more of a problem child than before. I started skipping school. This was the final draw for the school. They called child services and they picked me up from home.

They interrogated me for an hour. They asked me all sorts of questions ranging from abuse, psychological problems, etc. I was told that if I didn't go to school until age 18, I was going to be taken away from my parents. At that moment, I knew that this wasn't my country anymore. The people and the Country didn't meet my values and ideas at all. I didn't make any good friends at all in school. I was bullied, I started eating more and became a die hard rebel.

I left after a few months.

I decided to take peace in the thought of living in South America, even though I knew I would move back when I was 18 and child services couldn't do anything to me. But I would always know that both Countries don't belong to me, but at least I could live in peace in South America.

Fast forward to 2010. I finished high school and I went back because I wanted a European drivers license, the ones from South America don't mean that much. I came to Europe with the thought that I would make it this time because I was much 'older and wiser.' Since I was 18, I flew solo and lived solo.

By the 2 month mark, I've gotten used to the all time popular question of 'where are you from,' and a new one 'salam alaykum.' Apparently I looked Muslim to a lot of people. After getting stopped and searched by the police almost weekly (I somehow always fit the description of someone they are looking for), and getting denied entrance to nightclubs only because of my skin color, I decided to leave the Country again.

At least I made friends this time.

After all my experiences in that European Country and in South America. I came to the following conclusion about myself:

I will always be a guest and feel like a guest in both places.
I do not identify myself with any race or culture.
Thus feeling like an individual, a person who is unique in every way. There is no one like me.

Here I am, wondering if it would've been better if my parents stayed in one place forever. I will never know that answer.

I have always had the dream of moving to America and having an American Dream of my own. As far as I know, that's the Country that has been built on immigrants. It doesn't matter what color your skin or whatever your culture is (to some extent), you will always be considered American.

I have no idea what I should do or where I should go. Chances are the place I would go to could be the same as where I am now. Maybe I should try Europe for one last time with a completely open mind. I don't know.

Sorry for this long post as my first post on here, but I needed to get it out of my system.
(This post was last modified: 04-01-2012 09:35 AM by Lam.)
04-01-2012 09:32 AM
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