Like Stalin in 1939, I didn’t immediately get what I wanted from Finland, but a bit of persistence paid off handsomely. I chose Finland as my destination due to its being one of only a handful of countries in the world where 1. English is widely spoken, 2. decently attractive girls exist, and 3. the culture is conducive to one-night stands, thereby making it viable to hookup in a 7-10 day short vacation rather than an extended stay.
I arrived in Helsinki on Friday, August 26 and stayed for 10 days. I rented an apartment through CityKoti (http://www.citykoti.com
) in the central Kamppi district of the city, which is where most of the shopping, restaurants, and nightlife is located. The apartment cost about $90 per day for that time period, which is cheaper than what you’ll pay for a hotel in the city center or anywhere else in Helsinki. I also wanted a place of my own to bring girls, though it turned out that wasn’t necessary- Finnish girls certainly don’t require privacy to have sex and prefer to bring you to their place anyway.
I went to Tiger Club my first night out. This is a very sleek, European style night club at the top floor of the Kamppi shopping center that is popular and aesthetically pleasing but not, in my opinion, the best for one night stands- it attracts more of a see-and-be-seen, bottle service crowd rather than DTF girls. Still, shortly after warming up on the dance floor, I was literally pushed into the arms of a striking Chilean girl by her brother, no less. He was eager find her someone to be with for the night and thanked me for dancing with her. I was happy to oblige them both. She was very sweet and we made out for the next 4 hours, but I didn’t take her home with me- she was there on business and was staying with her brother and friends. We made plans by e-mail the next day to meet in the evening at the metro station, but we couldn’t find each other in the crowd as the metro station is very big. I forgot to get a local SIM card for my cell phone, so I had to rely on e-mail which is problematic in these sorts of situations. But I decided that if you can’t putt, you just have to go for the hole in one…
The Chilean girl was in Helsinki on business and was leaving on Sunday, so after our Saturday meeting fell through, I explored some more clubs on Saturday night. I enjoyed a live Finnish rock band at Circus and danced with a couple of girls, but after getting shoved by more than a few very drunk Finns, male and female, I called it a night. On Monday, I took the ferry to Tallinn for the day and wrote about my impressions there in another post.
On Tuesday, I found my gold mine- the aptly named Milliklubi, or Millionaire’s Club. I believe that the logistics and layout of a venue play a big role in the kind of vibe a place has and therefore on the likelihood of pickup. Many nightclubs in Helsinki (and Scottsdale, where I live) have a large square dance floor in the middle of the venue and bottle service couches on the perimeter. The club is nothing but a giant square where everybody can see everybody, few people can sit down, and therefore everybody is more self conscious and in a much less open mood. Clubs like this may be popular, but they’re deceptive- one night stands rarely happen in places like these. When I look back on all of the clubs and bars in America that I’ve pulled from, the logistics of all of them are similar to those of Milliklubi- several small rooms, several dance floors, couches and tables spread throughout the venue in every room, and there is no spot in the place where a single line of sight will let you see everything and everyone. Milliklubi was designed for intimacy.
It was packed even on a Tuesday night. After heading out to the central dance floor, which was already crowded, I saw out of the corner of my eye what could only have been a model or porn star eying me from a distance as she entered the club and, as soon as I turned my head to make eye contact, she immediately started towards me with a determined stride. This girl was seriously one of the hottest women I’ve ever seen in my life, a true 9.5-10, and I’m experienced enough not to be easily impressed. Time slowed down as she walked, like in the movies. Despite the crowded conditions of the club and all of the people around me, she walked perfectly straight toward me for 20 feet as though a Roman road had been dropped into a crowded Bangalore marketplace. She came up to me, grabbed me, and started fondling me and making out with me violently for the next 10 minutes as though she was on some sort of mission. When she finally came up for air, I tried to start talking to her but she immediately unlocked her grip on me, turned around, and walked out of the club as quickly and determinedly as she came. I didn’t know what to make of it and all I could do was laugh. Easy come, easy go.
After talking to and making out with another girl for a bit who ended up getting too drunk and going home, I was about to call it a night when another girl singled me out on the dance floor and latched onto me. She had shortish blonde hair, lively squinty Finnish blue eyes, and a carefree Nordic feminist vibe that has been stirring my loins for the past couple of months. We danced, made out, and talked, and I quickly knew that I was going to have her. She was with a friend, who had found a Swiss exchange student as her guy for the night. When the club closed and the four of us were standing outside, my girl and her friend separated from us for a minute, talked quietly amongst themselves, and then my girl’s friend shyly addressed us two men in a formal tone best suited for extending an invitation to dinner: “We would very much like to know if the two of you would like to come to my place tonight”. She almost seemed worried that we might say no.
Though it was almost 5 in the morning when we got back to the friend’s apartment and though we had spent the past 6 hours drinking, the girls were in no mood to get right to bed- there was more drinking and smoking to be done. After the four of us in various combinations took turns drinking ciders and smoking on the balcony, I found myself with my girl on the balcony and her friend and her guy were inside on the bed, which was in the living room and could be seen from the balcony. The door to the balcony was locked and the two inside had already gotten down to business. There was nothing to do but get to work right out on the balcony. When I and my girl took a break from making out and glanced inside, we could see her friend on top riding her man for all she was worth. While riding, she looked out to the balcony at us and sweetly smiled and waved. That was our cue. I bent my girl over the balcony and pounded her as I looked out into the rising sun shining through the thick forest of pine trees that extended beyond the balcony. Needing more leverage to come after so much alcohol, I forced my girl face down on the ground. If her face had not been buried in the rug covering the floor of the balcony, she would have seen a shit-eating grin involuntarily spread across my face as I simultaneously exploded inside her and mentally unfurled my first Finnish flag.
When we finally got back into the apartment, we decided to go back to my place to get some sleep. She called a cab. I gave directions, in Finnish, and she complimented me on my pronunciation. She worked at the airport while going to school and spoke fluent Finnish, Swedish, and English as well as a bit of French and Russian. We discovered that we both spoke the same little bit of French and Russian. She paid for the cab. When we got back to my place, welts had formed on her knees and elbows. I had her again on a softer surface and we got a few hours of sleep. When we woke up, we went to a café for breakfast before going back to her place in Espoo. She had a sauna in her house and we decided that would be just the thing after a long night. She wouldn’t let me pay for breakfast, even after she paid much more for a cab from the suburbs to the city center. “I am an independent woman” she said, though without an ounce of bitchiness or condescension. My kinda feminist.
We had dinner at a nice Italian restaurant in Kamppi on Wednesday and then parted ways. Logistics prohibited us from meeting again until Saturday night, my last in Helsinki. On Thursday night, I visited Kaarle and described my impressions of it in another post. On Friday, it was time to try for a second notch.
I went back to Milliklubi and opened a group of three girls at the bar by asking them what kind of shot they were drinking. I was genuinely interested, because they were drinking something that was red and white and layered, and I knew from my experience in Finland so far that no mixed drink can contain more than one unit (shot) of alcohol. You pay 6-8 euros for a single shot of liquor in the bottom of a glass and if you want a mixer, that’s an extra 2 euros. A very weak Jack and Coke is therefore about $12-14. The liter bottle of Finlandia that I bought in the airport before I came over cost me $14, and I prepartied with it every night before I went out. Drinking in Finland is a very expensive activity, but that doesn’t slow people down very much.
My girl was the leader of the group and had long brown hair, piercing blue fuck-me eyes, and beautiful shapely boobs on a small frame. She wore leggings and a halter top that beautifully accentuated her ample bust. She was a nurse for, as she said, the third-ranked breast enhancement plastic surgeon in the world. She told amusing stories involving famous clients (details forgotten, unfortunately). She was proud and, judging from the handiwork that she was sporting, third in the world was no exaggeration. Though she was young, I could tell that she already knew the game and played it often. She teased me about my shoes and my eyes, which are brown- a rarity in Finland. She would not let me sit without a drink in front of me. “Why aren’t you drinking anything” I heard several times throughout the night until the place closed at 4 in the morning. In fact I was drinking and had drank quite a bit and would when necessary oblige her by taking a couple of sips of cider. One of her friends was sipping (yes, sipping) drink after drink of a brownish concoction in a pint glass with the sophistication of an experienced connoisseur. What is it? I finally asked. “Jager bomb” she said proudly. Welcome to Helsinki.
After a half dozen Jager bombs and various other shots interspersed with ciders, I discover the busiest place in Helsinki- McDonalds at 4 AM on a weekend. The three girls and I, along with a Finnish guy that one to them had picked up at the club, stopped at McDonalds to get some drunk food before going to my girl’s apartment for the night. I wasn’t hungry and could see in this activity the root of a lot of the obesity in Finland. My three girls looked good for now, but I could tell that if they kept up their current lifestyle that they would blow up like American girls.
Once back at my girl’s place at 5 AM, it was time for more drinking and smoking in the living room and on the balcony. In addition to the usual cider and vodka, my girl passed around a strawberry liqueur that came a bottle shaped like a Greek fertility god with an oversized phallus. After having steered the mood of the group in an overtly sexual direction, she pulled out a bronze dildo from a cabinet in the living room and passed it around to the girl as well. At 7 AM, we all retired to our respective bedrooms. As soon as the lights were turned off, she pounced on me like a tigress. She knew how to talk dirty in perfect English and wanted it harder, harder, harder in every position. When we woke up early Saturday morning, we had half-asleep drunk sex again before lapsing back into unconsciousness. When I woke up again, it was almost 1 in the afternoon. I had to go- I had to meet the other girl in 5 hours and I had no idea where I was. I told her I needed to leave and asked where the nearest train station was. “You’re not going anywhere” she said and pulled me on top of her for a third round. I finally got back to my apartment, washed her lady juices off of me and then got ready to pollute myself yet again. I fucked the first girl twice that night and twice in the morning and she came with me to the airport to see me off.
My trip to Helsinki was everything that I wanted for it to be. I messed up my cost per notch while there, but I have since had two hookups here in America with girls that both took under 5 hours and $30 each, thereby bending my cost curve downward for this fiscal fuck year. Life is good.