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Best way to deal with approach anxiety?
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Commando Legend Offline
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Post: #1
Best way to deal with approach anxiety?
What is the best way to deal with severe approach anxiety as a noob? I feel like I have the most anxiety in this forum because I fear rejection, what people think of me, and my low confidence. I want to beat my anxiety first and this is my number one goal right now. My friends can approach and want to game with them but my anxiety is the number 1 killer for me. Even if I approach I freeze and don’t know what to say. I can’t even smile or make eye contact walking by people
(This post was last modified: 04-12-2019 10:49 AM by Commando Legend.)
04-12-2019 10:47 AM
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Nick98 Offline
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Post: #2
RE: Best way to deal with approach anxiety?
To not think it and Do it.
To be in a social mode from the time you close the door of your room.
To think of a word and have it repeated in your brain before approach Like BANANA . YOGURT,Godzilla when you are about to approach.
To have a Test you should do from before approaching that makes you excited to do the approach.Like: Today I'm going to test out this opener and see how the girl responds. The opener is for example: Hey ,I want your opinion on something.What do you think about my shoes?
If the girl rejected you, Leave with a smile and say to yourself "I suck"with a big grin.(think at it from a 3rd person view , and see the funny side of the interaction, you talk to a a girl and she has those expression of being weird out by the opener and you spitting the shit you read somewhere else.I'm sure you'll see the funny side) allow the rejection to happen and allow yourself to laugh at it.
To Make eye contact. The approach = Eye Contact+Verbal. And stop the girl from the front , not the side or from the back. OWN the approach, don't keep maneuvering around the girl. She will sense this and will know you are afraid to talk to her, and when you do your approach she will reject you right off the bat.
Make sure to maintain eye contact , or you loose the set. If she feels you're not engaged with her , and you're already a stranger. Then you haven't developed a comfortable situation for you both to keep talking.
Go One day out of your house of the plan to ONLY GET REJECTED.Approach the girl with some canned openers and when you're in a conversation. tell her stuff that's not exciting about you. "I live in my mother's basement, I like to spend most of my time playing Call of duty on the ps vita, I still love watching the simpsons and these cartoons they're so funny" And keep being passionate about those little kids's things untill she rejects you and walk away. Look from the 3rd person preview again in your brain about this interaction. 1st you'll laugh it off . 2nd you'll realize rejection is not a big deal. FUN Exercise that'll help you long term for your approaches , now when you get rejected you'll remember that day that you got rejected 10 times because you intended to do it , and it wasn't a big deal.+BOOSTS your game.
Finally, Realize that if you opened a girl , and she didn't respond or walked away from the interaction , She wasn't rejected YOU, But she rejected your APPROACH. So maybe you need to try the same approach for 3 or 4 more girls , if it doesn't work. Change YOUR APPROACH. And experience with different one , and different sample. and See how it goes for you.
(This post was last modified: 04-12-2019 11:17 AM by Nick98.)
04-12-2019 11:14 AM
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Nick98 Offline
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Post: #3
RE: Best way to deal with approach anxiety?
To not think it and Do it.
To be in a social mode from the time you close the door of your room.
To think of a word and have it repeated in your brain before approach Like BANANA . YOGURT,Godzilla when you are about to approach.
To have a Test you should do from before approaching that makes you excited to do the approach.Like: Today I'm going to test out this opener and see how the girl responds. The opener is for example: Hey ,I want your opinion on something.What do you think about my shoes?
If the girl rejected you, Leave with a smile and say to yourself "I suck"with a big grin.(think at it from a 3rd person view , and see the funny side of the interaction, you talk to a a girl and she has those expression of being weird out by the opener and you spitting the shit you read somewhere else.I'm sure you'll see the funny side) allow the rejection to happen and allow yourself to laugh at it.
To Make eye contact. The approach = Eye Contact+Verbal. And stop the girl from the front , not the side or from the back. OWN the approach, don't keep maneuvering around the girl. She will sense this and will know you are afraid to talk to her, and when you do your approach she will reject you right off the bat.
Make sure to maintain eye contact , or you loose the set. If she feels you're not engaged with her , and you're already a stranger. Then you haven't developed a comfortable situation for you both to keep talking.
Go One day out of your house of the plan to ONLY GET REJECTED.Approach the girl with some canned openers and when you're in a conversation. tell her stuff that's not exciting about you. "I live in my mother's basement, I like to spend most of my time playing Call of duty on the ps vita, I still love watching the simpsons and these cartoons they're so funny" And keep being passionate about those little kids's things untill she rejects you and walk away. Look from the 3rd person preview again in your brain about this interaction. 1st you'll laugh it off . 2nd you'll realize rejection is not a big deal. FUN Exercise that'll help you long term for your approaches , now when you get rejected you'll remember that day that you got rejected 10 times because you intended to do it , and it wasn't a big deal.+BOOSTS your game.
Finally, Realize that if you opened a girl , and she didn't respond or walked away from the interaction , She wasn't rejecting YOU, But she was rejecting your APPROACH. So maybe you need to try the same approach for 3 or 4 more girls , if it doesn't work. Change YOUR APPROACH. And experience with different one , and different sample. and See how it goes for you.
(This post was last modified: 04-12-2019 11:19 AM by Nick98.)
04-12-2019 11:18 AM
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cruzinV Offline
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Post: #4
RE: Best way to deal with approach anxiety?
When you have AA that severe, which i do, the only way to overcome it using drugs and alcohol.
04-12-2019 02:12 PM
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Rorogue Offline
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Post: #5
RE: Best way to deal with approach anxiety?
Start hitting on women where it isn't an approach- ie women serving you at a shop or cafe. Doesn't need to be full on, just a compliment that signifies your interest. I told a girl at subway the other day she had a nice smile. Gave me a buzz.

Also can start with an indirect approach then about a minute into the convo say something more direct.

I asked a woman for directions last week then after a couple minutes asked about her tattoo.

Critical Counterintuitive
04-13-2019 01:20 AM
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TheMaleBrain Offline
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Post: #6
RE: Best way to deal with approach anxiety?
(04-12-2019 10:47 AM)Commando Legend Wrote:  What is the best way to deal with severe approach anxiety as a noob? I feel like I have the most anxiety in this forum because I fear rejection, what people think of me, and my low confidence. I want to beat my anxiety first and this is my number one goal right now. My friends can approach and want to game with them but my anxiety is the number 1 killer for me. Even if I approach I freeze and don’t know what to say. I can’t even smile or make eye contact walking by people

Dude
Come on. How do you measure that?
I am not familiar with any scale in which one can measure anxiety and say "I have more AA than you".
So first - Let's agree that you may have severe AA, but let's not hype it.

As per your AA
One of the best ways to overcome fear is to expose yourself to it in small dosages.
I second @Rorogue's suggestions.
You are probably in an introvert. So you need to practice just talking to people.
Set a goal of saying "Hi" to 5 new people a day (for example). Do it for 2-3 days and then open them for a brief conversation (i.e. using the "elderly opener").
Don't number close anyone (yet).
After doing that for a few days move to a goal of having at least 5 minutes conversation.

By doing this your anxiety will be reduced.

Another option is to ask yourself: "What's the worst that can happen?"
I did that with one of my friends (who is not into game). He started making BS excuses, and I showed him how they are all wrong. This is a guy with actual anxiety who is treated medically. That elevated it.

"I love a fulfilling and sexual relationship. That is why I make the effort to have many of those" - TheMaleBrain
"Now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb." - Spaceballs
"If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine" - Obi-Wan Kenobi
04-13-2019 08:32 PM
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VNvet Offline
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Post: #7
RE: Best way to deal with approach anxiety?
(04-12-2019 10:47 AM)Commando Legend Wrote:  What is the best way to deal with severe approach anxiety as a noob? I feel like I have the most anxiety in this forum because I fear rejection, what people think of me, and my low confidence. I want to beat my anxiety first and this is my number one goal right now. My friends can approach and want to game with them but my anxiety is the number 1 killer for me. Even if I approach I freeze and don’t know what to say. I can’t even smile or make eye contact walking by people

I had bad AA. Still do to an extent.

Going out with an experienced guy that approached everyone during the day got me over the hump. We got blown out a bunch, but I stopped caring after the third one.

Talking to random people helps a lot too. I'll make random comments to men, women, old ladies, kids, and whoever while going about my day.

Here's an example.

I'm waiting in line at the grocery store and see a middle aged lady with a bunch of vegetables in her cart:

*point at food*
"Vegan or vegetarian?"

Just stuff like that. No flirting or anything. Just pointing stuff out. Doesn't matter if you stutter or freeze because it's just a random comment to some old lady. The approach is the hardest part for 99% of guys.
(This post was last modified: 04-15-2019 01:11 AM by VNvet.)
04-15-2019 01:09 AM
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VNvet Offline
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Post: #8
RE: Best way to deal with approach anxiety?
Complimenting people is another good way to get over approach anxiety. Compliment people (men, mostly) on their clothing as you're walking past them.

Everyone likes to get a compliment, which means you won't get any negative reactions. I like to compliment men on their watch, shoes, or tie (if they're nice) and keep walking.

Trust me, guys that have nice clothes appreciate a random compliment. Especially if you are well dressed and not hitting on them or asking for money.
(This post was last modified: 04-15-2019 01:20 AM by VNvet.)
04-15-2019 01:19 AM
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SW15 Offline
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Post: #9
RE: Best way to deal with approach anxiety?
Anti anxiety meds?
04-21-2019 10:47 AM
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Sherman Offline
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Post: #10
RE: Best way to deal with approach anxiety?
Here is my take on this.

Approach anxiety is fear. But fear of what? It is purely psychological. You are afraid that somebody will judge you negatively, and as a consequence you will feel less about yourself. Since you can't directly know the thoughts of someone else, it is all in your head: both the "bad opinion" you think she has of you, as well as the conclusion that you must now feel bad about yourself. It's a mind game.

Here is one approach to defeat the mind game.

Step 1. Make your nonverbal and verbal behavior blameless in your own eyes.

Especially, you should be aware of the power of non verbal behavior in a new encounter. When you approach a woman, she makes a quick judgment on whether you are a threat or not based on her cognitive biases. For example, she may see you staring at her for just a second in the comer of her eye. This is all it takes to classify you as a threat. This is part of the fast reacting System I part of the brain that forms quick judgments using heuristic rules and cognitive biases.

I recommend reading the following book written by a Nobel Prize winner explaining how System I and System II works.

https://www.amazon.com/Thinking-Fast-Slo...ay&sr=8-12

STEP 2. Conditioning your mind

Condition yourself to adopt the following belief: " You can only control your behavior, but can't control how people react to you". Thus, if you are rejected, there is nothing to feel bad about. You didn't do anything wrong. However, you can review your behavior to see if there is anything you can make better. If there is some confrontation, just walk away. You have no obligation to react to other people. Concentrate on your own dignity.

Rico... Sauve....
04-21-2019 01:24 PM
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Henry Chinaski
Henry Chinaski Offline
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Post: #11
RE: Best way to deal with approach anxiety?
The only way to get over AA is to go out, approach, get rejected, approach again etc.

But first you must realise that your AA can only be managed, never eliminated. I have read famous musicians talk about how they still get nervous going on stage, even though they may have been performing for decades. If you didn't get anxious approaching women then there would be no rush, no exhilaration.

Here are a few simple steps you can follow to get a handle on this:

1. Fundamentals. Learn how to project confident body language, eye contact etc. Dress well and be in shape.

2. Make small talk with waitresses, bar staff etc. Just sit at a bar (do this in day time when it's quite) and just make some small talk with the girl serving. Just make a comment on the weather or how busy it is on town. You're not trying to score here, you're just getting comfortable talking to a stranger.

3. Pick a bar and head there at night. Make it your goal to speak to one woman, just one. My openers are basic beyond belief. 'Hey, how's your night going?' or if she's foreign I'll say 'where are you from?'. That's it. No negs, no cocky humour, no clever lines. You need a steamroller approach to make this work. If she says 'my night just started, I just finished work' you immediately follow up with 'where do you work?' and after that you ask her if she likes it. Hopefully then she'll ask about your job and then you know you've got at least some chance. If it's just you asking question after question then forget it. The easiest places to get talking are at the bar and the smoking area. Alcohol is a great help but don't over do it.

That's it. There's no magic bullet that I'm aware of. I've approached plenty of women and only had one bad rejection where the girl acted like a bitch. So many good things have happened to me because I had the balls to approach a woman and say hello, even though every fibre of my being was saying 'don't do this'. Good luck.
(This post was last modified: 04-21-2019 01:36 PM by Henry Chinaski.)
04-21-2019 01:31 PM
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