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Insecurities about hookup culture and gfs former hookups
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filio Offline
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Post: #1
Insecurities about hookup culture and gfs former hookups
Hey guys,

over the past few months I have identified a severe inner game issue of mine and seeing as I've gotten some really valuable feedback from this community in the past I'd like to describe it here and would appreciate any thoughts! I apologise for the long post, but I'd rather give a comprehensive overview of the situation.

I'm in my late twenties, my current girlfriend is also mid - late 20s, been together for two years, living in Europe. I will not get married and she knows that and honestly I cannot imagine having kids anytime soon, which may be an issue causing a break up in the future when she's nearing 30 and I don't want to impregnate her.

I eat healthy most of the time, I work out and am in very good shape, no alcohol, no caffeine, no cigarettes, masturbation no more than 1-2 times a month to porn, if even that, no more porn usage than that. I am physically healthy, had issues with alcohol and drug use in the past, clean and sober for 3.5 years now and the accompanying depression has also gotten much much better, no need for medication or cbt. I meditate daily and also do yoga several times a week.


I have noticed over the past that I somehow have a deep down issue with the hookup culture that is normal now in the western hemisphere. When I met my current gf we talked very openly about our sexual past (too openly, which was a mistake I later realised, but what is done is done).
Her notch count is around 15-20 (which I honestly consider a lot for a steady girlfriend of mine and she was just about mid twenties when we met) and mine is more or less the same.
We have a lot of sex, the sex is very good and even though she had a few partners before me she was still pretty inexperienced and has opened up a lot more sexually since then with me and regularly orgasmns now which didn't happen before.

Now before you ask why we're together, let me point out that she is head over heels in love with me and does everything for me and it really really shows. There's no contact to former lovers. I too am in love with her and the relationship is definitely worth having, with both partners looking out for each other.

Now every so often, maybe once a month I get this really strong bad feeling about her having fucked other dudes. A few nights ago I dreamed she hooked up with an aquaintance of mine (which she probably never did or doesn't even know!) and woke up in the middle of the night and coudn't get back to sleep. My head was racing, filled with thoughts and nasty images. Needless to say I'm really turned off with her in those moments.
A few months back the same thing happened when I found out by accident that a former ex of hers had a much bigger penis than mine (I'm slightly above average, so I shouldn't logically be having any issues with penis size, but somehow it freaked me out).
The whole night I couldn't sleep and the next day was ruined too.
Like I said these issues come up every few weeks and i feel bad the next day and then she's really sweet with me again and things return to normal.

I had similar issues with my last girlfriend. She was a virgin when I met her and I still got crazy jealous and had thoughts like those in my head, even though she literally didn't have anyone else inside her!

Another example:
Ever since I've gotten sober and have reflected more on my life and actions I sometimes get a bad feeling when I go out at night and see other people hooking up. Like why are they hooking up, look another slut just about to fuck another random dude etc. etc..
Instead of having fun and taking it easy and enjoying the night out with friends or alone gaming, my head sometimes (not all the time, most of the time I'm able to brush off these thoughts) gets caught up in all this bullshit.

I realise that the issue is mostly an insecurity with myself but I am at loss at how to properly act against it and make it go away.

Like I've written above I take care of my body and mind, I also try to read a lot, I've been red pill aware for maybe 6-8 years now.

But this inner game/confidence issue is definitely a big problem for me.
People wouldn't guess for a second that I'm having these problems. I appear to be very confident, self assured to other people and am good looking (i hear all of that regularly). I have some issues with my parents and childhood, had about half a year of cbt for it and it has helped a lot (overbearing mother, passive and angry father, both very intent on me performing in sports and school).

Jobwise I'm a surgical resident, so good money, social status etc..

Does anyone have any resources or ideas on how to combat the issue?
Do you think if my own notch count would get significantly higher and I had much more experience with girls that the issue would dissolve itself?

I'm grateful for any ideas and tips! Thanks!
07-11-2018 04:19 AM
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gringoed Offline
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Post: #2
RE: Insecurities about hookup culture and gfs former hookups
Hey dude, thanks for opening up and being vulnerable. As you pointed out, jealousy results from insecurity. But from what I'm gathering, you have no reason to be insecure. You're a very high-value man that's become very attached to this particular woman. Perhaps you fear deep down that if the relationship ends, you won't find someone else who loves you so much and takes care of you like she does. I've gone through this as well.

If you read other threads in the forum, you'll learn it's very good to be a man in his 30s and 40s. A man ages like a fine wine. Your value is only going to go up especially with your healthy habits and career.

Whenever I feel insecurity like you're feeling, I remind myself that I'm only getting better, and if I lose my current woman, that I'll just re-enter the dating market at a higher value than I've ever been and be able to get an even better relationship than the current one. There are plenty of fish in the sea!

The irony of overcoming these insecurities and realizing you're going to be fine if you lose her, is that this will make her desire you more. She will see very clearly how lucky she is to be with you, and she'll show it.

Everything is impermanent, attachments eventually lead to suffering.
07-11-2018 04:37 AM
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Post: #3
RE: Insecurities about hookup culture and gfs former hookups
(07-11-2018 04:19 AM)filio Wrote:  I have noticed over the past that I somehow have a deep down issue with the hookup culture that is normal now in the western hemisphere. When I met my current gf we talked very openly about our sexual past (too openly, which was a mistake I later realised, but what is done is done).
Her notch count is around 15-20 (which I honestly consider a lot for a steady girlfriend of mine and she was just about mid twenties when we met) and mine is more or less the same.
A few months back the same thing happened when I found out by accident that a former ex of hers had a much bigger penis than mine (I'm slightly above average, so I shouldn't logically be having any issues with penis size, but somehow it freaked me out).
I had similar issues with my last girlfriend. She was a virgin when I met her and I still got crazy jealous and had thoughts like those in my head, even though she literally didn't have anyone else inside her!

This is typically called retroactive jealousy. However, you do not have the standard variety.

I'm going to be straight up with you and say that part of your problem might be porn. For some reason western porn is obsessed with huge dicks... which if you think about it is gay. Virtually all porn represents male fantasies... and many men fantasize about having a larger penis... and if you really pay attention a lot of the porn revolves around women taking large penises in their ass with a very painful expression. I hate to say this, but a lot of guys simply get off on women experiencing pain and humiliation during sex. I promise you that most women do not like pain and humiliation... although a small portion do.

My point is that if you watch porn... even a little porn... it seeps into your brain and changes how you think subconsciously. So... my suggestion is to cut out the porn 100% and if you need to fap use your imagination. See if that makes a difference after a while.

How did you find out about your GF's ex being well endowed? Did she talk about it or did you read emails where she discusses it? I think that matters towards the issue.
07-11-2018 06:28 AM
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Eugenics Offline
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Post: #4
RE: Insecurities about hookup culture and gfs former hookups
Can't help you with the rest your post OP but like the poster above said - stop watching porn. It fucks with your brain. We weren't meant to see big dicked degenerates fucking hot little pieces of ass of any variety on a computer screen. It's not good.

I wouldn't wife up a girl with that high of a partner count especially if she admitted it and said a dude she banged had a bigger dick and heres why - women suck ass at measuring size. They are demonstrably awful at it. Next time you get a chance ask a girl to guess the length of anything - she'll be hilariously off. When a girl admits she banged a dude with a larger dick what she's actually saying is it felt better [unless she's been with a real horsecock type dude, probability for that is laughably low] and as we all know womens emotions are the key to making them enjoy sex - you do the math.

Try telling a girl you've had tighter. Watch them freak the fuck out, buy a kegal ball, start fights, use it against you and all manner of other insecure shit. They'll internalize it's not the tightness real quick.
(This post was last modified: 07-11-2018 06:52 AM by Eugenics.)
07-11-2018 06:47 AM
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filio Offline
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Post: #5
RE: Insecurities about hookup culture and gfs former hookups
Thanks guys for your quick replies!
The stuff you say gringoed makes a lot of sense, I'll try that the next time the thoughts arise. The problem is I know this stuff rationally but get overwhelmed emotionally sometimes and I want to be able to take a step back in those situations and remind myself of what I have and am and that as you said, it's going to get better with age.

Regarding the porn: You guys are definitely right! I've tried quitting porn several times but I always end up watching it again (although very rarely), but like you said the message to the brain is exactly that.

@EndsExpect: I don't recall the situation completely but it was something like this, and in retrospect it wasn't by accident at all like I wrote above:
My girl more or less regularly comments on my dick being big (and like I said it's above average but certainly not horsecock or what I would consider big) and depending on the position it's painful for her and we have to switch positions or I have to be more gentle and a few times I've actually hurt her but not on purpose and we had to stop...

The thing with the other dude went something like this:
She commented in bed about how we had to be more careful tonight because I was big and her pussy was still hurting from the last time (not during sex but either after or before can't remember to be honest) and I said something like come on I'm not that big, I'm sure with the amount of previous partners you've had, you've had bigger (what a stupid thing to say and I honestly don't know why I voluntarily brought up the subject).
Not wanting to lie she said do you really want to know, and I was like yeah, so she told me that one of her ex boyfriends (long distance relationship, didn't last very long, not a lot of sex) was pretty big and that it hurt her during sex and that if I was a couple of cm's longer I'd be too much for her too probably).

So it was actually me that in some perverted twisted way wanted to find out and pressed the issue, and it freaked me out for the rest of the night and days afterwards. Although she's believably showing me that she's very much into our sex and that it's the best for her...

As you can see there's definitely lots of insecurity and weird stuff going on in my head regarding this issue.
07-11-2018 07:57 AM
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musicalprodigy1 Offline
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Post: #6
RE: Insecurities about hookup culture and gfs former hookups
I think you're just maturing. Science makes it pretty clear that women evolved to make cuckolds of men to ensure survival with best seed and resources; men evolved to dominate women to ensure paternity through patriarchal systems.
Hook up culture is degenerate, always has been. See how any former player laments not being able to find the kind of women he ruined in his youth.
You are only beginning to realize human nature, which cannot be undone, only ignored or managed.

Stay grounded, keep learning, and don't fear growth.
07-11-2018 08:28 AM
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filio Offline
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Post: #7
RE: Insecurities about hookup culture and gfs former hookups
(07-11-2018 08:28 AM)musicalprodigy1 Wrote:  I think you're just maturing. Science makes it pretty clear that women evolved to make cuckolds of men to ensure survival with best seed and resources; men evolved to dominate women to ensure paternity through patriarchal systems.
Hook up culture is degenerate, always has been. See how any former player laments not being able to find the kind of women he ruined in his youth.
You are only beginning to realize human nature, which cannot be undone, only ignored or managed.

Stay grounded, keep learning, and don't fear growth.


Your probably right, hook up culture, at least in this extreme, is pretty degenerate.
Sometimes it's just that I'd like to be a part of it without any resentment and anxiety, especially since a lot of my other habits (no drinking, no smoking, healthy and mindful living, not being a part of social media, not blindly following consumerism) go against the grain of society and makes me isolate myself from a lot of people.
07-12-2018 05:46 AM
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jcardial Offline
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Post: #8
RE: Insecurities about hookup culture and gfs former hookups
(07-11-2018 04:19 AM)filio Wrote:  Hey guys,

over the past few months I have identified a severe inner game issue of mine and seeing as I've gotten some really valuable feedback from this community in the past I'd like to describe it here and would appreciate any thoughts! I apologise for the long post, but I'd rather give a comprehensive overview of the situation.

I'm in my late twenties, my current girlfriend is also mid - late 20s, been together for two years, living in Europe. I will not get married and she knows that and honestly I cannot imagine having kids anytime soon, which may be an issue causing a break up in the future when she's nearing 30 and I don't want to impregnate her.

I eat healthy most of the time, I work out and am in very good shape, no alcohol, no caffeine, no cigarettes, masturbation no more than 1-2 times a month to porn, if even that, no more porn usage than that. I am physically healthy, had issues with alcohol and drug use in the past, clean and sober for 3.5 years now and the accompanying depression has also gotten much much better, no need for medication or cbt. I meditate daily and also do yoga several times a week.


I have noticed over the past that I somehow have a deep down issue with the hookup culture that is normal now in the western hemisphere. When I met my current gf we talked very openly about our sexual past (too openly, which was a mistake I later realised, but what is done is done).
Her notch count is around 15-20 (which I honestly consider a lot for a steady girlfriend of mine and she was just about mid twenties when we met) and mine is more or less the same.
We have a lot of sex, the sex is very good and even though she had a few partners before me she was still pretty inexperienced and has opened up a lot more sexually since then with me and regularly orgasmns now which didn't happen before.

Now before you ask why we're together, let me point out that she is head over heels in love with me and does everything for me and it really really shows. There's no contact to former lovers. I too am in love with her and the relationship is definitely worth having, with both partners looking out for each other.

Now every so often, maybe once a month I get this really strong bad feeling about her having fucked other dudes. A few nights ago I dreamed she hooked up with an aquaintance of mine (which she probably never did or doesn't even know!) and woke up in the middle of the night and coudn't get back to sleep. My head was racing, filled with thoughts and nasty images. Needless to say I'm really turned off with her in those moments.
A few months back the same thing happened when I found out by accident that a former ex of hers had a much bigger penis than mine (I'm slightly above average, so I shouldn't logically be having any issues with penis size, but somehow it freaked me out).
The whole night I couldn't sleep and the next day was ruined too.
Like I said these issues come up every few weeks and i feel bad the next day and then she's really sweet with me again and things return to normal.

I had similar issues with my last girlfriend. She was a virgin when I met her and I still got crazy jealous and had thoughts like those in my head, even though she literally didn't have anyone else inside her!

Another example:
Ever since I've gotten sober and have reflected more on my life and actions I sometimes get a bad feeling when I go out at night and see other people hooking up. Like why are they hooking up, look another slut just about to fuck another random dude etc. etc..
Instead of having fun and taking it easy and enjoying the night out with friends or alone gaming, my head sometimes (not all the time, most of the time I'm able to brush off these thoughts) gets caught up in all this bullshit.

I realise that the issue is mostly an insecurity with myself but I am at loss at how to properly act against it and make it go away.

Like I've written above I take care of my body and mind, I also try to read a lot, I've been red pill aware for maybe 6-8 years now.

But this inner game/confidence issue is definitely a big problem for me.
People wouldn't guess for a second that I'm having these problems. I appear to be very confident, self assured to other people and am good looking (i hear all of that regularly). I have some issues with my parents and childhood, had about half a year of cbt for it and it has helped a lot (overbearing mother, passive and angry father, both very intent on me performing in sports and school).

Jobwise I'm a surgical resident, so good money, social status etc..

Does anyone have any resources or ideas on how to combat the issue?
Do you think if my own notch count would get significantly higher and I had much more experience with girls that the issue would dissolve itself?

I'm grateful for any ideas and tips! Thanks!

It's not going to help the issue much if your notch count is higher. Our minds naturally devalue things the easier they are to attain. It's only natural that you question her value with information about her moderate levels of easiness.

Not all notches are created equal. There's a difference between all of those notches being mini relationships or valiant attempts at them versus a lot of them being drunken one night stands. Having a few really long relationships followed by a recent slut rampage would also be non-ideal. Unfortunately, 15-20 is high enough where there was clearly some casual stuff going on with some regularity, especially since she's probably leaving some out at that range. She probably is not counting the times she "just sucked a d." Then again she's old enough where those numbers aren't totally insane if she was getting dumped a lot or moving around or some other extenuating circumstance.

People are capable of having fun and then becoming choosier about who they want to settle down with. It doesn't sound like her ability to bond has been broken or anything. If you don't want to settle down long term you're just dealing with something we all deal with in relationships (an unattractive quality in our partner). Only you can decide if it bothers you so much that it outweighs her positive qualities. Since you don't plan on having kids or getting married I don't see it as nearly the deal breaker it could be.
07-12-2018 11:53 AM
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questor70 Offline
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Post: #9
RE: Insecurities about hookup culture and gfs former hookups
"she is head over heels in love with me and does everything for me and it really really shows."

That alone used to be enough for me to highly value a woman, but it's actually not anymore. The reason is that women fall out of love just as easily as they fall in it. So I can't let the fact a woman is currently in love with me make me feel that special. As they say, "it's just your turn."

What tends to be missing in these assessments of women is anything else they bring to the table. Do you share common interests beyond sex? Does she ever say anything funny, quirky, profound? You know, stuff that would make her a good friend, not just arm candy. That's the kind of stuff I tend to miss the most when it's over. The sex can be more easily replaced.
(This post was last modified: 07-12-2018 01:33 PM by questor70.)
07-12-2018 01:32 PM
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filio Offline
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Post: #10
RE: Insecurities about hookup culture and gfs former hookups
Thanks jcardial for your honest and differentiated response!

I also realised, what questor70 pointed out, that the higher the number of partners in a women the more often she was "totally in love" and then onto the next guy. In this case with my current gf her friends, family and herself have somewhat proven that she's honestly never been in love like this before, but anyway, I believe her feelings are genuine, I know they can change, and I want to stay prepared as a man when that happens and be able to move on anyhow... She brings a lot of good qualities to the table that's why I am happy with her for the moment and want to keep her around. I'm going to see the hookup stuff like jcardial said, as a negative/ unattractive quality in her and that's it.

Still it's surprising for me that I have such a big problem with the whole hooking up stuff, especially since she isn't even my wife or mother of my children, but of course if strong emotions are involved I'm finding it harder to be completely rational, but I'm probably not the only one..

Thanks again guys for your input
07-13-2018 09:33 AM
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RatInTheWoods Offline
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Post: #11
RE: Insecurities about hookup culture and gfs former hookups
Nothing good can come from talking about how many, what size and how big the load she swallowed with all those dudes before you.

Talk about other things, never go there.
07-13-2018 09:35 PM
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Fortis Away
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Post: #12
RE: Insecurities about hookup culture and gfs former hookups
I wouldn't ask too much about girl's past experience. Honestly, I find that many sloots feel guilt and will often tell you about their experiences if they feel like you're not too judgmental. I can't tell you how many ONS have been sitting on my bed post-bang and started telling me about ridiculous shit they've done with other guys.

I usually just listen and try not to smirk since she's giving me free insights into the female mind.

Let us try to maintain a higher standard of life than that of the multitude, but not a contrary standard; otherwise, we shall frighten away and repel the very persons whom we are trying to improve.

-Seneca.
07-13-2018 09:43 PM
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ballsyamog Offline
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Post: #13
RE: Insecurities about hookup culture and gfs former hookups
^this... I’ve had girls tell me how they fucked their bfs best friend after they finished swallowing my load. It’s fucked. I would avoid the conversation, and if she brings it up change the subject
07-14-2018 02:05 AM
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Graft Offline
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Post: #14
RE: Insecurities about hookup culture and gfs former hookups
Your "insecurities" and "sever inner game issues" are nature working at it's best.

Man was never intended to be comfortable with a woman who has been with 15-20 partners.

She has poor pair-bonding capability, and a high risk of cuckoldry.

I've been there before bro, it didn't end well.

Don't follow the herd and label your gut feeling as weakness. Respect what God is telling you, this girl is poor quality. She is "in love" with you because she sees you as the best option, not because her hormones tell her too. Her oxytocin has been fucked out of her, a long time ago.

I can't believe this forum is apologizing for her past; respect your gut feeling, detach and use her, replace her with a lower n-count.
07-14-2018 02:11 AM
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