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Exercising Control in a Relationship
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kubrixrube Offline
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Post: #1
Exercising Control in a Relationship
Hello everyone, I’m new to posting on the forum and never had an account until recently. I have been in a relationship for 1.5 years. I met her through a mutual friend and was her first and so far only sexual partner.

I am older than her and graduated college before her (she has a year and a half left). She doesn’t have many friends and doesn’t go out very much. I work close by and we see each other as much as I want.

With context out of the way I wanted to bring up an interesting question. At what point does exercising control over your girlfriend become too much control? When I first got with her, I noticed she was immediately very vulnerable with me. I took her v card pretty quickly so I can explain it that way, she is somewhat spoiled by her parents and relies on them for everything. However, I have noticed that she relies even more on me for everything. She’ll call me when she is sick and/or feeling down. She’ll ask me what to do for school and career plans, have me check email drafts, tell me about every aspect of her day, and just overall be very needy. Basically this girl doesn’t do much without asking first.

The relationship part of the relationship is healthy, we have sex whenever i want, and shes available when i ask, she even pays for things sometimes without being asked to. The problem lies in the fact that though it is flattering, I feel like the line is blurred and she is relying on me a little too much. I have talked to her about it and she apologizes but she keeps doing it. I don’t think she realizes it’s a bad thing. Though we haven’t had any problems come from this, I don’t want to be reclassified into a helper type person in her mind. I want to stay the dominant respected boyfriend that I have been.

Has anyone had experience with this? Is this even an issue? Thanks in advance!
11-10-2019 02:18 PM
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gework Offline
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Post: #2
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
This sounds like my friend's wife.

She is essentially a blank slate. She isn't particularly autonomous in the world. No particularly outgoing and doesn't have a huge amount a friends. She ask him what she should do in lots of situations, like who she should vote for.

She is wifeable material and from what you say your girl is too.

1) 1 notch
2) she doesn't have a wild social life, so is not as likely to get swept up by the carousel
3) she looks to you for a lot for guidance

This is quite antithetical of Western women - the type of thing that is criticised here.

I would say: step up to leadership and come up with a plan for your lives (assuming you want to keep her). She sounds like the sort of girl who will respect and value this. Also baby-girl her, pay for those things she is paying for (meals I assume), make her know that she is safe being completely vulnerable around you and watch her become more feminine.

At least for me a huge part of the problem is most Western women are full of lots of ideas about having experiences, career, setting up a business, "finding themselves" etc. And this often ends up with them becoming like the women in the single women dying alone thread.

I don't care about their stupid ideas, give me one who has the right ideas, or no ideas - who will accept my ideas that work.
11-10-2019 02:39 PM
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kubrixrube Offline
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Post: #3
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
Thanks for the advice. It would be nice. I feel like i do step up enough and it’s often a natural results of our pretty compatible personalities. However, I do sometimes find myself thinking if it’s more her weakness (if this personality can be considered “weak” in a woman) than my strength that keeps her this way. Though I have never been fooled by the “strong woman” stereotype I wonder if some independence and self reliability is good in a woman. I just don’t want to get to the point where if we have children I must worry about her as much as the kids. Does that make sense?
11-10-2019 03:50 PM
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Hazaer Offline
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Post: #4
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
Would agree that you have wife material in your hands.
While its natural for most girls in relationships to call up their bf when they are not feeling good or when they are deciding on major things like career plans, continuing on with university, it starts becoming a bit dicey when someone asks you to proofread their emails etc. which seems quite minor to me.
In the long term it can get frustrating getting asked to do such minor things repeatedly and this can be misconstrued by her as being cold etc.. I know its a difficult balance between over-dependence on the partner and excessive independence in a relationship but at some point you may just be tired to contribute in her decision making on more trivial matters or things can get busy for you. You need to have your partner making some decisions for you both and the kid when that happens. This also helps to build mutual respect in the relationship, the part where you respect/trust her for her ability to keep things together for the good of the family even in your absence.
Only based on my experience.
(This post was last modified: 11-10-2019 04:54 PM by Hazaer.)
11-10-2019 04:51 PM
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Post: #5
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
(11-10-2019 03:50 PM)kubrixrube Wrote:  I wonder if some independence and self reliability is good in a woman. I just don’t want to get to the point where if we have children I must worry about her as much as the kids. Does that make sense?

It makes sense. Women should be able to be self sufficient/autonomous to a point. If you had to go away, she needs to be able to carry on the household tasks, especially important if you have children as you've pointed out.

My advice would be to use situations for learning. Not in a patronizing way, as she may resent you for it, but in a questioning, letting her come to the right conclusion way. Give her building blocks and confidence that she is more than capable of writing and sending an email without you proofing it.

Are you a member of a church? You could speak with your pastor and see if his wife would be able to have your girlfriend over for tea. My church has a weekly ladies night, yours might as well. The YouTuber Mrs Midwest might be a good outlet for her as well. The girl is young and somewhat naive though is Christian and embraces submissive femininity. There is also a book For Men Only that can help you navigate how to approach her in a way, like Hazaer mentioned, that won't be misconstrued as coming across cold.
11-10-2019 05:05 PM
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RV_p Offline
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Post: #6
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
Responsibility is a learned skill, so what you can do is make her solely responsibly for one thing only, and then just play a role of a mentor. Pretend you are a manager at work, and you want your worker to develop a new skill. This way she will see that she is capable, and, eventually, will develop necessary abilities.

You probably don't want someone calling you on what to do with clogged up sink when you are on a business trip 12 hours away.

Start small, but where constant decisions need to be made, like an exotic plant, or an animal, and then slowly introduce chaos.
11-10-2019 05:32 PM
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Post: #7
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
It seems like you have someone who's a good candidate for a wife and a partner. If that's what you're looking for, then you should find most of this to be fairly easily dealt with. If you're not looking to get married (and I don't think men should get married before age 40), then I think you might not be the best choice for such a girl.

With power comes responsibility. This is the type of woman who can bring out the best in a man, but will also likely tolerate the worst.
11-10-2019 06:03 PM
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kubrixrube Offline
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Post: #8
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
Hi Lance. Can you explain your reasoning behind not getting married until 40. If I find a good woman with good qualities close to my age and I can build up a good marriage of many decades. Is that not better than waiting until I’m 40 to find someone younger and marry that person? I think a case can be made for marrying in your late 20s early 30s. I am very interested to understand your perspective though.
11-11-2019 03:03 AM
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Lance Blastoff Offline
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Post: #9
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
(11-11-2019 03:03 AM)kubrixrube Wrote:  Hi Lance. Can you explain your reasoning behind not getting married until 40. If I find a good woman with good qualities close to my age and I can build up a good marriage of many decades. Is that not better than waiting until I’m 40 to find someone younger and marry that person? I think a case can be made for marrying in your late 20s early 30s. I am very interested to understand your perspective though.

I'm in my mid-40s now and I am pretty happy with my life.

The closest I'd come to something that I would change is my decision to marry when I was in my mid-20s. It was, undoubtedly, the worst mistake I ever made.

What I found desirable in my 20s was very different in my 40s. Also, what I could get was much better when I was 40 than when I was 25.

To put it coldly, most research shows that your SMV peaks at ~40 and her's peaks at ~22. I might have landed my current wife when I was her age, but game her / control her and have a truly fulfilling marriage? I lacked that sophistication before I was ~40 or so.

In general, I think the pattern ought to be:
1. Enjoy college, but not too much. Have a B+ average.
2. Bust your ass in your 20s learning from mentors, bosses, guys you respect. Don't get married, have a steady girlfriend but she has to understand that you're all about your career.
3. Grow your business(es) / career in your 30s.
4. Enjoy your 40s onward because you reap the dividends of your hard work in the first three steps.

At this point, I have the time, money, life experience to be a husband and a father. I didn't at 25.

But that's what I'm doing, so maybe I'm biased...
11-12-2019 01:52 PM
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Roosh Offline
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Post: #10
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
No offense to Lance, but don't take advice from single men in their 40s whose advice is essentially to be single in your 40s.

The problem is not her but you. Women are anxious until they're married. You seem content with sex but she needs more. Either marry her or go bang sluts. Then you won't have to deal with neediness.

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11-12-2019 06:48 PM
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SilentOne Offline
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Post: #11
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
I agree you have wife material on your hands, except this isn't the era to be getting married as a man.

Think you working hard now? Try again when you have 2 kids and this power dynamic flips into her control. I know right now it seems impossible to see given your current interactions with her, but... good luck.
11-12-2019 07:27 PM
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Post: #12
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
Being leaned on or depended upon by a woman is good. Thats the power position as it should be

Being stepped on / or used by a woman is not

The danger for men in LTRs is they dont recognize the insidious, slow shift from the former to the latter.

Thats one of the monsters that feed on complacency

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(This post was last modified: 11-12-2019 07:29 PM by PapayaTapper.)
11-12-2019 07:28 PM
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D'Kora Koloth Offline
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Post: #13
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
Re: Holding off marriage/kids when you're mid 40's:

Do you really want to mid 60's when your kid graduates? And if he waits until 40 to wed and start a family, you won't be in your grandchildren's life for very long, if at all.
11-12-2019 11:54 PM
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kubrixrube Offline
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Post: #14
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
Thanks for the advice Roosh. To clarify, I don’t want to “bang sluts”. I am happy in my relationship and agree with you about not finding meaning in just “game” as the forum promoted before the change.

My concerns came from me being afraid of her subconsciously reclassifying me as beta (if we can still use those terms) as a result of me being there for her through her neediness. I don’t resent her, I just don’t want to sabotage myself if that makes sense.
11-12-2019 11:54 PM
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Post: #15
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
(11-12-2019 11:54 PM)kubrixrube Wrote:  Thanks for the advice Roosh. To clarify, I don’t want to “bang sluts”. I am happy in my relationship and agree with you about not finding meaning in just “game” as the forum promoted before the change.

My concerns came from me being afraid of her subconsciously reclassifying me as beta (if we can still use those terms) as a result of me being there for her through her neediness. I don’t resent her, I just don’t want to sabotage myself if that makes sense.

My wife and I were talking about this the other day, but in terms of church assistance vs. marriage.

If you girlfriend/wife is humble enough to ask for your help and expresses her appreciation for it, don't be worried about giving it to her. If she acts entitled, like a welfare scammer, like you OWE her help, then its time to correct the situation.

From your earlier posts it doesn't sound like she's acting entitled so that is great.

Finally, you have to take the good with the bad. In order to have a submissive, courteous wife you will have to deal with a woman that is pretty much going to need your lead on pretty much everything. If you want a wife that is going to split the firewood, shoot at intruders and tell the police that she isn't opening the door without a warrant then you are going to have a headstrong woman that will likely need to be 'checked' often and won't automatically follow your lead like a newborn fawn. That's life.

You aren't going to find a high T concealed carry and crossfit, protopenis Tomboy that is confrontational and independent around others but acts like a meek footbound Geisha around you. Its one or the other.

As broader, general advice, to those hardline "humble, virgin, 21 year old, innocent, waifu" types. Please realize the down sides. That sort of wife will be dependent on you. You will need to be the leader, all of the time, it will feel lonely often, but that is life. You cannot arrange a perfect, no effort marriage on this earth, Adam and Eve screwed that up with the fall. Its going to be work, just pick the kind of work you can handle.

Why do the heathen rage and the people imagine a vain thing? Psalm 2:1 KJV
(This post was last modified: 11-13-2019 12:41 AM by Dr. Howard.)
11-13-2019 12:40 AM
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kubrixrube Offline
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Post: #16
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
This makes a lot of sense. I guess one of the pitfalls of these situations is overthinking. I’ll continue doing what I’m doing since our personalities do balance each other out. I think I have enough awareness to notice neediness turn into entitlement (if it ever even gets to that point).
11-13-2019 01:54 AM
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Post: #17
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
Next you will tell us that she cooks and cleans too much. You have found a unicorn, my friend.

You want to know the only thing you can assume about a broken down old man? It's that he's a survivor.
11-13-2019 02:36 PM
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kubrixrube Offline
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Post: #18
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
Haha she likes cleaning. Terrible terrible cook (especially considering shes Italian and has a mother who is a human cookbook). You can’t have it all...
11-13-2019 07:05 PM
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Handsome Creepy Eel Offline
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Post: #19
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
That type of delegation is simply an expression of love, of course provided that she is genuinely happy to let you arrange this stuff for her and abide by its outcomes. My wife is very similar, but in the beginning of our marriage we used to have really petty fights over cases when she'd ask me to do something for her (for example proofread a message just like in your example)... but then get mad at me over not editing it in the desired style. That, on the other hand, is just fishing for drama and shouldn't be tolerated.

Also, don't confuse delegation with dependency and kindness with weakness. She can love delegating stuff to you, but still be perfectly capable as an individual and able to hold down the fort while you're away/sick/whatever. You can always look to her life before she met you to see what she's like by herself.

Either way, like others have mentioned, you can't just cut out this type of behavior and still retain her sweet and loving personality, so it would be better to not even waste your thoughts on such a possibility.

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11-15-2019 07:36 AM
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Post: #20
RE: Exercising Control in a Relationship
I got married at 39 after dating her for 7 years. She's 6 years younger than me. There were many before meeting her. My only regret is not marrying & having kids sooner. It sounds like you've found a rare thing indeed, sir. Like others here said, that's how the balance of power should be. The grass is certainly not greener elsewhere.
11-18-2019 06:24 PM
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