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How To Build/Rebuild Your Social Life
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WanderingSoul Offline
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Post: #1
How To Build/Rebuild Your Social Life
I saw this on the Misc the other day. I rarely visit that forum, but sometimes check it out of I'm killing time and need a laugh. This post really resonated with me, and I think based off of a lot of threads I've seen here lately, it will really help some others.

A couple things I'll add in red of my own.
Quote:Below is a long post because this subject is near and dear to me. I get where OP is coming from. So go make some coffee, maybe make a snack, and enjoy my "too long; didn't read" post.

Good Lord at some of these responses in this thread.

Here's the good news OP: What you're going through is very normal and near- universal at your age. From birth to college graduation you had an established path set up for you by society - get up, play with whatever toys the parents put in front of you, get up and go to First Grade, get up another day and go to Third Grade, eventually get up and go to senior year of college. So for your whole life you existed in a clearly defined progressive pathway.

And now that you're out of school and not living under your parents' roof? The entire structure just evaporates.

I understand that that can be both terrifying and liberating at the same time. Again, virtually everyone in their mid-20s hits this realization of uncertainty for the future and concern about un-realized potential lost in the past. Hence the "lost" sensation that you're experiencing. So if anything, you should feel comforted knowing that nearly everyone gets this feeling around the same time you do.

Okay, now for practical advice from someone who's been where you've been - or even in a worse spot.

OP, I'm 36 years old. (in before gif of going to Over 35 Misc) When I was in my 20s I was King of the FA's. I'd gone bald prematurely, I worked at an office filled with people in their 50s so I had no one to relate to, and I had no social life to speak of. Hell, I was practically a shut-in when I was outside of work. And I mean that - I would go weeks without talking to anyone if it wasn't through work. It wasn't always like that though - I had plenty of friends in college, but we naturally drifted away post-graduation (another universal experience). Needless to say, I saw the past as this wonderful period that I could have made even greater, while the future looked like a desolate nightmare of routine work and loneliness. I recall one night when I was 28 or 29, getting drunk alone and actually screaming in my apartment that I hated my life. I think I screamed "I hate my life!" for I dunno....two hours straight.

When I reached that low point, I reached a realization that I needed to turn my life around. It wasn't an exceptionally difficult choice, because my initial perspective was "What do I have to lose?" I wake up, go to work, go to the gym, come home and watch tv before going to sleep. I recognized there were some major aspects of my life that I needed to change.

1. For one thing, I improved how I looked at myself. Don't know if this part is overly relevant to OP's topic, but I drastically changed how I dressed, got LASIK, and had hair transplants. When I look in the mirror I became a lot happier with who I saw looking back. Maybe that plays in to what follows

2. I developed an actual plan for building a social life, as well as for dating. I'd had girlfriends in college before my self-imposed isolation. I naturally wanted dating/sex to be a part of this new project of "Getting a Life."

For making friends, I recognized one key necessity: in the adult world for guys, making friends requires a) routine interaction, and b) preferably, a shared goal (like when playing sports).
And now for the really good news: There's a metric ton of other people out there who are also trying to make new friends. So the environment is actually working in your favor without you even knowing it (or previously taking advantage of it).

In my case, I looked at my hobbies and interests, and thought about how I could "inject social opportunities" into them.

1) I signed up for social sports leagues - this had the single biggest impact. It's incredibly ideal for making friends - you're seeing them each week (routine) and you're playing to win a game (shared goal). Some of my happiest memories of bar hopping aren't from my college years, but rather from post-game impromptu pub-crawls with my teammates. Over the course of the year I'll be in softball, beach volleyball, kickball, soccer. It's fun and it's a break from routine - it feels good to leave work a little early on a Wednesday because you gotta get to your game on time. And let me tell you something - I've fukked dozens of the girls that were on my teams (and on opposing teams). In any case, sports are an unbelievable opportunity to build up a social group.

I was at a park near my place the other day and there was a kickball game going on. I was like WTF? But then I realized it was coed and there was TONS of hot girls on the teams. It even looked kind of fun.

Ultimate Frisbee is another one that looks fun as hell and you'd get a great workout in.

Also, my #1 is Brazilian Jiu Jitsu or Muay Thai. BJJ is awesome for meeting new people. Not many girls, but usually quite a few cool dudes who will hang out and go out together.

2) I pushed a social aspect into my other interests. There's some meetup websites out there that are ideal for this, but a lot of other resources too. I've been studying spanish for a few years and wanted to get more serious with it. Boom - signed up for Spanish Meetup, now I got a 10am "conversational spanish" group I meet at a coffeeshop on Saturdays. Likewise I realized that learning latin dancing (salsa & bachata) is like a goldmine for meeting girls. I now take formal classes in that....annnnd now my classmates and I schedule outings to nightclubs that host latin dance nights. I also love to go running - bam, I joined a local Runners Association. This is basically a social league for jogging - each week on a Tuesday we meet at a bar, do a 5k run, and then drink the rest of the night away at said bar. I also do some photography stuff with groups too - You get the idea, right? Take your interests and expand them into opportunities to socialize. (also any work/professional organizations)

3) Now this point is central, OP it's on you to be the "Mayor" of your social group. Set up activities that actually bridge these individual social groups you're building. For instance, I lead a bar trivia team. Tons of fun - lots of laughs every time we go out. But I made sure to cobble this team together from people I knew at softball, spanish class, my runners group, and a few workout partners. Basically when you have enough smaller social circles you can actually merge them into a real social network. One of the dudes on my team that I made is now engaged to one of the girls I invited onto the team. It blows my mind that any children they might have will exist because I wanted to get myself a life. Similarly, now that it's summer, I do beach volleyball on Friday nights, but if I get invited to a party that one of my photography buddies is hosting, I load up my car with my volleyball teammates and off we go.

When I was your age OP, I barely existed. Now, I'm struggling to fit gym workouts into my insane schedule, as my phone keeps blowing up with invites to events & parties, dates, as well as some other volunteer/community stuff. I actually have had to improve how I track my expenses, as some weeks I'll go out to dinner with different friends every single night (not exactly a problem I thought I'd ever have). Also, with the established "social proof" (as its called), I've practically had to beat back some women. It's amazing how much more attractive you become to women when they see you as the center of your group of friends. I've had five girlfriends in the past 4 years, and more often than not I run into the issue of too many sloot options. Obviously I'd like to settle down at some point, but right now the situation is still something of a novelty.

OP, we're on this planet for a very short time. Forgive your past self for not meeting some fanciful "potential" and instead focus your thoughts and energies on improving your future self. BioPhukup of 2018 is counting on you to make his life more awesome. Figure out an actual plan and set to it. Laying back and passively expecting a fulfilling life and social circle to "magically just happen" will not work and even worse, waste the precious resource of time. Put together a plan of attack and get to it. Don't let future BioPhukup or me down.

We're all going to make it

Some resources:
(This post was last modified: 08-03-2017 02:30 PM by WanderingSoul.)
08-03-2017 02:30 PM
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stefpdt Offline
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Post: #2
RE: How To Build/Rebuild Your Social Life
That last line got me. RIP Zyzz.

But for real, this is pretty good stuff.

Graduating from college is kind of a social crisis sometimes and it isn't always talked about much.

But we're lucky that it's possible to have a "social reset" pretty easily nowadays.

Find cool people, force yourself to go's not all that bad.
08-03-2017 11:31 PM
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Laurifer Offline
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Post: #3
RE: How To Build/Rebuild Your Social Life
I just finished school for the second time and was enjoying a pretty big social circle, but I've since moved and feel like I've regressed socially because of it.

However, I did just start a new job with like-minded guys who are my age in a very non-pc setting, and reading this is great inspiration. Thanks for sharing.
08-06-2017 12:39 AM
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redbeard Offline
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Post: #4
RE: How To Build/Rebuild Your Social Life
Bump. Gonna give this a go.

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04-06-2019 08:00 PM
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Seth_Rose Offline
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Post: #5
RE: How To Build/Rebuild Your Social Life
What about for those living abroad? Social sports leagues, for example, aren't as big outside the USA/Western countries, from what I've seen.

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04-07-2019 05:28 AM
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the-dream Offline

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Post: #6
RE: How To Build/Rebuild Your Social Life
(04-07-2019 05:28 AM)Seth_Rose Wrote:  What about for those living abroad? Social sports leagues, for example, aren't as big outside the USA/Western countries, from what I've seen.

It works even better if you can find the few that exist because it will usually contain other like-minded expats. They probably won't exist at all if you're not in a major city though.

Through these things in a Southeast Asian city where it's not part of their culture and that the specific sport I do isn't widely played, I've become friends with a restaurant owner, recruiters of foreigners, professional sports players and digital nomads, all of whom are wonderful, inspiring people to know.

I'm not sure of any other way that I'd connect with high-caliber guys like that, especially not being a particular high-caliber guy myself.

If I was in the West or even doing something that was participated in en-masse by the locals in a foreign country, I'd just be making friends with random schlubs.

So to answer your question, as long as it exists on even a micro scale, it will be even better for you that it's not so big. If it doesn't exist, create it yourself then immediately you are by default the "mayor" or "king" that OP refers to.
(This post was last modified: 04-07-2019 06:02 AM by the-dream.)
04-07-2019 05:49 AM
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MrDoe Offline
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Post: #7
RE: How To Build/Rebuild Your Social Life
I've always found CrossFit to be a great networker. Typically CrossFit gyms are tight-knit communities, where everyone socializes before and after workouts. Good spot for meeting women who care about being in shape. Some might think that CrossFit chicks are overly muscly, but in my experience, that is really only a very small minority.

CrossFit is also found all over the world (as many already know), drop in's are always welcomed so if you're traveling that might be a great option.
(This post was last modified: 04-07-2019 05:30 PM by MrDoe.)
04-07-2019 05:28 PM
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KnjazMihailo Offline
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Post: #8
RE: How To Build/Rebuild Your Social Life
(04-07-2019 05:28 AM)Seth_Rose Wrote:  What about for those living abroad? Social sports leagues, for example, aren't as big outside the USA/Western countries, from what I've seen.

Well that depends on whether you want to hang out with expats/locals. This assumes you're an expat or an Anglo/West Euro residing outside of the West.

I would say that you could chill with other expats where they do similar things or find out what activities/sports locals watch and follow or join them.

I actually read your website and follow your email list so you're more than welcome to pm me about anything as you've made a move to a region of the world i'm quite familiar with.

"And guess what, you might have a feeling that youre destined for something else, and that any day now it will dawn on you, but it will remain that, just a feeling that you use as a crutch to never focus on anything", Beirut.
04-12-2019 06:59 AM
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KanoKnows Offline
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Post: #9
RE: How To Build/Rebuild Your Social Life
I'm 25 and starting to see myself going down the dark road of loneliness.

The old childhood friends you used to see every day slowly turns into once a week... then its once a month. Then a few times a year and before you know it by you mid 20's nobody wants to make the effort to keep in touch for the sake of meeting up a few times a year.

Right now the only thing thats keeping me happy is travelling 3 - 4 months of the year, but when I return home the realization that I dont really have a "life" to come back too sets in. Just simply eat, sleep, work repeat while saivng for the next trip. thats all that keeps me motivated and sane.

Seems if I dont summon the courage soon to get more proactive the outlook for the future is pretty bleak.
04-14-2019 07:36 AM
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