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Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
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matt1996 Offline
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Post: #1
Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
I moved out to a big city an hour away from my parents, to study for college. I used to visit my hometown once a week and had a hard time having to listen to my dad crack insults and shitty jokes left and right, got fed up. Making fun of me, telling me indirectly im not good enough, never satisfied with my accomplishments. Eventually, started visiting less and less and ended up visiting only once a month, and till this day today, i haven't visited for 5 months.

They say men who grow up without father roles become blue pill and weak men, but i feel like because i haven't actually had a dad i could talk to and a dad teach me about life, i became tough and found my own purpose, started educating myself, becoming independent. Built a strong character, even stronger than my dad ever was.

He didn't know better, his dad was also not really there for him and he was very strict. I don't know if he ever loved his dad or it was pure respect, but his dad died early and he had to rely on himself to take care of his younger sisters and brothers. Personally, i've never "loved" my dad, but i've always respected him. I can't quite figure out if it's because i was afraid of him or what it was. Because the respect was forced. In my 23 years i've not once in my life sat down and talked with my dad about life, just the 2 of us. Our egos always conflicted on each other and we never really had the "talks" most guys have. Never built a connection with my dad the way i wanted to.

Everyone else had strong father figures and loved spending time with their dads. Mine never supported me in the hobbies i took upon. I remember i used to envy my friends whose father would go to football games with them and support them, he would give a fuck about their hobbies and spend time talking to them about their interests. Mine was different. He only cared about 2 things. His son getting a good education and his son projecting a good and respectable image for other parents in our social circle.

My dad is from a traditional family, and he grew up in another culture than me. A religious household. He never taught me about women. He has only been with one woman throughout his whole life, my mother. He's in his 50s now and im afraid im wasting the only chance i have to get to know him better before he passes away.

My sister always was the one getting the good grades, the daughter my dad was proud of. She was an angel in his eyes and he gave her everything. She grew up with literally no problems till this day today. No challenges, no hardships, her life was a blue pill fantasy. She will graduate and be a doctor in 2020. Compared to her, I was the black sheep. "Why aren't you more like your sister?" this would echo in my head sleepless nights where i wanted to flee my home every single day. I wanted to move out since i was 15 years old. I didn't know any better, but i knew i hated my dad and the way he was bringing me up.

Now that im more mature i do understand some of the things he did and why he did them, i can see the direction he wanted his children to be. Disciplined, educated and respectable. But he forgot one very important aspect. Love. Maybe he never knew how to express it since his dad never showed him it. His dad was a very stoic and well-respected man in the area. Very professional and some would describe emotionless.

My dad used to beat the shit out of me nearly every day. I was a troubled kid at home and i was pissing myself just hearing the words from the principal office "we're gonna call your dad up here". I knew what was waiting for me at home. A hell of a beating and sometimes with the belt.

My mom, on the other hand, did EVERYTHING to help me. Always comforted me when i was sad, crying, depressed. She showered me with love. She would go behind my dads back and slide me some money whenever i needed it. I love my mother. Such a beautiful, feminine and caring woman. She goes out of her own way to please everybody. Even if that means she will get the blame for things. She would take the hit for me when my dad went crazy. "You're spoiling him, he's becoming a complete failure and having shitty grades and you're comforting him saying its ok its alright, is that how you're gonna treat him?"

I've cut contact to my dad since i've visited the last time 5 months ago. My mom calls me once or twice a week to "hear my voice" while she begs for me to come home and visit sometime and im always saying no sorry, maybe later, making up shitty excuses. I can sense now my parents are afraid they've lost their only son. I get it's normal for parents to worry when their kid leaves the nest and moves out by himself, becomes a responsible adult and starts his own life. But this is more than that. My mom texts me from time to time. "I am sorry if we were horrible parents and didn't treat you well growing up" and "I love you, always remember that" text messages. It's like a sharp object to my heart, but i've grown cold so it's hard for me to do anything about it.

My relationship to my sister is non-existent. I used to ask her for help with homework but that's about it. We've literally spoken 10 minutes in total for the past 3 years. She always asks my mother how im doing and wish i'd talk to her, but im not mad at her. I just grew up envying her and being upset she had everything going on for her and i didn't. She's truly a good person and im a piece of shit brother and son for being the way i am. When i needed a loan and the bank couldn't give it to me since i was a broke-ass student, my mother asked my sister for the 2000$ loan i needed for moving out. She literally didn't ask what it was for, she instantly said "sure, i will transfer the money tomorrow".

I want to get rid of all the built up hate and ego inside of me. Any tips on what i should work on to fix my relationship with my dad and sister? I think it's time to forgive and become a better person. I've been a piece of shit for too long without realizing how much im hurting people i don't want to hurt. I've never spoken to anyone in my life about this issue.
04-24-2019 02:11 PM
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spydersuit Offline
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Post: #2
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
I can relate 100% my father was a shithead just like yours. My mother was an enabler of his shitty behaviors. I wrote them both off as they are terrible fucking people. Father was blue pill, lazy, addict, and very bright. Mother was a smoking hot THOT in her day without any social skills. Skated by on her looks alone. She was a master manipulator of people and men.

You don’t need any of these people in your life to be successful. If anything, parents that treat their children like shit make them red pill. As an N of 1, I had to start working for everything in my life at a young age. Consequently, I joined the military, became highly educated, and became successful as a result. There are many other rich and famous men that blew off their families and parents.

Bonus- You will have nobody in your life to stop you from succeeding or wasting your time. You can dedicate massive amounts of time to self improvement. High risk business activities will have fewer consequences if you fail. But guess what? You will not fail because you already made one of the hardest high risk decisions in your life- cutting out the cancer which is your parents.

Break the cycle and start your own loving red pill family.

If you insist on healing things over with your family, and it is really your fault, then man up and apologize for being a fucking douchebag. It will take their time to adjust to the new you. Don’t expect them to change overnight. In my experience, they will continue to see the old you for a long period of time. If they do not change their behavior towards you, after you have made a concerted effort to correct your past douche baggy self, then you will have to distance yourself.

Are you taking care of yourself?

Are you financially independent?

Are you educating yourself?

Are you working?

Are you positively contributing to society?

If the answer is no to any of these questions, then you need to correct your behavior before seeking forgiveness. If you were my kid, and you were a shit head, I would give you a hard time too. You need to think carefully about how you can start bettering yourself and contributing to the world, if you have not already done so.
(This post was last modified: 04-24-2019 02:45 PM by spydersuit.)
04-24-2019 02:35 PM
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GT777733 Offline
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Post: #3
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
Your mother and sister sound like terrific people. People like that are incredibly rare to find as you get older. (friendly side note: if you can't reflect and see how amazing and generous it was of your sister to loan you $2000 like that - you need to experience more hardship in life or very quickly change your perspective on it)

All you have to do with both of them is tell them what you've told us - tell them now that you are older, you understand how your behavior was wrong, you took for granted how amazing they were towards you, you're extremely sorry, and that you love them and would love to have a relationship with them going forward if they want to as well. That's it. Then, make sure you are actually putting in the effort and following through every 2 to 4 weeks to send them a message or give them a call and ask how they are, what they've been up to, tell them you love them and actually be a good person towards them.

Your dad - that's a bit different. I can understand having disagreements and verbal fights between father and son when you're younger, but him physically beating you - that's a no no in my opinion. If you really want to have a relationship with him in the future - you have to be able to sit down and apologise to each other, accept the past, accept the life each of you has chosen to live and go from there - but, I get the feeling your dad is set in his ways and has too much of an old school view of the world, and it's possible he is suffering from trauma and bitterness from the way his parents treated him.

In summary:
Mother and Sister - very easy ... just call them both and let them know the above.
Your Dad - there's a small chance you guys might be able to reconnect, but it's going to take him changing his perspective and past ways which could be difficult. Be open and extend a hand to him first, but also be realistic and realise he might be too different to you to make something work.

If you can't mend your relationship with your Dad, don't feel bad about it. Just try to be the best person you can be to the people who you do know, and the people that come into your life in the future. You can't change the past.

Another thing for the future is - you're allowed to pursue whatever path you want to in life, but do try to hold yourself accountable for being an adult as much as you can. Being a strong self reliant man in the future is the best gift you can give to your family if they ever need help from you down the road.

Wishing you the best of luck with it all
(This post was last modified: 04-24-2019 02:41 PM by GT777733.)
04-24-2019 02:41 PM
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Trumpian Offline
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Post: #4
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
I havent spoken to either of my parents in over a year.

While sometimes I 2nd guess the decision, I know it was the right move. Both are negative, abusive, hyper-emotional, hyper-religious fruitcakes who have squandered their talents & time and would have been a ball and chain around my neck had I maintained contact.

Everybody wants to have a dad. So if you're in a position where you havent talked to yours in months or years, its generally for good reason.

The reality is fate often determines that the most kindred spirits in your life are not your blood relations. It's a cold, bitter pill to swallow. And it short circuits a lot of internal 'programming' as we're indoctrinated by our parents from birth to be loyal to them. To break that bond is to commit a heresy of sorts (in their eyes and the back of your mind as well).

But it's the case for many, many men. So don't feel like you're alone in this struggle.

Now in the case of your mother and sister since they've been good to you and you love them - obviously you should figure out a way to make that work. I don't see why cant be close with your sister independent of your parents. I am. And with your mother, she'll have to come visit you sans dad. She's a grown women - she can manage it.
(This post was last modified: 04-24-2019 03:07 PM by Trumpian.)
04-24-2019 03:02 PM
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GT777733 Offline
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Post: #5
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
(04-24-2019 02:35 PM)spydersuit Wrote:  Are you taking care of yourself?

Are you financially independent?

Are you educating yourself?

Are you working?

Are you positively contributing to society?

If the answer is no to any of these questions, then you need to correct your behavior before seeking forgiveness. If you were my kid, and you were a shit head, I would give you a hard time too. You need to think carefully about how you can start bettering yourself and contributing to the world, if you have not already done so.

^^^ What @spydersuit has said is 100% right.

Parents, or a parent, or society might be at fault for some of where you end up in life at some point, but, it's your responsibility from here to change your behavior from here to become a good person to yourself, your friend/family, and society.

We can't judge others or want things from others unless we've looked in the mirror at ourselves first to make sure we are offering the best out of ourselves.
04-24-2019 03:03 PM
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Sp5 Offline
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Post: #6
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
Your father provided a stable home for you.
Sounds like you are leaving a lot out of the story, "troubled kid.". What brought on those beatings?
You're 23 and what have you done to make him proud?
Suck it up. Have you been as good a son as he was a father?
04-24-2019 03:54 PM
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Hypno Offline
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RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
No one is perfect. Family more than anyone deserve extra chances. Not saying you have to do anything you are not. Just don't close off possibilities.

Consider the possibility that he is not as much a man as you are. You might need to extend an olive branch.

As for red pill blue pill, your parents can impact that but ultimately it's on you. I had a roommate in college who was very red pill because he grew up with his divorced dad who didn't put women on a pedestal. But every person and situation is different.
04-24-2019 04:13 PM
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RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
It's sickening how they can be abusive sometimes then very nice people at other times. It's very manipulative whether they're consciously aware of it or not.

I've always felt like my parents lure me in with kindness then try to put me in my place sometimes with insults and yelling. It's like they're testing if you're still in submission to them. I think it's disturbing when someone insults you at times, then acts like a very kind person at other times.


I hate to just cut ties with people, but I imagine that's why people stay in shitty situations their whole lives. Afraid of being alone.
(This post was last modified: 04-24-2019 04:19 PM by Disco_Volante.)
04-24-2019 04:17 PM
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Post: #9
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
(04-24-2019 03:54 PM)Sp5 Wrote:  Your father provided a stable home for you.
Sounds like you are leaving a lot out of the story, "troubled kid.". What brought on those beatings?
You're 23 and what have you done to make him proud?
Suck it up. Have you been as good a son as he was a father?

Getting beaten severely nearly everyday is no one's definition of a stable home. Could be some of the story is missing (when isn't there) or it could just be that his father is a POS.

OP -- anyone that beat you severely nearly everyday isn't worth reconciling with in any way.
(This post was last modified: 04-24-2019 04:34 PM by trickster.)
04-24-2019 04:33 PM
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ChicagoFire Offline
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RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
Perfect people don't exist but I think people choose to be asshole or idly stand by when they should be responsible adults.

I grew up in an abusive household where my dad pushed everyone around. Think smoking at home and other stuff I don't want to post on the internet. Now that I'm older I view my grandparents as failures, being older doesn't make you wise and sage. Now he has health issues and part of me feels sympathetic but the other half doesn't care. I will admit I cried a couple weeks ago when someone asked me about my family so I do care to some extent.

I have mixed feelings and you know what at the end of the day it's your life and it boils down to whether or not you want to forgive or not. I didn't like how my family idly stood by while he abused me and now that some of my relatives have kids they want me to take care of their kids. How convenient, when I need help you don't care but now that the shoe's on the other foot you want me to help you....funny how that works, especially now that I'm starting to make a killing in my career.

Deep down inside I think I should forgive my dad, I'm not too sure about my relatives though. I think I'll find out when he's dead and I get invited to the wake.

/end rant
At the end of the day you forgive for yourself and everybody will have a different processing experience.

(09-21-2018 09:31 AM)kosko Wrote:  For the folks who stay ignorant and hating and not improving their situation during these Trump years, it will be bleak and cold once the good times stop.
04-24-2019 05:07 PM
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Post: #11
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
Belittling your son, beating the shit out of him and never giving any kind of love or parental advice is being an abusive piece of shit. Most likely this guy could go to prison for that kind of behavior. Laws are changing rapidly regarding child abuse.

OP, as for reaching out and forgiving. Don't do it. Won't help. Unless your father comes to you, don't do it. Work on those other relationships instead. Your mother is not as perfect as you think she is. She is an enabler. Don't resent her for it, it's very common for women to be that with psychopaths/narcissists.

OP, what's important is that you take care of yourself. Do not do stupid stuff, "troubled kid" stuff. Be mindful of your health, quit the drugs if you take any, don't binge drink, keep relations with friends and other family stable and frequent. In situations such as yours, it is common to want to run far away, but be mindful that you're not burning bridges. In any case, most important, do not be self destructive with your health, finances or social relationships. You'll have a clearer head in a year or two, if you manage to stay sober and calm.
(This post was last modified: 04-24-2019 05:25 PM by nomadbrah.)
04-24-2019 05:24 PM
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RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
I've been waiting for a long time to share this with someone too. If you guys don't want to read through is fine. Also, if my story helps in you in any way, I'll be happy.

A father's love for his son is shown in a very different way than that of a mother. Women are incredibly good at being caring and charming and that's why they are wired to have children and take care of babies, but a dad not showing the same behaviour doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he's a man. His emotional intelligence is inferior than the one of a woman. A man is a provider, a hunter, a farmer, a builder, a warrior. A man is not wired to smile gently and be caring. A man is wired to be strong, to fight and to cooperate. No wonder why boys are closer to their mother. And guess what, 'girls' from a very early age closer to their father.

It took me 27 years to realize how great my dad was and how much he loved me. He had a tough life and worked in the security industry for 30 years so he didn't have much freedom to 'spend time' with his son. He had to experience horrible things, nearly lost his life several times and had to go through a lot of shit himself throughout his life. Worked like a mule every week, night and day. Experienced a lot of stress. And all of that for his sons and wife to have a comfortable life, for his sons to have a great education and maybe, have a better life than his. My mother used to tell me: that man gave you two everything he could except 'love'.

What I can recall in my teens and childhood is that he was cold, he was stoic, he used to bully me when I cried like a baby and didn't support me letting grow my hair or listening to english rock music because I'd end up being a weirdo and a junkie. He was kind of a passive-aggresive person and didn't take shit from me or my mom. When he came home he didn't look happy and didn't talk much. My mom always appeared to be so meek, so reticent. And she often cried when they argued. And so I sided with my mom, why? because he looked distant, violent, aggresive yet my mother was so defenseless and caring for me. She would encourage me to be everything I wanted, to let my hair grow, to be a musician. She even told me if I was gay she would be ok because she would love me unconditionally. My dad bullied me for not walking straight, for not taking care of my hair, for crying for petty things, for giving a shit for those girls who rejected me in school, for not speaking like a man. What a 'terrible' person he was.

I don't have a good recollection as I was very young but at some point I think my mom tried to or cheated on him and things got really fucked up. My parents divorced. The man went mad and the very little relationship I had with him was broken altogether. He was a 'jelaous' and 'horrible' man. I hated him, I wanted to kill him. I wanted him to disappear and leave me alone. It was his fault, he didn't spend time with us, he wasn't loving or caring for me or mom. Mom didn't have a choice.

I'll cut out most of the irrelevant stuff but 12 or 13 years later I have the best relationship with my dad that I can't still believe it. The neo-masculinity gave me all answers. I fixed my relationship with my Father. I know your father is a complete different person than mine, but there is a lot of things that you're saying that I also experienced and felt, so to make a long story short about my story and some of your thoughts that I also had, here's some of my thoughts.

Quote:but i feel like because i haven't actually had a dad i could talk to and a dad teach me about life

1.In my case, my dad couldn't spend time with me or mom, because he was busy PROVIDING for his family. He was born in a cruel and difficult world so he didn't have time to be a pussy. He was tired, he was working his ass off for mom, my brother and I. He didn't have time to teach me about life but why would he? Isn't he teaching me a lesson already through his actions and his life? His work ethic, his discipline, his pride, his masculinity. Guess what, girls and women around have always found him attractive. I realised how tired he was when I completed my first full year working a tiring 9-5 job. I can't judge him anymore.


Quote:In my 23 years i've not once in my life sat down and talked with my dad about life, just the 2 of us. Our egos always conflicted on each other and we never really had the "talks" most guys have. Never built a connection with my dad the way i wanted to.

2. You can't force those talks, they come naturally. I first had to start saying yes sir when he asked me for something (in colombia we do that to our parents as a sign of respect not in a military way). Then months later I began to call him dad, father. He asked for something and I just said 'Yes dad, yes father (this was crucial at least in my culture). Then I just spend gradually a lot of time with the old man. I didn't have to sit with him and talk about 'life' with him. We were just there silent. Watching a soccer game. Watching the news. Then he told a story or two about how he almost got killed by communist guerrillas in the putumayo river/colombia. Then we talked some more. Then a hot 'anchorwoman' appeared in the news and we agreed she was attractive. Another day I was there helping him to cook and then a story came up about a girl he liked and he gamed when he was in highschool (game in those times was easy as fuck). Then after years, there it was, a 'connection' with my father. There we were, 'connecting'. He was teaching me how to cook the basic colombian plates and saying how much he liked that 'gringo loco' called trump. I was talking about life with my father, first, by living with him. I just think it was easy for fathers and sons of the past to 'connect' when they were just doing stuff like hunting, gathering, farming or preparing a steak I don't know.

Quote:Everyone else had strong father figures and loved spending time with their dads. Mine never supported me in the hobbies i took upon. I remember i used to envy my friends whose father would go to football games with them and support them, he would give a fuck about their hobbies and spend time talking to them about their interests. Mine was different. He only cared about 2 things. His son getting a good education and his son projecting a good and respectable image for other parents in our social circle.

3.In my case, He never cared about rock music, ancient roman history, silly xbox videogames, English language and a bunch of other things. But he showed his love by buying me an electric guitar, buying some english courses, purchasing an xbox for me. His priority as well was to get his son to get a good education (because he wanted me to have money and status) He also wanted me to project a good and respectable image in general, I'm not so sure with other parents but because a good and respectable image would help his son to get laid and girls love that (Game right there). My father is not a perfect person and he doesn't have to like all my stuff, he is not a girl who would pretend he cares about Led zeppelin or Nirvana, why would he?. In your case have you cared about his hobbies or interests? Have you been the perfect son he expected? Don't be so tough at him.

Quote:A religious household. He never taught me about women. He has only been with one woman throughout his whole life, my mother. He's in his 50s now and im afraid im wasting the only chance i have to get to know him better before he passes away.

4. My dad is clueless about what we call game. He didn't teach me anything about women. Our parents were born in a different world. Don't judge him. As far as my dad goes, he only said one time or two something about not giving a fuck about what women think, getting my life together, and one time more about not giving a fuck and maybe practice a sport. WHOA. Game right there.

Quote: But he forgot one very important aspect. Love. Maybe he never knew how to express it since his dad never showed him it. His dad was a very stoic and well-respected man in the area. Very professional and some would describe emotionless.

5. My mom used to tell me about this one a lot. And she brainwashed me with this. A way for a masculine man to express love is different. He doesn't have to be caring or charming, it leans more to stoic respect and providing. That's fatherly love. I only tell my father than I love him in new years eve. He is teaching you game right there bro. Have you ever as a man expressed 'love' and saw how that turns out in real life to real men?

Quote:My dad used to beat the shit out of me nearly every day. I was a troubled kid at home and i was pissing myself just hearing the words from the principal office "we're gonna call your dad up here". I knew what was waiting for me at home. A hell of a beating and sometimes with the belt.

6. In my case I was scared as fuck to screw up in high school because my dad would beat the shit out of me. But I figured out a lot of that too. Do you know why christians call God 'Father', have you heard about the fear of God? Fear goes along masculine principles of respect, honor, discipline and submission to authority. I stopped fearing dad when I became a man and I earned his respect. I somehow had to defy his authority but by doing so I showed him I was a man, not longer a child or a little pussy.

Quote:My mom, on the other hand, did EVERYTHING to help me. Always comforted me when i was sad, crying, depressed. She showered me with love. She would go behind my dads back and slide me some money whenever i needed it. I love my mother. Such a beautiful, feminine and caring woman. She goes out of her own way to please everybody. Even if that means she will get the blame for things. She would take the hit for me when my dad went crazy. "You're spoiling him, he's becoming a complete failure and having shitty grades and you're comforting him saying its ok its alright, is that how you're gonna treat him?"

7. That's why we need a mother and father. We need both energies. We need the strong dad who doesn't take shit from none in his household and the caring woman. That balance is what makes a healthy person. Yet this balance is never perfect therefore we are all imperfect (NEWS!). That last sentence you mentioned is exactly what I will tell my son when he gets bad grades or comes home complaining about how a girl broke his heart because he was a nice and caring guy. 'You're spoiling him!, I told him to be an asshole and careless motherfucker. He shouldn't be crying like a girl, hey son stop crying like a girl, that bitch doesn't care about you, better work out' 2 years of forum research saved.


Quote:I want to get rid of all the built up hate and ego inside of me. Any tips on what i should work on to fix my relationship with my dad and sister? I think it's time to forgive and become a better person. I've been a piece of shit for too long without realizing how much im hurting people i don't want to hurt. I've never spoken to anyone in my life about this issue.

8. Dude, take it easy. When I was a kid I hated my dad so much that I wanted to kill him. Now I'm planning to some day go out to a shooting range so he can teach me how to shoot a 9mm gun. We are dealing with some financial problems at the moment.

It won't be an overnight thing. It may take years for you to heal that relationship with him. It's up to you to figure it out, but start slowly. Spend time with him, no need to 'talk about life' yet. Sit down with him, if it doesn't work then try by talking to him a bit more. He's a man so he must have wisdom that you will see reflected here. He's not perfect, and you are not the perfect son. From there on just don't be so tough to him and take the best he can give you. If things don't work out like in my case yet you were the man by trying all of that and your conscience should be at ease. If I came off as rude at some point I'm sorry, but I just went through something very similar and pulled it off by doing more and thinking less. We 'men' have hamsters sometime spinning as well. I just wanted to share my story, thanks for reading, I never did before and I'm happy I did so in this forum.

Colombian local. Fan of music, arts, films, Football, history, masculinity. Non-native english speaker, please have patience with me.

"Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship." Buddha
(This post was last modified: 04-24-2019 06:33 PM by lonewolf1992.)
04-24-2019 06:25 PM
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RatInTheWoods Offline
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Post: #13
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
Ring your mum and sister for ten minutes a week, that won't kill you and trust me, its what you should do.

You can visit your hometown, stay in an airbnb and have dinner and see your mum/sis out of the house, go places etc, make it clear dad is not welcome because you have "cut out toxic people from your life"

ie You can still have a relationship with loved ones and family while cutting your asshole father out the loop. Don't use him as an excuse to fuck your own life up more by loosing your mum and sis.

Family is critical. And you need to be there to support them now you are a grown man - its what we do.
04-24-2019 08:37 PM
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RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
(04-24-2019 03:54 PM)Sp5 Wrote:  Your father provided a stable home for you.
Sounds like you are leaving a lot out of the story, "troubled kid.". What brought on those beatings?
You're 23 and what have you done to make him proud?
Suck it up. Have you been as good a son as he was a father?

What did his dad do to make HIM proud while having the benefit of much greater life experience?

And just lol to the notion that regular beatings are justified.
04-25-2019 12:43 AM
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Post: #15
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
I got emotional reading your post lonewolf, thanks so much for sharing. It feels like a burden is off my chest for simply sharing such a story that has had that impact on my growth, i hope you feel the same relief writing this. I can resonate with a lot of the things you've written and im happy your relationship with your dad is on the right track. This is the kind of goal i want to reach in the near future. Im still contemplating how i should go about this. Whether i should just drop the feud between me and my dad and just be "normal", no friends, no nothing, just normal. Or that i should befriend him and learn more about him, find out what kind of person he is when the facade is down when the toughness and discipline is out of the way. Now that he doesn't have to spend the same amount of effort bringing up a teenage boy. How his view on life is, now that he's old and missing out on the opportunity to see his boy becoming a man.

Spyder this is exactly what im striving for. The 5 questions you listed is my goal. I've not yet reached all of them, but once i graduate next year, i will be changing my life for the better. I've often dreamt about how it would be to be brought up in another family, or a fantasy about earning enough money to sustain my self, packing all my shit and travel to a new country and start a new life, where no one knows you, and you have to start building your relationships and friendships from scratch. Eventually, start a family there. It's an ambivalent feeling all of this. On one hand im upset and disappointed it happened to me, my dad was a shithead towards me, but on the other side, i appreciate that he treated me shit. Without that i would never have been a strong character i am today. I would maybe never have found about the red pill and never understood what struggle means.

As i've gotten older and older i've started to understand this quote more and more.
"Hard times create strong men, Strong men create good times, Good times create weak men, Weak men create hard times."

When you think about it, you love your mother because she's the one who gave you birth, it's a natural thing to do. It's the default of all love... mothers love. Love for your father, on the other hand, is a choice. Fathers represent someone we look up to. The highest authority figure in our lives when we were kids. We looked at our father as that big, wise superhero. But when a father doesn't live up to this or makes a mistake, we then don't have someone to look up to anymore. Resentment follows and then grudges take hold.

You could always say fuck you to your father and cut him completely out of your life, but it will always leave you with an unexplainable void and feeling of loss that can lead to hurt or grudges. Like some piece of the puzzle missing.

My dad didn't beat me for the fun of it, or because he wanted to get his aggression out. He beat me because he wanted to punish and discipline me whenever i went wrong. I completely disagree with violence being a factor of discipline, but back in the day they believed this to be true. He got a hell of a beating as a child and came out tough and disciplined - if i just follow what my dad did to me, i will get the same good results, he probably thought to himself. The thing about beating your children is that down the line they will hate you for this, and for a child the trauma is something that can haunt them for the rest of their lives.

Well said GT777733, you can't change the past, you can only change the future. I am motivated more than ever to work my ass off and become a person people look up to. I am only 23 and i don't plan on marrying any time soon, but i often think about how good of a father i will become because of all these things i've learned so early on in my life about the psychology of bringing up a child. Do not repeat the mistakes that were made on me, that my dad only realized now in his 50's. I will become friends with my children and spend time on their hobbies, show interest and strive to be the best person i can be around them. I want my children to look up to me, out of respect, not out of fear.

One of my favorite quotes says "Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending"
04-25-2019 03:43 AM
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Post: #16
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
(04-25-2019 03:43 AM)matt1996 Wrote:  My dad didn't beat me for the fun of it, or because he wanted to get his aggression out. He beat me because he wanted to punish and discipline me whenever i went wrong. I completely disagree with violence being a factor of discipline, but back in the day they believed this to be true. He got a hell of a beating as a child and came out tough and disciplined - if i just follow what my dad did to me, i will get the same good results, he probably thought to himself. The thing about beating your children is that down the line they will hate you for this, and for a child the trauma is something that can haunt them for the rest of their lives.

OK, we still don't have the full picture, but he didn't beat you "for the hell of it."

How did you "go wrong?"

Were you stealing in the home?
Stealing outside the house, with police involvement?
Other crimes like vandalism?
Was it drug use?
Refusing to go to school or do any work in school?
Disrupting your school daily?
Disgracing your family in various other ways?

Were these things you continued doing every day, after your father tried to talk to you and persuade you of the error of your ways?

You are 23. Have you graduated from university? other post-secondary? secondary school? A levels? O levels? Do you have a job?

Are you dwelling on your father as a cause of your own failures of effort? Did you expect him to be perfect while you were fucking up left and right?

This whole thread is emo. Looking for sympathy while not telling the whole story.
(This post was last modified: 04-25-2019 04:17 AM by Sp5.)
04-25-2019 04:08 AM
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Post: #17
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
(04-25-2019 04:08 AM)Sp5 Wrote:  
(04-25-2019 03:43 AM)matt1996 Wrote:  
This whole thread is emo.

Yep, and probably bullshit.

Where I grew up you were lucky if you had a father that beat you.

If there was anyone going to be a victim...then it was my plan to be the man doing the victimising.

Learn to be a man or fuck off and go sit with the girls or the fags.

Sorry mate, sometimes life is that hard. Accept it or accept being a victim.
04-25-2019 04:26 AM
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Post: #18
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
Sp5: I am not playing the victim card. I am not abused or scarred or anything like that, in fact, the beating made me into a better man today. It made me tough, independent. I will graduate from university this summer. If you read my post i appreciate all of this happened to me NOW, but couldn't fathom it BEFORE. The point of this is that because of the feelings i had back then, the hate for my dad, it has only grown stronger since and it's gotten to the point where im avoiding my whole family because of one mans actions when they don't deserve to be victims of my anger/bitterness. I am only trying to figure out if i should let go of the past and befriend my father or continue living my life worry free as im already doing. The only thing i feel bad about is whether he deserves a new chance or if i should just keep on living my life without worrying about him and the past.

A burden is a burden, no matter how big or small it is. I don't think about this at all, but when my mom sends me messages apologizing and saying she misses me, i feel quite guilty for involving her in this clash of ego between my father and me. We've always had contradicting views on the world, he always thought he was right, was stubborn and wouldn't change a fraction of his thought if his life depended on it. He thought he had it all figured out, but i guess he was wrong.

I never stole or were involved in crime or police. I got beat over minor things which could have been easily avoided by just talking about them. Such things as if i came home late, and he was very strict about rules. Be home at X and Y, if you don't you would either get a beating or be left to sleep outside. If i made my sister sad or made her cry he beat the shit out of me. If i would do the slightest thing to annoy her and she'd complain he would beat me up, if i came home with bad grades he beat the shit out of me, instead of sitting down with me and trying to educate me, if i stayed on the computer just 30 min more than i should have. If i didn't do the housework such as clean up the dishes or clean up my room on time. If i didn't follow his order to 100% perfection. If i didn't show utmost respect when we had guests over. If i were to call him by his real name rather than "dad". I feel like he cared more about his image as a dad and how he was PERCEIVED by other dads, rather than actually being a good dad.

It was shallow things, but somehow i would get the belt for it and be humiliated in front of all my friends. I stopped having friends over because of this reason. Every day was a new thing he would get mad about. It was very unpredictable. He was expecting way too much from a child, from a little boy, discipline to the maximum. You can't FORCE somebody to be respectful, you could instead teach him through your actions. But if the only way you can get your will is by threatening and hurting another person, what does that say about you as a parent?

He would literally always compare me to some other guys parents. I wish you were more like X and Y, if only i could be proud of showing you off to my friends, why do all my friends have good sons but i don't? Mind you ALL the examples he gave me had:

A) supportive dads B) laid back dads C) never laid hands on their kids

As much as he wished he would have one of his friend's sons, i also wished i had my friends fathers, instead of mine. Perhaps because my dad was never the son his father wished for and his father would always spend his attention on his younger brothers, it must have had a huge impact on my dad leading him to push me beyond my limits, to not have history repeat itself. It's kind of hard to explain, but this is my theory. It's kind of like ex-failed sports athletes that get kids. They spend everything in their might and power to have their kid be successful like they never were, and become a world class athlete. Because they want to live vicariously through them, now that they've lost their chance and youth. Despite the kid not actually having a fraction% of the interest, the parent has for them. Get it?

In my mind, i rationalize his behavior in a way that he is most likely a product of his own parents' mistakes and flaws. In this case, he was a product of bad parenting mistakes that lead him to think this was the way forward. I can't fully blame him for that. Because i keep thinking that "he didn't know any better".
04-25-2019 06:09 AM
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Post: #19
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
(04-25-2019 06:09 AM)matt1996 Wrote:  Sp5: I am not playing the victim card. I am not abused or scarred or anything like that, in fact, the beating made me into a better man today. It made me tough, independent. I will graduate from university this summer. If you read my post i appreciate all of this happened to me NOW, but couldn't fathom it BEFORE. The point of this is that because of the feelings i had back then, the hate for my dad, it has only grown stronger since and it's gotten to the point where im avoiding my whole family because of one mans actions when they don't deserve to be victims of my anger/bitterness. I am only trying to figure out if i should let go of the past and befriend my father or continue living my life worry free as im already doing. The only thing i feel bad about is whether he deserves a new chance or if i should just keep on living my life without worrying about him and the past.

A burden is a burden, no matter how big or small it is. I don't think about this at all, but when my mom sends me messages apologizing and saying she misses me, i feel quite guilty for involving her in this clash of ego between my father and me. We've always had contradicting views on the world, he always thought he was right, was stubborn and wouldn't change a fraction of his thought if his life depended on it. He thought he had it all figured out, but i guess he was wrong.

I never stole or were involved in crime or police. I got beat over minor things which could have been easily avoided by just talking about them. Such things as if i came home late, and he was very strict about rules. Be home at X and Y, if you don't you would either get a beating or be left to sleep outside. If i made my sister sad or made her cry he beat the shit out of me. If i would do the slightest thing to annoy her and she'd complain he would beat me up, if i came home with bad grades he beat the shit out of me, instead of sitting down with me and trying to educate me, if i stayed on the computer just 30 min more than i should have. If i didn't do the housework such as clean up the dishes or clean up my room on time. If i didn't follow his order to 100% perfection. If i didn't show utmost respect when we had guests over. If i were to call him by his real name rather than "dad". I feel like he cared more about his image as a dad and how he was PERCEIVED by other dads, rather than actually being a good dad.

It was shallow things, but somehow i would get the belt for it and be humiliated in front of all my friends. I stopped having friends over because of this reason. Every day was a new thing he would get mad about. It was very unpredictable. He was expecting way too much from a child, from a little boy, discipline to the maximum. You can't FORCE somebody to be respectful, you could instead teach him through your actions. But if the only way you can get your will is by threatening and hurting another person, what does that say about you as a parent?

He would literally always compare me to some other guys parents. I wish you were more like X and Y, if only i could be proud of showing you off to my friends, why do all my friends have good sons but i don't? Mind you ALL the examples he gave me had:

A) supportive dads B) laid back dads C) never laid hands on their kids

As much as he wished he would have one of his friend's sons, i also wished i had my friends fathers, instead of mine. Perhaps because my dad was never the son his father wished for and his father would always spend his attention on his younger brothers, it must have had a huge impact on my dad leading him to push me beyond my limits, to not have history repeat itself. It's kind of hard to explain, but this is my theory. It's kind of like ex-failed sports athletes that get kids. They spend everything in their might and power to have their kid be successful like they never were, and become a world class athlete. Because they want to live vicariously through them, now that they've lost their chance and youth. Despite the kid not actually having a fraction% of the interest, the parent has for them. Get it?

In my mind, i rationalize his behavior in a way that he is most likely a product of his own parents' mistakes and flaws. In this case, he was a product of bad parenting mistakes that lead him to think this was the way forward. I can't fully blame him for that. Because i keep thinking that "he didn't know any better".

OK, fair enough explanation. So your father was a dick. Obviously it's bothering you that you're not communicating with him.

It's possible you can reset your relationship with him on an adult man-to-man basis. It's up to you to decide. I suggest that you give him a chance. If he starts with the negativity, be prepared to explain to him how and why you think things went wrong.
04-25-2019 06:15 AM
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Post: #20
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
(04-25-2019 06:09 AM)matt1996 Wrote:  Sp5: I am not playing the victim card. I am not abused or scarred or anything like that, in fact, the beating made me into a better man today. It made me tough, independent. I will graduate from university this summer. If you read my post i appreciate all of this happened to me NOW, but couldn't fathom it BEFORE. The point of this is that because of the feelings i had back then, the hate for my dad, it has only grown stronger since and it's gotten to the point where im avoiding my whole family because of one mans actions when they don't deserve to be victims of my anger/bitterness. I am only trying to figure out if i should let go of the past and befriend my father or continue living my life worry free as im already doing. The only thing i feel bad about is whether he deserves a new chance or if i should just keep on living my life without worrying about him and the past.

A burden is a burden, no matter how big or small it is. I don't think about this at all, but when my mom sends me messages apologizing and saying she misses me, i feel quite guilty for involving her in this clash of ego between my father and me. We've always had contradicting views on the world, he always thought he was right, was stubborn and wouldn't change a fraction of his thought if his life depended on it. He thought he had it all figured out, but i guess he was wrong.

I never stole or were involved in crime or police. I got beat over minor things which could have been easily avoided by just talking about them. Such things as if i came home late, and he was very strict about rules. Be home at X and Y, if you don't you would either get a beating or be left to sleep outside. If i made my sister sad or made her cry he beat the shit out of me. If i would do the slightest thing to annoy her and she'd complain he would beat me up, if i came home with bad grades he beat the shit out of me, instead of sitting down with me and trying to educate me, if i stayed on the computer just 30 min more than i should have. If i didn't do the housework such as clean up the dishes or clean up my room on time. If i didn't follow his order to 100% perfection. If i didn't show utmost respect when we had guests over. If i were to call him by his real name rather than "dad". I feel like he cared more about his image as a dad and how he was PERCEIVED by other dads, rather than actually being a good dad.

It was shallow things, but somehow i would get the belt for it and be humiliated in front of all my friends. I stopped having friends over because of this reason. Every day was a new thing he would get mad about. It was very unpredictable. He was expecting way too much from a child, from a little boy, discipline to the maximum. You can't FORCE somebody to be respectful, you could instead teach him through your actions. But if the only way you can get your will is by threatening and hurting another person, what does that say about you as a parent?

He would literally always compare me to some other guys parents. I wish you were more like X and Y, if only i could be proud of showing you off to my friends, why do all my friends have good sons but i don't? Mind you ALL the examples he gave me had:

A) supportive dads B) laid back dads C) never laid hands on their kids

As much as he wished he would have one of his friend's sons, i also wished i had my friends fathers, instead of mine. Perhaps because my dad was never the son his father wished for and his father would always spend his attention on his younger brothers, it must have had a huge impact on my dad leading him to push me beyond my limits, to not have history repeat itself. It's kind of hard to explain, but this is my theory. It's kind of like ex-failed sports athletes that get kids. They spend everything in their might and power to have their kid be successful like they never were, and become a world class athlete. Because they want to live vicariously through them, now that they've lost their chance and youth. Despite the kid not actually having a fraction% of the interest, the parent has for them. Get it?

In my mind, i rationalize his behavior in a way that he is most likely a product of his own parents' mistakes and flaws. In this case, he was a product of bad parenting mistakes that lead him to think this was the way forward. I can't fully blame him for that. Because i keep thinking that "he didn't know any better".

With more information, it begs the question: Why don't you suck it up and quit breaking the rules? Why were your grades shitty?

To put this in perspective, I had probably been arrested 8-10 times by the time I was 19 in the hood, thankfully and luckily, nothing really stuck. I matured in the military and got my shit together- common story. I also received good grades and was talented athletically - didn't matter to my family. My father never gave a single fuck, and beat me on occasion while drunk. My parents were toxic. Your parents sound like they care. Get over it.

Straighten out your life and get off the fucking pity pot.

-----------------
Also you never answered my questions:

Are you taking care of yourself?

Are you financially independent?

Are you educating yourself?

Are you working?

Are you positively contributing to society?


---------

Life is tough. Get used to it.

I agree with the previous poster's comments that this is a bullshit emo thread and this guy is trolling us.

The iGen, like my generation- Millennials, but more homo.
(This post was last modified: 04-25-2019 10:41 AM by spydersuit.)
04-25-2019 10:39 AM
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Post: #21
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
(04-25-2019 03:43 AM)matt1996 Wrote:  Without that i would never have been a strong character i am today. I would maybe never have found about the red pill and never understood what struggle means.

Did you ever struggle?

From what you write, it sounds like your dad disciplined you. You didn't make an attempt to correct your ways. He disciplined you some more. And then you went to your mom for comfort because you didn't like the discipline.

That's not a struggle.
04-25-2019 12:11 PM
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Post: #22
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
(04-25-2019 12:11 PM)VNvet Wrote:  
(04-25-2019 03:43 AM)matt1996 Wrote:  Without that i would never have been a strong character i am today. I would maybe never have found about the red pill and never understood what struggle means.

Did you ever struggle?

From what you write, it sounds like your dad disciplined you. You didn't make an attempt to correct your ways. He disciplined you some more. And then you went to your mom for comfort because you didn't like the discipline.

That's not a struggle.

Matt, sometimes you have to apologize, even if you don't think you're all at fault. And that apology leads to your father's apology, perhaps, and a real reconciliation and reset on an adult basis, not parent-child.
04-25-2019 12:23 PM
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Post: #23
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
(04-25-2019 12:23 PM)Sp5 Wrote:  
(04-25-2019 12:11 PM)VNvet Wrote:  
(04-25-2019 03:43 AM)matt1996 Wrote:  Without that i would never have been a strong character i am today. I would maybe never have found about the red pill and never understood what struggle means.

Did you ever struggle?

From what you write, it sounds like your dad disciplined you. You didn't make an attempt to correct your ways. He disciplined you some more. And then you went to your mom for comfort because you didn't like the discipline.

That's not a struggle.

Matt, sometimes you have to apologize, even if you don't think you're all at fault. And that apology leads to your father's apology, perhaps, and a real reconciliation and reset on an adult basis, not parent-child.

Exactly.

The Shield of Sham demonstrates its true value.
04-25-2019 12:39 PM
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Post: #24
RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
A lot of the OP's story does sound like some spoiled first world kid who's mad that his Dad didn't kiss his ass when he was a punk teenager instead of trying to instill some discipline in him. I'm not buying the whole "omg my Dad would beat me everyday because he hated me so much", that seems like a complete and total embellishment and exaggeration. It's sad how many guys hate their Dads over totally stupid bs and think their Moms are such angels for enabling their stupid behavior. Teenagers are a pain in the ass to deal with and I have little doubt that this guy was a royal pain in the ass for his Dad to deal with while his sister was easier, didn't do stupid shit and made a success of herself. Emo post indeed and yet another "high quality red pill" noob has decided to grace us with his presence.
(This post was last modified: 04-25-2019 01:32 PM by doc holliday.)
04-25-2019 01:29 PM
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RE: Growing Up Resenting Your Dad
(04-25-2019 01:29 PM)doc holliday Wrote:  Emo post indeed and yet another "high quality red pill" noob has decided to grace us with his presence.

LMAO
04-25-2019 01:52 PM
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