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I feel smothered in my relationship
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Winston Wolfe Offline
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Post: #26
RE: I feel smothered in my relationship
(07-12-2019 08:13 AM)Terneuzen Wrote:  1) I want to have kids and believe that the sooner I have them, the better for me and them. Having kids at younger age means lower risk of complications and diseases for kids. Besides this young age means that we have more energy and balls to shape young human beings. The older we are, the more risk averse and overprotective we become and this is not a role for a father, but grandparents. I am lucky enough to have tons of energy at the age of 31 and feel like I am wasting it only on work-related matters, sports and entertainment.

2) My current girlfriend seems to be a good candidate for a mother – breaking up with her can have the following consequences:

a. I may not be able to find another good girl like her and I may be seeing some serious flaws in all new acquaintances, which means that my plan to have a family and kids will not materialize. Or alternatively I will have kids with multiple, average women and will feel sorry for my kids to have such mothers. Not to mention that in this scenario my contact with kids will be very limited.
b. Finding the right girl can take a lot of time and we all know that maintaining certain level of attractiveness requires a lot of time. I am 31 now and I fear that I get too old before I meet a suitable candidate for having kids. My target is under 25 and they usually prefer guys that are younger than 30, max 35 – at least this is what they say…
c. Prolonging the decision to have kids increases the risk of unpredictable accidents and diseases that can make me unable to pass my genes on.

I can resonate with this very much. I am also in my early 30s and would like to have kids sooner rather than later, mostly for similar reasons you stated. I do not want to be in my 40s and not have kids yet.

You (and I) do need to remember though, that purely from a biological perspective, it should be no problem having kids in your 40s and 50s. So objectively speaking we do have a lot of time still.

Though from a practical point of view, I agree with you 100%. I think having kids somewhere between 30 and 35 would be ideal.

Ultimately I do think it would be the wrong decision to stay with this girl only because you want kids and think you're running out of time. Maybe living a single life having some fun for a while would be good to get it out of your system, and then give it another go.
07-20-2019 02:06 PM
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Bienvenuto, Terneuzen
Bill Oreilly Offline
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Post: #27
RE: I feel smothered in my relationship
Solution is very simple, you need to cheat on her as much as you like and make sure she never finds out. It really is that simple.
07-29-2019 09:11 PM
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Terneuzen, John Dodds
Terneuzen Offline
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Post: #28
RE: I feel smothered in my relationship
Things got more complicated since the creation of that thread – we have had a major argument 1,5 week ago and since then we do not consider being together anymore. But the reality is that we still live together until she finds a new place for herself. Our current apartment – although she loves it and furnished it the way she wanted – is too expensive for her to stay in. I do not like the idea paying so much either, so if we definitely decide to break up I will leave the apartment and search for a new tenant, because we are renting it.

During the last argument she blamed me for meeting other girls (not true) and not prioritizing her. She feels unloved and neglected, which should be no surprise for her, because I gradually became more and more withdrawn with my feelings towards her due to her jealousy, not listening to what I say and misinterpreting my words. I also had an access to her messages on social media and I could see that she was complaining about me to her family female friends and exaggerating stories from our relationship to show me in a bad light.

I told her that I know that she gives me a bad name, but I did not reveal the source of my knowledge. I also told her that she should not be with a guy that will never want to see her family and most of her friends again because of what they told her about me. Their conclusion is that I am a toxic, abusive bad boy that she always had weakness for and that I will ruin her life. She repeatedly told them that she loves me, but I believe it’s because I give her emotions and I am a good candidate for a family provider.

The breakup clear step backward for both of us, because we wanted to have children now. Luckily or not, we have not decided to have them yet due to our frequent arguments and misunderstandings. Now it would take a lot of time to heal the wounds made during this quasi-breakup and I do not believe it is worth giving ourselves a second chance. What do you think?
07-30-2019 03:32 AM
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Bienvenuto Offline
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Post: #29
RE: I feel smothered in my relationship
One day you will be looking back on this with utter relief.

Right now its a nightmare.

But forget about the window for having kids for now. You had an ideal world plan like most women do with their romance novels.
They end up as cat-ladies because no resources, strength, initiative..
You are built differently and so you can adapt.

She has a real "window of time." You don't.

In this imperfect world you having kids in THIS window of time that you areboth now living in would be a disaster.

Its hard now.. it will get better.

And don't listen to her "toxic" whingeing and complaining. "YOU have to fix it. YOU have to make it right. YOU are in the wrong."
She likes to put all the blame and responsibility - out there, on other people.

There are more women and relationships and good potential mothers out there than you can possibly ever experience in one lifetime.

I repeat. You will look back on this and breathe a sigh of relief.
07-30-2019 04:20 AM
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Terneuzen
Terneuzen Offline
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Post: #30
RE: I feel smothered in my relationship
(07-30-2019 04:20 AM)Bienvenuto Wrote:  One day you will be looking back on this with utter relief.

Perhaps yes, but at this moment I feel anxious that my attractiveness will be on a declining trajectory and I will not find another woman that ticks as many boxes as she does. And I feel annoyed that I will have to pay 100% of the rent, which is almost 2k USD per month instead of paying half - I can afford that, but my plan was to save and invest that money so that I can have more freedom than I had in my poor 20s. The rental market in Luxembourg is ridiculously overpriced and my contract is valid until October 2020, it is going to be difficult to opt out. Perhaps finding a replacement can be an option, but this will still cost a lot in terms of agency fees and operational costs. I try to look at the situation also from a pragmatic point of view, because turning to be a pragmatic man made me an attractive male couple of years ago.
(This post was last modified: 07-30-2019 06:36 AM by Terneuzen.)
07-30-2019 06:34 AM
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John Dodds Offline
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Post: #31
RE: I feel smothered in my relationship
(07-30-2019 03:32 AM)Terneuzen Wrote:  I also had an access to her messages on social media and I could see that she was complaining about me to her family female friends and exaggerating stories from our relationship to show me in a bad light.

Careful there dude, she's establishing a public history of domestic violence, next step is her calling the police "he hit me"
Then you'll be out of the apartment, but still paying for it.

Once they start badmouthing you to other people, it's time to get rid, there's no turning back.
"Thou shalt not bare false witness" (God)
(This post was last modified: 07-30-2019 09:22 PM by John Dodds.)
07-30-2019 09:19 PM
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