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The No More Adultery Thread
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wwtl Offline
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Post: #51
RE: The No More Adultery Thread
(10-13-2019 08:12 AM)Going strong Wrote:  
(10-13-2019 07:59 AM)Polniy_Sostav Wrote:  A quick update,

6) I ve kept only one girl to have contact with (and not so regular). I called her and told her that we are friends , but should her husband or my wife pass away (both ) , we would switch from friendship to official relationship/wedding. She agreed...

Seriously? You actually told her that? Confused

That's the reason why traditionally remarriage isn't supposed to happen.

Quote:Half of the things I, as a Single dude, read on this thread, make marriage look depressing in my eyes. Could someone please post positive, light-hearted and agreeable things, about marriage? Or is it all about sacrifice, suffering, and being a glorified "fierce guard dog"?

It's about your personal vocation:
Quote:I will always remember the words of an orthodox priest (although I am Catholic) who said that wedding[marriage] is the union of a man and a woman with God

The primary purpose of this union is raising God's children.

The most notable effect is this is growing pleasure-seeking girls and boys into well-adjusted adults. There are a few who can reach this in celibacy, but for most humans going through the process is the only way to get there.

So the best way to view marriage with children is as being the most powerful and rewarding self-improvement program on this planet. And as with any other one there is no reward without putting in work first.

Striving for a successful marriage under God is essentially combining the goals of all three RVF sub-forums into one universal solution, lead a healthy life and end up in a healthy society as a result.
10-13-2019 09:59 AM
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bucky Offline
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Post: #52
RE: The No More Adultery Thread
(10-13-2019 09:51 AM)Dr. Howard Wrote:  
(10-13-2019 09:32 AM)bucky Wrote:  
(10-13-2019 08:12 AM)Going strong Wrote:  
(10-13-2019 07:59 AM)Polniy_Sostav Wrote:  A quick update,

6) I ve kept only one girl to have contact with (and not so regular). I called her and told her that we are friends , but should her husband or my wife pass away (both ) , we would switch from friendship to official relationship/wedding. She agreed...

Seriously? You actually told her that? Confused

Half of the things I, as a Single dude, read on this thread, make marriage look depressing in my eyes. Could someone please post positive, light-hearted and agreeable things, about marriage? Or is it all about sacrifice, suffering, and being a glorified "fierce guard dog"?

My father and grandfather seemed to have fun in life and marriage, though, but it was when men were still confident and wealthy Kings, and women were almost all pretty, thin, untattooed, and reasonably obedient. Nowadays, I believe marriage can only be sustainable with non-first World, traditional and somewhat humble women. Unless one is a multi millionnaire super Alpha man.

I'm happily married with kids. I would never behave as OP has toward his wife, including trying to be "just friends" with a side piece that he obviously wants to bang. Admirable that he's trying to be a loyal husband, but he still has a long way to go. My rule of thumb with women I want to nail is don't talk to them.

I notice other girls checking me out from time to time. It's nice for my ego, but I never take it further than that. Anything else is a slippery slope where I risk hurting my children and my wife and potentially destroying my family, and my family is by far the most precious thing in my life. My wife is a wonderful, loyal woman and deserves better. To be honest, she is from south of the border and generally exponentially better wife material than your typical American woman. You might be right about white girls being a lost cause. It's not easy for single guys out there who want what I have.

The judgement on this thread is strong. I have been in the poster's shoes before in my first marriage.

An adulterous relationship, especially with another woman who is married is like crack cocaine.

You and the other woman form a strong bond because you are "co-conspirators" against the world, and "no one understands you". Its like teenagers vs. their parents. You see all of the positives about your fornication partner, and you both complain about your spouses and see all of their negatives, because it justifies what you are doing. You see the other person only in secret, and communicate in secret and so your relationship exists in a bubble of isolated anti-reality that the two of you prop up. Because there are no outside influences it becomes the 'perfect' relationship. You meet, you fornicate, you spend the time not fornicating planning about how to fornicate again, how 'no one understands your relationship' and your spouses are terrible.

However, there is only one way to stop, that is to cease all contact with this other woman. In my case, we got caught and STILL kept contacting each other. The thing that helped me end it, and cut things off with her was when I was divorced and single, and she was still married I could see how I was enabling her to damage her family and husband. I did not care about my own spouse, but her husband was an innocent party. Like anything with a woman, it is your job as a man to lead the way and make the right choices for yourself and for her.

Don't make any contingency plans with her, explain that you can't poison the marriages anymore and no one is going to move forward if the two of you have any contact.

I stand by my judgement of OPs efforts. They are not enough. If you're even in touch with a side piece, you're not really serious about being faithful. Even worse if you're telling her you'd like to be with her if only your wife would hurry up and die.

I only take things as far as noticing when other women express interest and even then, the satisfaction and pride I feel when that happens is likely sinful and dangerous.

Feminism in ten words: "Stop objectifying women! Can't you see I've hit the wall?" -Leonard D Neubache
10-13-2019 10:03 AM
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loremipsum Offline
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Post: #53
RE: The No More Adultery Thread
Whos to say that if OPs wife indeed died and he gets to marry his co-conspirator, that there wouldnt appear a new man who gets to co-conspirate now with OPs wife?
Heard that story countless of times.
10-13-2019 10:27 AM
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Polniy_Sostav Offline
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RE: The No More Adultery Thread
Not sure if i was clear , but I have cut every contact with my "co-conspirator" and other uninteresting women.

The woman I am motioning is a friend for 10+ years ,is married and have kids , and we have never had any sort of romance. We are just in very good terms. I know her secrets , and she knows mine. She also had the same issues than me , adultery with another man (but not with me) and has stopped ( her words) for a few years. She is a devout orthodox and tries to be a good person. So we are a bit in the same "mindframe".

The rather grotesque idea to remarry if our husband/wife die is some sort of deliberate sabotage act , to kill any possibility of romance. But I do not want to go further and cut every contact with her as I value her as a person and as a "friend".

On a personal level , it s a big effort for me to move from 20+ female contacts , to just 1 "reliable" one in 2-3 months. Because besides my phone , I do not allow myself many chit-chats beyond the usual politeness with women in real life , not to be tempted.
(This post was last modified: 10-13-2019 10:43 AM by Polniy_Sostav.)
10-13-2019 10:40 AM
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Oberrheiner Offline
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Post: #55
RE: The No More Adultery Thread
I find it funny for a married man to search for any female company honestly.
What is there to be gained ?

Your wife should be the one you confide your doubts and insecurities in, as well as your plans and successes.
What would you then tell your bff ?
10-13-2019 10:46 AM
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bucky Offline
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Post: #56
RE: The No More Adultery Thread
(10-13-2019 10:40 AM)Polniy_Sostav Wrote:  Not sure if i was clear , but I have cut every contact with my "co-conspirator" and other uninteresting women.

The woman I am motioning is a friend for 10+ years ,is married and have kids , and we have never had any sort of romance. We are just in very good terms. I know her secrets , and she knows mine. She also had the same issues than me , adultery with another man (but not with me) and has stopped ( her words) for a few years. She is a devout orthodox and tries to be a good person. So we are a bit in the same "mindframe".

The rather grotesque idea to remarry if our husband/wife die is some sort of deliberate sabotage act , to kill any possibility of romance. But I do not want to go further and cut every contact with her as I value her as a person and as a "friend".

On a personal level , it s a big effort for me to move from 20+ female contacts , to just 1 "reliable" one in 2-3 months. Because besides my phone , I do not allow myself many chit-chats beyond the usual politeness with women in real life , not to be tempted.

I don't want to be overly critical of you and of course it's not my opinion that matters, it's God's. That said, as harsh as it might seem, I imagine it would be best for you to cut this female "friend" out of your life.

I speak from experience. Although not exactly the same as your situation, I found myself involved in something similar years ago when I was still single. I met a beautiful married Russian girl who worked at a cafe I like. She was instantly interested in being friends with me because, in her words, I was the only American she'd ever met who speaks Russian well enough to have a real conversation, whereas her husband (also American) never tried to learn the language and had no interest in Russian culture. Since I was a godless agnostic at the time and in the US men and women being friends is considered normal, even if one or both are married, I pursued the friendship and we became quite attached to each other. For years I'd go visit her at the cafe and we'd talk for hours. I told myself it was all just friendship and Russian practice but I'd sometimes find myself daydreaming about what would happen if she left her husband or something happened to him. Now I recognize those thoughts as Satan whispering to me, trying to get me to fall into serious, deadly sin, but at the time I rationalized it as just wanting a good friend. Fortunately nothing ever happened between her and me and we're out of touch now, but it could have easily gone beyond "friendship."

Anyway, good luck.

Feminism in ten words: "Stop objectifying women! Can't you see I've hit the wall?" -Leonard D Neubache
10-13-2019 01:30 PM
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Going strong Offline
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Post: #57
RE: The No More Adultery Thread
(10-13-2019 10:46 AM)Oberrheiner Wrote:  I find it funny for a married man to search for any female company honestly.
What is there to be gained ?

Your wife should be the one you confide your doubts and insecurities in, as well as your plans and successes.
What would you then tell your bff ?

I've never been married, but I certainly never "confided insecurities" in or with any of my LTRs.

Similarly I've never heard my father or grandfather utter any word about "insecurity" in front of their wives or children. Never have I heard an adult male member of my family confess weakness or insecurity in front of women, matter of fact.

Even in intimacy, reportedly, these men never complained or showed weak will. I've been told by my mother that, in 35 years of marriage, only once did my father told her he was tired and fed up, and it was on his deathbed one day before leaving this Earth. Men of past generations, if and when you heard them say they were tired or "feeling weak", it was because they actually were dying.

So, well, end of rant, but my advice to high quality young men would be: Never tell your woman or gf that you feel doubt or insecurity or weaknesses, except maybe when you're overcome by physical pain (and even then, know that well-educated, past generations men, never complained about moderate to relatively intense physical suffering).
10-13-2019 02:28 PM
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Polniy_Sostav Offline
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RE: The No More Adultery Thread
Going strong ; I am not very talkative by nature and do try not to show weakness . But each time I have had a real heavy problem ; my wife was the only one I could trust and rely on 100%.
(This post was last modified: 10-13-2019 02:34 PM by Polniy_Sostav.)
10-13-2019 02:34 PM
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wwtl Offline
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Post: #59
RE: The No More Adultery Thread
(10-13-2019 01:30 PM)bucky Wrote:  
(10-13-2019 10:40 AM)Polniy_Sostav Wrote:  Not sure if i was clear , but I have cut every contact with my "co-conspirator" and other uninteresting women.

The woman I am motioning is a friend for 10+ years ,is married and have kids , and we have never had any sort of romance. We are just in very good terms. I know her secrets , and she knows mine. She also had the same issues than me , adultery with another man (but not with me) and has stopped ( her words) for a few years. She is a devout orthodox and tries to be a good person. So we are a bit in the same "mindframe".

The rather grotesque idea to remarry if our husband/wife die is some sort of deliberate sabotage act , to kill any possibility of romance. But I do not want to go further and cut every contact with her as I value her as a person and as a "friend".

On a personal level , it s a big effort for me to move from 20+ female contacts , to just 1 "reliable" one in 2-3 months. Because besides my phone , I do not allow myself many chit-chats beyond the usual politeness with women in real life , not to be tempted.

I don't want to be overly critical of you and of course it's not my opinion that matters, it's God's. That said, as harsh as it might seem, I imagine it would be best for you to cut this female "friend" out of your life.

I speak from experience. Although not exactly the same as your situation, I found myself involved in something similar years ago when I was still single. I met a beautiful married Russian girl who worked at a cafe I like. She was instantly interested in being friends with me because, in her words, I was the only American she'd ever met who speaks Russian well enough to have a real conversation, whereas her husband (also American) never tried to learn the language and had no interest in Russian culture. Since I was a godless agnostic at the time and in the US men and women being friends is considered normal, even if one or both are married, I pursued the friendship and we became quite attached to each other. For years I'd go visit her at the cafe and we'd talk for hours. I told myself it was all just friendship and Russian practice but I'd sometimes find myself daydreaming about what would happen if she left her husband or something happened to him. Now I recognize those thoughts as Satan whispering to me, trying to get me to fall into serious, deadly sin, but at the time I rationalized it as just wanting a good friend. Fortunately nothing ever happened between her and me and we're out of touch now, but it could have easily gone beyond "friendship."

Anyway, good luck.

You can ask any marriage counselor how side pieces with mutual affection work out: It always ends in disaster - without exception.

(10-13-2019 02:28 PM)Going strong Wrote:  
(10-13-2019 10:46 AM)Oberrheiner Wrote:  I find it funny for a married man to search for any female company honestly.
What is there to be gained ?

Your wife should be the one you confide your doubts and insecurities in, as well as your plans and successes.
What would you then tell your bff ?

I've never been married, but I certainly never "confided insecurities" in or with any of my LTRs.

Similarly I've never heard my father or grandfather utter any word about "insecurity" in front of their wives or children. Never have I heard an adult male member of my family confess weakness or insecurity in front of women, matter of fact.

Even in intimacy, reportedly, these men never complained or showed weak will. I've been told by my mother that, in 35 years of marriage, only once did my father told her he was tired and fed up, and it was on his deathbed one day before leaving this Earth. Men of past generations, if and when you heard them say they were tired or "feeling weak", it was because they actually were dying.

So, well, end of rant, but my advice to high quality young men would be: Never tell your woman or gf that you feel doubt or insecurity or weaknesses, except maybe when you're overcome by physical pain (and even then, know that well-educated, past generations men, never complained about moderate to relatively intense physical suffering).

Turning the husband-wife relationship upside down into a mother-child relationship doesn't work. A girl tests a man for father qualities by behaving like a child, not by behaving like a mother to the man. If the man decides to behave like a child, the relationship is over.

There is a big advantage of being a Christian man: While you should never tell a girl that you are unsure how to navigate some problem, you can always tell her that you fully trust in the Lord and she should as well. I found that is actually reassuring her and strengthening her faith at the same time. Only feminists get absolutely confused by it.
10-13-2019 04:20 PM
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Geomann180 Offline
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Post: #60
RE: The No More Adultery Thread
I highly commend the OP for this. I've been moving in this direction since I realized how cheating undermines relationships, specifically ones I don't in fact want to die out, and do so in a way that I don't see until the damage is done.

G
10-31-2019 12:19 PM
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