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Too nice. How do I fix?
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Caloochey Offline
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Post: #1
Too nice. How do I fix?
I care about everyone and give people credit before they earn it (basically I'm a walking vagina). Strangers, coworkers, family, it doesn't matter when I give them love or help I always seem to eat shit and get zero respect in return.

How can I stop being so nice and stop giving people credit before they earn it?
02-13-2018 04:20 PM
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General Stalin Offline
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Post: #2
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
You need to harden up, learn to look out for number 1, and stop being a doormat. Understand that people will tend to take advantage of others if they are weak and useful. Not much actionable advice to give on this sort of thing really as it sounds like this is a straight up personality trait of yours that you will just have to change overtime after getting sick of being walked on constantly.
02-13-2018 07:19 PM
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Mikestar Offline
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Post: #3
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
Through experience. I used to be the nicest guy ever till I got a job working in customer service and as a cleaner with my dickhead boss and coworkers trying to take advantage of me every day. Any experience where if you are nice you'll get eaten up will help you change, after that job I wasn't the same again cos I experienced the harsh reality of life, this doesn't need to be through a job but get yourself in situations/environments like that which will force you to change. Don't think you are a walking vagina and focus more on yourself, eliminate the need to impress people so much.
02-13-2018 07:39 PM
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Truth Tiger Offline
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Post: #4
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
You may have some underlying psychological issues that a good therapist could assist with. I've done some work (phone or Skype) with Dr. Tara Palmatier (google her if you're interested). She seems very red pilled and enjoys assisting men.

I also suggest you take note of any self-talk related to 'I want to make them happy' or 'I'm afraid they won't like me if I don't XYZ' or 'I should be nice/generous, right?' I've had to deal with that for years and it sucked. Watching / listening for that inner dialogue will make it easier to not follow through on it because you are only responsible for yourself.

Part of your rebirth may come from taking more time with yourself, and even FORCING yourself to not speak or offer unless someone asks you. If they ask you to do something, you don't have to give an answer right away. If they act like you do then they're just manipulating you.

I would be happy to give you more specific suggestions via PM as there are other tools and resources I can recommend. Ive been developing a personal development business (and have already had paid clients). It's my pleasure to offer some specific pointers at no charge for RVFers.

Q drops here // Q proofs here
Mark Passio's Natural Law seminar
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Ho'oponopono: a powerful, simple way to 'clean' up your life
(This post was last modified: 02-13-2018 08:07 PM by Truth Tiger.)
02-13-2018 08:03 PM
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Steelex Offline
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Post: #5
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
Start by holding yourself accountable. You're the one giving them credit and respect before it's due. Your results in life start and end with you.

There is no right or wrong, there is only winning and losing and if you wanna be a loser then that's your choice. Just remember that at the end of the day the loser can only help people by being their toilet. The winner can help others in so many more ways if they so choose.
02-13-2018 09:54 PM
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ChefAllDay Offline
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Post: #6
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
My best advice, and it's advice I used to have to give myself regularly is to "stop giving a fuck what other people think". It sounds simple, but feels hard to do. However one you start it gets easier very day. Just my 2 cents.

*edit* also don't be a douche

"Women however should get a spanking at least once a week by their husbands and boyfriends - that should be mandated by law" - Zelcorpion
(This post was last modified: 02-13-2018 10:55 PM by ChefAllDay.)
02-13-2018 10:54 PM
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scotian Offline
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Post: #7
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
Spend a year or two working in the oil industry, that’ll harden you up real quick.

God damned them all, I was told we'd cruise the seas for American gold, we'd fire no guns-shed no tears, now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier, the last of Barrett's privateers!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIwzRkjn86w
02-14-2018 12:01 AM
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nek Offline
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Post: #8
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
Muay Thai.

Civilize the mind but make savage the body.
02-14-2018 02:05 AM
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AmericanPharoah Offline
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Post: #9
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
Negotiate. Someone wants a favor? "yeah ok, but lunch is on you today". Someone complains that you charge for ranch cups at a pizza joint you work at? "You didn't order a salad, you ordered a pizza, ain't nothing free in this world. By the way those napkins are $.10 a pop"
02-14-2018 02:24 AM
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Kieran Offline
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Post: #10
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
The problem is you don't want to go in completely the opposite direction either. When you only look out for number one, you may feel like you're winning, but you miss out on a lot of situations that could be win-win for all involved. I used to be 100% out for myself but things got a lot better when I started giving more and investing more effort all around, you just have to monitor where it is being reciprocated and where it is not, and don't be afraid to walk away where it's not.
02-14-2018 04:53 AM
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realRichardJohnson Offline
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Post: #11
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
1. Affirmations
2. Boundaries
3. Stop apologizing


1. Say “I am an arrogant mother fucker” and “I don’t owe anyone shit” 100 times a day each. Over the course of a year this will have a huge effect on you.

2. Everyone has to have boundaries. Pick some things that are important in your life that you will absolutely not let anyone change or infringe upon.

3. STOP saying excuse me, sorry, or thank you profusely. Also stop asking for permission. If you’re at a restaurant don’t say “excuse me dear kind sir can I have a cheeseburger?” That mofo gets paid to give you a cheeseburger. Say “let me get a cheeseburger”. Only move out of the way, give up a seat, or say excuse me to the elderly or disabled. No one else.

Richard “Dick” Johnson
02-22-2018 11:34 AM
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H1N1 Offline
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Post: #12
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
Why do you want to stop 'being too nice'? Presumably because you are not getting what you want from people.

How do you get what you want from people? The most effective way, in my view, is to make people want to do voluntarily and gladly whatever it is you want them to do.

What kind of people do you want to help/please/be accommodating to, in general? I don't know about you, but for me it's not the arsehole, or brusk, or charmless guy. When I come across those people I want to push back, and do what I can to stop them getting what they want.

The point is that you can be charming, grateful, kind, well mannered and polite without being a pushover. In fact, done correctly, this approach will reap more from other people than any other. The question you ought to be asking yourself in any interaction is, 'what do I want out of this?'. If you know that, you can be a delight, and get your own way. If you keep in mind what you want, you need never be brusk or a wanker, or even impolite, you can simply manoeuvre with a smile and grace until things go in the direction you want. If they aren't going to go in that direction by being charming and polite, they are less likely to by being a bully, so it is best simply to remove yourself from the interaction with a smile.

If you know what you want, you can control the frame of a conversation with that in mind.

I don't recommend the 'fuck the world' attitude.

I especially don't recommend being short with waiting staff. First, because noone in that industry is paid enough to make it worth dealing with your shitty attitude. Second, because I know a lot of people, I'm one of them, who will judge you negatively for being unlovely towards people who can't do much for you. Some of these people run some of the biggest companies in the world.

I know a 'unicorn' company, a highly desirable company to work for, whose first question when deciding whether or not to hire someone is asked of the secretary. They ask her how the would-be recruit behaved towards her - did they engage, were they polite and charming, etc, or did they sit on their phone in the waiting area ignoring her, stand silently in the lift, etc, as though it were beneath them to ask her about her day. If the secretary gives them bad feedback, they don't go any further, regardless of their performance in the interview.
02-22-2018 12:01 PM
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Mizo1234 Offline
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Post: #13
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
I used to be asshole and I didn't care much for the other people except my family. Then, I wanted to change and went the completely opposite and I became too nice. But after that I did my own research and asked me myself one question " do you want to be nice to ppl?" My answer was yes, but I didn't people take advantage of me. Then you have to put ppl into categories . Your good friends and family , I guess you know that already . The second category is the normal people . Always have critical favor value. It means the amount of favors that you can do it for not a good friend or coworker while it cost you nothing. This amount depends on you. Example, I am very good at my work and many of the questions my coworker asking me , it is an easy answer for me so why not answering them and still I know am way better and everyone knows. let say my coworker asked me complicated question then , I will assess and check if this coworker worths this favor oor not
02-22-2018 10:43 PM
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AneroidOcean Offline
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Post: #14
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
You've been given a bunch of good advice.

Learn to say no (and mean it)

It's a very, very powerful word.

Read My Old Blog - Subscribe To My Old Blog
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(This post was last modified: 02-24-2018 12:18 AM by AneroidOcean.)
02-24-2018 12:18 AM
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el conquistador Offline
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Post: #15
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover and "When I Say 'No' I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith.

Those 2 books will explain what you're doing wrong and give you some actionable strategies.

Being nice isn't a problem, being weak is. Being nice and being assertive aren't mutually exclusive.

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02-24-2018 03:06 PM
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Glass Offline
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Post: #16
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
(02-14-2018 12:01 AM)scotian Wrote:  Spend a year or two working in the oil industry, that’ll harden you up real quick.

This gave me a chuckle. I spent a short time (2 years) in the oilfield and you learn pretty quick. I was a pretty quiet, young, meek kid right out of high school and boy did I ever get put through the wringer.
(This post was last modified: 02-25-2018 01:01 AM by Glass.)
02-25-2018 01:00 AM
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NomadofEU Offline
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Post: #17
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
When you learn about frame and how frame is held/conceded, your problem will fix itself. Most men are nice guys at heart, but the ways of the world aren't obvious and the importance of holding frame will always be admired. How you hold frame depends on you, but in my experience the "nice guy" always concedes his frame because he doesn't know how to hold it without threatening offense (he's afraid to lose the girl because of his scarcity mentality).

Having your frame challenged and challenging the frame of others is natural. However, the stronger your frame, the more your problem of being a nice guy will fade.

Save for those select few who've made talking central to their life's work,
Doers usually don't talk much, and
Talkers usually don't do much
02-25-2018 04:01 AM
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Georges89 Offline
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Post: #18
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
(02-22-2018 12:01 PM)H1N1 Wrote:  Why do you want to stop 'being too nice'? Presumably because you are not getting what you want from people.

How do you get what you want from people? The most effective way, in my view, is to make people want to do voluntarily and gladly whatever it is you want them to do.

What kind of people do you want to help/please/be accommodating to, in general? I don't know about you, but for me it's not the arsehole, or brusk, or charmless guy. When I come across those people I want to push back, and do what I can to stop them getting what they want.

The point is that you can be charming, grateful, kind, well mannered and polite without being a pushover. In fact, done correctly, this approach will reap more from other people than any other. The question you ought to be asking yourself in any interaction is, 'what do I want out of this?'. If you know that, you can be a delight, and get your own way. If you keep in mind what you want, you need never be brusk or a wanker, or even impolite, you can simply manoeuvre with a smile and grace until things go in the direction you want. If they aren't going to go in that direction by being charming and polite, they are less likely to by being a bully, so it is best simply to remove yourself from the interaction with a smile.

If you know what you want, you can control the frame of a conversation with that in mind.

I don't recommend the 'fuck the world' attitude.

I especially don't recommend being short with waiting staff. First, because noone in that industry is paid enough to make it worth dealing with your shitty attitude. Second, because I know a lot of people, I'm one of them, who will judge you negatively for being unlovely towards people who can't do much for you. Some of these people run some of the biggest companies in the world.

I know a 'unicorn' company, a highly desirable company to work for, whose first question when deciding whether or not to hire someone is asked of the secretary. They ask her how the would-be recruit behaved towards her - did they engage, were they polite and charming, etc, or did they sit on their phone in the waiting area ignoring her, stand silently in the lift, etc, as though it were beneath them to ask her about her day. If the secretary gives them bad feedback, they don't go any further, regardless of their performance in the interview.

You hit the nail on the head here.

OP If you have a 'nice guy' attitude, (Read No More Mr Nice Guy) then you are trying to manipulate people through being 'nice'. But most likely you will come across as creepy and unlikable in that respect.

Its very different as mentioned above, if you have good manners, have good social skills and are a good positive person to be around. That will get you far in life.

Without knowing the intricacies of your personality its hard to judge. But you should hopefully be able to understand the difference.

I'm a very friendly, easy-going guy, but I don't have a do-gooder / people pleaser attitude at all, nor do I expect that my way of being will make it easier for me to get what I want from people. I enjoy socializing and building relationships, but I'm not hoping to 'win' something from being 'nice' to people.

It comes down to the christian way of treating others how you would be expected to be treated yourself. Treat others with respect, and without ulterior motives and you will generally get the same respect and authenticity back from your interactions.
02-25-2018 05:36 AM
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kuningasvoittamaton Offline
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Post: #19
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
(02-13-2018 04:20 PM)Caloochey Wrote:  I care about everyone and give people credit before they earn it (basically I'm a walking vagina). Strangers, coworkers, family, it doesn't matter when I give them love or help I always seem to eat shit and get zero respect in return.

How can I stop being so nice and stop giving people credit before they earn it?

You are weak and let people walk over you. It is not being nice. It is being afraid of the confrontation.
02-25-2018 05:26 PM
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roid Offline
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Post: #20
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
tren ace
02-26-2018 11:15 AM
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IvanDrago Offline
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Post: #21
RE: Too nice. How do I fix?
(02-13-2018 04:20 PM)Caloochey Wrote:  I care about everyone and give people credit before they earn it (basically I'm a walking vagina). Strangers, coworkers, family, it doesn't matter when I give them love or help I always seem to eat shit and get zero respect in return.

How can I stop being so nice and stop giving people credit before they earn it?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmajdCGs...=&start=61
(This post was last modified: 02-26-2018 11:04 PM by IvanDrago.)
02-26-2018 11:02 PM
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