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the five love languages
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Hades Offline
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Post: #1
the five love languages
I heard about this book on the D&P podcast and to be square, it's a pretty awesome text. A lot of stuff has made sense that puzzled me over the years.

Have any of you guys gotten around to reading it? Apparently the author has different versions for single dudes and married dudes.

Great book though. I might put together a review.
11-24-2014 07:48 PM
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Mage Offline
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Post: #2
RE: the five love languages
I read this book as part of my former christian heritage. A few years ago this book was a craze among Christians - at least Catholics - worldwide and they put more faith in it then in Bible when it came to relationships. Which should be your first red flag.

This book is right on some things and very blue pill and deceptive on others.

The right things - the books main premise is that different people expect different things from their partner in relationship. People also project their own desires on their partner and think that partners want the same things as themselves. The book distinguishes peoples wants into 5 categories called love languages: 1)Praise (affirmative) words 2)Quality time spent together 3)Actions of love 4)Gifts and 5)Physical touch (note that sex is not mentioned - physical touch only - another huuge red flag!!!) The book then says that some people want some of these things more than others and project their desires on their partner which causes misunderstandings.

For example - if your primary love language is gifts then you expect gifts from your partner and also give gifts to your partner to make him happy and get him to love you. This is good if your partners love language is gifts also because you mutually understand each other. But if your partners love language is quality time then the partner doesn't value the gifts you give and he just wants to spend engaging time together, he also doesn't gives you much gifts because he doesn't sees how gifts could make much difference. Other people may not want gifts or much time spent together, but they would like you to do the dishes - then their love language is "Actions of love" These people might do a lot of homework but feel frustrated that their partner doesn't love them much for this, if that partner has another primary love language.

So the books solution is for everyone to complete a quiz to determine his primary and secondary love languages and make them known to their partner, so everyone knows that things that make themselves happy might not work on their partner. Each should love his partner by giving love in partners primary love languages and all problems in love life would be solved according to this book.

This idea is not bad and has some merit, but has little application in real life. There are more important things that this book is silent about (and is therefore blue pill). These would be my main criticisms about this book:

1)All this works only if both partners are dedicated to love each other in the first place. This suits christian phantasy that everyone values sanctity of marriage above everything else and both parties in a relationship are willing to work tirelessly to make relationship to work. In real life this is not so. We know that for people to be willing to work on relationship people need to recognize a high SMV in their partner. The book is completely silent on this. It won't tell that men should work to raise their SMV and become more charsimatic. It' wont tell that women should work to hold on to their innate SMV and work to prevent their looks from fading for as long as possible.


2)Book will not tell men that if they give love in any love language, but do this from a position of a lower SMV then it will backfire! The book will not tell men that by fulfilling the wishes of their woman form a position of a lower SMV they will just appear to be needy vomit inducing beta providers who are begging to be used and manipulated!

3)The book will also not tell that women's love language actually is a changing thing and depends from a mans SMV. If a woman expects gifts form her man more than anything else then she is a gold digger who views the man as a provider chump. If her love languages for this particular man are quality time and especially "physical contact" (read sex) then her man is an alpha male in her eyes.

4)The book will also not recognize that some love languages are more screwed towards one sex then other. The book will not tell that most men by far want a woman who wants "physical touch" from them, not a woman who wants expensive gifts. Yet the book will not tell that love languages are malleable. If your woman wants gifts then that's it - you should bring them to her like a good puppy dog and hope she gives you some physical touch without enthusiasm merely as a duty because it is your love language and she has to do it.

5)The book doesn't mention that all men have a sixth love language they want their woman to speak. This love language is called - "look pretty for me and don't become fat, tattooed, short haired or prematurely aged!" Similarly it wont tell that all woman have a love language - "don't become a beta on me!"

Overall this book is totally blue pill and while having some interesting concepts it is a poison for any man who hasn't seen the crimson light of Red pill Game and doesn't know how to separate the chaff from the wheat.
(This post was last modified: 11-25-2014 03:40 AM by Mage.)
11-25-2014 03:26 AM
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Post: #3
RE: the five love languages
That book is pure [Image: 1260337-hamster_460_1014550c.jpg]

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11-25-2014 05:58 AM
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michelin Offline
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Post: #4
RE: the five love languages
Link

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11-25-2014 08:47 AM
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Dr. Howard Away
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Post: #5
RE: the five love languages
I've seen the quiz, never read the book but have heard enough about it via church circles as mage has mentioned.

I think its a valuable tool, but it does not teach 'game' in itself or offer a red or blue pill conversion. A blue pill guy would read that his wife likes gifts and then proceed to buy her flowers every day for the next 4 months...destroying himself. A red pill guy would understand that as buy your woman lingerie before you try to bang her in the ass or get a 3 way.

For me, having this knowledge of my girl is just as valuable as researching her astrological sign, home state etc. It lets you be efficient in effort and instill that "you know me so well" attachment and trust vibe by just knowing which stereotype she fits into and playing that up.

Why do the heathen rage and the people imagine a vain thing? Psalm 2:1 KJV
11-25-2014 02:06 PM
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Veloce Offline
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Post: #6
RE: the five love languages
Haha I never thought I'd see the day when this book was discussed on RVF.

It's a classic couples' therapy book, and one that I read with my ex fiancee. Mage is pretty spot on in his breakdown.

Basically, the book assumes that Western women are functional, healthy, and complete beings that respond well to thoughtful gestures. This book would have been relevant in 1995 when it was published, and there wasn't this barrage of smartphones and social media that has made women completely dysfunctional, but it has zero merit today unless you find some broad that's been living in a cave.

"...so I gave her an STD, and she STILL wanted to bang me."

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11-25-2014 04:22 PM
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Hades Offline
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Post: #7
RE: the five love languages
Yeah the book is blue pill to the core and a lot of the couples therapy section sounds like a good way to make your ladyfriend seek out some crackheads to sport fuck but I can accept the premise that people have different ways to speak or understand the pompatus of love.

For instance I don't much care for gifts and always thought that people who like gifts too much are just selfish and shitty but if some people out there actually get a sort of love rush from getting gifts then that's something I can understand at least.

The other good insight in the book is that if somebody tends to display affection one way (like being really flowery with their words or insisting on doing your laundry) then they're probably projecting what they'd want to have (I think it was words of affirmation and acts of service respectively).

That makes a lot of sense, too. If the only time you ever got a head rush was if you got a compliment, you'd probably be more complimentary of people - supposing you're good natured anyway.
(This post was last modified: 11-25-2014 06:29 PM by Hades.)
11-25-2014 05:57 PM
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Hades Offline
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Post: #8
RE: the five love languages
If a moderator would be kind enough to put the title in caps (as I forgot to do earlier) without giving me warn, that would be fantastic. I do not want to be banned from this forum. I have been warned in the past for writing titles in all lowercase.

Many on the forum here (shoutout to 2wycked) have brooded on the concept of narcissism. I have too. Narcissists feel a deep void in the soul. They must constantly seek supply. Attention. Like vampires, they move from source to source, draining those of their essence to treat a wound that can not easily be healed.

There is a cure for narcissism. It is love. Whether it is God's love, or love of the self from within, or correctly and courageously applying Gorilla Mindset (action!), love can cure narcissism.

A man's relationship with his father is like his relationship with God. Often stormy, sometimes warm, sometimes neglectful and distant, this impression as a child shapes a man through his entire life.

I do not judge. I never did.

A friend of mine constantly jokes, forcing laughter, as his is narcissistic wont. I accept him as he is, and told him as such in a loving and private manner (nohomo), and the shield broke. I explained that I greatly appreciated all the work-related skills he taught me, as he is very clever and observant (most narcissists are), gave much thanks, a few mementos, and a hug. When at work, I made certain to be his absolute best underling, learning the machinery to the point that we did not even need to speak to work at a feverish pace. We enjoyed many a friendly cigarette break talking about cars. Kind words, gifts, acts of service, touch, quality time. Learn the love languages.

While he still courts attention on a frequent basis, as is his character, it is not with the fear and desperation I saw in him in years past. Everyone is a little different.

Learn to speak and understand all the love languages, and do it without fear, hesitation, shame, doubt, or feelings of worthlessness, and you too will leave your eternal mark upon the world. You too can become a footsoldier of Christ as I strive to be on a daily basis in my own bold, public, and sometimes frankly terrible manner. I am utterly ruthless to the core when dealing with bastards. Sometimes I kill them with kindness, which terrifies them even more.

Edit: So you don't want to read the book. Not a huge deal. I recommend it, since the biggest rule in the book is persistence. A change in behavior once or twice will be seen as manipulation. A consistent and powerful change will be seen as unconditional love of a powerful degree.

[Image: mbreyp.jpg]

Edit: Veloce - granted there is a lot of Western style programming that is difficult and frankly shitty to undo, but my frame is strong enough to make the cuntiest 10 swoon if I return fire with fire. This is often why I roll with a hot babe who likes girls. I treat other hot chicks like shit and they start qualifying about how they like to cook and clean, as I state my Old Testament patriarchal opinions frankly and without fear to everybody, especially women.
(This post was last modified: 07-27-2016 03:07 AM by Hades.)
07-27-2016 02:54 AM
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The Beast1 Offline
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Post: #9
RE: the five love languages
It's useful as part of a larger toolkit for relationship advice.

Honestly, you could use the Myers Briggs test in conjunction with this as a means to identify compatability and success in LTRs and marriages very easily.

For what it's worth, all of my best relationships have been with INTJs and INFJs and with women who enjoyed touch and quality time as activities. I'm an ENFP.
07-28-2016 10:02 AM
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Hades
TheThinker Offline
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Post: #10
RE: the five love languages
I took this test before with a LTR. It showed what I expected, that like most men I value DEEDS over WORDS. First on my list was Acts of Service and first on hers was Words of Affirmation.

It can reveal some of the reasons behind why relationships between people with different wants/needs tend to be frustrating. Usually people want to receive "love" the way they give it. So for example, my girlfriend is always complimenting me and of course her biggest gripe with me is that I don't tell her how special she is often enough. I was raised that you keep your cards close to your vest, so to speak, and less is more when it comes to compliments, which I usually perceive as flattery. Too many compliments make my skin crawl and set off alarms. Many women on the other hand can never get enough compliments, but I'm not the guy that's gonna feed that monster.

On the opposite side, I'll go all out and do anything for someone in need (actions), and I get heated up when a LTR doesn't make the extra effort. It can be as simple as putting some beer mugs in the freezer, washing some laundry for me, or doing anything that takes effort and isn't directly for her benefit. Granted I'm talking about a LTR. There are a lot tougher examples but basically I want to see how much she is willing to take for me. She just wants to know how much I care.

Agreed that you need to match up in terms of touch and quality time or someone's going to be unhappy.

I'd say MBTI can get you to the same place as well, and there are tools that go even further. I can tell you as a INTP, you're gonna learn some major patience or it'll be a short relationship with say a ESFP. Dominant feelers with little intuition and low ability to make their own decisions/thinking can be extremely wearing over time when you're thinking all day for work and want something as simple as a meal prepared that doesn't take your planning. It can take some major training to get her making decisions and knowing when to think/anticipate. On the plus side, you'll learn real fast what you want in a LTR. I'll also add that while I have a thing for sexy, introverted types, I got past a lot of social anxiety after being with a very attractive, extroverted girl for a number of years.
(This post was last modified: 07-28-2016 12:12 PM by TheThinker.)
07-28-2016 11:50 AM
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Kid Twist Offline
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Post: #11
RE: the five love languages
Good posts above, well done.
07-28-2016 01:24 PM
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