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Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
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Vladimir Poontang Offline
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Post: #1
Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
I've heard people say that cohabiting before marriage is a bad idea. I don't understand why that would be. It seems to me that if you live with someone for a certain time you can get to know things about them that would otherwise come as a surprise. But I may be wrong. If so I'd like to be enlightened.

What are the pros and cons of cohabiting, and of not doing so?

I'm writing this as I watch this : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB1ttLswqOw

That's not how we do things in Russia, comrade.

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(This post was last modified: 09-15-2019 03:27 PM by Vladimir Poontang.)
09-15-2019 03:06 PM
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Nulled Offline
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RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
Interesting video, but yeah...

If you can't stand living with the bitch before you tie that knot, good luck afterwards!

Side note: Why are all these Western Women so surprised when the older generation expects them to get married like NORMAL mothers do?

"Omg becky, I'm so pissed that I have to stop getting wasted every weekend."
(This post was last modified: 09-15-2019 03:26 PM by Nulled.)
09-15-2019 03:25 PM
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Eazy_E Offline
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Post: #3
RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
Frankly, you gotta be diseased in the head to not cohabitate before marriage. What if your future long time girl is actually nuttier than a shit house rat? Anybody can hide it if you only see them a few hours a week dating. Live with her a while and then see how consistent she is, but of course that's on the assumption you can see the red flags and you're not blinded by the almighty glow of the sugar walls.

The Asian one, her "job" is socal media influencer, dancer (the fuck is that, exotic? Doubtful it's ballet), and video gamer. Talk about break your mother's heart, especially in that community. Mamma-san didn't float over here on a boat made of garbage for that, plus her daughter is "modern" and won't even give her some grand babies? I feel bad for her mother.
(This post was last modified: 09-15-2019 03:29 PM by Eazy_E.)
09-15-2019 03:25 PM
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Post: #4
RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
There are three aspects to this

1)Judical - is cohabitation bounding you before law in some way in your country or not. This is country dependent so see your laws.


2)Psychological - how it affects the future perspective of your lives and chances of successful marriage. First of all you should be already 90% sure she is right for marriage before cohabiting. So there should be not much issues left to make sure about her. Of course some things can get revealed only with closer contact. Is she attractive enough without makeup, does she loves domestic chores, can you manage money and free time together, does she give you enough space? I would say you must cohabit but make that cohabitation period short, like under one year. You must decide during one year if she is good for you or not. Risk is you stay longer with her out of convenience, then marry her out of convenience while not really happy and miss something better, you should avoid that. Basically cohabitation is the practical form of engagement when you are already planning marriage.

3)Religious - for people who do not want to look at psychological aspect and rely on priests to provide it for them as a religious rule. This priestly advice can be well meaning but sometimes not keeping up with the times. Religious advice says you should not cohabit before marriage but these rules were written in much better times when when social morals were high - a women would never be living alone. She lives with parents when single and with husband when married. At worst she would live in all female dorm where an old lady would watch them them to come home by ten o'clock evening. This advice is not working these days because in old times the whole society worked to make it easy for the girl to guard her virginity. Since in this age society makes it easy for girl to walk around and slut around - the sooner you take her under your wing the better. Do not let her live alone and be dragged to late parties by girlfriends for too long. Also please note that cohabitation can be separated from sexual intercourse if you care about being chaste before marriage. Of course it takes some willpower, but again - you have a better chance keeping her faithful under your wing then living alone. However keep the cohabitation short or she will start seeing you as an asexual brother or girlfriend if you live with her too long without sex.

Summary - absent some laws that might twist all of this - do cohabit, but only with a girl who has no red flags and you would probably marry anyway, and keep it short, in one year's time maximum you should split up or marry. Have sex during cohabitation or not based on your religious views and willpower.
(This post was last modified: 09-15-2019 03:41 PM by Mage.)
09-15-2019 03:27 PM
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Athanasius Offline
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RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
There have been multiple studies linking cohabitation aka. "trying out the car before you buy it" to higher rates of divorce. Regardless of that, though, it's fornication in the Scripture, and those who do such things without repentance will not inherit the kingdom of heaven.
09-15-2019 03:29 PM
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Nulled Offline
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Post: #6
RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
(09-15-2019 03:25 PM)Eazy_E Wrote:  The Asian one, her "job" is socal media influencer, dancer (the fuck is that, exotic? Doubtful it's ballet), and video gamer. Talk about break your mother's heart, especially in that community. Mamma-san didn't float over here on a boat made of garbage for that, plus her daughter is "modern" and won't even give her some grand babies? I feel bad for her mother.

For real. Dumbass American women of all races have no idea how much of a genetic failure they are.
09-15-2019 03:31 PM
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RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
I got respect for recent immigrants. I know a few and they're all pretty good people. The sacrifices they make for the purpose of giving their kids a better life are frankly almost more than I can imagine. Vietnamese or Hmong who lived thru the war had it about as bad as you can and still come out the other end and it was all for the next generation, and there you are, parents damn near died for you, being a stripper and hustling simps on Patreon. Fucks sake.
09-15-2019 03:43 PM
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Robert High Hawk Offline
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Post: #8
RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
I am against it. Cultures that don't encourage this are much more stable because there is the common understanding you'll make it work out one way or the other and you both don't have diluted senses of "happiness". Plus women that don't agree to this are more traditional to begin with.
09-15-2019 04:09 PM
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mr_ks Offline
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Post: #9
RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
Cohabiting seems more like female behaviour, uncertain, lacking commitment, lack of direction and assertiveness.
09-15-2019 04:22 PM
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Mage Offline
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Post: #10
RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
(09-15-2019 04:22 PM)mr_ks Wrote:  Cohabiting seems more like female behaviour, uncertain, lacking commitment, lack of direction and assertiveness.

takes two to cohabit.
09-15-2019 04:30 PM
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Athanasius Offline
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RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
This video can be summed up with the refrain from the book of Judges: "every man did what was right in his own eyes." This type of brain dead, lawless generation is the result of bad parenting and endless propaganda in place of education. I didn't hear any signs of breaking outside the box, just propaganda.

Which leads to another question: is this even real? It has the feel of semi-scripted propaganda. It may sound cynical but I've been watching variations of this stuff for 25 years.
(This post was last modified: 09-15-2019 04:32 PM by Athanasius.)
09-15-2019 04:30 PM
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RIslander Offline
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Post: #12
RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
This is probably some of the best pre-marriage relationship advice I've ever heard from good 'ol Bill Murray.




“There is no global anthem, no global currency, no certificate of global citizenship. We pledge allegiance to one flag, and that flag is the American flag!” -DJT
09-15-2019 04:52 PM
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Spectrumwalker Offline
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RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
No. 1000x No! Terrible idea. It's my one regret in life. If I could go back in time I would beat the living fuck out of myself within an inch of my life. Such a collosal waste of time. Had a live in girlfriend for awhile in my old life when I was young dumb and full of cum. Now I'm just not as dumb. Well, living together, you two can become pretty invested in one another. Then when shit starts to go South and your guts telling you to run, your little brain starts hamstering all these reasons to stay together and fight it out because you bought that couch together or some asinine excuse that seems rational at the time. Why sacrifice your bachelorhood and your precious personal space and freedom for a broad you ain't legally bound to. Hold on to that as long as you can. You can't put a price on mental health. When you're with enough of girls and decide to marry one day by then you should be able to tell who's gonna go nuts and who isn't. If not, I don't know what to tell ya, except get a prenup and God be with you. Plus, living together after marriage gives you something to look forward to and it's the right way to do it. Savor a little bit of tradition in a confused and untraditional world.

Dreams are like horses; they run wild on the earth. Catch one and ride it. Throw a leg over and ride it for all its worth.
Psalm 25:7
https://youtu.be/vHVoMCH10Wk
(This post was last modified: 09-15-2019 05:51 PM by Spectrumwalker.)
09-15-2019 05:50 PM
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Post: #14
RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
Pro: Cohabiting will make you rethink marriage. With any luck, you'll reconsider.

Con: Jesus will get upset. It reduces your chance of a healthy marriage. But so does the entirety of our culture, including most church groups.
(This post was last modified: 09-15-2019 05:58 PM by Captainstabbin.)
09-15-2019 05:56 PM
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Robert High Hawk Offline
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RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
^Spectrumwalker nailed it.
09-15-2019 05:57 PM
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Vladimir Poontang Offline
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RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
(09-15-2019 05:50 PM)Spectrumwalker Wrote:  No. 1000x No! Terrible idea. It's my one regret in life. If I could go back in time I would beat the living fuck out of myself within an inch of my life. Such a collosal waste of time. Had a live in girlfriend for awhile in my old life when I was young dumb and full of cum. Now I'm just not as dumb. Well, living together, you two can become pretty invested in one another. Then when shit starts to go South and your guts telling you to run, your little brain starts hamstering all these reasons to stay together and fight it out because you bought that couch together or some asinine excuse that seems rational at the time. Why sacrifice your bachelorhood and your precious personal space and freedom for a broad you ain't legally bound to. Hold on to that as long as you can. You can't put a price on mental health. When you're with enough of girls and decide to marry one day by then you should be able to tell who's gonna go nuts and who isn't. If not, I don't know what to tell ya, except get a prenup and God be with you. Plus, living together after marriage gives you something to look forward to and it's the right way to do it. Savor a little bit of tradition in a confused and untraditional world.

I see what you mean, but what if you're with a girl, you've never known what she's like to live with day after day, then you get married and live with her? Isn't it better to see what she's like to live with, and then at least it's up to you to put a stop to it if she turns out to be a nightmare? If you just jump in and get married and live with her you don't know what you're in for, and then if she's horrible you have to get divorced and go through all that. By being married, you're even more invested.

That's not how we do things in Russia, comrade.

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(This post was last modified: 09-15-2019 06:30 PM by Vladimir Poontang.)
09-15-2019 06:29 PM
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RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
(09-15-2019 06:29 PM)Vladimir Poontang Wrote:  I see what you mean, but what if you're with a girl, you've never known what she's like to live with day after day, then you get married and live with her? Isn't it better to see what she's like to live with, and then at least it's up to you to put a stop to it if she turns out to be a nightmare? If you just jump in and get married and live with her you don't know what you're in for, and then if she's horrible you have to get divorced and go through all that. By being married, you're even more invested.

It's a bad idea if we live in a world where women can be counted on to be great wives. We don't live in that world. Kick the tires, see how the engine performs before you buy.
(This post was last modified: 09-15-2019 06:51 PM by Captainstabbin.)
09-15-2019 06:50 PM
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Spectrumwalker Offline
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RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
@Vlad. I know where you're coming from. That was my rationalization at the time. But when you're dating a girl, unless one is hardcore straight edge, obviously she's gonna be spending time at your place. And vice versa. You can pick up on clues as to what's it like to live together and how she is without the risk of getting trapped. Obviously both man and woman are putting their best feet forward to make an impression when dating, but again, guess it just comes down to experience both from dating women and your natural social cues. One can only keep up the charade for so long. Ain't fool proof, but that's the best I got. That Bill Murray clips pretty good. You don't need to travel the world with a gal, but definitely taking trips together, putting up with the hassles and frustrations of travel and staying with one another for an extended time, her true colors will show. And yours.

Dreams are like horses; they run wild on the earth. Catch one and ride it. Throw a leg over and ride it for all its worth.
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https://youtu.be/vHVoMCH10Wk
(This post was last modified: 09-15-2019 06:57 PM by Spectrumwalker.)
09-15-2019 06:53 PM
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Vladimir Poontang Offline
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Post: #19
RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
(09-15-2019 06:53 PM)Spectrumwalker Wrote:  @Vlad. I know where you're coming from. That was my rationalization at the time. But when you're dating a girl, unless one is hardcore straight edge, obviously she's gonna be spending time at your place. And vice versa. You can pick up on clues as to what's it like to live together and how she is without the risk of getting trapped. Obviously both man and woman are putting their best feet forward to make an impression when dating, but again, guess it just comes down to experience both from dating women and your natural social cues. One can only keep up the charade for so long. Ain't fool proof, but that's the best I got. That Bill Murray clips pretty good. You don't need to travel the world with a gal, but definitely taking trips together, putting up with the hassles and frustrations of travel and staying with one another for an extended time, her true colors will show. And yours.

Maybe a good middle ground would be to do a bit of travel or engage in some challenging situations, and have her around often but without cohabiting.

But regardless, I like the idea of living in a country that is cheap enough to allow me to have my own place, as well as a place with the girl. That way I can do my own thing when it suits me and have some mental space to myself, while letting her know that I always have one foot out the door and she better keep standards up. Also, a bit of absence makes the heart grow fonder as they say. But i don't know, I'm still thinking it through.

That's not how we do things in Russia, comrade.

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(This post was last modified: 09-15-2019 07:03 PM by Vladimir Poontang.)
09-15-2019 07:02 PM
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Post: #20
RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
1. Getting married today is for ignorant and delusional men.

2. Getting married to someone who you haven't even lived with for over a year is just dumb. You are going to see different sides of her which she no longer can hide from you as easily. The exciting preparation that lead to meeting her will no longer be there. Your sex life will diminish greatly from whatever you had going on with her prior to living together.

3. Just cohabitate if you're so worried about dying lonely. Make sure to sign a legal agreement in your area stating that this cohabitation will not turn into a common law marriage. If this isn't possible in your area, well... don't cohabitate at all. Adapt to the new game or you will fail.
09-15-2019 07:06 PM
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Post: #21
RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
People are who are easy to "date" can be hard to live with. And they can hide the reasons why. Sloppiness is one such matter. My ex was a "horder", and piles and piles of shit started appearing in our marital home. Even the mattress had stacks on it; i couldn't take a nap during the day! She'd move them to the floor at bedtime...and back to the bed in the AM! She hid her sloppiness when we were dating - cleaned her room, while the mess in other rooms were blamed on roommates. Indeed, the only proxy i've seen for telling how messy your future wife will be is her CAR. Messy car chicks make bad homemakers, and therefore bad wives. It should NOT be the man's job to both lead the relationship strategically, and pick up after everyone.

Also, living together lets you see how she REALLY eats - and whether she cooks. You don't want to sign up to be Betty Crocker for 40 years.

I don't think i'd marry again without living together. In fact, if the living together went well, i might just say "so why get married?". I'm past the point of wanting kids.
09-15-2019 09:04 PM
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Easy_C Offline
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Post: #22
RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
We can argue about the hypotheticals all day long.

In practice, the empirical evidence is resoundingly clear: cohabitation prior to marriage is correlated with less successful marriages. Everyone can speculate back and forth about possible reasons one way or the other but at the end of the day that correlation is strong, reproducible, and statistically significant.
09-15-2019 09:37 PM
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RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
(09-15-2019 03:29 PM)Athanasius Wrote:  There have been multiple studies linking cohabitation aka. "trying out the car before you buy it" to higher rates of divorce. Regardless of that, though, it's fornication in the Scripture, and those who do such things without repentance will not inherit the kingdom of heaven.

The studies show negative effects on WAY more than just divorce rates (even to a great degree if you decide to marry her later on down the road). I read this book a few years ago and it's pretty convincing. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005J52RVQ/ref...TF8&btkr=1

Divorce, infidelity, unhappiness, child abuse, spousal abuse, emotional and behavioral problems in children, it goes on and on - rates increase overwhelmingly all the way across the board.

I am in a cohabitation situation myself, and marriage still intimidates the hell out of me. So I get all the reservations. One thing that struck me about the book is women definitely lose a lot more power in the cohabitation setup than men do. So it does in some ways create a situation where you can "hedge your bets" and maintain power - but at what cost? A lot of negative effects on life outcomes even for men if family stability of any type is a goal for the future.

I'm not religious, but even just on logical grounds, the evidence against it is pretty overwhelming and If you think about the psychology of the marriage ritual and surrounding traditions, it makes sense that low-commitment cohabitation setup would wield a lot less power.

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling
(This post was last modified: 09-15-2019 09:46 PM by Beyond Borders.)
09-15-2019 09:38 PM
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Post: #24
RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
Haven’t read the book, but wouldn’t the more conservative, religious nature of people that marry and stay so, have more to do with the success of raising children in marriage, than the ritual itself? I find it hard to believe a wedding ceremony and document suddenly makes you a better parent.
(This post was last modified: 09-15-2019 10:14 PM by sanbruno.)
09-15-2019 10:01 PM
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Post: #25
RE: Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons
^ Correlation vs causation - it's certainly an argument to consider. I can't remember how or if this was dealt with in the book or studies as I read it a few year ago.

(09-15-2019 10:01 PM)sanbruno Wrote:  I find it hard to believe a wedding ceremony and document suddenly makes you a better parent.

I don't know if it's a "suddenly" kind of thing. The psychology of a commitment, as I understand it, is something that plays out over long periods of time, but that doesn't make the effects any less real. For example, many of us have been in relationships where we held a woman at length that wanted to be serious while we did not. She'll go on fooling herself forever, telling herself she can accept that while simultaneously trying to change your mind. The situation gets more and more dysfunctional until finally it falls apart.

In a situation where you don't make a real commitment to the woman, I could see this effect always existing at some level in the relationship. And one of my big takeaways from the book was that having one foot in to test the water changes the way you approach a situation - maybe our ancestors learned that about human nature through experience and we should at least take pause before throwing it out.

If I recall correctly, the idea behind children having problems was that they can subconsciously sense the changed dynamic when a real commitment is lacking. And of course if parents are fighting, cheating, threatening to leave more, bonding less, abusing kids more, etc, the issues in that home are of course going to effect the psychology of the kids.

We are psychologically always on the fence when we aren't married - men know this, women know this. The kids feel it. That does make sense to me.

And another major aspect is that without a marriage, people tend to "slip into" cohabitation. They don't bother thinking about it at length and making a good decision because the gravity of the decision is removed - in the vast majority of cases, cohabitations just kinda happen. The "try each other out" mode, while seemingly rational, is a huge part of the problem and leads to us slowly getting into situations with big consequences that we may not have gotten into if we had to make a concrete decision.

Without skin in the game you're more likely to make careless decisions that bite you later.

Pretty good reflection of what I see in a lot of American relationships - people don't pick who they're with...they just start banging someone and it's comfortable and before you know it they're living together. And that would apply even if they got married later. "Well, we've been living together this long soooo..."

But yah even then the correlation vs causation aspect is of course up for debate.

I'd just have to reread the book to comment on how thoroughly it was addressed as I don't remember. Certainly all food for thought.

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling
(This post was last modified: 09-15-2019 10:47 PM by Beyond Borders.)
09-15-2019 10:20 PM
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