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A Guide to Dealing with Divorce
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?Kick Offline
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A Guide to Dealing with Divorce
It's been awhile since being active on the forum, but life has brought me back. I'm going through a divorce and a few threads on here have helped beyond belief. There were a few threads in particular which I will link either at the bottom or later today if I have a chance.

A bit about my situation: 32 Years old, LTR for 7 years, married for 3. 1 child who is 2 years old. Infidelity throughout the relationship and marriage. None of it was "emotional" but that doesn't matter, cheated and got caught. I know I fucked up. Moving on..

Everything you will read out there comes down to a few things: Gym, Time, Meetup.com, buy a fucking kayak, work on yourself, yadda yadda yadda. That's all fine and dandy, but your brain and body won't be ready to deal with any of that in the beginning. This guide is mostly about the initial stages of separation and divorce. Also, this guide is more applicable if you have a child because if you don't have a kid with her, shit's a million times easier - pack your shit, move, no contact, you'll get over it with time. Not really the case when you have to deal with your ex for the foreseeable future.

To Begin:

Are things actually over? For me, I was under the impression that the last 5 months I had a shot of making things right and having another chance, however, she had already checked out since Jan 1st and admitted to just using me for comfort until she was ready to date again. That shit hit me like a fucking shotgun. But, I needed to hear it. Once those words were said, I finally realized it was over and could begin the process of moving on and getting my shit together. No more what if's or maybe's. I had found finality.

If you still have a fighting chance, my advice is to be honest and upfront about EVERYTHING. All the dirt and grime, all the girls you were banging behind her back, in your home, whatever. It needs to be all out on the table. Only then can she begin to build her trust with you again. That's what it comes down to in my opinion, if it's a case of infidelity anyway. Had I been honest and upfront right from the start, I think things could have been a lot different. But hindsight is 20/20. Also, consider having her sign an Non Disclosure Agreement. The less involved her family/friends are in this whole process the better, she wont feel as ashamed to stick around with you if no one knows the specifics.

Next Steps:

Keep things amicable. Or try your damned hardest to do so if you have children involved. Also, this will allow the two of you to communicate and formulate a plan for the future/parent schedules/etc. And in my case, I was able to obtain closure with the whole thing through communicating. My motivations for winning her back were largely due to wanting my daughter to grow up with a family. More on that later.

Finances. Get your shit together. See what your expenses are at, what your child support payments and spousal support payments will be. If you work to an amicable spot, go through a mediator to have the separation agreement drawn up. Remember, all this petty shit of who should get what or coming at this as enemies will only impact your child. The children are priority now. And make a plan to get living arrangements that are conducive to gaming, budget withstanding. You wont be swooping anything any time soon but you need to plan ahead. I picked a prime location in town, I couldn't imagine how shitty I would be feeling right now if I was in a housing complex in the burbs without any fly prospects in sight.

Ask yourself what you really want in life? Now is the time to build the lifestyle you always wanted. For me, I immediately started listening to music I couldn't otherwise listen to at home, more time to start reading books (Meditations by Marcus Aurelius has been invaluable), focus on doing the things you otherwise couldn't because you were bound by traditional family routines. Just stay schemin'. Delve deep into the motivations behind your behaviour, why the relationship didn't work, and learn from it. Figure out what lead you to that point and how to avoid going down that path again.

Be the best damn father you can be. Unless you get full custody, your time with your kids will be cut in half or more. Make the most of it. My relationship had gotten to a point where I was completely checked out, and it trickled into my abilities to be a present father. I was there, in the room, but on my phone or always thinking about the next opportunity to get my dick wet. Now, when I pick her up on the weekends or when she sees me come over for a visit, she cant withhold her excitement to see me. It's a damn good feeling knowing that despite not being able to see my daughter as much, she misses me and wants to spend time with her dad. When I'm with her, I keep my phone in my pocket, and spend all my attention on being a good father.

Getting over your ex/how to deal with emotional swings:


I'd be lying if I said this shit is easy. It's one of the hardest, most painful things I've had to go through. There will be times when everything is going your way, you've cooked up a mean brisket, got your gangsta rap on, have a fly chicka hitting you up on the gram but all you think about is what your ex is doing or who she's fucking. It's natural, my half cocked theory is that it's the chemicals in your brain firing, wanting to get a fix of the good times. The comfort, the security, and the sex. I did a lot of writing during the initial stages of my divorce. I wrote everything, all that I was feeling, my anger, my frustrations, my goals, and self discoveries. It helped process everything that was going on. One thing I did that I wasn't sure would help was create a list of all the things that I didn't like about my relationship with my ex, as well as with her. When those emotions of longing and wanting to get back together with her would creep up, I would look at my list it. Boom. Back to reality. It's easy to look back and see everything with rose colored glasses, making a "shit list" helps.

Putting her in a "mother of my child box". That's how I see my ex now. The sooner you detach from any emotional connection or longing, the easier and stress free you will be. She's already banging someone she met on tinder, who cares. Does it impact how she will raise our kid? That's what matters.

Time to start hitting up fly chickas:

I wont go too much into this, as there are plenty of threads and knowledge out there on game and how to pick up. From what I can say though, gaming higher quality women and more attractive women than your ex is what the focus should be on. My ex was pretty sexy so this is challenging for me but revel in it. Now that I'm divorced, I don't give a fuck about what I say and who I say it to. I'm upfront about what I want and what I am capable of putting into dating. The girls I've talked to respect it. With everything going on, I don't have time to waste with low quality chicks, I make sure they understand this. Build a lifestyle that demonstrates that.

Closing thoughts:

Everyone's circumstances are unique and different. I lucked out in that I did marry someone caring and considerate. This divorce could have been nasty, but it isn't. We both understand what we need to do moving forward. I hope you can be as lucky.

The girl I married was attractive, a great mother, a down to earth girl, not materialistic and madly in love with me. I still threw it all away for some side pieces that I didn't even like. Why? Game is a gift and a curse. It provides so many opportunities to be unfaithful. That's what it came down to in the end. I know a lot of guys on the board want to find that high quality girl to lock down and have a family with, but really, none of that matters unless you are willing to hang up it up for good.
05-16-2019 12:33 PM
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Dilated Offline
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RE: A Guide to Dealing with Divorce
Divorce is tough any way you slice it. Mine was tough for the opposite reason. We didn’t have kids. I’d like a family and I’m starting over at 38. I don’t miss my ex-wife at all...and never did at any point.

The key to my situation now is to approach it with commensurate urgency but don’t panic. Panicking will lead me to a bad decision. I’ve got to absolutely nail (heh) the next one.

Is there a thread on having a child without getting married (without knocking up the nearest slut, obviously)? That would be ideal. Getting married again sounds about as fun as corkscrewing my nipples.
05-16-2019 04:26 PM
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GreenHills Offline
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RE: A Guide to Dealing with Divorce
OP, would it have been possible to convince your wife to be ok with you getting chicks on the side? She still gets everything she was getting before, but say on some Wednesday nights you’re missing for a few hours.
05-16-2019 05:40 PM
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?Kick Offline
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RE: A Guide to Dealing with Divorce
(05-16-2019 05:40 PM)GreenHills Wrote:  OP, would it have been possible to convince your wife to be ok with you getting chicks on the side? She still gets everything she was getting before, but say on some Wednesday nights you’re missing for a few hours.

Haha that would have been a pretty sweet way to transition into it. Had I been honest and upfront about everything right from the beginning, yeah she probably would have gone for it to some degree. Through our talks after everything came out, she revealed being into anything and everything. Me banging other chicks with her not being present would not have been ok though, pretty much where she drew the line. The continued dishonesty is what lead to my downfall (umm...cheating notwithstanding)

Hope the post will help others get through the shit show that is divorce.

I was thinking on doing a thread on "Should I marry her", I think in most cases, the answer is no because of the ability to be able to find newer and shiner talent. Unless the girl agrees to an open relationship but you'd be hardpressed to find a girl that's ok with it just being a 1 way open relationship. Hm...do female cucks exist?
05-16-2019 05:56 PM
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scotian Offline
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RE: A Guide to Dealing with Divorce
I can confirm that ?Kick’s ex-wife is pretty damn sexy, we’ve been friends for years and I attended the wedding. I was pretty shocked when I heard the news because I thought everything was good but I’m glad to hear that she isn’t being a total cunt about it, she’s a pretty nice girl. So ?Kick, when is the divorce next party? You know I’m down bro!

God damned them all, I was told we'd cruise the seas for American gold, we'd fire no guns-shed no tears, now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier, the last of Barrett's privateers!
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05-20-2019 05:45 AM
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Beirut
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RE: A Guide to Dealing with Divorce
What I wanna know is how do you get married in the first place when you have a friend like scotian

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05-20-2019 06:20 AM
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roberto Offline
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RE: A Guide to Dealing with Divorce
Props for a brutally honest post mate.

They who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety- Benjamin Franklin, as if you didn't know...
05-20-2019 07:29 AM
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RE: A Guide to Dealing with Divorce
One thing that is not discussed is rebounding fast. What I did after my divorce (a few weeks) is get my dick wet with a couple broads than got myself into a ltr (a month later). Move fast. I was so busy with my new ltr that I didn't have time to even think about my ex let alone miss her. The best way to get over someone is on top of someone else.

Please don't like my posts or rep me. I do not wish to be judged by how many rep points and/or likes I have.
05-20-2019 10:55 AM
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Matt Warner Online
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RE: A Guide to Dealing with Divorce
Honest and heartfelt post Kick.

I guess we all have different ideas. My general advice to other guys is think very hard before you admit to a mountain of infidelity stuff. If you must maybe just a little if one thinks there is a chance of getting back by coming clean, but for many guys it could prove extremely unpleasant and expensive if she takes the warpath route and kicks you out anyway.

I do think many people who haven't gone through a divorce, even an amiable one, don't realize how tough it can be. I kind of think another path is to not bother too much about finding other women in the short term, get out and do stuff and if it happens fine if not don't stress. I'm a lot older than you and it worked quite well in that regard for me. I got into my hobbies and spent more time with friends. I even joined meetup on a recommendation from a friend and would recommend it. Just another way of getting out and about.
I know others that had messy divorces, two in particular where the Mrs turned feral what a nightmare for the guys. That's why I caution re admitting too much stuff.
05-20-2019 10:30 PM
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?Kick Offline
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RE: A Guide to Dealing with Divorce
(05-20-2019 05:45 AM)scotian Wrote:  I can confirm that ?Kick’s ex-wife is pretty damn sexy, we’ve been friends for years and I attended the wedding. I was pretty shocked when I heard the news because I thought everything was good but I’m glad to hear that she isn’t being a total cunt about it, she’s a pretty nice girl. So ?Kick, when is the divorce next party? You know I’m down bro!

haha after my self imposed exile/rebirth we need to hit the pavement! Cant wait to get mangled again with old uncle Scotian!

(05-20-2019 10:30 PM)Matt Warner Wrote:  Honest and heartfelt post Kick.

I guess we all have different ideas. My general advice to other guys is think very hard before you admit to a mountain of infidelity stuff. If you must maybe just a little if one thinks there is a chance of getting back by coming clean, but for many guys it could prove extremely unpleasant and expensive if she takes the warpath route and kicks you out anyway.

I do think many people who haven't gone through a divorce, even an amiable one, don't realize how tough it can be. I kind of think another path is to not bother too much about finding other women in the short term, get out and do stuff and if it happens fine if not don't stress. I'm a lot older than you and it worked quite well in that regard for me. I got into my hobbies and spent more time with friends. I even joined meetup on a recommendation from a friend and would recommend it. Just another way of getting out and about.
I know others that had messy divorces, two in particular where the Mrs turned feral what a nightmare for the guys. That's why I caution re admitting too much stuff.

I agree, every circumstance + people involved handle things differently. A few days ago, I thought it was a good idea to have shared everything with my ex and she seemed pretty cool about the path moving forward. After I told her I was spending time with a 20 year old, she lost her shit and is now out for blood. What a disaster.

I've treated this thing the same way someone would treat a "oneitis". As best as I can. It is damn hard to juggle all the emotions of failure, guilt, wanting to make things right and to reconcile.

Also, I don't think jumping into relationships is the right thing to do after a breakup or divorce. There needs to be a period of healing/self-reflection. I've been taking the time to figure out what the hell went wrong and how I can avoid this sort of thing in the future. She was a great girl and I fucked it up. If another comes around, I dont want the same thing to happen again.
05-22-2019 07:17 AM
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