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New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
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Bienvenuto Offline
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New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
What follows might not sound that bad but trust me, it is an absolute pain in the arse.

Moved to Vietnam to teach English.
Not because I want to teach English so much as the money but especially the time available to me here.
I need to do a lot of physiotherapy work, thats why I'm here.

Never taught English before and just passed a month long qualification for it.

The mantra on my course was get a job in the provinces for a few months to cut your teeth and build your cv.

I was thinking gym and pool and Im happy.

Got a job in a big isolated town with cash incentives but almost no-one wants to work here because the deposits on rental contracts are so high.
Takes a good six months to pay that off and after that start earning serious cash.
Only a few expats/ teachers here.

Arrived at the same time as another hire, thought this guy's a bit dumb but he seems okay, the choice was pay $1500 dollars (which I couldn’t afford) up front for my own place or $600 dollars to get a shared flat that was available with him. 

No other choices.


We got a shoebox flat in the same complex as my office.
Its got a cafe in the building and a big pool and a state of the art gym. Awesome.



Been sharing for 2 months now and its gotten beyond a joke.



The guy is a pretty tough nugget, boxed semi-professionally on TV, big into Jujitsu, the same perspective on women and life as most high T men, got his own goals in the gym. No problems there.


But this is the thing, this is thing..


He hasn’t made any friends here since we both arrived, he doesn’t hang out with anyone else. 



He’s got a hearing problem which means that he struggles in conversations and often walks away while people are talking to him. 



His conversation is woeful, combination of lack of hearing, no social skills, total lack of self awareness, its like pulling teeth when other people are trying to have a conversation with him.



Work actually sent him for a hearing test which he came back from claiming that he’d passed - all the while he doesn’t listen to a fucking thing anyone says to him, just talks at them and over them.



Let slip when he was shitting himself before the test that he’s failed two work hearing tests back in the Uk.



He doesn’t hang out with anyone else here.
He just hangs out in the flat telling me what a big cheese he is and all the macho, wonderful things he did that day, anything that’s on his mind, anything thats pissed him off, and it turns out that day to day there are loads of terrible slights to his ego that he has to unload to me about.


he doesn’t listen to a fucking thing I say in return.



when I say to him ‘why don’t you come out tonight? Why don’t you join us tomorrow?’ Try and spread his neurotic load around amongst some other people..


No, no, no.. he’s a loner, he doesn’t need people, he’s all about his goals.


He did come out for a work thing, he just orbited me all night, didn’t talk to anyone else, we were all waiting for a taxi outside and he goes off in my ear about his jobs as a bouncer in the Uk, ‘I fucked up a guy outside a club like this’ (grabs my arm) I head butted a guy here (pokes my face).

I stayed calm and told him to let go of me.


took the taxi to a karaoke bar he just retreated into the corner all night, didn’t talk to anyone.



we’ve fallen out about a few things in the flat, he uses utter fucking bullshit to justify why he should get his way and starts yelling at me if I put my point across,

I had to wait a long time to get him to talk about that and acknowledge that yelling at people isn’t a way to have a discussion.

He ended up by yelling at me “you’re not my Dad! You’re not my Dad!” (we’re about the same age).


He’s constantly telling me about his fucked up abandoned childhood when all Im trying to do is get away and get on with my day to day life.



Tried hinting at him that I was sick of people telling me what to do and taking up all my time.

He nodded, said ‘what are you doing now?’
I said gonna have a shower and go hit the gym.
'No, no, don’t have a shower!’
Well.. I’m going to have a shower..
“No, no, you shouldn’t!”

Told him I was moving into a hotel for a few days cos I wasn’t getting anything done.
“Wha-.. why?”
Well, anyway thats what I’m doing..
He insisted on coming with me to the hotel in the taxi. ??


During my three days in the hotel he saw me in a restaurant having lunch, came in, ordered and sat down with me.. I was friendly, finished my lunch and left after 15 minutes.


He said ‘no no, we both wait until we’ve both finished and we can go both to that place together..’
Sorry pal I cant wait.



At work he just orbits me at lunch, (we wait to get everybody together to go to lunch), he’s trying to catch my eye every twenty seconds, coming over, in my ear, ‘what are we doing? Are you going to get those people to come to lunch with us? Are we ready to go yet?’

Gee, I don’t know - they’re your coworkers as well why don’t YOU ask them? 

Today Ive been avoiding him, he knocked on my bedroom door this morning and started giving me a blow by blow diary of his morning.

I said mate Im doing my work right now.
He’s like ‘no how can you listen to a podcast and do your work?’
Its just background noise for me ‘
'no youre not really working if you have that on.. so let me tell you about my day”
Nope, Im working.
He stomps off and slams some doors.


When I finished that an hour later I got my kit together and (just like fucking escape from Alcatraz) made a break out the flat door to the lift bank.


Turn round he was behind me. 



He tells me all about how he knows that Im stressed because of these work issues I have . I
 say no, Im in a hurry but its got nothing to do with work. 
“Yes it has.”

No Im just late for a pt session.
On the way down in the lift he’s asking what pt I’m doing. 
Then its “Okay great! I’ll come and do that with you..’ 

You can’t
“yes I can”
No you’re not a member of my gym. 
“oh..” he’s still talking at me as I go into the gym.

Tonight I come in and he’s all over me wanting to tell me about his life and I said look mate Im tired and going to bed (it was 7pm). He wasn’t happy about that.

This is the thing.
The only reason why I am out here is to fix my injuries earn some money and take care of my goals. 



He’s so fucking omnipresent and demanding on my time that outside of work I am getting jack shit done atm.

Jack shit. Slight exaggeration but thats how it feels.



We live and work in the same building and he is constantly taking up my time.. Its hard to escape him.



Four months left of this flat contract or I risk losing $500 of my deposit and financially I’m living on fumes at the moment.



He’s a violent guy, maybe he can take me, maybe I could take him, who knows .. maybe we could both hospitalise each other or both get arrested.

Im just phuqed off. 

And my issue is .. for someone who is always bending my ear about how he doesn’t need anyone, he’s totally self sufficient, “don’t mess with me.. I’m Mr High T.. pursuing my solo missions” ———- he is the neediest motherphuqer that I have ever met.



Which is probably why he currently has no discernible friends and no women in his life.

And based on previous events up until now, somewhere he KNOWS that he’s carrying on like a toddler, like a stage five clinger in a jacked, scarred body

- and at the same time he’s made it clear again and again that if people start telling him things that he .. doesn’t want to hear or that… he doesn’t particularly like..
then he will go off the deep end and start acting like a twat.


Its a game of chicken.



Work is ten or so low T soy boys, in back-packs and blue stripy office shirts and all blue pilled up.
They can see that there are issues with the guy but .. anything for a quiet life.


We have a couple of low-maintenance alchoholics in our ranks. Provided they don’t rock the boat they’re left alone by the others.

Those others just shake their heads when they tell stories about him, then make up for it by agreeing with each other that he, somehow, has a “heart of gold though..” 

Then they just smile and wave at me, make jokes like “I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes.. I wouldn’t want to piss off ‘X’ ! “



The flat share was arranged through work so that if I default on it that it will involve work and I don’t want to have a whole ‘he said, she said ‘ black mark against my work record.

but..

at the same time.. 

this qunts stomping round like a bunny-boiling chimpanzee - all about himself, all through my day-
and using ‘I’m an unhinged child’- ‘dread game’ to get his way.




LTDR: My flat mate has turned into a stage five stalker and getting out of the flat share isn’t looking an easy situation.
Advice, thoughts, opinions welcome..
03-05-2018 11:28 AM
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Post: #2
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
This guy sounds seriously psycho, not alpha, beta or whatever, just plain mentally deranged. I would install a strong lock on your bedroom door until you can get your own apartment or an apartment with another roommate, no matter the black marks on your record or lost deposits.

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03-05-2018 11:43 AM
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roberto Offline
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Post: #3
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
500 bucks would be dirt cheap to get rid of that twat.

They who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety- Benjamin Franklin, as if you didn't know...
03-05-2018 01:45 PM
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Post: #4
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
Yeah spending the extra money will be worth the peace of mind
03-05-2018 03:29 PM
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Post: #5
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
I reLly would reccomend smaackin homies Kufi sideways but thats too much risk



500 dollars to get ride of a shit train and get back to your original plan sounds cheap. You'll find a way.good luck brother
03-05-2018 06:11 PM
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Post: #6
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
Accept responsibility for your mistake and find a way to fix it. Yes, it seems you were exceptionally unlucky, but you still got yourself into this and 500 bucks isn't much money.

You could start by brainstorming 5 or 10 ideas per day on how to spend more productive time away from your place, how to move out, how to make it look like suicide etc etc.

As for confronting this guy and establishing boundaries, you might benefit from checking out verbal judo and non violent communication, the latter may sound sappy but I used it to great effect at a horrible customer service job in my twenties where we would have at least one spitting mad customer a day threatening us with everything under the sun. If you are concerned about a scrap (it sounds like it would leave the pair of you spitting out bits of teeth), then it's wise to choose your words carefully.

Good luck.
03-05-2018 08:05 PM
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Suits Offline
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Post: #7
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
I'm completely shocked that a southeast Asian country with easy visas and a willingness to hire anyone white to teach ESL would attract psychos like this individual.

I'm the King of Beijing!
03-05-2018 08:29 PM
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Bienvenuto Offline
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Post: #8
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
(03-05-2018 08:05 PM)PondScum Wrote:  As for confronting this guy and establishing boundaries, you might benefit from checking out verbal judo and non violent communication, the latter may sound sappy but I used it to great effect at a horrible customer service job in my twenties where we would have at least one spitting mad customer a day threatening us with everything under the sun. If you are concerned about a scrap (it sounds like it would leave the pair of you spitting out bits of teeth), then it's wise to choose your words carefully.

Good luck.

Thanks for your thoughts gents.

I actually did a week long Non Violent Communication residential four years ago. Got a lot from it.

The issue with this guy is that no matter what he's told, if its territory he's not comfortable in, he just starts rolling his eyes and talking rubbish. Cos its all too much for him.

Where I think your advice on NVC helps is with things like tone, well reasoned requests .. which, despite the fact that he won't take it on board, leaves him with less things to latch onto and get aggressive about.

@Suits - who knew?

Edit: re-read the -now deleted- parts of this post and can see that Im beginning to whine about this rather than dealing with it. Need to man up and get this sorted.
(This post was last modified: 03-05-2018 11:18 PM by Bienvenuto.)
03-05-2018 10:40 PM
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Post: #9
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
How the hell did he fake his hearing test and get a teaching job? Being deaf myself, I cannot fathom it.

Unfortunately I know people JUST like him. They cannot be helped without professionals (not you or even myself). If I’m reading between the lines correctly, he’s probably been abandoned by his own parents because of his hearing problem, and is the kind to emotionally latch onto anyone who shows him one bit of kindness or accommodation — as you have.

His issues are too deep seated to address with a mere pep talk or even an intervention. The sad thing is that most of his issues aren’t even his fault, but coming to SEA and faking his way through hearing tests is 100% on him.

If I were you, as much as it pains me to say this about a fellow deaf guy, I would eat that $500 and bail.
(This post was last modified: 03-05-2018 11:38 PM by CleanSlate.)
03-05-2018 11:22 PM
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Post: #10
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
Lesson learned. I shared places with plenty of guys in my 20s but eventually you realise that you aren't "unlucky" to share with a psycho/thief/drunk or whatever the case may be, but in fact about 1 in 3 (unvetted) guys are going to fit into one of those categories so it's just not worth it.

Dr Johnson rumbles with the RawGod. And lives to regret it.
03-06-2018 12:12 AM
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Post: #11
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
Rent your own studio. Do not share with anyone. Ever. Why would you add burden to your mental health? I hate sharing. Most people are not hygienic at all. That alone is enough reason to have your own place.
03-06-2018 01:11 AM
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Post: #12
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
No amount of advice for Bien to bail is going to actually manifest the money he needs to do it.

My advice is this, and I'm only half kidding.

Over the course of a week start putting up some pictures of male models in your room. Alter your behaviour to be somewhat more effeminate. Start playing ABBA instead of podcasts. By the end of the week tell him that you're gay and you don't want to hide that fact in your own living space so you decided to be open with him about it, but also tell him you don't want anyone else to know, which is why you act straight in public.

My best guess is that he'll suddenly start treating you like you have the plague.
(This post was last modified: 03-06-2018 02:34 AM by Leonard D Neubache.)
03-06-2018 02:33 AM
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Post: #13
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
(03-06-2018 02:33 AM)Leonard D Neubache Wrote:  My best guess is that he'll suddenly start treating you like you have the plague.

Maybe... or maybe not.

There is a much higher incidence of gayness within the deaf population. No one knows why, and I don't either. So... careful there.
03-06-2018 03:43 AM
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Post: #14
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
(03-06-2018 03:43 AM)CleanSlate Wrote:  
(03-06-2018 02:33 AM)Leonard D Neubache Wrote:  My best guess is that he'll suddenly start treating you like you have the plague.

Maybe... or maybe not.

There is a much higher incidence of gayness within the deaf population. No one knows why, and I don't either. So... careful there.

Yeah...much as I'd like to give Leonard troll points for his idea...coming out as gay to a psychotic bodybuilder who has oozed away to a remote SEA location...could be precisely the wrong thing to do Gay

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03-06-2018 03:58 AM
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Post: #15
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
Leonards comment inspired me.

Find out what he finds annoying and impossible to be around. Slowly become that person.

If he hates messy people for example, slowly stop cleaning. The apartment and yourself.

Find out what his triggers are, not the ones that make him agressive but the ones that disgust him and make him want to run. Trigger him until he cannot take it and leaves.

He is using this strategy on you unintentionally, and you are ready to pack your bags. Why don't you try to give him a taste of his own medicine for a couple of weeks and see how he responds?
(This post was last modified: 03-06-2018 04:20 AM by asdfk.)
03-06-2018 04:20 AM
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Post: #16
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
"Mate, you're being fucking annoying. I think you should look for somewhere else to live."

2 weeks notice seems fair. It's a shot across the bow that something has to change. After that you're free to leave.

Don't explain it, just avoid him. He can blame you and save face.
Anyone he mentions it to will know what is going on.
(This post was last modified: 03-06-2018 05:19 AM by Mig Picante.)
03-06-2018 05:17 AM
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Post: #17
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
Is he gay? This sounds like legit homo shit.

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03-06-2018 05:19 AM
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Post: #18
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
(03-06-2018 02:33 AM)Leonard D Neubache Wrote:  No amount of advice for Bien to bail is going to actually manifest the money he needs to do it.

My advice is this, and I'm only half kidding.

Over the course of a week start putting up some pictures of male models in your room. Alter your behaviour to be somewhat more effeminate. Start playing ABBA instead of podcasts. By the end of the week tell him that you're gay and you don't want to hide that fact in your own living space so you decided to be open with him about it, but also tell him you don't want anyone else to know, which is why you act straight in public.

My best guess is that he'll suddenly start treating you like you have the plague.

This could be dangerous. I know you're half kidding, but what if it turns out this guy is actually a closet homo? Crazier things have happened. OP would be screwed. He might get attacked at night and hear something like "I know you feel like you're against this, but also that deep down you really want it."

Shit, that's dark.

This whole story is further reason why it's priceless to live alone.
(This post was last modified: 03-06-2018 05:39 AM by Nascimento.)
03-06-2018 05:38 AM
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Post: #19
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
Laugh3

This thread is delivering, if not for OP then for the rest of us. In truth it's hard to give solid advice about masquerading (could there possibly be a better word) as a fag without having a loafers-on-the-ground sense of what this whackjob is all about.

Bien could go the opposite direction and start sliding in allusions to being extremely homophobic or racist. He could make some shit up about a family member dying and him needing some space.

"You should keep your distance. Everyone I get close to ends up dead. I'm serious."

"I thought I would be OK without my meds but I can't stop having murderous thoughts about anyone I talk to."

Whatever bullshit gets him through the next few months.

I don't normally advocate for lying but when you're dealing with a bona-fide nut job then the rulebook goes out the window.
03-06-2018 06:07 AM
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Post: #20
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
(03-06-2018 04:20 AM)asdfk Wrote:  Leonards comment inspired me.

Find out what he finds annoying and impossible to be around. Slowly become that person.

If he hates messy people for example, slowly stop cleaning. The apartment and yourself.

Find out what his triggers are, not the ones that make him agressive but the ones that disgust him and make him want to run. Trigger him until he cannot take it and leaves.

He is using this strategy on you unintentionally, and you are ready to pack your bags. Why don't you try to give him a taste of his own medicine for a couple of weeks and see how he responds?

This has been the worst advice in the thread by far yet. You're dealing with a deranged, pathologically attached and annoying person and you think you're going to beat them at their own game? Seriously?

That roommate has been at it for 30 years. OP is just starting. Can you really see this attempt not ending in either A) OP driving himself to insanity or B) OP driving the mentally unstable person into a murderous rage?

As for Leonard's suggestion, that might result in this "overly concerned" person reporting him to the school as being "a threat to students". Let's not give this freak any more ammunition than he already has.

These two quotes apply to this situation perfectly:

Quote:“Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain

Quote:"[Trying to annoy a pathologically annoying person] is like running in the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded."
- folk proverb

p.s. for a similar but fairly benign case involving a similar personality, check out this old post of mine. However, the OP's case involves physical/violent instability as well, and is thus not benign at all.

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(This post was last modified: 03-06-2018 07:15 AM by Handsome Creepy Eel.)
03-06-2018 07:02 AM
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Post: #21
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
Lets be honest, your mental health is at stake. Your flatmate is having parasitic relationship with you. Another 4 months of this bullshit is going to drive you insane. My suggestion look over your contract and talk to someone at the school to find a way to end the lease or your contract early without causing your headaches. Start the ball rolling on at least that and find opportunities as they pop up. You have good argument that performance has degraded due to living situation or you need more extensive pt for your injuries. If you roommate finds out about the move, tell him that you need to move for new pt. Prepare to ghost him as soon as possible.
03-06-2018 04:25 PM
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Transsimian Offline
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Post: #22
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
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03-06-2018 05:03 PM
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Post: #23
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
I like that idea. Maybe try to see this as an opportunity to help someone. If you have to be around the guy that might make things easier. Who knows you might learn a thing or two about humbleness,and having empathy.

That would be my first strategy if I couldn't move out.
If you look past the neediness and find some common ground to help him out things will probably improve. Initially you might think "he's phsyco" because hes to much but lend him a hand in friendship and maybe things get better.

What others are describing to combat this situation I like to call "attack helicopters in Vietnam ". (Vietnamese/all gorilla enemies of the us do not fear the soldiers. They fear the reputation, the helicopters,the air strike,etc. So they might not attack a small convoy of units because they are provoking a creature that appears weaker but they know the fire power backing them up and dont know who else is in the area).
If that was gonna work this guy would not be doing this. Chances are that would turn their relationship into an escalating pissing contest.

03-06-2018 08:03 PM
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Post: #24
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
As a rule you'd have to be mad to try and help anyone that routinely interrupts you while you're speaking.

If this guy is genuinely deaf then politely explain to him that you're getting frustrated with being perpetually interrupted and you're instituting some kind of speaking-stick rule. If he's not willing to come to the table on that then there is not a God-damned thing you can do to help him change.
(This post was last modified: 03-06-2018 08:40 PM by Leonard D Neubache.)
03-06-2018 08:39 PM
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Post: #25
RE: New Male Flatmate is a borderline stalker/ bundle of unresolved needs.
(03-06-2018 04:25 PM)Thersites Wrote:  Lets be honest, your mental health is at stake. Your flatmate is having parasitic relationship with you. Another 4 months of this bullshit is going to drive you insane.

^This.

Im not a phuqing social worker.

his friend in the Uk just blocked him on social media because -quote/ unquote.. (according to flat mate) he's an idiot! he can't take a joke!

What happened? he was sending him dm's at three four five in the morning (Uk time).
Why that time? To wake him up.
Why pics of dogs? Because its just turned the Chinese year of the dog and the guy used to own a dog..
why the subsequent block? The guy has no sense of humour apparently..

Don't have anything against him as a person but..

The guy left South Africa cos he couldn't get a job he says.
He left the UK because he couldn't hold down a job.
This was the fault of the UK in 2018.
He left his first teaching job here in SE Asia (before this one) because he was fired.
He is in denial about his hearing.
Work are cracking down hard on his teaching standards here and demanding a second hearing test which means that he is going off the rails complaining about it all to his only sounding board - me.

Social workers/ therapists get to clock off and go home.

Thank You for your thoughts/ advice/ encouragement gentlemen.

Dropped the big hammer last night, spoke to my manager and HR about it just before.

My manager says
"you know its funny, we had a working lunch the two of us the other day and I said I was going to the mall to buy clothes afterward.
He followed me to the taxi rank, got in the taxi with me saying he had to do some shopping as well, came into the mall with me, came into the shop, followed me around the underwear and socks section, got in the lift with me afterwards, in the end I had to say something."

Flatmate didn't understand my reasoning because in fairness I was as vague as possible.
He kept saying that I was fucking up his ongoing rental agreement (true)
trying to run through a list of people we knew that will take over my room seamlessly (delusional)
and when I vaguely alluded to my own confidential reasons for wanting to move -I've got a lot going on but I don't want to talk about it- he said "Yeah usually you're pretty good to talk to but this last week or so (when the stalking intensified) I noticed something was going on with you because you weren't being your normal self. I was going to say that blah blah flatshare relations blah blah not good if you act like that.."

Dealing with -his- flatshare / accommodation fallout post my-move is now 'our' joint project apparently..

Me doing the moonwalk out the door - "sure, I'm going out right now but let's catch up later (never).."

@Leonard asdfk et al -

That made me laugh. I'm sure you'll understand if I don't put the old "I'm as gay as Liberace at Christmas time" / "stalk the sh *t out of you" "annoy the shi t out of you" act to use at this particular time, rather put it in my armoury for future use, thanks for the advice though Smile
03-06-2018 08:55 PM
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