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Losing Friends To Their Girlfriends/Wives
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SlutMaker Offline
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Post: #26
RE: Losing Friends To Their Girlfriends/Wives
(01-20-2019 01:30 PM)monsquid Wrote:  In my early 30s, all my friends who have SO have disappeared off the face of the earth. Few friends that I have helped out significantly at the drop of a hat have failed to respond to queries for advice or respond way too late.

For example I was evaluating job offers and needed my friend's perspective. He has experience in that sector but he didn't respond at all. I emailed and txted, so there was no way he "wouldn't have seen it." Few months later he asks me how the job offer went, and I'm speechless. I wanted to confront him but just let it pass. Then he asks me to help review his grad school application essays. I said I would take a look but he keeps texting me everyday demanding the status. I gave him a half ass response. It's not a one way street.

I was in a similar situation.

You're nice about it. I just ignored his messages. The last time I saw him he didn't mention it because he did the same with me prior.

Don't get mad over it but don't bend.
01-21-2019 02:26 PM
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BostonBMW Offline
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Post: #27
RE: Losing Friends To Their Girlfriends/Wives
I say drop him and any other friends like that. Ignore his messages, calls. People who do not respect your time/effort do not deserve the respect no matter how long you have known them, how fondly you look back at the shared experiences.

While I can understand that your new relationship/wife will take up a good amount of your, putting your friends on ignore or reaching out to them for selfish reasons gets really old, quickly.

I still have my core crew, who manage to come out and meet up despite marriages, relationships, school, work and children. Which is why I no longer rely on these low value former friends.
01-21-2019 04:12 PM
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Post: #28
RE: Losing Friends To Their Girlfriends/Wives
(01-21-2019 07:43 AM)Ski pro Wrote:  I’ve come to accept this as part of life. Sometimes those buddies come back, sometimes they don’t.

I had one who recently reconnected after 7 years, he realized he’d lost all of his friends. We just picked up where we left off.

That's what I'm hoping for as well, but there's no denying that a small vindictive part of me would not be waiting with open arms. If my friend reconnects in 7 years he's going to have to do a lot to build up my trust and get rapport back to previous levels.
01-21-2019 06:43 PM
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Subtext Offline
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Post: #29
RE: Losing Friends To Their Girlfriends/Wives
(01-21-2019 05:59 AM)nomadbrah Wrote:  
(01-20-2019 07:45 PM)Subtext Wrote:  You can't make yourself better if you're surrounded by people who aren't interested in a similar journey.

"Similar journey", "make yourself better".

Let's see what kind of journey you will be on, when you're divorce raped, develop an opioid addiction after surgery, get a psychotic episode after military service or come down with cancer.

I'm sure at that point, you'll just quietly slip into the shadows as to not hold back your friends from their journey of bettering themselves.

Here's the truth, you're one unforeseen event away from your life turning to shit. People are not just losers who "don't get it" or "won't work hard enough". By and large, people make the best with the cards they were dealt. If you want to think you're special and belonging to a special group of high achieving "take charge" people then go ahead. Pride comes before the fall.

But if that hand has junk cards, you turn them in and get new ones. So, if someone drops someone else, don't automatically assume it's simply because they're assholes. Maybe the guy who got dropped is a pathetic sack, with a history of self-defeating behavior, and the friend is sick of putting energy into trying to help with absolutely zero response. Which is why I asked what you meant. It was clear you had a certain situation in mind, but the circumstances were unclear. Which is why I asked what you meant.

How the individual responds to the shit life throws at him is up to the individual. No one else. Friends might make it a tad bit easier, but it's downright childish to think that friends bear some mystical responsibility to go down with a ship that isn't theirs.

There are three ways to do things: The Right Way, the Wrong Way, and the Army Way

"The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every sense of womanly feeling and propriety." --- Queen Victoria
01-21-2019 09:14 PM
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nomadbrah Offline
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Post: #30
RE: Losing Friends To Their Girlfriends/Wives
(01-21-2019 09:14 PM)Subtext Wrote:  
(01-21-2019 05:59 AM)nomadbrah Wrote:  
(01-20-2019 07:45 PM)Subtext Wrote:  You can't make yourself better if you're surrounded by people who aren't interested in a similar journey.

"Similar journey", "make yourself better".

Let's see what kind of journey you will be on, when you're divorce raped, develop an opioid addiction after surgery, get a psychotic episode after military service or come down with cancer.

I'm sure at that point, you'll just quietly slip into the shadows as to not hold back your friends from their journey of bettering themselves.

Here's the truth, you're one unforeseen event away from your life turning to shit. People are not just losers who "don't get it" or "won't work hard enough". By and large, people make the best with the cards they were dealt. If you want to think you're special and belonging to a special group of high achieving "take charge" people then go ahead. Pride comes before the fall.

But if that hand has junk cards, you turn them in and get new ones. So, if someone drops someone else, don't automatically assume it's simply because they're assholes. Maybe the guy who got dropped is a pathetic sack, with a history of self-defeating behavior, and the friend is sick of putting energy into trying to help with absolutely zero response. Which is why I asked what you meant. It was clear you had a certain situation in mind, but the circumstances were unclear. Which is why I asked what you meant.

How the individual responds to the shit life throws at him is up to the individual. No one else. Friends might make it a tad bit easier, but it's downright childish to think that friends bear some mystical responsibility to go down with a ship that isn't theirs.

Ok, let me get very specific here.

One dude develops some kind of mental illness in his late 20s. Gets dropped like a sack of potatoes after having been not only integral part of the friend group, but someone who put invited people to his family vacation house every summer. Gone. No one contacts him or tries to help. Out of sight, out of mind. That's outright disgusting behavior if you ask me.
01-23-2019 03:03 PM
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Subtext Offline
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Post: #31
RE: Losing Friends To Their Girlfriends/Wives
(01-23-2019 03:03 PM)nomadbrah Wrote:  
(01-21-2019 09:14 PM)Subtext Wrote:  
(01-21-2019 05:59 AM)nomadbrah Wrote:  
(01-20-2019 07:45 PM)Subtext Wrote:  You can't make yourself better if you're surrounded by people who aren't interested in a similar journey.

"Similar journey", "make yourself better".

Let's see what kind of journey you will be on, when you're divorce raped, develop an opioid addiction after surgery, get a psychotic episode after military service or come down with cancer.

I'm sure at that point, you'll just quietly slip into the shadows as to not hold back your friends from their journey of bettering themselves.

Here's the truth, you're one unforeseen event away from your life turning to shit. People are not just losers who "don't get it" or "won't work hard enough". By and large, people make the best with the cards they were dealt. If you want to think you're special and belonging to a special group of high achieving "take charge" people then go ahead. Pride comes before the fall.

But if that hand has junk cards, you turn them in and get new ones. So, if someone drops someone else, don't automatically assume it's simply because they're assholes. Maybe the guy who got dropped is a pathetic sack, with a history of self-defeating behavior, and the friend is sick of putting energy into trying to help with absolutely zero response. Which is why I asked what you meant. It was clear you had a certain situation in mind, but the circumstances were unclear. Which is why I asked what you meant.

How the individual responds to the shit life throws at him is up to the individual. No one else. Friends might make it a tad bit easier, but it's downright childish to think that friends bear some mystical responsibility to go down with a ship that isn't theirs.

Ok, let me get very specific here.

One dude develops some kind of mental illness in his late 20s. Gets dropped like a sack of potatoes after having been not only integral part of the friend group, but someone who put invited people to his family vacation house every summer. Gone. No one contacts him or tries to help. Out of sight, out of mind. That's outright disgusting behavior if you ask me.

And we agree. That's why I asked for some context. What I said doesn't apply to what you talk about here.

There are three ways to do things: The Right Way, the Wrong Way, and the Army Way

"The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every sense of womanly feeling and propriety." --- Queen Victoria
01-23-2019 06:42 PM
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Graft Offline
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Post: #32
RE: Losing Friends To Their Girlfriends/Wives
You have to become comfortable with losing friends and being lonely once in a while. Nothing lasts forever. Just appreciate the time you spent with them and mentally compartmentalize them into "the past."

Focus on self improving so much that "the past" is a period you'd rather not remember, because you are so much more balanced and successful right now.

I've had a few experiences like Nomadbrah is referring to and while it was hard the first couple of times, as I got older I was able to just accept that the friendships had come to their conclusion and it was time for us to go our separate ways.
01-24-2019 01:58 AM
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