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What are your bounderies and how do you assert them?
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wonderer1 Offline
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What are your bounderies and how do you assert them?
Ive realised im codependent. I had 0 bounderies and I have had a series of toxic relationships. Im working on this and working on bounderies. I now have bounderies for girls I want to have quick sex with, and for LTR's.

What are your bounderies?

Also how do you go about enforcing these. I read that we should be non-reactive, wthdraw our attention or freezeout. I did this in the past but felt it wasnt affective and that it invited to do it again, and that I became a doormat. So what if this doesnt work? What if youre not in constant communication so a freezout isnt even felt. What if the boundry is crossed again? Also how many chances will you give?

Interested in your thoughts.
(This post was last modified: 05-26-2019 11:47 AM by wonderer1.)
05-26-2019 11:47 AM
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Checkmat Offline
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RE: What are your bounderies and how do you assert them?
The most valuable thing you can give a girl is your time and attention. Always be willing to take your ball and go home, as Dante Nero says.

Never bluff. If you lay down a boundary, you must be willing to leave if she doesn’t respect it.

Be a man of your word. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

My last LTR ended because she crossed a boundary that I laid down early in the relationship. Then she tried to cover her tracks and lie about it. Mailed her all of her shit and was done with her instantly.

Always be willing to take the L. This is how you build respect for the person who matters most, YOU.

"There's no such thing as different but equal." -Dante Nero
05-26-2019 12:05 PM
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Jetset Offline
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Post: #3
RE: What are your bounderies and how do you assert them?
What's yours is yours and if she fucks with it, she's out. Never let her volunteer your time or money for anything. Correct her on that kind of shit every time, and even if you would have said "yes" if she had asked, refuse.

If she starts acting shitty while you're taking her somewhere that involves your time and money, don't just go be unhappy. Turn the car around. Anything where you say "I'll let it slide this time" will become gospel that you're supposed to let it slide every time.

Hidey-ho, RVFerinos!
(This post was last modified: 05-26-2019 04:31 PM by Jetset.)
05-26-2019 04:30 PM
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wonderer1 Offline
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RE: What are your bounderies and how do you assert them?
Thanks for the answers but they havent directly answered my questions (what specifically are your bounderies? and how to you assert them?) so ill go through what ive been thinking:

for LTR's bounderies:

• Communicate if you’ve done something wrong – not freeze you out
• Not lie to you
• Must be trust
• Do not go hot and cold on you
• Must not dump baggage on you
• Respond within reasonable amount of time to texts/calls (repeatedly)
• Will not be taken advantage of
• Texting/calling etc will be near 60/40

for when a boundry is crossed my thoughts were the first time to freeze them out for several days. Second time tell them that this is unacceptable, and 3rd time bounce.

Im having a really hard time with this stuff as ive never done it before so could use your input, and also see how you do things.
05-27-2019 07:23 AM
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aeroektar Offline
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Post: #5
RE: What are your bounderies and how do you assert them?
My boundaries are razor thin these days, as soon as they are crossed it's basically over, I move on. When I was 20 and barely had boundaries, I'd let women drag me into all kinds of drama and toxic situations. Fights, drugs, jealousy.

Unless you have a STRONG masculine presence to show you the way growing up, you aren't going to have strong boundaries without experiencing many women and building an abundance mentality. Growing older and having less tolerance for any sort of bullshit probably helps as well, but first you need to learn to take pussy off the pedestal.
05-27-2019 07:57 AM
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Barron Offline
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RE: What are your bounderies and how do you assert them?
(05-27-2019 07:23 AM)wonderer1 Wrote:  for LTR's bounderies:

• Communicate if you’ve done something wrong – not freeze you out
• Not lie to you
• Must be trust
• Do not go hot and cold on you
• Must not dump baggage on you
• Respond within reasonable amount of time to texts/calls (repeatedly)
• Will not be taken advantage of
• Texting/calling etc will be near 60/40

Your first six of eight boundaries strike me as needy.
The seventh and eighth go without saying (as all boundaries should)

A woman can either accept your boundaries or get lost, because the alternative is chaos and break up. Whenever you have to sit her down and discuss something she did that upset you, never EVER do it in anger or with any kind of emotion. Just go cold and simply ask "why?" and when she gives you an answer you proceed to expose her thought processes for the childish hamstering that they are. If she cries it's even better.

Never apologize for being right, never apologize for sticking to your happiness, never apologize for making her cry. Just have sex and you'll both feel better. This is because when sex happens, the female must submit. If you have a rough discussion over some dumb shit she did then have sex after, she is submitting to your frame. This is natural and afterward she'll feel more secure with you firmly in the captain's chair, only now your boundaries will be respected.

two scoops
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05-27-2019 09:19 AM
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wonderer1 Offline
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Post: #7
RE: What are your bounderies and how do you assert them?
(05-27-2019 09:19 AM)Barron Wrote:  
(05-27-2019 07:23 AM)wonderer1 Wrote:  for LTR's bounderies:

• Communicate if you’ve done something wrong – not freeze you out
• Not lie to you
• Must be trust
• Do not go hot and cold on you
• Must not dump baggage on you
• Respond within reasonable amount of time to texts/calls (repeatedly)
• Will not be taken advantage of
• Texting/calling etc will be near 60/40

Your first six of eight boundaries strike me as needy.

Thanks for your response. How are they needy? trust and truthleness? Isnt this what everyone needs in a relationship. also I just got out of a situation with a Narcissist which I based my boudneries on, to protect myself from getting in that situation again. Agree the text/calls one is probably needy and this wouldnt be dismissal but withdrawal of attention.
(This post was last modified: 05-27-2019 09:42 AM by wonderer1.)
05-27-2019 09:40 AM
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Checkmat Offline
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Post: #8
RE: What are your bounderies and how do you assert them?
(05-27-2019 07:23 AM)wonderer1 Wrote:  Thanks for the answers but they havent directly answered my questions (what specifically are your bounderies? and how to you assert them?) so ill go through what ive been thinking:

for LTR's bounderies:

• Communicate if you’ve done something wrong – not freeze you out
• Not lie to you
• Must be trust
• Do not go hot and cold on you
• Must not dump baggage on you
• Respond within reasonable amount of time to texts/calls (repeatedly)
• Will not be taken advantage of
• Texting/calling etc will be near 60/40

The problem with your boundaries isn't just that they are too needy, but that they are not concrete and clear.

What does it mean to "not go hot and cold on you"? Does "not dump baggage on you" mean she can't tell you if she had a bad day at work, or fought with her mom?

What is a "reasonable" mount of time to respond to your texts/calls? What does it mean to YOU not to be "taken advantage of"?

It's one thing to have personal boundaries that you use to screen women before you LTR them. Having good communication skills and being inquisitive, instead of argumentative, is a great criteria to have for an LTR. But you cannot verbalize things like this, you have to just watch and observe how she naturally is. Then you can decide how far to take the relationship (plate, FWB, LTR etc).

I'll tell you the boundaries I laid down in my last LTR:

-No contact with exes
-Do not send pictures of yourself to other guys
-Do not give your # or contact info out to guys that you know are hitting on you or want to fuck you
-Do not hang out with another guy in a one-on-one situation. Group settings are fine.
-If you are going to be late to a date/hangout with me, let me know as soon as you know you're going to be late so that I can adjust my schedule.

I had to lay down the being late boundary because she was REALLY bad about being late and not respecting my time. She improved a LOT in that area.*

But when I found out that she gave her snapchat and phone number to a guy at work who was hitting on her all the time, who was an "asshole" and dating multiple girls, and who she told me she almost asked to join her at a lantern festival one-on-one but knew that I would not want her to. She also lied about giving him her number then admitted it was just for work purposes. Instantly broke up with her after almost a year of dating, mailed back all of her shit and told my family and friends, and RVF, to keep myself accountable.

If I had let her slide on that ^ boundary crossing, I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror. I would have lost tremendous self-respect and she would know that she can essentially get away with anything and that my boundaries are meaningless.

You have to be ready to take the L and walk away. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

*Obviously you won't break up with a girl who you love because she was late to a date, but you have to enforce the boundary in some way. One time she was 30 minutes late and kept me waiting at our meetup location. When she arrived and apologized, I told her that she can either a) buy lunch for us today or b) get her ass fucked or c) both. Pretty sure my lunch was paid for AND I fucked her ass that day.

"There's no such thing as different but equal." -Dante Nero
(This post was last modified: 05-27-2019 11:14 AM by Checkmat.)
05-27-2019 11:11 AM
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