19 Year Old Son's GF is Pregnant, Not My Problem

bmw633

Woodpecker
A little background: son's mom and I split up back in 2003, but saw him every other weekend, holidays, and a couple of weeks in the Summer.

His mom was a helicopter parent who made sure there were no obstacles that he needed to learn to overcome himself. Never any consequences for his behavior.

When he became a teen, he fell in with a bad crowd, and mom started finding bongs and drug paraphernalia around the house. His mom would send me photos of the stuff, along with holes he punched through sheetrock in the house. She once even begged me to stay at her house to babysit him when he was 16, he was so out of control. Son said I could not stay there, and he wound up punching me in the face, so I called the police, and they charged him with assaulting me. Mom was mad that I called. Said it would ruin his life, my reply was letting it slide would ruin his life.

About 5 months later, despite living 90 miles away, she dropped him off at my house on a school night. I enrolled him in the local school, and tried to do my version of parenting. In the 8 months he stayed with me, the police was called 3 times. Shoved me once, another time threw his phone at me , and another time spat in my face, all while saying some pretty bad things at me. I have been disabled since 2003, so I wasn't about to get physical with him. The whole time he was with me, she had been messaging him several times a day telling him she wanted him back with her, which basically undermined my efforts to rein him in.

When the school term ended, he started saying he wanted to go back to live with his mom, and mom so happily agreed to take him back, that he promised to behave. "He is exactly the same kid you dropped off in November," I replied. So he left, and they returned to Mom's house, and the next week spent a week at the beach.

Friday of the next week, I got a dozen letters addressed to my son offering legal services, so I called his mom. She told me that he had been arrested Tuesday for possession of marijuana and trespassing while on vacation!!! She did not promptly inform me because she was embarrassed to admit I was right!! Got arrested in only 4 days with her!!!

Since I still had legal custody, I took a stand that he return immediately to my house, and after going easy for a couple of days, cooked some breakfast for him and asked him to do some chores. After an hour, I went to his room and he was still under the covers, almost 11am. He cussed at me, so I asked for his phone, so he cussed at me more. I went to his car to disconnect the battery to ground him when he ran out, shoved me, and punched me in the eye. The cop saw my swollen eye and charged him himself.

About two weeks after the assault, I heard a car in the driveway. Turned out it was my son's car, with a police car, as well. He came to get his things, did not call, message, or email me he was coming. Just slipping in the house and going upstairs to get his things. I visited with the same cop who arrested him for assaulting me, and after he loaded his car, then walked up to say he is sorry, like it was an afterthought. I decline to accept his apology, because if he had been sincere, he would have told me he was coming and apologized FIRST. Guess he wanted to snow over the cop and impress him.

The last time I saw him was in Juvenile court 2 years ago when he was still 17, and the judge ordered mandatory drug testing, counseling, and community service. Told him she would sentence him to a year in jail if he assaulted anyone during his probation.

Two years later, not a word from him, nor his mom. My oldest daughter keeps up with him, and she told my 91 year old mother that his GF is knocked up!!!!

If either of my daughters got pregnant in their teens, I would be more upset, but with my son, it feels more like kharma. Bet his mom is already trying to put a positive spin on things, probably getting a nursery ready.

Glad it is not my problem any longer. He made his bed, time to lie in it. I know there are other Roosh V members who have gone through the divorce machine and have had to deal with parental alienation, and there are some things you can do nothing about, so don't beat yourself up about it.
 

bucky

Ostrich
You failed as a man, you deserve nothing but scorn
Seems pretty harsh and judgmental. Yeah, OP probably made mistakes as a parent along the way, but he was likely working from a false set of assumptions he learned from globohomo. I know I've made serious mistakes for the same reason that I would have avoided if I'd had something like RVF or Heartiste in my life to help guide me when I was younger.
 

joost

Kingfisher
You failed as a man, you deserve nothing but scorn

A friend of mine had two boys (now men). Both have almost the same age (1yr apart). They were raised the exact same way but one was a rebel; stole his dad's car many times, got in trouble with cops numerous times, knocked two girls when young...

What I'm trying to say is that sometimes it doesn't matter how you raise your kids; factors like genetics, environment (friends, neighborhood, etc) can affect.


As for OP, there's not much to be done now. The kid failed as a son. He might blame you for his problems and will be present for his son. How that will plan out? Only time will tell.
 
Well, thanks, I needed that.......

Tell me more about what you see as my failure. I had spinal surgery, became disabled, and wife split after my surgery.

Aren't we as Christians supposed to encourage and edify each other?
Don't listen to that moron. There's nothing you could've done to keep a shit head kid from being a shit head kid. I've anecdotally seen the same thing happen to kids from with very successful parents and on the other hand seen kids come from broken homes who were awesome.

Yes, upbringing plays a part but at this point in my life I just think your genetics or the soul you're born with is the biggest determining factor with what type of person you are. He's a man at this point so you are clear if you don't want to contact him ever again.

Remember the only person you can control is yourself. Don't waste your time and energy trying to make your kid see the light. He has to do that on his own. Maybe in a decade when he's more mature he'll see the error of his ways.
 
Why did you capitulate on the every other weekend parenting in the 1st place? As a man that has been in an 11 yr old custody battle for my daughter from my 1st marriage, this is very offensive to me. Obviously you've paid the price, and I don't want to rub salt in your wound, but I think the 1st step for you is admitting that you should have fought for your son after the divorce. It's impossible to effectively parent as an every other weekend Dad.
 

FrancisK

Kingfisher
Gold Member
It’s not your fault, you can’t beat out an enabler. He knew that no matter what he did all he had to do was cry “mommy mommy” and it would get fixed. He was taught that there was no real consequence to his actions, I’ve seen this before unfold before my own eyes.

It’s going to go one of two ways, either his life is just trashed now and it’s over for him only going to get worse or he’s going to realize what garbage he was to you and is to himself, turn it around and come to you with open arms apologizing.

Either way it’s not on you, I don’t think anything you do or don’t do will change it now.
 

Hypno

Crow
There but for the Grace of God, go I.

Brother, I feel you. Lots of divorced father deal with this stuff in one form or another, sounds like you got an extra dose.

I challenge you to put aside your hurt (because that is really what you are feeling). Think about how you can "be there" for your son, even if it is in the long run. For example, if you are not bailing him out because he needs to learn from his mistakes, that is a strategy. But go visit him, or call him, and tell him that you still love him but you can't enable his self-destructive behaviour. Call him or email him regularly, check up on him, challenge him. Tell him you are there when he is ready to change.

You have to realize that while you were dealt a poor hand, he was dealt an even poorer one and has less experience and other tools with which to play it. Realize that some of his behavior is him acting out. Be the bigger man.

Judging by what you wrote and how you wrote it, you are still dealing with the hurt from this. That's fine. Write down how you feel. If you identify a feeling, it has less control over you. Also, sometimes anger (his or yours) is a defense mechanism to mask fear - write down what you might be afraid of, such as never seeing your son, your son not living up to your expectations, not having a relationship with your grandchild. The more you can understand what is subsconscoiusly motivating you, the better able you are to act to improve your situation. You don't have to act today or even tomorrow, but realize no one is going to fix this for you.

I have a teenage son and his mother alienated him from me for several years. Not exactly your situation but a lot of overlaps. He eventually saw through his mother's lies and came back to me but it was a long slog and I nearly lost him to a different demon. Me extending a bridge by writing him a letter was the difference.
 

king bast

Kingfisher
Son said I could not stay there, and he wound up punching me in the face, so I called the police, and they charged him with assaulting me. Mom was mad that I called. Said it would ruin his life, my reply was letting it slide would ruin his life.

3 years later, do you still maintain that you acted appropriately here?
 

bmw633

Woodpecker
There but for the Grace of God, go I.

Brother, I feel you. Lots of divorced father deal with this stuff in one form or another, sounds like you got an extra dose.

I challenge you to put aside your hurt (because that is really what you are feeling). Think about how you can "be there" for your son, even if it is in the long run. For example, if you are not bailing him out because he needs to learn from his mistakes, that is a strategy. But go visit him, or call him, and tell him that you still love him but you can't enable his self-destructive behaviour. Call him or email him regularly, check up on him, challenge him. Tell him you are there when he is ready to change.

You have to realize that while you were dealt a poor hand, he was dealt an even poorer one and has less experience and other tools with which to play it. Realize that some of his behavior is him acting out. Be the bigger man.

Judging by what you wrote and how you wrote it, you are still dealing with the hurt from this. That's fine. Write down how you feel. If you identify a feeling, it has less control over you. Also, sometimes anger (his or yours) is a defense mechanism to mask fear - write down what you might be afraid of, such as never seeing your son, your son not living up to your expectations, not having a relationship with your grandchild. The more you can understand what is subsconscoiusly motivating you, the better able you are to act to improve your situation. You don't have to act today or even tomorrow, but realize no one is going to fix this for you.

I have a teenage son and his mother alienated him from me for several years. Not exactly your situation but a lot of overlaps. He eventually saw through his mother's lies and came back to me but it was a long slog and I nearly lost him to a different demon. Me extending a bridge by writing him a letter was the difference.
The Prodigal son's father did not seek out the son, but was happy when he returned. Since he was in the wrong, the ball is in his court. I had a counselor after the last assault tell him he could contact me and that I would be happy to speak with him.

Being disabled, with 3 fused vertebrae in my neck, being punched in the face by a high school football player could have put me in the hospital or worse. If he could so readily attack me, what was he doing to his mother? She never told me that he was assaulting her, but thing point to it.
 

Zagor

Woodpecker
The only way to successfully raise a son is to guide him while he's growing up and being a father figure to him. And you can't do that if you see him only two days a week. Therefore, you lost your son when your mariagge broke down. You are his biological father, but you never had an opportunity to be a father to him. The things he does two decades latter should be of no concern for you. It's admirable to try to fix some of his problem but that ship sailed long ago.
 
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