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Breakup therapy?
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OGNorCal707 Offline
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Post: #26
RE: Breakup therapy?
So my ex broke up with me on Friday night and I went no contact and today she starts texting me and invited me out for a drink and said that she really needed to talk to me and called me a couple times, but I didn't answer. I basically told her that I wanted to be alone and have some personal time to reflect on things.

I get the sense that maybe she's thought shit over and is going to want to reconcile and try to get back together. What I didn't mention for those who read my previous write up, she basically tried to break up with me a month prior and spent the night on the couch, but then the next day she started crying and apologized and said she wanted to try to make things work, so I forgave her and we got back together.

I told myself that if she tried to break up with me a second time that would be the last straw and I wouldn't fall back into getting into a relationship with her. While I do still feel like I love her and have strong feelings I think I need to stick to my guns and not relapse into getting back with her.

Basically I can't deal with this shit, her wanting to break up and dumping me, only to reconsider and change her mind and want to get back together. I'm not a puppet on a string that she can string along, and jerk around, I don't want to be in a constant state of emotional turmoil where I don't know where my relationship with her stands.

It sucks and I really feel like it's her loss and she's making a big mistake, but I think I would be making a big mistake if I get back with her, after she broke up with me a second time. It just goes to show that she's unstable emotionally and doesn't know what she wants.
08-04-2014 12:26 AM
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Glaucon Offline
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Post: #27
RE: Breakup therapy?
(08-04-2014 12:26 AM)OGNorCal707 Wrote:  So my ex broke up with me on Friday night and I went no contact and today she starts texting me and invited me out for a drink and said that she really needed to talk to me and called me a couple times, but I didn't answer. I basically told her that I wanted to be alone and have some personal time to reflect on things.

I get the sense that maybe she's thought shit over and is going to want to reconcile and try to get back together. What I didn't mention for those who read my previous write up, she basically tried to break up with me a month prior and spent the night on the couch, but then the next day she started crying and apologized and said she wanted to try to make things work, so I forgave her and we got back together.

I told myself that if she tried to break up with me a second time that would be the last straw and I wouldn't fall back into getting into a relationship with her. While I do still feel like I love her and have strong feelings I think I need to stick to my guns and not relapse into getting back with her.

Basically I can't deal with this shit, her wanting to break up and dumping me, only to reconsider and change her mind and want to get back together. I'm not a puppet on a string that she can string along, and jerk around, I don't want to be in a constant state of emotional turmoil where I don't know where my relationship with her stands.

It sucks and I really feel like it's her loss and she's making a big mistake, but I think I would be making a big mistake if I get back with her, after she broke up with me a second time. It just goes to show that she's unstable emotionally and doesn't know what she wants.

The only thing that helped me in this kind of situation is total radio silence. Deleter her number, unfriend on facebook, delete email everything. The smallest thing that can remind you of her can undermine your recovery.
08-04-2014 12:29 AM
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MasterBacja Offline
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Post: #28
RE: Breakup therapy?
One of the most deceptive things is that feeling that you can reconnect with an ex while keeping the whole thing at arms length. I've been there, and it feels like you're running things with a "red pill" mindset if you do it, but that's the deception: unfortunately - and i stress the unfortunately aspect - no matter what you'll never be able to win that battle. The catch-22 is that if you're capable of loving and investing yourself in a girl to begin with you are also unlikely to be capable of the straight "keep her in the rotation" move. No shame in it, there's generations of men before us (and I mean actual men) who have been in this exact position. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses.

Just like any other tried and true human condition, this is something that has existed since time immemorial. I like the advice that this is something to be cherished - someday you'll be past it, unable to process anything like you can in your youth and you'll only wish you could feel the hurt that can come after the euphoric highs. "The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat" is meant to reflect the significance of both outcomes. That's what being alive is.

You ultimately decide what you do. Just don't let your judgment be clouded by your instinctual need to not feel hurt. Hard work can hurt, sacrifice can hurt, and patience can even hurt but you gotta remember not to drive by looking two feet in front of your hood. Take solace in the normalcy and know that whatever you do, at least a million men before you have been where you've been.
08-04-2014 01:19 AM
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Days of Broken Arrows Offline
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Post: #29
RE: Breakup therapy?
Create a folder of her worst pics to remind you of her worst qualities.

Go into her Facebook profile or any other online space where she has pics. Find the ones you've always hated (we all have these, no matter how hot the girl). Put them all in a folder labeled "Disgusting."

Anytime you start to miss her, look at these pics. Realize that if she looks bad sometimes now, this is the way she'll look all the time in a few years, so no big loss. Also, if she has bothersome qualities now, these will get worse as well. Much worse.

It also helps if some of the photos are with screwed-up family members you'd have been stuck with had you wifed her up: her pilled-out mother, her ancient, miserable dad, and her gangata sister who has a nasty little gangsta toddler you know is gonna end up in prison eventually.

Er...that last part of is just random examples, of course. Wouldn't know anyone like that.
(This post was last modified: 08-05-2014 05:32 PM by Days of Broken Arrows.)
08-05-2014 05:29 PM
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Walderschmidt Offline
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Post: #30
RE: Breakup therapy?
The biggest thing you can do is just give it time. And keep moving forward.

Getting girls helps, but I won't lie and say that will solve it. Like cold medicine, it doesn't actually cure the cold, just masks the symptoms (new pussy makes you forget old pussy in the moment).

In ninth grade, I pined for a girl I never kissed. When she finally openly rejected me I pined for many moons more.

In my freshman year of college, I pined many moons for an ex girlfriend who I failed to lay (she was a virgin and so was I).

And now, a year before graduation, I still miss an ex-girlfriend of mine, despite having plowed through 5 girls after her, and being in a long term relationship with one of them shortly after she (the ex-girlfriend) broke up with me.

As you can see - improvement is slow. Like recovering from break ups, it takes time.

Wald
08-05-2014 05:37 PM
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Post: #31
RE: Breakup therapy?
Bruised ego or bruised body part require the same treatment....time to heal.

"Some people don't think it be like it is but it do".
(This post was last modified: 08-05-2014 05:52 PM by Kingsley Davis.)
08-05-2014 05:52 PM
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PapayaTapper Away
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Post: #32
RE: Breakup therapy?
(08-04-2014 12:26 AM)OGNorCal707 Wrote:  So my ex broke up with me on Friday night and I went no contact and today she starts texting me and invited me out for a drink and said that she really needed to talk to me and called me a couple times, but I didn't answer. I basically told her that I wanted to be alone and have some personal time to reflect on things.

I get the sense that maybe she's thought shit over and is going to want to reconcile and try to get back together. What I didn't mention for those who read my previous write up, she basically tried to break up with me a month prior and spent the night on the couch, but then the next day she started crying and apologized and said she wanted to try to make things work, so I forgave her and we got back together.

I told myself that if she tried to break up with me a second time that would be the last straw and I wouldn't fall back into getting into a relationship with her. While I do still feel like I love her and have strong feelings I think I need to stick to my guns and not relapse into getting back with her.

Basically I can't deal with this shit, her wanting to break up and dumping me, only to reconsider and change her mind and want to get back together. I'm not a puppet on a string that she can string along, and jerk around, I don't want to be in a constant state of emotional turmoil where I don't know where my relationship with her stands.

It sucks and I really feel like it's her loss and she's making a big mistake, but I think I would be making a big mistake if I get back with her, after she broke up with me a second time. It just goes to show that she's unstable emotionally and doesn't know what she wants.

It seems like understanding someone else's "problem, issue, etc" is always easier than our own. That said it seems to me from your previous post that your girl is drama addicted. In other words her "breakups" with you aren't necessarily driven from a dissatisfaction with the relationship necessarily, but rather a complacency in it. Almost ALL women are guilty of this (drama addiction) on some level but some more than others. It's similar to being an adrenalin junkie. I know you probably already know this but I thought I'd mention it in case you hadn't considered it.

I know that that isn't the answer your looking for but just something to consider....especially since it sounds like she's going be trying to squeeze back in to your life.

_______________________________________
- Does She Have The "Happy Gene" ?
-Inversion Therapy
-Let's lead by example


"Leap, and the net will appear". John Burroughs

"The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure."
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08-05-2014 05:52 PM
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Vaun Offline
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Post: #33
RE: Breakup therapy?
Glad I found this thread, and all of the great advice. I have written a lot lately about a break up with a girl that started treating me poorly. Together for 8 months. I met her with day game. I thought I found the one, but I kept gaming and banging other girls, and she busted me a few months in, right after she said she loved me. Since then I spent the rest of the relationship trying to keep her. Trips, dinners, flowers, etc. All of my mack hand gone. I panicked, acted nutty and beta, and ultimately turned her off. Then she started treating me badly in front of friends and family, then I got mad about it, then she dumped me.

She broke up with me on a Saturday after we spent the whole day together walking and talking, then took it back and spent the rest of the weekend together(took her to an expensive dinner and drinks, and threw her a small birthday party with her friends the next day). I asked her if it was ok to post pics of us from our latest trip on FB, which was a big deal for me, as a public declaration. After I posted the pics, she dumped me for good on the following Wednesday. All of our friends and family liking the pics, me getting congrats about how great we looked together.

The last day she broke up with me, I did it again; I took her out on a boat, then went bowling, and had a fun time all night. Then she took me back to her place and broke up with me. Just like the Saturday, she let me spend all day with her, having fun, then at the end of it, I was dumped. She said she had no feelings left for me. As soon as she did it I cut ties completely on FB and social media, that night. I was pretty embarrassed, but its over and I don't really care anymore.

She blamed it all on me, that I "got angry" with her, when she was treating me badly, and it was all my fault. But she was done before that, and I realized that was a convenient excuse, because she showed a lot of red flags herself, that I ignored.

I called her the next day after the breakup to check in with her, and when I brought up how she treated me, she blew up and started name calling, basically calling me a pussy and 'too precious.' We hung up and thats the last time we talked, almost two weeks ago.

I know I screwed up, acted beta, and did everything wrong I never do with women. Ever. I might have acted this way once or twice as a kid, 20 years ago. We had a deep bond, for a long time. But I freaked out, and I dont know why. I can say I was emotionally manipulated, because a lot of my friends have said that.

Last night I couldn't sleep, and it was the worst night yet. I got close to calling her, but thankfully called a buddy instead. My friends have been awesome to talk to, to steer me in the right direction.

I went to see a rotation girl, that I usually do within minutes when I hit her place, and just talked about my breakup. I spent last weekend with a girl I've wanted to fuck for 10 years, and just hung out and did stuff. Have had no desire to do the girls in my life, and I am surrounded by them. My Tinder is blowing up and I have a phone full of new girls and I could care less. Its weird.

My Solution

Last weekend I went to a far away city, rented a room by myself, and wrote. I was there by myself, and just did a deep dive about my life.

I neglected a lot of areas in my life for this girl. I neglected my mission, work, my obligations and even my health.

I wrote out my mission and purpose, my goals and life plan. I reset myself on a new path. I rewrote the script of my life, and it was over 30 pages long. I lost myself with this girl, and to what I can only compare it to, was like a marriage. I have never gotten so deep with a girl like this and let myself go so far.

I know where I am, and where I am headed now. I think I know what I did wrong, but have a much better view of who she is. I am struggling with bringing her down off the pedestal.

I dont have a lot of desire to get in the gym right now, or even go out and hunt pussy being two weeks post break up, but I am sure I will do this. I know now that my health, my business and financial goals, travel, the people in my life, new younger pussy is what lights my fire.

I doubt I will avoid the LTR, but I will be more careful in the future. This was one of the most intense and significant Ive been in, having been in several. Being knocked off your ass at 41 with a break up, that feels like the ones in high school, is a hell of a drug.
(This post was last modified: 07-25-2016 06:39 PM by Vaun.)
07-25-2016 06:34 PM
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Balkan Offline
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Post: #34
RE: Breakup therapy?
(07-25-2016 06:34 PM)Vaun Wrote:  Last weekend I went to a far away city, rented a room by myself, and wrote. I was there by myself, and just did a deep dive about my life.

This is fascinating. I'm also intensely introspective but never on this level.

Just a reminder. You found this girl ~8 months ago from daygame. However irreplaceable she may feel now, I'm sure you can find another one rather quickly. You'll also be better at identifying specific red flags and have the knowledge of knowing if it's worthwhile to be banging on the side with a LTR candidate, as you've lived through the ramifications.
07-25-2016 07:35 PM
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Zep Offline
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Post: #35
RE: Breakup therapy?
Super helpful advice here:

https://youtu.be/uyT2nk8nF7Y
(This post was last modified: 07-25-2016 08:07 PM by Zep.)
07-25-2016 07:58 PM
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RoastBeefCurtains4Me Offline
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Post: #36
RE: Breakup therapy?
(08-02-2014 04:17 PM)Glaucon Wrote:  You just need time. The feelings you feel for her are only created by chemicals in your brain (mainly oxytocin and endorphin). You became "addicted" to her.

Your brain needs some time to flush out the hormones. Working out helps a lot.

This is very good advice. It's true that at some level, feelings are chemicals. They're still real, but in the case of a breakup, you can take the feelings with a grain of salt, and say, "this is just some chemicals ".

The important thing about recognizing that it's just chemicals is to purposely generate alternate chemicals. Working out and getting social with new people does this, and when the new chemicals kick in, you can feel it and recognIze it.

Normally I recommend immersing yourself in the real feelings, and don't want to dismiss them as mere chemicals. However, in the case of a breakup, this is just the time to do a little rationalization and consciously redirect your brain chemicals.

I'm the tower of power, too sweet to be sour. I'm funky like a monkey. Sky's the limit and space is the place!
-Randy Savage
(This post was last modified: 07-25-2016 08:07 PM by RoastBeefCurtains4Me.)
07-25-2016 08:02 PM
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Delta Offline
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Post: #37
RE: Breakup therapy?
I went through a very sudden and painful breakup fairly recently. My advice to anyone who finds himself in such a position:

First, know is that it's quite normal to feel excruciatingly depressed. Don't listen to the keyboard macho men who claim they'd never let their happiness be so dependent on another person. It's bullshit. She was an important part of you. I get it. You were addicted to the feeling of being with her. And when I say addicted, I mean that in the strictest sense possible. Go read some personal stories about people who went through the agony of drug withdrawal. You'll find them shockingly relatable to your current situation. The good news is, drug withdrawal is temporary and so is your condition.

Following my most recent breakup, for maybe 3-4 days I was totally incapacitated. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think, couldn't smile, was constantly shaking, and wished I was dead. On the 5th day, I mustered the wherewithal to contact some friends and go out that night. It felt amazing. For a few hours, I hardly even thought about the situation. That didn't mean I was over it, but it did mean I'd moved on to the next stage.

For the next couple of months, I was able to focus on tasks and function just fine, but in idle time I couldn't think about anything other than my ex and was still quite depressed. During that time, this song gelled oddly well with my emotions despite the fact that it's sung by a woman and I never touched drugs.

After ~2 months, I was no longer consumed by thoughts of my ex. However, I *was* consumed by thoughts of "how am I ever going to find another girl of such high quality?" The one thing that would always cause me to relapse into ex-missing mode was going on a date that turned out shitty. On that note, here is my first RVF post. I'd lurked for awhile prior, and decided to finally participate as a direct result of this breakup.

Unfortunately, this stage does not go away until you find either another high-quality girlfriend, or a stable collection of booty calls. At this time, I have found the former, and I can now honestly say I'm 100% over the breakup that caused me so much anguish ~6 months ago.

It's a long and difficult journey to recover from a mental injury like that, and I have two actionable recommendations to speed up the recovery process:

1. Find things to do. You now have more free time than you did before. Don't let yourself waste it moping around. Aim to have a busy schedule. Reconnect with friends you haven't seen much lately. Join a group. Take up a hobby that you enjoy. Work out more often. Start a project. Anything to get your mind off of your ex, and onto things that are either enjoyable or productive.

That one was obvious and you've probably heard a million times. This next one is more original:

2. Take extra precaution to avoid lackluster dates. Seriously. In your fragile state of mind, when you're desperately trying to convince yourself that there are plenty of fish out there as good as or better than your ex, nothing will drain your soul like a bad date. Just trust me on this; they will take your happiness down a few notches. Avoid them. Only go on dates with girls who excite you, and you excite them. This probably means you won't go on dates very often, which is perfectly fine, because see #1; you're already busy bettering yourself and doing things you enjoy. And given the hell you just went though, you deserve to be doing things you enjoy rather than falling all over yourself trying to impress ungrateful, mediocre women.

That's it. Best of luck.
(This post was last modified: 07-25-2016 10:36 PM by Delta.)
07-25-2016 10:31 PM
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Vaun Offline
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Post: #38
RE: Breakup therapy?
(07-25-2016 10:31 PM)Delta Wrote:  2. Take extra precaution to avoid lackluster dates. Seriously. In your fragile state of mind, when you're desperately trying to convince yourself that there are plenty of fish out there as good as or better than your ex, nothing will drain your soul like a bad date. Just trust me on this; they will take your happiness down a few notches. Avoid them. Only go on dates with girls who excite you, and you excite them. This probably means you won't go on dates very often, which is perfectly fine, because see #1; you're already busy bettering yourself and doing things you enjoy. And given the hell you just went though, you deserve to be doing things you enjoy rather than falling all over yourself trying to impress ungrateful, mediocre women.

Delta, thank you for sharing. I especially like this point here. And is almost unavoidable for anyone doing online dating. Bad dates are highly likely.

But I think there is another way to do this; daygame. Good old fashioned approaching. It will at least guarantee that the woman you are talking to, you are sexually interested in. Working up the nerve to do it is tough when you are in a foul mood, but once you do it, it makes a world of difference. I went outside to smoke a cig and just gamed a chick on my street. Nothing came of it, but she was social and chatty, and definitely lifted my mood.
(This post was last modified: 07-25-2016 11:34 PM by Vaun.)
07-25-2016 10:54 PM
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wi30 Offline
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Post: #39
RE: Breakup therapy?
I just went through a pretty major breakup. About a 2.5 year relationship with the majority of it living together.

It was the most mature and clean breakup I could have possibly experienced. We both realized we were no longer compatible and I cut the cord before it got dirty. It happened about 3 weeks ago but we still talk and are cool with each other.

I'm reminded of a quote I read from WIA a few years ago that stated something along the lines of every sweet girl turns into a bitch after enough time. My ex was marriage material from every objective viewpoint. She was awesome. But after a couple years of living together, her controlling bitchy side reared its head. The only red flag was that her mom was snarky and controlling. She passed every other test.

Was my game perfect? Hell no. Did I make mistakes? Of course.

But I had an epiphany after the sex slowed down. She went from dying to please me daily to neglectfully putting out once or twice a week. I realized I had a better chance of getting laid heading down to the local bar on a Wednesday night than my girlfriend giving me some lame and routine mediocre sex.

She went from a fun loving and passionate sidekick to a neurotic and controlling bitch.

She would nag because I didn't put the toilet seat down (I never did and still won't to this day), would drink beers with the guys instead of staying in with her, and other controlling tendencies.

My dad and brother told me she was controlling and would one-up their stories. I never noticed because I was too involved.

After breaking up, I realized her tendencies to control and change people. I have an extremely strong-headed and dominant personality; I hate being told what to do. Towards the end, we were constantly fighting and having a battle of wills. It's just not worth it. Life is too damn short to spend on a power struggle.

I told her this isn't working. She agreed. We still lived together through it and it was tough. We would bring up memories and nostalgia would draw tears on both sides.

I know I sound like a bitch but it was tough spending time with her after breaking up. We had so many inside jokes and code words that we would both tear up when referencing something.

I was ready to move on but I couldn't do so while living with her. I quit my job and started moving out. I brought my shit home but I'm not about to live with my parents.

I packed my bags and took a recon trip to Denver. I needed to get lost in the mountains for a few days to clear my head. I'm staying on my buddy's couch and applying for jobs like a madman.

My finances are taking a hit being unemployed, but sometimes you have to do what's best for you. For me, that's escaping to the mountains and starting the next chapter of my life. I flip flopped back and forth on whether or not I was making the right financial decision, but in the end, you have to go with your gut. Yeah, I'd save the most money moving home to Madison, but I'd pay for it with my sanity.

Some things can't be quantified. I'll end up spending a few grand in moving costs, but the views and hiking trails outweigh the costs. Shit, there's so many new hobbies I'm about to pick up. Hiking, mountain biking, and skiing to name a few.

You're either busy living, or busy dying. I was busy dying. I'm relatively young (25), but both of our families assumed we were going to get married. Looking back, I hated the stagnation in my life, I hated the jobless town I was living in, and I hated the lack of power I had in the relationship. I gave a shit about her, and it handicapped me. I was always worried about what she was doing instead of worrying about building my life and stacking cash.

I don't regret a thing, I loved my time with her. But I'm psyched to start the next chapter. I haven't cold approached a girl in almost three years. I have some catching up to do.
07-26-2016 12:36 AM
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Zep Offline
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Post: #40
RE: Breakup therapy?
I hope you guys checked this out, if I had a son I'd make him watch it. He addresses an 18 yr old contemplating suicide over a girl, but the wisdom he imparts along the way is applicable to men at any age. I almost lost my life to a chick I fell hard for when I was only twenty two. I know the pain, it's like you're walking around the world without any skin, everything little experience hits a nerve, the pain you feel makes you think that the girl must be important, it's obviously not true. I saw my girl twenty years later just to see what was going on, and she was just a plain, normal, woman. I had projected tons of my own stuff on her and she dumped me because she felt suffocated. Anyways, I recommend you all watch this if you haven't already.

https://youtu.be/uyT2nk8nF7Y
07-26-2016 12:42 PM
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Post: #41
RE: Breakup therapy?
Bang trip.

2 months in another country fucking as many girls as you possibly can.
07-28-2016 11:22 AM
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Vaun Offline
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Post: #42
RE: Breakup therapy?
I am going to follow up with this, because I am still going through this process. Mornings like today I wake up depressed and need to write. Now after I write this I feel 100% better. In a few days will be two months since "the fight", which basically ended us.

Since then I tried to go back. We actually got together, then I went full on trying to win her back, with a few letters, flowers and a long emotional text message. She decided to move on for good last week. In a big way, I am very relieved. Acting like a foolish beta maniac to win her back did us in finally for good.

Looking back, I wrote a lot about how she treated me poorly. Long story short, I kept dating other girls once we went "exclusive", and she told me she loved me. She found out, then I spent the rest of the relationship trying to keep her by exhibiting the most atrocious beta needy behavior I ever have toward one women, since my early 20's. It totally drove her away. She treated me like crap while I acted beta, for many months. Her friends even got in on it. The universe has a way of punishing bad beta behavior, its like a center of gravity that everyone and everything wants to kick in the face.

Bigger questions I continually ask myself are; am I defective and can not have a relationship? I have one divorce under my belt already. This is the second LTR since my divorce. I ask myself what my personality defect is, that cause me to act this way. Even though my last LTR is still calling me asking if I think about her, a month out from her wedding. My last LTR I broke up with and handled quite well, and didnt want that girl in particular. With this new one, I would have likely married her, but went totally beta.

During the relationship a lot of things happened in my life; my parents got sick for the first time and are now in a nursing home indefinitely, my company hit the skids, the relationship with my ex wife went into the shitter, and I had to travel every week for work all over the place. Its been on of the most tumultuous times in my entire life. I was depressed, and manic all at the same time. I was angry and short fused. My life was drama, and I think I brought it too.

Since the first break up in July, I have spent more time with my closest friends than I have in years, spent more quality time with my family than I have in years, traveled to cities to be alone and have written and refocused my life, started meditating, and have every day for the last two weeks now. I have been exercising and being active. Went on an awesome vacation. Sorted out my work situation. Pulled a chick 20 years my junior, this was enough for me at this point to make my ego skyrocket. Had several dates and a bang, but they are largely throwaway pointless online dates.

I looked at the possibility of going back to pressing for numbers, or holding out for the highest quality girls now. At this point, I am only dating the highest quality girls. Girls that I am sure are hot and there is no doubt I want to bang. It will free up a lot of time for me, maybe 1 date a week, 2 at best. Only picking the hottest girls from online, and the hottest girls from approach.

Lesson's learned, I am not bulletproof;

-My emotional control can fluctuate, Meditation and therapy is my fix.
-I can be beta with one girl, and non-simp with another in an LTR. Is it the girl, or how I react to her? Can/should I treat every girl the same?
-Pick up is not the same as LTR, the two are different. All pick up tendencies/skills have to leave immediately once an LTR begins. This is a bigger shift then I realized. I brought the manic energy of constant dates & texting and put it all on one girl. Then it blew up.
-I know now that I dont believe in having one on the side, or to keep other girls when I am pledging exclusivity to one.
-I know now more than ever that the success of the LTR is mostly due to the man's leadership.
-I will never put my life aside for a girl; work, friends/family, finances, health. Mostly this just means spending less time together.
-Game is more important the older you get. Dating 10+ years younger requires steel nerves, and unforgiving brutal game. Harder than you ever have younger.
-Marriage is possible for me again. But I have to prepare myself, and be in the most solid place personally. Through the skills I learned in approach, the leadership skills and maintenance through game, I think I can find a good wife.
- I am sick of talking about women. I am sick of reading/thinking/strategizing about women. To my friends, other men, etc. I want to go through life and not talk about women anymore. I want to learn more about finance, economics, music, language, dance, travel, friendships, etc. I am putting a moratorium on bitches.
- I want to keep dating women 10-20 years younger, but become really good at it.

Overall, now everything in my life has settled down, things are calm, I am happy, I have closer relationships with my friends and family, I am calm from meditation, work is taking off, and I am really taking care of myself. Time to chill for a while, focus on myself, and hit some big goals. Women will be fewer, but the highest quality. I am clearer now on who I am and what I want.
(This post was last modified: 08-27-2016 10:15 AM by Vaun.)
08-27-2016 09:45 AM
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churros Offline
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Post: #43
RE: Breakup therapy?
Nice post. Threads like this are good. There is a tendency for guys to act like emotions are not part of sex. The truth is that when you give a shit, the sex is better. Not just the physical act – but the high the next day. That is what's missing when you bang sluts. And it's depressing.

Having emotions is not always beta. They just need calibration. The beta will fall in love with the first girl he bangs, but the player will keep himself in check.
08-27-2016 10:28 AM
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Grenblin Offline
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Post: #44
RE: Breakup therapy?
Please pardon the long post. As I mentioned in my introduction thread, I am an admin on a Russian forum which exists to help men who were dumped/cheated on.
We assist them to cope with the issue as well as to find themselves and become independent (as well as introduce them to the Red Pill), what we refer to as "Autonomous battle unit".
As someone who had gone through a tough breakup 4 years ago and battled the depression which followed I can personally attest that these "rules" do work and make people better if adhered to. Heck, I myself am on SanChas now after a breakup of a 3 month old "relationship" I was stupid enough to dive to deep into.

Below is a rough translation of Rules of Sanitary Hour (SanChas) which every newcomer must promise to adhere to in order to get better and heal.
I apologize for the poor translation, I hope it's clear enough to convey the message.

If someone finds this useful enough to assist me with properly translating it to English, I will be glad to assist as much as I can.

SanChas
Sanitary Hour or Sanchas certainly is not our idea, many of his are intuitive, but it is coined by psychologists.
Here we will show how we see it.

Q: Why do we need SanChas?
A: To get rid of psychological dependency.

It is important to understand that the Sanitary hour - it is not just ignoring the former partner and their "information field"! This is a set of measures and should be performed in parallel.

Sanitary Hour in our opinion can be divided into two groups of methods: major and minor. Better use of the two groups.

1. Major. It is important to follow these to the tee! There can be no exceptions for yourself and your sense of being lost.
1. It is necessary to exclude any possibility of information exchange with the object of affection. The moratorium on the issuance and receipt of information.
1.1 Since in today's world social network technologies play a major role in communication between people, it is strongly recommended to avoid visiting Facebook / other social networks in the first month or two of Sanitary Hour to avoid breakdowns! If you don't have enough power of will, change your password to a random combination of letters and numbers, write them down on a piece of paper and let your friend keep it until further notice.
2. It is necessary to get rid of things that remind us of the cause of the emotional dependency. Get rid of photos, presents, pleasant things, postcards, etc. (Say goodbye to the "anchors")
3. For the duration of SanChas it is necessary to cease communication with mutual friends or friends of the former partner. Common friends tend to have the point of view that will be "suggested" by the former partner.
3.1 In public, you must radiate self-confidence and happiness. If you feel a need to complain or convey how shitty you're feeling, only do that with a close friend. To everyone else, everything is fine, the world is full of bright colors.
4. Phone calls and pings from the former partner: Answering to SMS, phone calls, letters, telegrams, postcards, etc. is not recommended (the ban on the n.1 exchange of information)). If the former partner finds a way to contact you, keep the conversation as short as possible without giving away too much detail about your current condition. Women tend to enjoy seeing their former partner suffering because it raises their sense of self-worth.
5. It is highly desirable and recommended to include physical activities and sports.
6. It is necessary to think and change your image, you need to be different (swap the suit for a more sporty look, or vice versa, change the habits of how you dress)
7. It is also necessary to change habits and modify the environment around you, this is especially important if you and the former partner lived together. You can rearrange the furniture in the apartment, change the wallpaper, repaint the walls, or start sleeping on another side of the bed. Change is always for the better, it is necessary to understand.


2. Optional.
1. Find a hobby for yourself. Find what you like, what you liked as a child \ youth. It can be anything!
2. Read a book, listen to music, watch movies. All works of art must be positively oriented. If you feel bad or sad- stop watching, listening or reading it.
3. Communicate with your friends and loved ones.
4. Travel! Visit another city, state, country. This is recommended if you are stable enough (e.g. not severely depressed etc.)
5. Tackle the work \ study. At this time, you can very well strengthen the potential of the mind, diligence, concentration. It is necessary to arrange the right priorities, you must understand that eventually everyone gets out of this situation, but of losing their jobs or getting kicked out of the university is "not an option".
6. Stay fit! What will it be - you decide. Swimming pool, fitness club, martial arts - at the initial stage, does not matter what it is.
What is it for?
This step is called "adrenaline burning" (production of "Anti adrenaline"). The body of living beings is arranged in such a way that for any stress (you're running from a wild animal, worried before an important interview / answer on the exam, or grieve for the breakup with a girl) the body produces a hormone - adrenaline. This hormone helps you to wake up at 5 o'clock in the morning and pour bitter tears for a lost love. Adrenaline is a kind of high-octane gasoline, anabolic. It's needed to quickly run away from wild animals, stronger punches in a drunken brawl. The only way to lose adrenaline - exercise. There is no mechanism allowing to burn adrenaline while lying on the couch, or spilling tears on the social networks. Therefore, run, go to the gym, in the pool or arrange to work on the construction site. Running should be just enough until you feel that the only thing you want is to stop. Ideally - combine jogging and swimming pool. If this is not possible - perform any physical exercise, such as push-ups, until you completely exhaust yourself.
7. Time and what to do with it? If you do not know what you will be engaged in during the time of SanChas, but just wait it out - the healing process will be delayed. To help yourself to go through this period with dignity and as quickly as possible, create a rough plan of those things that you deem necessary to take place in approximately next 40 days. You take a piece of paper, and write down the plan, stick it on the fridge and begin implementing it. Planned events should correspond to your actual situation and capabilities. Obviously, planned events should not interfere with each other.
8. Try to do things opposite to what you're used to. Before the breakup you were a metalhead and went to drink beer at a concert? Well, my friend, it means that the metal concert during SanChas with beer drinking will not do; go to the symphony orchestra concert instead! You used to roller skate or ride a bike with a girl? Now go to yoga.You liked to drink beer while lying on the couch, you are now going to go to cooking classes or master sushi. Gamed on a computer on the weekends? Now take up hand to hand combat and attend the training! Etc.
All this is necessary to lay the foundation of your "new life". Do not be afraid of change, do not be afraid to try new things. Look for yourself in the unusual and new! You're not a woman to be waiting when everything will fix itself, help yourself to get out!
9. After a while, the brain will begin calming down. At this stage you will have to pass a serious test: properties of the brain are such that consciousness protects the integrity of the nervous system, so you will begin to remember only the good parts of the past relationship, negatives will gradually be "moved to the back burner," or even forgotten. Then you will say to yourself, "Well, it was not that bad, maybe I should to call or text her? How is she? .. What if ...". Do not argue and do not lie to yourself - Everyone had that thought and so will you! Prepare in advance, today is even better while your memory is fresh. Take a piece of paper on which you will write down all the negative traits of your ex and the past relationship. You can add items later but you cannot remove anything.
10. Constantly remind yourself what goal you currently have set for yourself! If someone is hopelessly suffering from love addiction for YEARS - it is their choice! Your goal - is to get rid of love and emotional dependency, aka. "The beginning of a new life." Remind yourself that everything that you are doing at the moment, you are doing for your own "tomorrow". To re-start enjoying life and to experience love, you have to sacrifice "today." And this applies to everything you need, not as a loss, but as a chance. That chance. Only during such events a MAN has a chance to understand what he is and what he will become.


3. Prohibitions.

3.1. Of course, you can not drink or use drugs. Getting drunk or altering consciousness during SanChas is prohibited. Not only because it will not bring the desired result: the hangover will only get worse, you are likely to make a stupid mistake and give up/in.
3.2. It is not recommended, or better yet, it is prohibited to try and start a new relationship while on SanChas. What you will end up doing is projecting your failed relationship onto the new one and will only suffer more. You can hook up with women, however, there should be no emotional attachment of any kind.
3.3 When masturbating or having sex you should not think of your ex-partner. If you are unable to do so it is recommended to stay clear of sexual encounters until you are healed.

On average it takes about 1-2 months to get rid of the emotional dependency, however, we're all different and you should not force your recovery into this timeframe. Your goal is to not only get rid of the emotional dependency but also to avoid new complexes.

For the successful passage of the Sanitary Hours you need to understand a few things:
1) The relationship has ended, there is no need to revive it since all is said and all is done. There is no one and nothing to bring back.
2) Understand that before you went down this path, millions of people already did, someone is doing it right now at the same time as you, someone, unfortunately, will need to do this later. Enough people have successfully completed this course of action and look back bewilderment and \ or gratitude.
3) Believe and know that everything will be okay, that everything passes and your current state is no exception.
4) Do not wish harm and do not retaliate. The revenge isn't good or useful. And yet, if you can't cope with the urge, remember, that revenge is a dish best served cold. Pass the SanChas and think with a cool head, whether you want to still take revenge.
5) Understand that anger is quite normal, the opposite of apathy, dejection, and melancholy.


Now you are familiar with the rules and principles of SanChas. Decide whether you are willing to follow this path - and remember - you can fool everyone, but not yourself!

In today's world "I think therefore I am" has been replaced with "I'm offended therefore shut up."
(This post was last modified: 08-27-2016 09:26 PM by Grenblin.)
08-27-2016 08:26 PM
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MKDAWUSS Offline
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Post: #45
RE: Breakup therapy?
(08-04-2014 12:29 AM)Glaucon Wrote:  
(08-04-2014 12:26 AM)OGNorCal707 Wrote:  So my ex broke up with me on Friday night and I went no contact and today she starts texting me and invited me out for a drink and said that she really needed to talk to me and called me a couple times, but I didn't answer. I basically told her that I wanted to be alone and have some personal time to reflect on things.

I get the sense that maybe she's thought shit over and is going to want to reconcile and try to get back together. What I didn't mention for those who read my previous write up, she basically tried to break up with me a month prior and spent the night on the couch, but then the next day she started crying and apologized and said she wanted to try to make things work, so I forgave her and we got back together.

I told myself that if she tried to break up with me a second time that would be the last straw and I wouldn't fall back into getting into a relationship with her. While I do still feel like I love her and have strong feelings I think I need to stick to my guns and not relapse into getting back with her.

Basically I can't deal with this shit, her wanting to break up and dumping me, only to reconsider and change her mind and want to get back together. I'm not a puppet on a string that she can string along, and jerk around, I don't want to be in a constant state of emotional turmoil where I don't know where my relationship with her stands.

It sucks and I really feel like it's her loss and she's making a big mistake, but I think I would be making a big mistake if I get back with her, after she broke up with me a second time. It just goes to show that she's unstable emotionally and doesn't know what she wants.

The only thing that helped me in this kind of situation is total radio silence. Deleter her number, unfriend on facebook, delete email everything. The smallest thing that can remind you of her can undermine your recovery.

And if you can't bring yourself to do that, force her into the friend zone.
08-27-2016 08:29 PM
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Grenblin Offline
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Post: #46
RE: Breakup therapy?
(07-25-2016 10:31 PM)Delta Wrote:  Unfortunately, this stage does not go away until you find either another high-quality girlfriend, or a stable collection of booty calls.

The only problem I see in this is that your mindset becomes vaginacentric. E.g. "I can't be happy without a woman in my life."

A woman should not be even in your top ten life priorities. Yes, it's nice to have someone to cuddle with, bang etc. However, one should be completely autonomous, content with himself before he decides to invest his most valuable resources, time and money, into a woman. Because guess what, if tomorrow that woman disappears, you will be left empty and lost once again because you placed your happiness in the hands of someone else.

Remember what Einstein said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results."

In today's world "I think therefore I am" has been replaced with "I'm offended therefore shut up."
(This post was last modified: 08-28-2016 09:06 AM by Grenblin.)
08-28-2016 09:05 AM
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OneEyedMonk Offline
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Post: #47
RE: Breakup therapy?
Here is all you need to know:

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2010/09/...g-oneitis/

It will surprise nobody here that the key is to get access to a new girl who is hotter than the oneitis, and to invest in her, to essentially fool yourself into the perception of some amazing value. It will cure your heart by replacing the old illusion with a new illusion. Hey, whatever works, no?

It is so very right that banging an inordinate number of sluts will do nothing for you for healing. If anything, it will just make it worse by reminding you of the perceived amazing pussy you had.

Brokenheartedness in my opinion is a condition of bigger shame here than homosexuality, so read away and get your condition sorted Sick
08-28-2016 08:50 PM
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Mercia Offline
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Post: #48
RE: Breakup therapy?
(08-28-2016 08:50 PM)OneEyedMonk Wrote:  Here is all you need to know:

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2010/09/...g-oneitis/

Excellent link. Anyone who's come out of a relatively long relationship (more than a year) should check it out.

The article is new to me, but thanks to advice from friends I've been doing some of the stuff proscribed. Some points from that blog post that others might find of value.

Heartiste Wrote:– Don’t burn your ex’s photos, but do store them in a lockbox in the attic where it would be a pain for you to conveniently access. Burning photos and other memorabilia is a powerfully symbolic act that ironically reinforces her importance in your life.

I returned pictures, memorabilia and shit to the ex. Being a cheap ass I kept the nice shit she bought me (clothes, shoes, watches, etc.). The flip side is women who keep this shit post-relationship will remind themselves of the good times she spent with you - this does nothing for you, but if she ever calls or messages it can stoke your ego.

Heartiste Wrote:– When you return to the field, focus on gaming girls hotter than what you are used to. This is like weightlifting: you need to incrementally go up in difficulty to see any progress.

This is absolutely true. Even if you have a 100% failure, you're not getting rejected by women of lower value than your ex.

Heartiste Wrote:– When you meet a girl you really like, invest in her. Don’t go for the bang right away. You want to increase her value in your mind, and the way to do that is, one, to make sure she’s hot, and two, to take your time winning her over. Sluts are not gonna cure your oneitis, but hard-to-get girls will.

I'm on the fence for this, but there's a lot to be said about a relationship that you invested time/effort/resources/emotions. I gravitate more towards a balance of physical release (fucking women who aren't sluts but might not require too much investment) and what Roissy advises.
08-29-2016 01:55 AM
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RatInTheWoods Offline
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Post: #49
RE: Breakup therapy?
2 Week holiday in Thailand.

I challenge any man to remain butthurt for more than 24 hours in Thailand.
08-29-2016 04:04 AM
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Off The Reservation Away
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Post: #50
RE: Breakup therapy?


08-29-2016 09:29 AM
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