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Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
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bk19xsa Offline
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Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
Long Post. There is a Tl;Dr at the end.

The issue I am currently facing is how can I ensure this girl be with me and not self sabotage my career or a great relationship.

I have faced this issue before and it cost me a marriage. And now I feel like History is repeating itself.

Last year, while doing my MBA, I met and found a great girl for LTR.

She was a 25 year old Au Pair from Central Europe working in US. She was a virgin before me. I was going through my post divorce player phase and in a very short span of time had seen how screwed up western girls, especially American ones could be. This girl was a fresh breath of air.

I found her to be humble and cheerful. I also noticed few things that started changing my mind towards an LTR such as her following my lead, being there for me during big crisis times for me, taking care of me after a major injury, good with children, being organized and punctual, equally shared expenses, cleaning the house and cooking for me. Both of us believe in God. She accepted that I was divorced and had no issues with the age difference. All my male buddies liked her and thought she is a keeper. I started liking her back and we formed quite a relationship. I seriously started considering for marriage.

She used to be a national level junior tennis player and later was a tennis coach back in her country. She wanted to pursue tennis coaching as her future. However, her Au Pair visa gave her a limited duration to stay in the US and not work beyond being an Au Pair.

I am also an International student and I knew I would also find it challenging to get placed here.

So considering both our future, I advised her to apply for tennis coaching positions in Gulf countries of the Middle East. The idea was that after my MBA I could pursue work in a place like Dubai because of my previous 8 years of work experience in that region. Therefore we both could be together there.

She took my advice and started applying. She even stayed right until the end of the grace period of her US visa just to be with me. She went back to her country in September and in October she got an offer from an Academy in Dubai. She went there and started working.

In the meantime I was applying for jobs mostly in Dubai and few in US. I was getting nothing from both places.

We FaceTime almost twice a day. She keeps asking me when I would join her. Though legally I can stay here till July next year, I informed her I will not waste much more time and will join her end of January. I thought I'll search jobs while present in Dubai. I also am almost out of savings.

However, in the last few days a company in US started doing interviews with me and will be giving me an official offer soon.

The firm and pay are good. Also, the job is something I am interested in doing. But it is here. And this would be my only job in hand.

She is very happy for me but also sad as she expected that I would join her in January. She last saw me in Septmeber.

I told her that my visa will not be renewed after July, as the company does not sponsor and then I will come down to Dubai.

This is where she became a little emotional and dismayed as she thinks she'll go crazy if she does not see me for the next 8 months.

She even asked me if I can at least come for Christmas-New Years to Dubai, once I have my offer. I told her I will try but reality is that I don't know if its a good idea to start a new job first week of December and then travel to Dubai for a week, even if it's during Winter break.

It will break her heart if I don't make it to Christmas. She's alone there. I have instructed my best friend there to make sure she is alright but it's just not the same without me.

She has applied for US Green card and even if gets approved, it will only be for 2021.

I can ask her to give up her career and call her here via tourist visa. She will not be able to get a job and even though I can support her, knowing female mentality, she will hate me for being a provider while she does nothing. In the long term, she will eventually blame me for her not having a career.

I need the job both for finances and career. I know women respect men who treat their ambitions(careers) as priority over the relationship. Those guys are winners to girls. At the same time I do not want her to feel alone 1000s of miles away, become depressed and do something rash such as develop feelings for someone else or cheat.

That would then not only end a good relationship but also needlessly destroy what can be a healthy sane future for both of us. I have survived such things before but she will not recover. She will be damaged, lose all her innocence and never have a healthy bond with any guy again .

I can delude myself in saying that I will find someone like her again but chances are way less. I am already 35.

I am finding it challenging to take the next steps. I'll keep applying to Dubai and see if I can land a better job, both prestige and pay wise compared to this one. If I can, then I'll move to Dubai. However, chances for that to happen are very slim.

What would be good next steps to take?

Tl;Dr : Found a great girl last year. Marriage material. Her US visa ended in September. Told her to work as tennis coach in Dubai as I was not getting job here so wanted to move to Dubai as well. She is now in Dubai, asking when I will join her. I am going to get a good job here. Don't know if I can see her in Christmas. Told her I'll surely come after July next year. She became very unhappy. Don't want to screw this relationship. What can I do?
(This post was last modified: 11-21-2019 05:54 PM by bk19xsa.)
11-21-2019 05:45 PM
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Handsome Creepy Eel Offline
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Post: #2
RE: Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
Her coming to USA through a tourist via will solve nothing, not necessarily because she will give up her career and be stuck in USA doing nothing, but because it's still just a band-aid. She comes there for 3 months, and then what? Overstays and turns into an illegal? Goes back to where you started?

Instead you should take your job, save as much as you can, and stick it out until you can be together. If you're right for each other and you're both serious as you appear to be, you'll be able to handle 8 months of separation, and rest assured that no one will cheat on each other either. Have a serious talk with her and frame it as long-term investment for your future together.

As for your job, I recommend that you are upfront with your employer and ask if they might OK you an unpaid leave around Christmas time and that you'd appreciate it - you'd be surprised at how much they might be willing to accommodate you there (needless to say, do your best from the moment you start working). If they balk, stick it out and just accept any other date that's fine for them. Don't give up or ruin your first serious job opportunity just to rush into being together for a little while because it will make it a lot harder for you down the road.

If you think this is tough, know that me and my wife went through two 1+ year separations before we could finally settle, but it paid off and now we've been happily married for years and have a little kid together. And even though it was very tough, it gives us a special foundation that we wouldn't frivolously throw away like a classic couple that hasn't endured that might do.

"Imagine" by HCE | Hitler reacts to Battle of Montreal | An alternative use for squid that has never crossed your mind before
(This post was last modified: 11-21-2019 07:02 PM by Handsome Creepy Eel.)
11-21-2019 07:00 PM
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Post: #3
RE: Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
One thing OP not making sense...How did she apply for a US "Green Card" (permanent residency) ?

Edit:The only ways to be eligible for immigration to US are:

Family petition (marriage to US citizen or legal resident, or child of same)

Employment (HIGHLY skilled amd under VERY rare circumstances)

Special Immigrant (translator for US military in Iraq as example)

Victim of Human Trafficking

Asylum / Refugee

Lottery

Few others but they are even more difficult / stringent

_______________________________________
- Does She Have The "Happy Gene" ?
-Inversion Therapy
-Let's lead by example


"Leap, and the net will appear". John Burroughs

"The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure."
Joseph Campbell
(This post was last modified: 11-21-2019 08:16 PM by PapayaTapper.)
11-21-2019 07:38 PM
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Rush87 Offline
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Post: #4
RE: Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
Maybe I'm cynical, especially considering the number of 'fiction writers' I've seen pass through the forum over the years but when I read things like this: "She was a 25 year old Au Pair from Central Europe working in US. She was a virgin before me". I can't help but think I'm reading the fiction of a larper.
(This post was last modified: 11-21-2019 10:52 PM by Rush87.)
11-21-2019 10:51 PM
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bk19xsa Offline
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Post: #5
RE: Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
(11-21-2019 07:00 PM)Handsome Creepy Eel Wrote:  Her coming to USA through a tourist via will solve nothing, not necessarily because she will give up her career and be stuck in USA doing nothing, but because it's still just a band-aid. She comes there for 3 months, and then what? Overstays and turns into an illegal? Goes back to where you started?

Instead you should take your job, save as much as you can, and stick it out until you can be together. If you're right for each other and you're both serious as you appear to be, you'll be able to handle 8 months of separation, and rest assured that no one will cheat on each other either. Have a serious talk with her and frame it as long-term investment for your future together.

As for your job, I recommend that you are upfront with your employer and ask if they might OK you an unpaid leave around Christmas time and that you'd appreciate it - you'd be surprised at how much they might be willing to accommodate you there (needless to say, do your best from the moment you start working). If they balk, stick it out and just accept any other date that's fine for them. Don't give up or ruin your first serious job opportunity just to rush into being together for a little while because it will make it a lot harder for you down the road.

If you think this is tough, know that me and my wife went through two 1+ year separations before we could finally settle, but it paid off and now we've been happily married for years and have a little kid together. And even though it was very tough, it gives us a special foundation that we wouldn't frivolously throw away like a classic couple that hasn't endured that might do.


Thanks. This seems sound advice to me and I will discuss it with her.

I will also see if there is any opportunity to discuss with the employer about Christmas. If it doesn't seem right, I will just accept the start date and focus on working hard.

Glad to know that you and your wife worked it out and now have good life together with kids. That is what I would prefer for my future as well.
11-22-2019 02:11 AM
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bk19xsa Offline
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Post: #6
RE: Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
(11-21-2019 07:38 PM)PapayaTapper Wrote:  One thing OP not making sense...How did she apply for a US "Green Card" (permanent residency) ?

Edit:The only ways to be eligible for immigration to US are:

Family petition (marriage to US citizen or legal resident, or child of same)

Employment (HIGHLY skilled amd under VERY rare circumstances)

Special Immigrant (translator for US military in Iraq as example)

Victim of Human Trafficking

Asylum / Refugee

Lottery

Few others but they are even more difficult / stringent

She applied through the Diversity Green card Lottery Visa as she is eligible:

https://www.investopedia.com/articles/pe...-works.asp

Also, it has been processed for the lottery results in May for which there is a 40% chance of getting it.
11-22-2019 02:15 AM
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Post: #7
RE: Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
There are around 23million diversity visa applications every year while there are only 55k visas available ( that number is fixed by law). There’s no single country in Central Europe that’s allocated more than 6000 of the 55k. I’m not trying to piss in your granola but her odds of her winning a diversity visa are way less than 40%. Something doesn’t make sense

_______________________________________
- Does She Have The "Happy Gene" ?
-Inversion Therapy
-Let's lead by example


"Leap, and the net will appear". John Burroughs

"The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure."
Joseph Campbell
11-22-2019 07:51 AM
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Post: #8
RE: Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
Why this thread at all?

If she is so marriage-worthy, why not just marry her in the US?

Women who are marriage-minded don't even mind giving up good careers. And if they don't, then they are not marriage worthy. Green-card lottery is a lottery not for lack of reason. The stats are likely somewhat slanted so that more ISIS Jihadis get accepted than Swiss country-girls, so counting on that is not advisable.
11-22-2019 08:13 AM
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Post: #9
RE: Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
Yea why can't she come to the U.S. if you marry her here, am I missing something?
11-22-2019 10:33 AM
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bk19xsa Offline
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Post: #10
RE: Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
(11-22-2019 07:51 AM)PapayaTapper Wrote:  There are around 23million diversity visa applications every year while there are only 55k visas available ( that number is fixed by law). There’s no single country in Central Europe that’s allocated more than 6000 of the 55k. I’m not trying to piss in your granola but her odds of her winning a diversity visa are way less than 40%. Something doesn’t make sense


My understanding is that the countries are allocated a quota and the lesser the number of applicants from the specific country the better the chance.

Additionally, around half of the total global applications (mostly from non-European regions) are rejected for incomplete or incorrect information.

According to her, the last few years trend in her country is that very few people applied for it and most of them got into the 125,000 among which 40% are selected.

But, regardless of he chances, the Green card visa is inconsequential for now as I did mention in the original post that the visa would be for 2021. Till then she can only visit US on tourist visa. More importantly, my own visa will be till July next year and then I would have to leave the USA, which I do not mind provided I do get a job by that time, preferably in Dubai where she currently resides.

If she does get the Green card, then we might think about relocating back to US post 2021.

My main challenge is for us to be physically together. I will try assuring her to not worry and stay put in Dubai and also to find a way for me to visit her such as during this Christmas. She can also visit me during the May-June period next year which is Off season for Tennis in Dubai because of the weather.

In the mean time I will work as hard as possible in this job to gain the firm's confidence so post July the firm gives me a position in their Dubai office or I will keep searching for other jobs in Dubai.
11-22-2019 11:02 AM
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Post: #11
RE: Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
He's not a US citizen or permanent resident (green card) either so marrying her regardless of location wont help her get back into the US

Moreover; In fact if she has applied for a Diversity visa ( immigrant visa) then she likely won’t get another tourist or even au-pair visa ( non- immigrant) visa ever again. Applying for an immigrant visa indicates desire/ intention to live in US and USCIS knows that far and away the vast majority of illegal aliens in the US are people who simply over stayed non immigrant ( tourist or J1 etc)

Edit: I posted the above in response to the other post above before seeing OPs response. OP I think I better understand but I think she’s overstated her chances of getting the Diversity visa. But I wish you well.

_______________________________________
- Does She Have The "Happy Gene" ?
-Inversion Therapy
-Let's lead by example


"Leap, and the net will appear". John Burroughs

"The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure."
Joseph Campbell
(This post was last modified: 11-22-2019 11:15 AM by PapayaTapper.)
11-22-2019 11:08 AM
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Post: #12
RE: Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
Yeah..idk of many stories where the girl goes to Dubai for work and ends well. But...I am cynical. Bro good luck. If it's fate it will work out somehow Smile
(This post was last modified: 11-22-2019 11:16 AM by Trumps Intern.)
11-22-2019 11:16 AM
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Post: #13
RE: Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
Assuming she is actually marriage worthy why not marry her asap and start having children? Look at other threads most guys don't follow the basic path when they find a good girl because they want to "grow" and "discover themselves".

Had I have gotten married 10 years ago I would have and missed all the degeneracy and wasted time.

If she's that great get married. Jaded people will tell you every which way why marriage is a raw deal etc. but most of them just want you to be in the same miserable boat they are in.
11-22-2019 11:23 AM
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RE: Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
I can ask her to give up her career and call her here via tourist visa. She will not be able to get a job and even though I can support her, knowing female mentality, she will hate me for being a provider while she does nothing. In the long term, she will eventually blame me for her not having a career.

If she's truly is a feminine woman, "Different" from the western women here in the U.S as you are making her out to be, then the above scenario will not happen. Again, if she is a feminine woman with no western propaganda in her mind, she SHOULD BE HAPPY that you will be the sole provider of the household, and that she doesn't have to slave away at some job. Any feminine woman would jump at this opportunity.

As others have already suggested, If I were you, I would ask her to drop her job at Dubbai and join you in the U.S. The only reason she is in Dubbai anyway is to pursue a career, which she wont need if you are making good money, you both get married, and have a bunch of children to keep her occupied.

If she is your "one of a kind", I would suggest you go this route instead of living apart for 8 months, not knowing what can happen in between that time. And all for some career she wont need anyway once you get her pregnant and you can safely provide for her. Keep us updated.
11-22-2019 11:41 AM
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RE: Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
< Correct - all those Manhattan society wives truly miss their stressful careers - many happily left those occupations just because the guy made x-times more and she found out in her 30s, that this isn't making her happy.

A marriage worthy woman finds occupation in other venues when the kids are older - she can do part-time for fun later, do charity work or have fun doing art and pottery. I met even highly intelligent women who later admitted that their jobs did not make them happy and they found much more fulfilling outlets in their active social lives and doing feminine artsy stuff from home. And those are the rare 130+ IQ women who say this!
11-22-2019 12:05 PM
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Post: #16
RE: Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
^This

No woman ever hated a man for being the provider / leader of a family.

A man being a foot cushion / weak is however what ends up repulsing women. They need to look up to a man in order to be attracted in an LTR.

_______________________________________
- Does She Have The "Happy Gene" ?
-Inversion Therapy
-Let's lead by example


"Leap, and the net will appear". John Burroughs

"The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure."
Joseph Campbell
11-22-2019 12:09 PM
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Post: #17
RE: Found a great girl. Marriage material. Careers causing long distance issue.
(11-22-2019 12:05 PM)Simeon_Strangelight Wrote:  < Correct - all those Manhattan society wives truly miss their stressful careers - many happily left those occupations just because the guy made x-times more and she found out in her 30s, that this isn't making her happy.

A marriage worthy woman finds occupation in other venues when the kids are older - she can do part-time for fun later, do charity work or have fun doing art and pottery. I met even highly intelligent women who later admitted that their jobs did not make them happy and they found much more fulfilling outlets in their active social lives and doing feminine artsy stuff from home. And those are the rare 130+ IQ women who say this!

Nothing should occupy an older woman more than making sure her physical obsolescence doesn't lead her husband to look for a younger model to trade into. Of course if she's not been sufficiently inoculated with enough dread to rue allowing that to happen she wont give a shit.

_______________________________________
- Does She Have The "Happy Gene" ?
-Inversion Therapy
-Let's lead by example


"Leap, and the net will appear". John Burroughs

"The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure."
Joseph Campbell
11-22-2019 03:04 PM
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