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Weighing pros and cons to move back in with my aging mom.
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Zenta Offline
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Weighing pros and cons to move back in with my aging mom.
Looking for some advice on trying to decide whether or not to move in with my aging mother in about a year.

I'm 30 years old and I've had an 8yr ltr(18-25), a few gf's off and on afterwards, I've owned my own house(Sold it a year and a half ago, been renting since), I've rented an apartment when I was younger, I've rented a house after I sold mine, and I've just now started renting a fairly nice apartment near downtown after largely regretting renting the house I was living in because it ended up being a very poorly laid out POS.

I'm close to a month in on this nice apartment in a popular area near downtown, thinking that it would be nice to live on the top floor with big glass windows facing out towards the city, finally out of various suburbs after 30 years.. and I just feel more loneliness than ever before if I'm being truthful. Granted I haven't been here too long and due to family stress, work stress, life stress, 10+years of chronic insomnia, my energy levels have been lower than ever and I don't get out much to do anything outside of my usual routine of sometimes seeing some friends and exercising. However I don't think getting out to do things around this area would make me that much more fulfilled like I thought they would now that I actually live here.

The reality is that after 5 years( I realize that is realistically not that much time) the player/party life style has grown extremely stale on me and my desire to one day retire to SEA grows stronger every passing day. I've learned enough from applying game and redpill stuff that I'm confident I can lead and hold a good relationship together if I was to ever find one that was worth it. Another component to this is that as the clown world grows more honk honk everyday, so does my ever increasing lack of attraction towards American women. At this point having had negative experiences with almost every single American woman I've dated, I just have zero interest in them, further pushing me to a place like SEA, maybe even EE, who knows.

So I've been thinking the last few days how this nice fancy apartment really adds nothing to my life as far as my end goal goes. This would be great if I was 26 and trying to talk to every girl under the moon and could walk back two minutes from the bar, but I'm not. I'm sober now and don't have the energy or desire to play that game anymore. Thus I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons of possibly moving in with my aging mother after my lease is up here in a year and essentially just saving around ~$17,000 a year on rent/utilities which I plan to save more than I already do and take more time off to go traveling various places around the world instead of being constantly stuck in my shitty southern midwest city.

There are of course some caveats. My mother is 65 and had a stroke two years ago due to being an alcoholic and OD'ing on opiates. Unfortunately as a result her short term memory is severely impacted and shes good for upto about 10-15 minutes before she forgets something if that(the abuse is no longer an issue after the stroke). She now lives alone as my parents separated ealier this year after many many years of a bad marriage amplified with my father taking care of her pre/post stroke, and she is no longer self sufficient. We have a caregiver company that provides a caregiver for 4 hours a day mon-fri currently and we are unhappy with them so I am currently looking into hiring an 8 hour a day mon-fri private caregiver since I believe we will get a much higher quality of service that way. My goal of moving in with my mother is in NO WAY to become her caregiver other than to relieve some guilt of her being alone all the time when her caregiver is not there or she is not with her friend. Thus why getting a full time caregiver will be another essential step to this as I do plan to leave at times out of the country. It is a bit of a balancing act I think on my part to allow me to feel less guilty to go travel since otherwise I will be closer and more on hand when I am here. I have two siblings out of state who do not do much to help, it is mostly just me and my father. I also think the stress of not having my own place to take care of along with the fact I've had a cat for 8 years now, giving him a place to be with company and taken care of while I'm gone would open up more avenues for me to take time off to do some traveling.

My parents house where my mother lives is a fairly nice older two story house and probably nicer to live in than most houses I could reasonably rent. Location wise is no different than anywhere else here in that you have to drive 10-15 minutes to get anywhere. Obviously it makes something like dating harder but given my dating pool where I live and that I would consider maybe 1-5% of women here LTR material, its somewhat of a non-issue. A woman worth pursuing a LTR with most likely would be fine with the reason why I was living with my mom at 31 and would probably have some sort of family values anyways. A woman that would like me for my nice downtown apartment wouldn't be LTR material in the first place.

Though I still value my freedom and my relationship with my mother through the last 10 years has been quite strained at times, though I try to put that behind me now as its not as important as trying to make her comfortable in her world that is now a living nightmare(Try not being able to remember anything). I'm not sure if I can realistically handle it but at the same time if I couldn't I could always move out, it would be easy to move in under the guise as I'm just stopping by while I'm looking for a new place that could take however long.
Between this issue, helping taking care of my grandma who is probably nearing her end in a nursing home(Amazing the amount of errands you can do for a person when you're paying a place almost 4k a month to take care of them, but I digress), checking in on my step-grandmother, dealing with 10+ years of chronic insomnia, and helping run about 50% of our location dependant family business so I can get paid and all this stuff can continue to get paid for, my dreams of relocating to somewhere like SEA are still on the distant horizon. But that doesn't mean I can't take meaningful steps to further enrich my life with more frequent travel while I'm stuck here and put myself in a better position to one day leave here when I get the chance.

Apologizes for this being a bit of a jumbled mess, I'm typing this in-between client calls and on about two hours of sleep and just trying to get some thoughts out on paper. I'm planning to see Roosh in Dallas in two weeks and hope to get some more insight from his talk.
09-25-2019 02:26 PM
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monsquid Offline
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Post: #2
RE: Weighing pros and cons to move back in with my aging mom.
I've been temporarily living with my mom since May and I can't wait to move out soon. Yes I'm saving money (she charges me $500 for rent) and helping her out at the same time. Yes it's convenient that she cooks for me a few times a week. Yes it's nice to have her support and conversation but in general I'm just so used to living by myself and coming and going as I please that it's starting to bother me when she asks, however innocently, where are you going? or what time will you be back?

I get along great with her but I don't want to be this close to her. I prefer to live in the same town and be there for her on short notice instead.
09-25-2019 05:09 PM
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No More Mr. Soy Boy Offline
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RE: Weighing pros and cons to move back in with my aging mom.
You don't have to feel like a loser if you're just moving in temporary for a month or two while you're planning your next move. In fact you might regret it one day that you didn't spend some real quality time with her before you moved to Asia. I mean, especially if she's had a stroke, who knows how much time she got left? I'm starting to think like that with my own mom, since she has a heart problem too.
I've lived away from my parents since I was 15 and I love to go home every now and then to their village and visit them for a few weeks because it takes a lot of stress out and eventually I get a bit bored there and will have new energy to come back to the city and work towards my goals. So I think it sounds like a good idea.
(This post was last modified: 09-25-2019 06:04 PM by No More Mr. Soy Boy.)
09-25-2019 06:03 PM
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Zenta Offline
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Post: #4
RE: Weighing pros and cons to move back in with my aging mom.
(09-25-2019 05:09 PM)monsquid Wrote:  I've been temporarily living with my mom since May and I can't wait to move out soon. Yes I'm saving money (she charges me $500 for rent) and helping her out at the same time. Yes it's convenient that she cooks for me a few times a week. Yes it's nice to have her support and conversation but in general I'm just so used to living by myself and coming and going as I please that it's starting to bother me when she asks, however innocently, where are you going? or what time will you be back?

I get along great with her but I don't want to be this close to her. I prefer to live in the same town and be there for her on short notice instead.

This seems to be what I am worried about as I know that will happen, especially given her short term memory issues and constant uncertainties in life, if I am living there I will constantly be asked of things when I'm home.



(09-25-2019 06:03 PM)No More Mr. Soy Boy Wrote:  You don't have to feel like a loser if you're just moving in temporary for a month or two while you're planning your next move. In fact you might regret it one day that you didn't spend some real quality time with her before you moved to Asia. I mean, especially if she's had a stroke, who knows how much time she got left? I'm starting to think like that with my own mom, since she has a heart problem too.
I've lived away from my parents since I was 15 and I love to go home every now and then to their village and visit them for a few weeks because it takes a lot of stress out and eventually I get a bit bored there and will have new energy to come back to the city and work towards my goals. So I think it sounds like a good idea.

This is a fair point as well. My mother has had many health issues, most critically what should have been a criminal experimental chemo trial back in the 00's where they pumped her so full of the drugs her body has basically been fried the last 19 years, many people on it simply died. That doctor should be in jail, my mother was only chosen because she was a healthy candidate and she was guaranteed to get results for them. That along with all her other issues she sadly may not last into her late 70's or 80's, who knows.

However I was thinking longer term than a month realistically. I could always try it out for a few months and if its no good I could use that time to be looking for another place if I decide not to stay here.

As far as the distance though her house, my new place, my old places etc they are all in the same city within 20 minutes of each other, so theres no real move or change of scenery as far as that goes.
09-25-2019 07:23 PM
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tomtud Offline
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Post: #5
RE: Weighing pros and cons to move back in with my aging mom.
Don’t worry about moving back to the parents house. You can always use a hotel or Airbnb if you want to be with a booty call. Besides if a potential LTR woman sees it as a negative, well at least you know she isn’t for helping out family. She will leave you high and dry one day if the going gets tough. While others who put you down are paying rent and eating shit. You are stacking the money and eating good.
09-25-2019 07:31 PM
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Zenta Offline
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RE: Weighing pros and cons to move back in with my aging mom.
(09-25-2019 07:31 PM)tomtud Wrote:  Don’t worry about moving back to the parents house. You can always use a hotel or Airbnb if you want to be with a booty call. Besides if a potential LTR woman sees it as a negative, well at least you know she isn’t for helping out family. She will leave you high and dry one day if the going gets tough. While others who put you down are paying rent and eating shit. You are stacking the money and eating good.

This was my main thought here to do it if I can put up with my mom is that I already stack money and eat good, but I could stack a lot more and eat a lot better. I estimate at my current place its going to be ~$17k all in for rent and utilities by the end of year one and I was just thinking of all the places I could go and things I could see for just half that even vs having a nice place that I don't really have any use or desire to utilize I've realized after moving in and not really being that much into gaming the last year or so.

It sounds alot better taking a vacation and paying what I pay a month to go stay that time in say Japan or luxury in SEA and relaxing, than I do just to have a nice fancy place in a shitty city I live and work in.
(This post was last modified: 09-25-2019 09:53 PM by Zenta.)
09-25-2019 09:52 PM
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SilentOne Offline
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RE: Weighing pros and cons to move back in with my aging mom.
I fail to see how living alone and taking care of a cat is supposed to be more stressful than taking care of a senior who needs support to get by. Plus cats can take care of themselves. This post seems like you talking yourself into living with your mom, which is ok. However, don't delude yourself into thinking this living situation will be less stressful: its quite the contrary.

Your freedom to do as you want will severely diminish. You have to alternate your lifestyle to match hers. You're going to be her caregiver. You're definitely going to be more stressful.

If you are going to do this, do it because you want to be with her continuously in her last days. Not because you are expecting less stress.
09-25-2019 11:56 PM
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JiggyLordJr Offline
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Post: #8
RE: Weighing pros and cons to move back in with my aging mom.
Living alone abroad makes one feel a certain type of way. The calls with your parents can take on a tone of sentimentality, warmth even. Do not get roped into this; distance is the great equalizer and forces rose-colored lenses. Despite how badly my parents raised me, I love them to death, but also cannot live with them. Any independent man will face a similar dilemma, one that is serious food for thought.

I think the ideal arrangement - as another poster mentioned - would be to live separately, but in the vicinity of your mom. That way, you can always drop by/provide her company, but are able to lead your own life on the side. The downside to this is you can't save as much money as you would if living with her. Again, we're talking ideals here, so it's best we look at this in the context of your situation.

I would say it's best to move back in with her, even if you only intend it to be temporariy. I was in a similar situation where I was paying for a nice apartment in the city center, but I was miserably lonely and gouged by rent. I ended up moving back with my parents for a bit, before finally upping and leaving when I moved abroad. Point being, living alone isn't all it's cracked up to be, and living with others/family can be quite emotionally healthy. But there is an extremely important caveat: you cannot let her negativity seep into your life. This was the main reason I eventually decided to jump ship (at 22). Parents can inadvertently sabatoge your mindset if they're spewing poision unconsciously. You're going to have to have a thick skin/strong frame to keep your life on an upward trajectory. Keep these things in mind when you make your final decision. Good luck mate.
09-26-2019 07:24 AM
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monsquid Offline
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Post: #9
RE: Weighing pros and cons to move back in with my aging mom.
Lots of good discussions. This is a tough issue because of the challenges of finances, loneliness, and aging parents. I feel guilty because I sometime I just don't want to deal with the burden of supporting her in the future. My mom is very poor and scrapes by being frugal. Never asks me for anything but I know that in a few years she won't able to work. She suffers from chronic liver disease that affects her immune system. I have no siblings so it's all on me.

Seeing my mom get older also makes me think about what's going to happen to me when I get older. I don't know if I'm scared of becoming a lonely old man but it's definitely more real to me than when I was in my 20s.
09-27-2019 08:46 AM
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Castillo Offline
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RE: Weighing pros and cons to move back in with my aging mom.
Many valid points above. Many of us take life for granted and are certain that we will wake up tomorrow, when in fact we only have today. Our parents may well outlive us. Steve Jobs said if you live each day as if it was your last - some day you’ll be right.

Moving home will bring different challenges and stresses and later you may wish you didn’t do it. But if we look at the positive side, regardless of how much help you give, your mum will appreciate you being there mentally and emotionally if nothing else. It will give her some peace of mind. If you are planning to travel those periods will destress you, and you’ll feel less guilty about being away because you planned the trips and made arrangements for your mum. You can have hundreds of women but only one mother, and when she’s gone you’ll feel more alone.

Most people are selfish. They don’t want to take responsibility. Real leaders step up to the plate, work hard and do their best to take care of the people around them. Living a life of service will bring far more satisfaction than material things. We are not born great - it is something we must become.

Enough of the philosophy though - sometimes you gotta take what Tony Robbins calls “massive action” and just decide to do it. Move in, save money, share happy moments, solve problems, improve her life, take care of your health, go travelling, find your purpose, and live without regret. Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and start being excited about what could go right Smile
09-27-2019 09:43 AM
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Eazy_E Offline
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Post: #11
RE: Weighing pros and cons to move back in with my aging mom.
I'm in a situation that is kinda close, but kinda not with the op.

I just turned 33 and I live with my mother and sister. My parents were married almost 40 years until my old man got cancer and died at 58. I was 26 at the time. He lived 3 months from diagnosis to death. At the time, I was in Arizona, they were in my home state of Illinois. I didn't have anything really keeping me in AZ so I came back to help them out or wherever. After he died, I stayed 8 months until I went back to AZ. I was in AZ, it was okay, but I was in college at that time but I decided to drop out, then I was just living in a dump house in Phoenix, so things weren't working out. I asked if I could come back, and of course, she said yes.

Fast forward to today, it's been about 3 years now and I have very little intention to change things. I'm essentially the man of the house, so I do a lot of stuff around there, maintenance or just general work. The old man was a tool hoarder so I've got a full garage at my disposal to work on my pos car. My uncle and aunt live next door. The house itself is on 1.25 acres, in ground pool, with nobody behind us. Packages don't disappear from the porch and we've got about a dozen chickens, an old dog, and a cat we raised from a kitten when mom and sister found her in the yard. I do all my own cooking and laundry and have for a while, so I'm not really much of a drain.

Anyway, my mother is about to be 63. She doesn't "need" me right now, but I know she appreciates the help and I'm sure the old man would be proud. I've got a pretty bad Oedipus complex though, so as far as I'm concerned, my mother walks on water, so I don't really mind being around either.

So yeah, I mean, I've got a quality of life I couldn't match on my own, I save money that I blow on bike parts and traveling, and I get to spend time with the people I care about. Do I sometimes feel kneecapped in the search for my future ex wife? Yeah, sure. You don't be telling girls these days you're 33 and you're posted up in your mother's basement, but it's whatever. I'm okay with it for now and it makes me feel good that I'm kinda taking care of my mother a little bit.

So I'd say go for it. You'd probably regret it more that you didn't do it than if you did.
09-27-2019 10:26 AM
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RE: Weighing pros and cons to move back in with my aging mom.
(09-25-2019 11:56 PM)SilentOne Wrote:  I fail to see how living alone and taking care of a cat is supposed to be more stressful than taking care of a senior who needs support to get by. Plus cats can take care of themselves. This post seems like you talking yourself into living with your mom, which is ok. However, don't delude yourself into thinking this living situation will be less stressful: its quite the contrary.

Your freedom to do as you want will severely diminish. You have to alternate your lifestyle to match hers. You're going to be her caregiver. You're definitely going to be more stressful.

If you are going to do this, do it because you want to be with her continuously in her last days. Not because you are expecting less stress.

The point is to have more freedom and flexibility to move around along with further minimalism my belongings. Also in my post I mention I will be increasing her caregiver hours from 4 to 8 a day as it is not my goal to become her caregiver. Now naturally being around I will obviously help her out with stuff and provide some more, but that just comes with the territory, and I already help take care of her as is.

I don't think my freedom will diminish other than my privacy. I've never had freedom issues around my parents and If I wan't to leave and go do something on a whim that is not a problem. Also when I'm at home I spend most of my time on the computer when I'm not working out or biking around so its not like a huge loss.

I can't argue to the added stress though, that will definitely be accurate.



(09-26-2019 07:24 AM)JiggyLordJr Wrote:  Living alone abroad makes one feel a certain type of way. The calls with your parents can take on a tone of sentimentality, warmth even. Do not get roped into this; distance is the great equalizer and forces rose-colored lenses. Despite how badly my parents raised me, I love them to death, but also cannot live with them. Any independent man will face a similar dilemma, one that is serious food for thought.

I think the ideal arrangement - as another poster mentioned - would be to live separately, but in the vicinity of your mom. That way, you can always drop by/provide her company, but are able to lead your own life on the side. The downside to this is you can't save as much money as you would if living with her. Again, we're talking ideals here, so it's best we look at this in the context of your situation.

I would say it's best to move back in with her, even if you only intend it to be temporariy. I was in a similar situation where I was paying for a nice apartment in the city center, but I was miserably lonely and gouged by rent. I ended up moving back with my parents for a bit, before finally upping and leaving when I moved abroad. Point being, living alone isn't all it's cracked up to be, and living with others/family can be quite emotionally healthy. But there is an extremely important caveat: you cannot let her negativity seep into your life. This was the main reason I eventually decided to jump ship (at 22). Parents can inadvertently sabatoge your mindset if they're spewing poision unconsciously. You're going to have to have a thick skin/strong frame to keep your life on an upward trajectory. Keep these things in mind when you make your final decision. Good luck mate.

You bring up fair points as well. It would be a hard move as an independent man, which I have been the last 8+ years now(barring a few years with ex 8yr LTR). That and as pointed out above, the added stress, are the biggest risks. Of course temporary can be a few months or turn into a few years, or could turn into me saying I'm moving then be guilted into staying. Me moving abroad wont happen for the next 10 years probably.

As for vicinity, my city is a driving city, I have always lived within 10-30 minute drive of every person I know here so that is not an issue to consider.


(09-27-2019 08:46 AM)monsquid Wrote:  Lots of good discussions. This is a tough issue because of the challenges of finances, loneliness, and aging parents. I feel guilty because I sometime I just don't want to deal with the burden of supporting her in the future. My mom is very poor and scrapes by being frugal. Never asks me for anything but I know that in a few years she won't able to work. She suffers from chronic liver disease that affects her immune system. I have no siblings so it's all on me.

Seeing my mom get older also makes me think about what's going to happen to me when I get older. I don't know if I'm scared of becoming a lonely old man but it's definitely more real to me than when I was in my 20s.

I also have this same feeling as I have watched my grandfather die infront of my eyes of old age and watch my grandmother on that same path. They were both well taken care of because of my father and I being there to provide and do so. But that reality really hit when my mom had her stroke which is more personal to me. I could not imagine anyone being in her shoes with no family to take care of them because they wanted to be child free. I have no idea what would happen to someone like my mother if she did not have us.

That is another thing I am on the fence about is wanting children/family or not. I am very stressed out and can't even imagine taking on that responsibility on top of everything else I take care of but what if I find myself in this position one day with no one to care for me? Not a great thought.



(09-27-2019 09:43 AM)Castillo Wrote:  Many valid points above. Many of us take life for granted and are certain that we will wake up tomorrow, when in fact we only have today. Our parents may well outlive us. Steve Jobs said if you live each day as if it was your last - some day you’ll be right.

Moving home will bring different challenges and stresses and later you may wish you didn’t do it. But if we look at the positive side, regardless of how much help you give, your mum will appreciate you being there mentally and emotionally if nothing else. It will give her some peace of mind. If you are planning to travel those periods will destress you, and you’ll feel less guilty about being away because you planned the trips and made arrangements for your mum. You can have hundreds of women but only one mother, and when she’s gone you’ll feel more alone.

Most people are selfish. They don’t want to take responsibility. Real leaders step up to the plate, work hard and do their best to take care of the people around them. Living a life of service will bring far more satisfaction than material things. We are not born great - it is something we must become.

Enough of the philosophy though - sometimes you gotta take what Tony Robbins calls “massive action” and just decide to do it. Move in, save money, share happy moments, solve problems, improve her life, take care of your health, go travelling, find your purpose, and live without regret. Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and start being excited about what could go right Smile

Your post while a bit feel goody and philosophical, is kind of the attitude I am trying to lean towards. This gives me an opportunity to become a better son and possibly make my moms limited time better, in exchange for me sitting in a nice apartment alone everyday typing away on my computer. It seems like a no brainier, but as pointed out above its not quite that simple for the added stress and loss of independence.



(09-27-2019 10:26 AM)Eazy_E Wrote:  Last post so -snip-

Thats another reality, if anything happened to my father I'd have to step up to the plate anyways and that would be the easiest way because I know I won't get any help in that way from my siblings. Luckily I'd avoid the basement and just take my old room back, but yeah its some kneecapping, but I'm not planning to marry an american that needs a man with a fancy apartment to get her off anyways.


Thanks everyone for the input. I have 11 months to consider so it will weigh on my mind for a while and I may end up trying it, worse comes to worse I can always leave.
09-29-2019 10:44 PM
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