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Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
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Post: #201
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
What did the black man get on his SAT?

Barbeque Sauce.

"Once you've gotten the lay you have won."- Mufasa

"You Miss 100% of the shots you don't take"- Wayne Gretzky
11-03-2017 11:22 AM
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Post: #202
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
(10-21-2017 11:25 PM)Paracelsus Wrote:  The little Indian boy goes up to his father, the Indian chief, and asks, "Father, how did my brother Thunderstrike get his name?"
"Well, my son," says the chief, "when your brother was born, I looked outside the tent and there was a roll of thunder, so I named him Thunderstrike."
"And what about my sister, Red Sun Rises?"
"Well, when your sister was born, I looked outside the tent and it was dawn with the sun in the east, and all around was red, so I named her Red Sun Rises." The indian chief frowns. "Why so many questions, Two Dogs Fucking?"

This one made me laugh more than it should have hahaha
11-03-2017 12:01 PM
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Geomann180 Offline
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Post: #203
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
Some military jokes for y'all:

Q: What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 60?
A: A platoon

Q: What does MARINES stand for?
A: My Ass Rides In Naval Equipment Safely

Q: How do they separate the men from the boys in the Navy?
A: With a crowbar!

Q: How do they separate the men from the boys in the Navy?
A: That's not funny, Mr. Spacey.

Q:How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?
A:Two - one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.

~

An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post.
During inspection, he notices a camel tied up outside the barracks.

He asks the soldier showing him around, "why is that camel there?"

The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get frustrated if you know what I mean. When they do, they use the camel."

A month later the Captain is himself sexually frustrated. Finally, after months of wrangling with his libido, he relents in desperation.

He puts a ladder behind the camel, climbs up, drops his trousers and starts having sex with the camel, with gusto.

The same soldier who had shown him around earlier appears, so the Captain asks him, "Is that how the men do it?"

The soldier replies, "No sir, they usually ride it to the next village where the women are."

~

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, Sir!


~

A piece of experience from my own life. During 'hell week' at my military college, all of the rats were released to their respective ROTC branches, Army, Marines/Navy/ and Airforce. After the day was done, the rats compared their experiences amongst one another. The army, my ROTC, issued the rats all of their equipement that they'd be responsible for, for the next four years. The Marines/Navy got taken to a recital hall and got yelled at and shown powerpoint about how "Dont' Ask, Don't Tell" was repealed and how they shouldn't be homophobes or bigots. The airforce had a quick powerpoint presentation and served brownies and cupcakes.

~

How to Tell the Difference Between the Branches of the US Armed Forces!

If you give the command SECURE THE BUILDING, here is what the different services would do:

The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.

The MARINE CORPS would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.

The [CH]AIR FORCE would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.

G
(This post was last modified: 11-03-2017 01:29 PM by Geomann180.)
11-03-2017 01:29 PM
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ed pluribus unum Offline
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Post: #204
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
Did you hear about the chick who went on a fishing trip with 6 guys?

She came back with a red snapper.
11-04-2017 01:49 PM
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Post: #205
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
Women are in a line to buy cucumbers. Each comes to the seller and asks:
--I would like one that is long and thin.
--I would like one that is short an fat.
--And I would like one for the salad.

I am afraid that women appreciate cruelty, downright cruelty, more than anything else. They have wonderfully primitive instincts. We have emancipated them, but they remain slaves looking for their masters all the same. They love being dominated.
--Oscar Wilde
11-04-2017 11:32 PM
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ed pluribus unum Offline
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Post: #206
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
Here's an old one, feel free to update with characters who were still alive this century:

Diana Ross heard that George Burns, even at his advanced age, was great in the sack, so she arranged a tryst to see if it was true. They started undressing and George said, "before we go any further, I need you to put your left hand on top of your head and your right hand on your hip, and keep them there the whole time; don't move them." Puzzled, she agreed. Old George got busy and to Diana's surprise, he was amazing. "Wow", she gasped, "I can't believe it! Are you up for a second round?" "Sure" said George, "but this time I want you to put your right hand on your head and your left hand at the small of your back, and keep them there; don't move them." This time she was more than willing to comply; George got down to business and performed as well as, if not better than, the first time.

Afterwards Diana lay breathless and managed to stammer out, "I have to ask, why did you have me keep my hands where they were?" George replied, "Because the last time I slept with a black chick, she stole my wallet."
11-07-2017 07:21 AM
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Paracelsus Offline
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Post: #207
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
































































Only a fraction of people will find that joke funny.

Remissas, discite, vivet.
God save us from people who mean well. -storm
11-10-2017 12:31 AM
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Post: #208
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
What's the difference between jam and jelly?

I can't jelly my dick in your ass.

Reporter: What keeps you awake at night?
General James "Mad Dog" Mattis: Nothing, I keep other people awake at night.

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11-10-2017 12:58 PM
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Post: #209
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
Poll:

If you went camping and woke up in the morning with your ass all red and sore but had no idea what or how it happened ...would you tell anyone?

_______________________________________
- Does She Have The "Happy Gene" ?
-Inversion Therapy
-Let's lead by example


"Leap, and the net will appear". John Burroughs

"The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure."
Joseph Campbell
(This post was last modified: 11-10-2017 01:14 PM by PapayaTapper.)
11-10-2017 01:13 PM
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Kona Online
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Post: #210
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
(11-10-2017 01:13 PM)PapayaTapper Wrote:  Poll:

If you went camping and woke up in the morning with your ass all red and sore but had no idea what or how it happened ...would you tell anyone?

Yes.

Aloha!
11-10-2017 03:08 PM
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PapayaTapper Away
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Post: #211
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
(11-10-2017 03:08 PM)Kona Wrote:  
(11-10-2017 01:13 PM)PapayaTapper Wrote:  Poll:

If you went camping and woke up in the morning with your ass all red and sore but had no idea what or how it happened ...would you tell anyone?

No*.

Aloha!

Wanna go camping?


*(Fixed it for sake of thread)

_______________________________________
- Does She Have The "Happy Gene" ?
-Inversion Therapy
-Let's lead by example


"Leap, and the net will appear". John Burroughs

"The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure."
Joseph Campbell
11-10-2017 10:55 PM
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Post: #212
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
That's humor....

Now how do spell the name of that disease magic Johnson has?

Aloha!
11-11-2017 02:54 AM
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PapayaTapper Away
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Post: #213
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
(11-11-2017 02:54 AM)Kona Wrote:  That's humor....

Now how do spell the name of that disease magic Johnson has?

Aloha!

H I V

_______________________________________
- Does She Have The "Happy Gene" ?
-Inversion Therapy
-Let's lead by example


"Leap, and the net will appear". John Burroughs

"The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure."
Joseph Campbell
11-11-2017 03:51 AM
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Tex Cruise Offline
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Post: #214
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
If Papaya Tapper and Kona go camping, does that make Kona a tropical fruit?

(01-19-2016 11:26 PM)ordinaryleastsquared Wrote:  I stand by my analysis.
11-11-2017 03:54 AM
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Post: #215
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
(11-11-2017 03:51 AM)PapayaTapper Wrote:  
(11-11-2017 02:54 AM)Kona Wrote:  That's humor....

Now how do spell the name of that disease magic Johnson has?

Aloha!

H I V

Are you sure about that?

Aloha!
11-11-2017 04:12 AM
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NightVale Offline
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Post: #216
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers.
The priest tells the nuns that since they have been good and have upheld the standards of the church, they can do whatever they want for 24 hours.
After 24 hours, the priest calls the nuns back in and asks what they did.
The first nun says, ''I had sex with two men at one time.''
The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''
The second nun tells the priest, ''I robbed a bank for $25,000.''
The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''
The third nun tells the priest, ''I killed a woman that I have wanted dead all my life.''
The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''
The priest said to the fourth nun, ''Okay, what sin did you commit.''
The fourth nun says, ''I pissed in the holy water.'''
(This post was last modified: 11-12-2017 01:54 AM by NightVale.)
11-12-2017 01:53 AM
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Sisyphus Offline
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Post: #217
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
Why do people smoke after sex?


Friction
11-13-2017 09:34 PM
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Post: #218
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.


He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”


“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”


"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.


He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”


The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.


Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."


The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.


The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.


"What seems to be the problem, sir?"


"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"


The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.


"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

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Havamal 77

Cows die,
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you will die the same way.
I know only one thing
that never dies:
the reputation of the one who's died.
11-14-2017 05:59 PM
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Post: #219
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
^That's a good one. I like animal and\or insect jokes...

A slug is slithering down a dark alley. Two turtles jump out and beat him up.

The slug calls 911 from his cell phone and the ambulance gets there.

They ask the slug "who did this to you?"

He says "I don't know, it happened so fast."

Aloha!
11-14-2017 06:06 PM
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Post: #220
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
A Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

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Havamal 77

Cows die,
family die,
you will die the same way.
I know only one thing
that never dies:
the reputation of the one who's died.
11-14-2017 09:31 PM
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Post: #221
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
^^Math humor, good.

What's the square root of 69?

Eight something.

Aloha!
11-14-2017 09:59 PM
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Post: #222
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
Why did the mute chemist write this during a game of Counterstrike?

NaCL
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NaOH
















































He was telling everyone the base is under assault.

Remissas, discite, vivet.
God save us from people who mean well. -storm
11-14-2017 10:28 PM
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Post: #223
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

They both come on little crackers.

Aloha!
11-15-2017 07:36 PM
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Post: #224
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
This guy is walking past a mental hospital where from behind the high wall he hears a large group of the patients chanting

"Two hundred ninety eight!"
"Two hundred ninety eight!"
"Two hundred ninety eight!"
"Two hundred ninety eight!"
"Two hundred ninety eight!"
"Two hundred ninety eight!"

Hes just about past the end of the wall when he notices a hole in it. Curious and seeing a chance to see what the the whackanoodles are chanting about he goes up to the peep hole. The second he has his face against the wall to look a finger jabs him in the eye and the chant changes

"Two hundred ninety nine !"
"Two hundred ninety nine !"
"Two hundred ninety nine !"
"Two hundred ninety nine !"
"Two hundred ninety nine !"
"Two hundred ninety nine !"

_______________________________________
- Does She Have The "Happy Gene" ?
-Inversion Therapy
-Let's lead by example


"Leap, and the net will appear". John Burroughs

"The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure."
Joseph Campbell
11-15-2017 09:03 PM
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Post: #225
RE: Let's have a laugh - share some jokes
During the Alaskan Gold-Rush a man sells his meager farm and stakes his claim far out in the Alaskan wilderness. He has some luck, but after about six months he is running low on supplies, so he heads into town.

He gets stocked up on fresh supplies, gets himself a bath, then heads to the bar and orders up a bottle.

"Hey bartender!" He slurs after a couple of stiff belts, "Where can a man find a woman around here?"

"No women here yet. I hear they made it as far as Juneau, but not this far"

"Damnation!" The prospector muttered.

"You know, there's always 'Ol Joe, down at the end of the bar..." The bartender made a motion with his thumb.

"Naw, I don't go for that shit!"

So the miner loaded up and headed back out to his claim. After another six months, he was running low on supplies again and so headed back into town. Got his supplies, a bath and then to the bar...

"Hey bartender! Where can a fella get a woman?"

"'Fraid they still ain't made it this far just yet. They're up in Anchorage now, so's I hear, but not this far out."

"Sonofabitch!" The prospector slurred.

"Now, you know...there's always 'Ol Joe down at the end of the bar..."

"Naw, I don't go for that shit!"

The miner headed out and sure enough, six months, low supplies, back into town, supplies, bath, bar...

"Hey bartender! Any women make it into town yet?"

"Nope. I hear they in Barstow now, but not this far out"

"Bastard!" The miner cursed.

"Well, just sayin' there's always 'Ol Joe, down at the end of the bar..."

By now the miner was truly desperate and he started thinking. Then he motioned the bartender close and lowered his voice.

"Hey, if I take up 'Ol Joe up on this, who's all gotta know about it?"

"Well, me and you and 'Ol Joe...and those two guys down there next to Joe"

"What? Why do they have to know?"

"Well, 'cause 'Ol Joe, he don't go for that shit either"

Contrary to expectations, the AIDS crisis hasn’t yet killed all of the world’s performance artists.

-Jim Goad
(This post was last modified: 11-15-2017 10:57 PM by Charles Martel.)
11-15-2017 10:41 PM
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