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How to handle extremelely negative parents/family?
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Gyro Offline
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Post: #1
How to handle extremelely negative parents/family?
I'm 21 and my parents have been pushing the medical route on me since birth..recently I determined I hate school so after my bachelors I want to do tech sales and transition into entrepreneurship. Problem is that my parents keep telling me I'm an idiot, suggest stupid outcomes like I'm going to become a heroin addict (scare tactics), and tell me they're shipping me back to the Middle East. This takes a significant toll on my confidence and now I'm starting to feel uneasy/insecure to the point where I'm starting to feel depressed (despite feeling like I'm on top of the world a couple days ago).

How have you successfully dealed with shitty unsupportive family????

"Whoever acquires knowledge but does not practice it is as one who ploughs but does not sow."
– Saadi
(This post was last modified: 10-08-2016 12:36 AM by Gyro.)
10-08-2016 12:35 AM
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Post: #2
RE: How to handle extremelely negative parents/family?
OP,if you ve had enough time to decide to start a thread I would suggest that you take some similar time to browse the forums (the "search" function is a magnificent thing!) plenty of stories and tips in dealing with parental conflict.

But to quench a bit your doubts...
Don't you think it would help just for the sake of your own conscience and sanity to take a more empathic approach to the issue and ask yourself:
-What age are your parents?
-Where do they come from and what cultural environment did they develop in that they would suggest or pressure you in a particular direction?

Furthermore, you are providing insufficient background :
You say you are 21 yet you are threatened "to be shipped back to the middle east".
Are you located in the western hemisphere were being 21 means that you are legally considered a full fledged adult and what your tutors/parents say means jack shit about what you should do?

We move between light and shadow, mutually influencing and being influenced through shades of gray...
(This post was last modified: 10-08-2016 01:24 AM by Elster.)
10-08-2016 01:23 AM
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John_Galt Offline
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Post: #3
RE: How to handle extremelely negative parents/family?
The most important thing about this is still unknown:

DO YOU HAVE CITIZENSHIP IN THE COUNTRY YOU LIVE IN NOW?

If you do, there's nothing they can do. They can't "ship you back to the middle-east".

If for some reason, your stay depends on your parents, then the strategies that you will consider will be vastly different than if you could simply tell them to fuck off without any consequences to your residence.
10-08-2016 01:30 AM
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Leonard D Neubache Offline
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RE: How to handle extremelely negative parents/family?
Curious. How far along are you in your studies?

"Medical". Are we talking doctor or enrolled nurse?

There's a huge difference between being a first year med student and being a year away from graduation.

p.s. Everyone hates school but nobody hates having oodles of money at the end of the week.
10-08-2016 01:55 AM
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Kona Offline
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RE: How to handle extremelely negative parents/family?
(10-08-2016 12:35 AM)Gyro Wrote:  I'm going to become a heroin addict

That's some odd logic. I didn't go to medical school, and I'm not a heroin addict.

Are your parents going to pay for medical school?

If so, be a doctor then do your tech sales thing. There are worse things to have as a plan b than being a doctor.

You could open a heroin rehab center in the middle east. That'll show them.

Let your haters be your motivators.

Aloha!
10-08-2016 02:17 AM
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RatInTheWoods Offline
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RE: How to handle extremelely negative parents/family?
You need to change that part of you that cares about what other people think about you.

You need to learn to say "thanks for your input, but its my life and decision to make".

The only validation you need is from that guy in the mirror.
10-08-2016 05:00 AM
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BelyyTigr Offline
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RE: How to handle extremelely negative parents/family?
(10-08-2016 12:35 AM)Gyro Wrote:  I'm 21 and my parents have been pushing the medical route on me since birth..recently I determined I hate school so after my bachelors I want to do tech sales and transition into entrepreneurship. Problem is that my parents keep telling me I'm an idiot, suggest stupid outcomes like I'm going to become a heroin addict (scare tactics), and tell me they're shipping me back to the Middle East. This takes a significant toll on my confidence and now I'm starting to feel uneasy/insecure to the point where I'm starting to feel depressed (despite feeling like I'm on top of the world a couple days ago).

How have you successfully dealed with shitty unsupportive family????

In a word, YES.

This post leapt out of the page at me.

My parents too tried to brainwash me into being a doctor since birth. Basically they were controlfreaks, pyschonuts. They also tried to brainwash me into classical music, talking "posh" and other shit like not letting me have pocket money to spend as I wished. I hated sciences and I hated medical programmes on TV, any of that shit. Their "fallback" choice was law, but they didn't like that at all. And once I decided I wanted business... well that was it.

I'm in England, they live a lower middle class lifestyle, with upper middle class pomposity. At the time I was in uni, parents legally had to contribute to their kids education along with grants (only very limited loans were available). As I wasn't studying medicine at 18 yrs (it starts early in England) they gave me fuck all fin support. So I wound up in huge debt. In England, things in the prestige occupations (I wanted to work in Ldon's financial centre) esp for graduate trainees are very social class orientated. It helps hugely to go to a private high school and/or have parents fix up your first job/s/internship via contacts. Now mine are very connected (friends with a former prime minister etc) but they never gave me a single leg up - such was their "outrage" that I didn't become a boring doctor (who they wanted would love classical music and talk like Prince Charles!) They also cheated me financially several times as a kid and adult when I was trying to start up in business. I don't speak with them these days. All in all, it meant getting a decent career (by my measurements) started was fucking hard. Good riddance to bad rubbish I say.

My view. Be as two faced and snide as they are. Lie thro your teeth to them. Manipulate them like they have done with you. They sound like bullies and child abusers. Doesn't the US system look at their income to decide what fin assistance you get? That means you need to "finesse" your parents or have a formal legal separation. The former would prob be easier.

Additionally, I suspect you need to reprogamme yourself. They're conditioning you to believe you are worthless outside of medicine. You've been subjected to a barrage of pyschological warfare. Try NLP, hypnosis and read a book or two on the subject.

PM me and I'll try my best if u want. Infact, I'm sure we'd both benefit.
(This post was last modified: 10-08-2016 05:06 AM by BelyyTigr.)
10-08-2016 05:04 AM
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Vaun Offline
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Post: #8
RE: How to handle extremelely negative parents/family?
Your parents dont sound like bad people, they just dont want to support you in your dreams, not theirs.

Bad/extremely negative parents are losers, drug addicts, financial failures, lazy, dumb, etc. Be fortunate you dont have this.

For now I would just simply walk away from them and cut all ties, and go focus on your dreams. Are you man enough to do this? That means you cant take a dollar from them, and cut ties by only talking to them infrequently.

The longer you stay around them, the more you will be frustrated.
10-08-2016 06:46 AM
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ShotgunUppercuts Offline
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Post: #9
RE: How to handle extremelely negative parents/family?
Sounds like you need some fuck you money.

Get into your own place so you can do what you want without any negative input .your parents can't have much say if you're out on your own.
10-08-2016 10:14 AM
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Chevalier De Seingalt Offline
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Post: #10
RE: How to handle extremelely negative parents/family?
Medicine is not for everybody, and it is not the cash cow it once was. There are decreasing reimbursements, shockingly high student loan debt, and a whole lot of uncertainty for the future given the looming implosion of Obamacare and whatever government power-grab is to follow.

It can still be a good choice if you actually love the work, love learning science, and have a high tolerance for hospital/government/insurance company bureaucratic bullshit. If any of those things are not true, it's not worth it.

Your parents sound typical of many Middle-Eastern, Indian, and East-Asian parents who are always hounding their children to become doctors. In my experience this is usually done half out of an earnest desire to see them have a good, stable job (and job security is one of the big advantages of a medical career), and half so that they can brag to their family and friends about "our doctor son".

It's hard to give advice without knowing more about your situation, but if I were in you shoes I would do the following: sit them down and respectfully explain that you've thought long and hard about a career in medicine, but because of reasons X,Y, and Z decided that it's not the right thing for you; at the same time you want to have a good career in "whatever", and so you are taking steps A,B, and C to make that happen.

If they can't listen to that and have a reasonable discussion then there's nothing else you can say to change them and you shouldn't waste your mental and emotional energy. Try to be as independent as you can without doing permanent damage to your relationship with them (unless they really are so toxic that it's unbearable), when you're more established and doing well they'll likely chill out (again, unless they're truly pathological).

Medical training is too long, and life is too short, if you're heart isn't in it.
10-08-2016 11:25 AM
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GetRichOrdie Offline
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RE: How to handle extremelely negative parents/family?
Oftentimes you are far better off moving out, simply just for the windfall of positive emotion and well-being you will get when you distance yourself from negative people. my mother was very emotionally abusive towards me, and the only thing that worked was to physically move myself away and shut off contact. The thinking that better the devil you know is a cop-out and you will suffer for it long term.
10-16-2016 04:08 AM
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one-two Offline
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RE: How to handle extremelely negative parents/family?
(10-08-2016 05:00 AM)RatInTheWoods Wrote:  You need to change that part of you that cares about what other people think about you.

You need to learn to say "thanks for your input, but its my life and decision to make".

The only validation you need is from that guy in the mirror.

I read a wonderful book about this called "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith. The basic premise is this, you alone are the ultimate judge of your own actions. A good way to break it down to people is to say that whatever they want you to do may very well be a great idea, but they will not have to live with the consequences, you will. Therefore, it's not their call, but yours.

Also, when things don't work out so good, it helps to remember that it was you who got yourself into the situation. Your decisions, your actions, your consequences. Own the whole damn thing, because the last thing those people want to hear is how they are responsible for your misfortune.

Last quote from a different, but related book, "What Do You Say After You Say Hello?" by Eric Berne. When the conflict between the parent and the child arises, the proper way to frame it is not as an act of defiance, but independence. Don't fight them, just do your own thing.
10-20-2016 03:20 PM
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polymath Offline
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RE: How to handle extremelely negative parents/family?
Iranian? I ask because you mention the Middle East and you quote Saadi in your signature.

Make your own choices, and understand that it will be hard to defend them if you make them obvious to your family. Best to make your moves quietly, stay calm, and keep your head down.

You don't need support. You're a man. Instead of being propped up by the people around you, be propelled by the aspirations within you.
(This post was last modified: 10-20-2016 03:33 PM by polymath.)
10-20-2016 03:32 PM
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