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Why do people sometimes closest to you want you to fail?
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Yeah Right Offline
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Why do people sometimes closest to you want you to fail?
A few years ago I came across a post on rooshv.com over an interesting topic about people wanting you to fail:
https://www.rooshv.com/everyone-is-hopin...youll-fail

I heard an older Tom Leykis show on how friends and family try to hold you back or hope you fail:




Both were good to read/listen to, but it's a strange problem to experience since I've dealt with this a bunch of times in my life. Why really do people closest to you want you to fail or not succeed? Normally with people close to me, I want them to succeed and tell them that. I do fairly well for myself, but it's crazy sometimes how family members, friends, girls close to you want you to never do anything that leads to success.

Examples of this problem:
- People withholding advice, insulting comments
- People telling you not to move or go anywhere
- Being told to change your mind about your ambition
- Being told you're going to fail or not succeed
- Appealing to you to choose the safest course for everything which leads to not carrying out ambition

Some reasons (from aformentioned sources):
- Your ambitions remind themselves of failures, complacency, laziness
- Jealousy or Envy; don't want people to be more successful than you are
- Don't want to be alone or abandoned
- Some form of revenge

My possible additional reasons:
- They're crazy
- They're haters and also toxic people
- Loss of grip of manipulation and being controlled
- Ego gets hurt (similar to not wanting to be left alone or abandoned)


Any additional reasons? Any stories you came across where you had goals or ambitions and had to deal with people who were trying to hold you back or hoped you fail?

EDIT: Saw there was a thread similar to this (People who bring you down when you try to improve yourself: https://www.rooshvforum.com/thread-48910-page-2.html)
(This post was last modified: 07-03-2019 03:37 PM by Yeah Right.)
07-03-2019 03:30 PM
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Lost in Transfiguration Offline
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Post: #2
RE: Why do people sometimes closest to you want you to fail?
It's called tall poppy syndrome. It's very common in a lot of egalitarian countries like Canada Australia new Zealand and Nordic countries for example. I've even noticed this in parts the United States where the population is more homogeneous, like Minnesota. Tall poppy syndrome is the belief that you should never brag talk publicly about your achievements or bring attention to yourself no matter what you've done. If people are rooting for your success is not the case of tall poppy syndrome they're just toxic people and you don't need to be hanging out with them.
07-03-2019 03:48 PM
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Hombre de hielo Offline
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RE: Why do people sometimes closest to you want you to fail?
Sometimes?
07-03-2019 04:52 PM
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Kurgan Offline
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RE: Why do people sometimes closest to you want you to fail?
Insecurity and Jealousy mostly from family members who never had finished college or grad school since I'm in grad school. They were used to just filling in an application, having an interview and getting hired and nothing compared to constant interviews, networking, toxic people. I got opposition from family about grad school but they can't realize how different things are. I keep my mouth shut about it because if something goes wrong, they usually blame it on me when it was other factors.
07-03-2019 08:39 PM
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RawGod Offline
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Post: #5
RE: Why do people sometimes closest to you want you to fail?
Because they have failed and are full of fear, regret and envy. Because they want to retain power and superiority over you.

95% of people over 30 have given up on their dreams and are coping.

Dr Johnson rumbles with the RawGod. And lives to regret it.
07-03-2019 09:01 PM
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flyinghorse Offline
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RE: Why do people sometimes closest to you want you to fail?
As for braggarts - if you're great you don't have to tell people - people will just know.

As for success without bragging - this is for you to enjoy - there will always be losers who wish you to fail so there failures are diluted in the sea of failure.
07-03-2019 09:46 PM
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Montrose Offline
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RE: Why do people sometimes closest to you want you to fail?
I'm going to be the devil's advocate and say that hoping that your friends and family fail is perfectly rational.

The reason is that when you are in a group of people in which one or two are very successful, more successful than you, people tend to admire them, listen to them, obey them, while you look like a loser in comparison. Your girlfriend wants to date them. Studies in monkeys have shown that the less dominant monkeys in the tribe have poor health. The same has been observed in low ranking civil servants (see Kathryn Neckerman, Social Inequality pp547-548 on google books). Thus, being in an environment where people are better than you might be detrimental to your health. By contrast, if you are the most successful in the family, you have that sweet feeling of being the smartest, and your immune system improves. I read somewhere that the best predictor of happiness is being more successful than your father in law. It's a joke, but there is some truth to it.

Additionally, being continually exposed to other people's success reminds you of your own failures and makes you miserable on a daily basis.

Additionally, it's very common for successful men to dump their wife when they become wealthy, so it's rational for a woman to resent her husband's success.
(This post was last modified: 07-04-2019 03:00 AM by Montrose.)
07-04-2019 02:48 AM
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MichaelWitcoff Offline
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RE: Why do people sometimes closest to you want you to fail?
Because if you succeed, then it demonstrates to them that their own failure was a choice. All their woe-is-me victim whining gets exposed as the nonsense that it is. So to protect their own egos from having to face their own delusion, they subconsciously hope nobody else succeeds either. Then they can look at your failure afterward and validate their own, thinking "yep, I knew it - success isn't possible. It's not my fault that I haven't succeeded, since nobody else does either."

Return Of Kings contributor and best-selling author of "On The Mason And Their Lies."
07-04-2019 03:01 AM
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RE: Why do people sometimes closest to you want you to fail?
Envy has always existed - defined not by a desire for what the other has, but for him to not have it at all. Misery loves company.

But I do think the modern age has heightened this by removing the knowledge that good things come from the grace of God. Everyone likes to think that the good things they have in life are the result of their effort or intelligence, but I don't think that's the case. Obviously effort and intelligence are important - but it isn't a 1:1 relation. Sometimes intelligent people make stupid decisions, and efforts don't yield any fruit.

Equally important is that what we deem as success and benefit is not necessarily what God deems successful and beneficial. So many people envy movie starts only because they don't realize how destructive to the soul that life is - by wishing them to fail, maybe they are wishing them to have happier lives.

«Spring brings cherry blossoms to comfort you, the summer stars, the harvest moon in fall, and the powdered snow in winter. All of these things, and the promise of them, is what makes sake taste so good. If the taste is bad, it comes from you.»

Seijuro Hiko
07-04-2019 04:02 AM
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GT777733 Offline
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RE: Why do people sometimes closest to you want you to fail?
There can be many reasons

It's one of the many many red pills you just have to swallow in life

Gradually cut your time spent on negative people - they will either change to meet you where you are at, or they will stay the same and you'll drift apart

Possibly one of the most painful lessons you'll learn in life apart from death and breakups of valued relationships, is that you can be powerless to help those who mean the most to you change for the better. Sometimes you have to just let people go
07-04-2019 07:35 AM
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MrDoe Offline
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RE: Why do people sometimes closest to you want you to fail?
In my experience, I think it has something to do with the idea of "Misery loves company". Those who have experienced failures, shortcomings etc. don't want to be the only person with failure or less competency.

I really began to notice this concept/idea while serving in my country's military. Towards the end of my contract, I came to the conclusion that I was not going to stay in and move on to pursue other things. When I made it known that I did not wish to reenlist, much of my leadership basically "shit listed" me even though I had been a good service member with a successful (yet relatively short 5-year) career. This wasn't on an individual basis, but all the guys who decided to get out were shit listed.

After thinking about why leadership would treat those who wished to get out of the military poorly, I eventually came to the conclusion that it had something to do with the idea that they might have thought "I'm miserable in the military, but I stayed in and toughed it out...oh this guy isn't making the same decision as me to stay in; he's wrong and a shit bag".

I think this general idea could also have something to do with the idea that when someone is successful and competent those near him who are less successful/competent feel as though they have less power and threatened.
(This post was last modified: 07-06-2019 03:42 PM by MrDoe.)
07-06-2019 03:40 PM
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JiggyLordJr Offline
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RE: Why do people sometimes closest to you want you to fail?
Crabs in a bucket mentality
07-07-2019 12:38 AM
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RWIsrael Offline
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Post: #13
RE: Why do people sometimes closest to you want you to fail?
It's not always malicious, people, even your parents, may be keeping you down even with good intentions.
They may think what you're trying to do is impossible or dangerous or too ambitious (in their world view) and they may want you to live as they themselves have been living - status quo, relative safety and comfort with no risk or drama.
They may truly believe that is actually good for you. A loving Mom would keep her baby sheltered in her womb if she could, even if he is fully grown.
You just have to grow past that and become your own man.

Other times people are just comfortable with the status quo where they are above you (socially, financially) or have placed you in a "box" of how you should be treated (the cool guy, the shy guy, the boring guy), and you trying to change yourself takes them out of their comfort zone and might shake up their social status and attitude, so the most convenient course of action is to try to avoid the change by not letting you do it.

But yes, sometimes people are just jealous and petty.
(This post was last modified: 07-07-2019 01:36 AM by RWIsrael.)
07-07-2019 01:35 AM
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RE: Why do people sometimes closest to you want you to fail?
(07-04-2019 02:48 AM)Montrose Wrote:  Additionally, it's very common for successful men to dump their wife when they become wealthy, so it's rational for a woman to resent her husband's success.

Holy shit, this just brought back a memory of an early morning shit-test from my wife.
It was Casual Dress Friday at work so I was going to work with a very nice looking slim fit shirt and jeans (the kind I might have gone on dates with right after gym) feeling all sexy.

When the little wifey saw that she immediately acted up trying to pass it off as "this shirt is TOO casual, you shouldn't wear it, people will not appreciate it, I'm doing this FOR YOU!" lol Angel
Typical jealous woman behaviour, not trying to put me down, but definitely trying to keep me in line and away from accidentally attracting other bitches.

When I just blew her off and kept wearing the shirt she got really pissy about it so I knew I was doing something right.
I'm not into dread game but a bit of jealousy is good for the relationship, and wives need to hear NO from time to time just because Whip
07-07-2019 01:49 AM
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Sandstorm Offline
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RE: Why do people sometimes closest to you want you to fail?
It depends on your individual circumstances and the types of friends you keep but.. in my case, it was people not believing me. So I would say, "I want to do X" and they would say "OK, sure, you'll never do that"

They only know you for who you have been up to that point in time. That's why they are friends with you in the first place, because who you are is someone they relate to and can understand and gel with. If you say you are going to change and become some successful person, why would they believe that? They've never seen it. They've only heard the words.

I found that after many years of this, it literally IS impossible to change when you're surrounded by this constant forcefield of negativity. I had to cut pretty much ALL my old friends off in one go and move to another country to get things going.

Then I realized it's not only how your friends see you, but how you see yourself! We all live in little boxes that define what we believe is possible for our own lives.

Without real world tangible results, it's very difficult to truly believe you will achieve the things you want to. This is why it's good to surround yourself with people who were once in the same position as you, but DID achieve success. It's proof it can be done. If you stick around old friends who never even try because "that's what other people do, not us" it's going to be damn near impossible.

So in conclusion, my experience has been it's not so much about jealously, it's about limiting beliefs. They simple don't believe you are capable of change, because they do not believe for one second they are capable of change either.

"Misery loves company" describes it well in a sense.

Best thing to do, is to venture off into the great unknown on your own, work hard, meet others along the way who are doing the same thing and slowly change your internal dialogue.

Then, one day, you can return home to your friends (if you even want) and simply BE the new person. Not tell them how you WANT to be, just be. You may find they are so small-minded in comparison to who you have become that actually, you can't even relate to them meaningfully anymore anyway.

THis is the price of breaking free and making success.

L:162 F:20 V:9 A:6 3S:1

"Tolerance and apathy are the last virtues of a dying society"
07-07-2019 05:07 AM
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xander Offline
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RE: Why do people sometimes closest to you want you to fail?
Those are bad people. just not consider them as a closest friend or family.
07-08-2019 06:31 PM
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