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Recovering from a breakup
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loremipsum Offline
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Post: #51
RE: Recovering from a breakup
Maybe it's just me, but there shouldn't be a permanent feeling of emptiness after a break up that only a relationship after another can fix.
It doesn't mean that being single again after a break up, or having lost someone
special you had feelings for years, or even having a dry spell doesn't suck (for those who are fornicators) but that sounds like a more deeper issue.


(10-04-2019 05:34 PM)JimBobsCooters Wrote:  Step one for me when I was in your position was to cut off everything to do with the girl.

The constant reminders just plague your thoughts and keep you trapped in the rabbit hole. Delete her number and social media if you need to go that far. From everything you've written you've actually dodged a bullet on this one by accident.

It took me ages to take this step, literally a couple of weeks after doing it the healing process actually begins and you can start to move on. Cut the cord so to speak.

Exactly. Golden post. Once you start treating them like they are gone forever, it gets better exponentially faster.
When I had my first breakup I kept following the girl on social media and it only postponed the horrifying thought that it's gone forever.
I thought about her for almost 2 years despite seeing other girls. Everytime I saw her new social media post it was like a kick to the stomach. Then the feelings slowly faded away, but at what cost.
Instead once you accept that thought right away, block all social media and reminders of her, the healing starts.

I broke up with my last girlfriend over a month ago, and immediately went no contact. I feel much better now after one month than I did after a year of the first breakup.
(This post was last modified: 10-10-2019 01:15 PM by loremipsum.)
10-10-2019 12:43 PM
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Eban Offline
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Post: #52
RE: Recovering from a breakup
GFTOW, not MGTOW. GFTOW
10-11-2019 12:04 AM
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Nascimento Offline
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Post: #53
RE: Recovering from a breakup
I wrote here 11 days ago. Since then, I've been doing OK. Multiple times I have been asked by friends and family how I'm doing, after ending a 1.5 year relationship. In terms of time, it wasn't that long – many split after multiple years, and the pain I imagine is likely stronger. In my case, despite it being 1.5 years, we were a couple who were told all the time how great we looked together. Even by complete strangers, multiple times. Point is, to friends and acquaintances we looked great together. To our families, it looked like we were building for the future, as we started to integrate each other more and more.

Until a few weeks ago, where an irreversible decline began, as a result of thoughts inside I had to share. Since then, it's over.

I was doing OK. But it hit me like a brick wall today.

...

I have to live with my decision. I knew it was not going to be easy. I had some ups and downs. Today was definitely the deepest low I've felt... in years.

I'm glad I stumbled upon a post on Roissy that really brought me back to level ground. It talk about one-itis, but much more than that as well: https://heartiste.org/2010/09/21/curing-oneitis/

My case was not one itis. Long story short, I decided to end it essentially because I felt I was settling for a girl that was merely good for me. I don't expect my girl to be perfect, and don't need her to be excellent. It's merely definitions sure, but to illustrate the point through this, I want my girl to be great. She came close, but wasn't quite there. And some things annoyed me incessantly about her, and she was unable to change them as they're her traits. In hindsight, I also see some resentment that would have been a problem in the long-term as well. So I think it was the right call for me.

Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, like it did today.

Back to the post I came across – I confirmed something I had been thinking about but did not fully put together. Choosing to chase lesser girls than my ex would only make the situation worse – not better. Mainstream advice on these parts – to go out and bed 10 girls or date many until the pain goes away, simply does not work... Unless those girls are all on the level of your ex at the very least.

The only way is through time, or through chasing girls that are better than the ex.

For others here recovering from a breakup, I recommend the read. Again, you don't need to be dealing with one-itis post breakup to benefit.

After taking some time to process my thoughts, I've concluded that while time CAN help, the best thing you can do to recover from a break up is:

1) Focus on yourself:
doing things that you value, or actually increase your value as a man... Not just to women, but in the arena of life.

2) Chase girls hotter than your ex: the minimum is to be on her level, ideally above. Bonus if she's a complete stunner

Lastly, here's the highlights from that post by Roissy. I had never come across this before, and this may be the best advice for men on the internet on the matter:

Quote:Yeah, I know you say you have no trouble getting girls, but in every case I have examined up close, including my own, the supposed “hot” girls that couldn’t make the man forget about his oneitis ex were in actuality not as hot as the ex. Every man claims it’s “something else” about the oneitis which captivates him, and that it’s not about looks, but that is just ego assuaging bullshit. Nearly every time, the runners up are exactly that — runners up to your ex’s hotness.

I remember this six-month oneitis I was nursing. In the interim, I had gone on a tear through an assortment of women, only to discover that none could do what I wanted them to do, which was to erase her memory completely, or at least detoxify the memories by pushing them into smaller and smaller neural crevices. I wanted my oneitis reduced from a maudlin reminiscence to a harmless nostalgia. Finally, at month six, I met a girl who had a better body, and a hotter face, than my oneitis. I’ll spare you the details of what happened next, because there aren’t any details — my oneitis was instantly cured. Presto whammo. Just like that. I had a new sparkly object in which to discharge my demon seed.

So the rule of thumb is not GFTOW, it’s GFTOHW (go fuck ten other hotter women). No oneitis can withstand such an assault on its mind warping parasitism. Of course, by fucking ten other hotter women, you risk ten-itis, which is a perpetual ringing in the ear caused by all the sex screams of your exes.

The corollary to the above rules is that if you are carelessly and indifferently drowning your sorrows in uglier pussy, your oneitis will GET WORSE. Fucking less attractive chicks, (which will become ridiculously easy if you have game, since your game + oneitis-fueled aloof attitude is a very potent blend of chick crack), will throw your past success into stark relief. You are probably better off wanking it than bedding unsatisfactory girls.

(SNIP)

The patient is therefore released from Le Clinique Chateau with these instructions:

– Take a month off from actively skirt chasing.

– Don’t burn your ex’s photos, but do store them in a lockbox in the attic where it would be a pain for you to conveniently access. Burning photos and other memorabilia is a powerfully symbolic act that ironically reinforces her importance in your life. Better to nonchalantly store that shit like it was any other old knickknack you no longer have use for.

– When you return to the field, focus on gaming girls hotter than what you are used to. This is like weightlifting: you need to incrementally go up in difficulty to see any progress. The challenge will help you concentrate on the present instead of the past.

– When you meet a girl you really like, invest in her. Don’t go for the bang right away. You want to increase her value in your mind, and the way to do that is, one, to make sure she’s hot, and two, to take your time winning her over. Sluts are not gonna cure your oneitis, but hard-to-get girls will.
(This post was last modified: 10-13-2019 03:08 PM by Nascimento.)
10-13-2019 03:01 PM
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Sensei Creation Offline
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Post: #54
RE: Recovering from a breakup
Thanks for linking that blog post.
10-14-2019 08:16 AM
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zatara Offline
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Post: #55
RE: Recovering from a breakup
That post from Roissy is incredibly true and really well put. I never thought about it before but that logic applies perfectly to every break-up, and subsequent getting over of it, in my life.
10-15-2019 08:18 AM
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Eban Offline
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Post: #56
RE: Recovering from a breakup
(10-11-2019 12:04 AM)Eban Wrote:  GFTOW, not MGTOW. GFTOW

Edit: GFTOHW
10-16-2019 01:09 PM
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randomA Offline
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Post: #57
RE: Recovering from a breakup
just found this thread.

my gf broke up with me last night, after the relationship had been going south over the past year. i always thought that she would be strong enough not to lose feelings completely but she did and has now reached the point where she is completely unable to see a recovery. so she took some time to definitely decide that it'd be better for her to get out and be less in pain, and for me not to hang around waiting in hope for an unknown amount of time til she gets her shit forever. we were together for more than 3 years, we shared life, house, things, dreams, plans, tastes, habits. all gone now.
i feel dead inside and a basket case.

this is definitely not my first breakup, but definitely the first where she breaks up with me while i am completely head over heels for her and we were overall in good terms up to 1 week before. its an unprecedented pain. our apartment is without her but with all our shared things.

she's 7 years younger than me and we met because of a pure coincidence that feels quite unrepeatable given the different life that I have compared to back then.
when we met she was 22 or 23. she didnt know anything about the world and i basically taught her how to see things of our current society beyond what they would like to make you believe, and made her learn the same thoughts, socio-political views that I have. this sounds trivial but it is important: i had the luck to find someone that I could "mold" or influence to be in sync with me. we were so alike and lots of personality things in common. she had only ever 1 relationship before me and only ever slept with that 1 person before me. i was both her 2nd sexual and relationship partner.
of course i was planning to marry and have a family with her but i probably waited too long and contributed to the downfall. if i made her pregnant closer to the beginning all this wouldnt have happened.

how do you repeat this experience? now that i'm much older and my lifestyle has changed so much, how could i possibly find a person at the same stage where she was before?
(This post was last modified: 10-20-2019 11:42 PM by randomA.)
10-20-2019 10:56 PM
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Sensei Creation Offline
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Post: #58
RE: Recovering from a breakup
Going through it too. Stay strong bro. Read the blog post posted above. Take a break and work on yourself. Remember your ex only feels special because of the time and memories invested. There are other women out there that are compatible with your views with a similar background to your ex. Working on yourself will put you in the best possible position to attract them.
10-21-2019 03:09 AM
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Sensei Creation Offline
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Post: #59
RE: Recovering from a breakup
"i feel dead inside and a basket case."

I feel you.

Ultimately as much as I'm sure your ex was a great person, ultimately she gave up on the relationship.

You don't want to repeat the experience, you want to attract somebody better, but that will only happen of you put the work in.

Harder to action than say as I'm in the same spot
10-21-2019 03:34 AM
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OCZ Offline
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Post: #60
RE: Recovering from a breakup
(10-21-2019 03:34 AM)Sensei Creation Wrote:  "i feel dead inside and a basket case."

I feel you.

Ultimately as much as I'm sure your ex was a great person, ultimately she gave up on the relationship.

You don't want to repeat the experience, you want to attract somebody better, but that will only happen of you put the work in.

Harder to action than say as I'm in the same spot
I feel more or less in the same position.
I think one of the most important things to understand when a relationship is over, is the fact that there is no point in trying to find an explanation in your head; it will only make you suffer as well as having contact with your ex constantly after the break-up.

You need to distance yourself from her and starting thinking in ways you can improve your life and move forward. Don't try to hunt for another LTR directly, something casual will be ok. Try to focus in yourself, your goals, hobbies, family and friends. Time will passn and so do your pain. If you can't manage to put yourself together after 2-3 months ( depends on how long your relationships, can take less) I'll suggest go with a professional.

My blog: Wolfsout
10-21-2019 04:08 AM
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Sensei Creation Offline
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Post: #61
RE: Recovering from a breakup
" if i made her pregnant closer to the beginning all this wouldnt have happened."

Also be careful with this line of thinking. One of the uber religious guys was echoing the same sentiment earlier.

That if my ex hasn't aborted we would still be together.

Ultimately, you don't know that. And even if you were still together now, that doesn't mean you would have remained together.

I don't know your ex but I'll speak about mine. My ex broke up with me over legimiate issues that could have been easily fixed had she been willing to work on our relationship with me.

Ultimately we weren't able to last even 5 years together.

Do I want someone that is stubborn and headstrong and has a tendency to give up on relationships to be the mother of my kids ?

Maybe we would have still been together right now but ultimately she would have left and that would have been an even harder seperation.

Fresh after the break up I was only remembering the women who was my best friend for the last 3 years but i now am starting to see things for what they are not what I wanted them to be.

The woman who gave up on me, refused to reason, dialogue and acknowledge the solutions i had placed on the table. And then went on holiday to have fun with her friends. That's my ex too, and that is not good enough to be my wife and the mother of my kids.

Don't sell yourself short man. You will find someone better.
10-21-2019 07:01 AM
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randomA Offline
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Post: #62
RE: Recovering from a breakup
(10-21-2019 07:01 AM)Sensei Creation Wrote:  The woman who gave up on me, refused to reason, dialogue and acknowledge the solutions i had placed on the table. And then went on holiday to have fun with her friends.
that sounds like mine as well.
im pretty sure sooner than later she will plan a trip with her friends too, since thats who she hangs out always nowadays to "keep her mind occupied".

she claims that it's not easy for her either, but i am sure that it is always easier for the dumper to just move on very quickly, especially after claiming that there was no love left for me as a cause to the end of the relationship.
i wish she could feel at least a fraction of my pain right now. after all, how can someone just break up and not be ok with it? it doesnt even make sense.

my concern now is that time passes by fast and i feel awfully alone but at the same time unwilling to seek the company of anyone. the only thought of talking to other women gives me stomachache. as much as i would love to have some kind of human contact, i only feel like i want to melt down and disappear into darkness. thats why i am unable to follow heartiste's advice. i cant get closure from what just happened and cant get over the pain. also, out of pride, i cant accept that she is not feeling as much pain as I am.
(This post was last modified: 10-21-2019 09:42 PM by randomA.)
10-21-2019 09:36 PM
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Sensei Creation Offline
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Post: #63
RE: Recovering from a breakup
Her behaviour is normal. Google the 5 stages of the dumper. She will not feel the way you feel until she reaches stage 5.

1)Relief. The first out of 5 stages of a break-up, the dumper goes through is relief.
2)Elation. Dumper has found profound happiness without the dumpee and starts acting out of character.
3) Nostalgia
4)Neutrality.
5)Regret and sadness.

Straight after the break-up, your ex is likely still in stage 1/2.

It is important to realise that it is highly likely that once your ex moves through the stages and starts to realise the gravity of what she has done, she will try and contact you to reconcile.

Do not accept her back. You have to know that the more chances you give an ex the less they respect you and you will be teaching her that it is ok for her to dump you and then come back once she realises she has made a mistake. Which is the ultimate disrespect.

Trust me I know how you feel bro. It's awful. Even if I'm.nkt completely over mine, I will share some of the things that have helped me over the past two months.

My advice would be:

If your still in contact, stop talking to her.

Try and go out with friends even if you don't want to. I know it's hard but trust me it helps

Hit the gym hard. Use the pain as motivation.

When your feeling really down and don't want to bother your friends Watch YouTube videos -

At first I was desperate to get my ex back so I was watching " the dating guy " and " the love chat " .

They helped me understand the mindset that my ex is currently in.

But now after 2 months and finally accepting that she will not come back until she's seen that the grass isn't greener, i.e until she's fucked other guys, I don't want her back anymore.

So I would recommend watching " coach Warren " as he constantly repeats that you should never take an ex back.

And finally, remember that time is your most precious resource. A lot of people have trouble cutting there losses after investing time in something that falls apart.

But sooner you refuse to waste anymore time on your ex the sooner you can move on with your life, improve your self, and find someone with better.

If you still at the " completely destroyed stage" after two months I would seek professional help. But you will most likely be fine by that point.
10-22-2019 12:31 AM
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TheFinalEpic Offline
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Post: #64
RE: Recovering from a breakup
Take some time to yourself. Reconnect with friends, family, and your interests.

Learn something new. When I broke up with my ex, I was diving head first into building a business and learning python and system administration.

When the pain starts to subside a bit, then I would recommend meditating on the experience. Everyone that comes into our lives can teach us lessons about ourselves and life in general. Start to look for these lessons in the experience with an objective eye. You're too close to the experience right now to be able to do this, but in a few months maybe you won't be.

Look at the positives, be thankful that she was a part of your life. Only then can you really move on.

Were this a few years ago, I would echo the advice of 'bang a couple girls', but to be honest, if I'm looking inside, that can be fun in the short term, but ultimately leads to more emotional problems than it solves. You'll likely regret it.

Embrace the pain, this is living. Then be thankful, and take the lessons into your next relationship with a smile.

"Money over bitches, nigga stick to the script." - Jay-Z
They gonna love me for my ambition.
10-22-2019 02:56 PM
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randomA Offline
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Post: #65
RE: Recovering from a breakup
really appreciate the replies and mentorship. will try to follow your advise.


(10-22-2019 12:31 AM)Sensei Creation Wrote:  Her behaviour is normal. Google the 5 stages of the dumper. She will not feel the way you feel until she reaches stage 5.

1)Relief. The first out of 5 stages of a break-up, the dumper goes through is relief.
2)Elation. Dumper has found profound happiness without the dumpee and starts acting out of character.
3) Nostalgia
4)Neutrality.
5)Regret and sadness.
So did your ex reach the 5th step ? how long afterwards did that happen?
I'm really curious to see if those stages will happen in my case as well.
10-22-2019 08:54 PM
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randomA Offline
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Post: #66
RE: Recovering from a breakup
(10-22-2019 02:56 PM)TheFinalEpic Wrote:  Were this a few years ago, I would echo the advice of 'bang a couple girls', but to be honest, if I'm looking inside, that can be fun in the short term, but ultimately leads to more emotional problems than it solves. You'll likely regret it.
i am turned off by this idea. last time i did this as a "cure" to heal from my previous relationship 4 or 5 yrs ago (feelings were nowhere as intense as this time, and i was nowhere as emotionally committed) it got old very fast and it left a void similar to what Roosh described recently in Game.
This time, I feel absolutely no interest in just sleeping around with easy women so I don't know what I'll do to readjust myself to a normal single person's life. The loneliness of losing your live-in SO is suffocating.
Maybe I should just move back to my home country.
10-22-2019 08:58 PM
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Sensei Creation Offline
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Post: #67
RE: Recovering from a breakup
No my ex is still in stage 1/2. You need to realise that even if there is a high probability that your ex will come back ( if you are in no contact ) , they will only do so once they see that their expectations of life without you did not match the reality.

I.e. They rode the carasoul and are now bored or they got into another relationship and after comparing they realise that what they had was actually better than their current situation.

I know that my ex will probably come back after experiencing a combination of the two and there is absolutely no way I would get back with her after she slept with someone else.

I know your turned off by other women right now as I was also in that place in the immediate aftermath of my breakup. Just give it some time this is the hardest part of the break up.

You may not feel like sleeping with easy women but I'm sure since your break up you've crossed paths with quite a few interesting women that you wouldn't mind getting to know. Give it a couple of weeks then get back out there.

Whatever you do, don't get back with your ex. That road will only lead to more suffering later down the line.

And as for moving back to your home country. I don't think your in the right state of mind to be making permenant decisions right now bro. Give it a couple weeks and see how you feel once you've started to heal a little.
10-23-2019 01:44 PM
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randomA Offline
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Post: #68
RE: Recovering from a breakup
>> You have to know that the more chances you give an ex the less they respect you

Now i'm genuinely curious in the psychological aspect of this: why does this happen in women? What's the dynamic behind it ?
10-23-2019 09:08 PM
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