19 Year Old Son's GF is Pregnant, Not My Problem

Hypno

Crow
The Prodigal son's father did not seek out the son, but was happy when he returned. Since he was in the wrong, the ball is in his court.

The Prodigal son's father was God the Father. "“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."

If you view things as who was right and who was wrong, you will remain in this situation. If that is what you want, then congratulations. If you want to improve the situation, give these ideas some thought.
 

HighTower

Robin
There is no excuse for assault especially against one's father. Well maybe one being self-defense but that doesn't apply in this situation. Hopefull your son will grow-up and realize the benefit of a strong father-son relationship. Having a child usually speeds the process so hold the course as tough love is the hardest to give but by far the most beneficial.

Also, your ex wife spent many years creating the dynamic you speak of and are unfortunate enough to endure. But one thing is for sure, your son will need you one day and as his father you must be there for him.

Chin up bmw633
 

bmw633

Woodpecker
3 years later, do you still maintain that you acted appropriately here?
I think so, being in my late 50s at the time, disabled, 3 fused vertebrae in my neck, chronic pain. I was seated in a chair when he punched me in the face. He thought he could do it without consequences. But he needed to discover for himself the results of poor decisions.
 

stugatz

Pelican
My elderly aunt had nearly 10 children, and well over half of them are in a strained relationship with her now - to the point where I'm considering asking her if she wants to make funeral arrangements with me and my father. I wouldn't put it past her estranged children to intentionally do the reverse of all of her final wishes (like have her cremated instead of buried, or have some man in a dress give her eulogy, or give half of her estate to Planned Parenthood).

Sometimes you do all you can with your children, and it still doesn't work in your favor. Because of this, I'm terrified to have them myself. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this...stay strong brother.
 
Do not worry over it, the reality is the second your "wife" (read whore) divorced you the kids were doomed. Do not try to salvage that which cannot be salvaged. Let them be dead to you, strike them from your family tree and focus your efforts on getting out of the West (and to someplace saner).
 

bmw633

Woodpecker
This is one example of how rudderless kids can get without a father. I would also note the lack of the presence of God in your family, which might have brought some peace and stability in the life of your family, 633.
God was a presence, took him to church and Sunday School every Sunday I had him, also read Bible stories to him on days I was too sick to go.

His Mom took him to church only, then gradually quit all together when he was about ten years old. Most activities she started him in, she would drop the ball and quit. Wanted him going to youth group, even offered to have him picked up early to make it convenient for her, never followed up on it.

Sometimes, there is only so much one can do. The SERENITY PRAYER comes to mind.
 
A friend of mine had two boys (now men). Both have almost the same age (1yr apart). They were raised the exact same way but one was a rebel; stole his dad's car many times, got in trouble with cops numerous times, knocked two girls when young...

What I'm trying to say is that sometimes it doesn't matter how you raise your kids; factors like genetics, environment (friends, neighborhood, etc) can affect.


As for OP, there's not much to be done now. The kid failed as a son. He might blame you for his problems and will be present for his son. How that will plan out? Only time will tell.
Having children is more like a dice roll and raising them well is improving the odds.

One is simply improving the dice one rolls with.

So there is always going to be an odd one out raised in a Single Mother Home who somehow turn up well adjusted.

And people who are from good families that are bad.

It's not 100% in either way. Because that is discounting free will.
 

Roosh

Cardinal
Orthodox
I'll be the contrarian since you've already received e-support here. It looks like you are using your health as justification for what happened to your son, and perhaps as the reason for not being the authority figure he needed while he was acting out (and off-loading it to the police, which seems to have only made things worse). Calling the police on a child in the United States is something that single mothers do. Is there any personal responsibility you claim for how he ended up that way, starting with the relationship you had with his mom? Is it only your son and his mother's fault? Children do have two parents, not one.

You like to throw out Christian concepts, but your original post, which is all I have to go by since I don't know you, sounds like a hard-hearted man who is denying guilt and/or regret from what happened, but the fact that you posted this publicly means that you are in pain from what happened. I would consult with a priest instead of trying to analyze the situation from your own understanding of the Bible. Figure out how to make things right, as much as the willing parties allow, instead of blaming everyone. After all, you chose to have a child with his mother. If she was so bad, why did you choose her? If you put all the blame on yourself, even if it's not justified, you will start to come to a solution and reach peace with your son.
 

Eusebius Erasmus

Kingfisher
Orthodox
I'll be the contrarian since you've already received e-support here. It looks like you are using your health as justification for what happened to your son, and perhaps as the reason for not being the authority figure he needed while he was acting out (and off-loading it to the police, which seems to have only made things worse). Calling the police on a child in the United States is something that single mothers do. Is there any personal responsibility you claim for how he ended up that way, starting with the relationship you had with his mom? Is it only your son and his mother's fault? Children do have two parents, not one.

You like to throw out Christian concepts, but your original post, which is all I have to go by since I don't know you, sounds like a hard-hearted man who is denying guilt and/or regret from what happened, but the fact that you posted this publicly means that you are in pain from what happened. I would consult with a priest instead of trying to analyze the situation from your own understanding of the Bible. Figure out how to make things right, as much as the willing parties allow, instead of blaming everyone. After all, you chose to have a child with his mother. If she was so bad, why did you choose her? If you put all the blame on yourself, even if it's not justified, you will start to come to a solution and reach peace with your son.

Proverbs 22:6 -- "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

Roosh is correct. You need to see a priest or holy elder to get better direction with your son. You also need to take responsibility for your own role in his failings.

Your son is only 19, and still has time to turn his life around, God willing.

I pray for you, OP.
 

renotime

Ostrich
Gold Member
OP what did you expect? That's what happens to young boys when they don't have a father in their life. Just at look at what it's done to the black community.

Do you want your grandchild to end up like your son?
 
Do not pile onto the OP folks...reality of the matter is there is only so much you can do with the hand the mother, the courts and society gave him. As for calling the police...let's be real. If his disabilities are what he says they are he didn't have much of a choice. It is one thing when you are young (or even middle aged without the injuries) to deal with an aggressive teenager using your bare hands.

The OP from the sounds of it does not fall into that category. Do not call out a man for not doing what he is physically incapable of doing, it's like shaming a kid in a wheelchair because he can't run.
 

Kona

Crow
Gold Member
Bet his mom is already trying to put a positive spin on things, probably getting a nursery ready.

I hope she is. At least somebody's got their head on straight.

You've already written your grandchild off and he's not even born.

And 2 years is a long time for your son to have made some serious changes in his life. You wrote him off over a little weed, some trespassing, and some misdemeanor assault. Come on dude.

Your son may very well have gotten his act together without you. If he has, call and say congratulations and let him know you are there for him. You're disabled, and you've been on this forum for seven years, so you are probably rolling in cryptocurrency, affiliate marketing, penny stock, and various other work-from-home type of money. So that's good.

If he is still a little on the wild side, step the hell up and end this cycle. Apologize and be a leader. Do not allow your son to be an absentee father too. Do not be an absentee grandpa.

Do not do this for your son. Do not do this for yourself. Do this for your grandchild.

Aloha!
 

Oberrheiner

Pelican
Well, thanks, I needed that.......

Tell me more about what you see as my failure. I had spinal surgery, became disabled, and wife split after my surgery.

Aren't we as Christians supposed to encourage and edify each other?
I guess I was harsh too, so let me apologize first.
However what can I say .. it's your own flesh and blood, if you don't care who will ?

You know in my life I have seen basically two types of family, those who get along (or fake it in their own interests if they don't) and end up building an empire, and those who don't and end up getting divided, poor and alone.
You need to choose what you want for your bloodline and act accordingly.
Ideally before getting a wife and kids, when possible.

Oh and also LOL at those who think you're an adult at 19.
 

Sitting Bull

Woodpecker
You know in my life I have seen basically two types of family, those who get along (or fake it in their own interests if they don't) and end up building an empire, and those who don't and end up getting divided, poor and alone.
Yep. As the Arab saying goes, "only those who can also help you can harm you".
 
God was a presence, took him to church and Sunday School every Sunday I had him, also read Bible stories to him on days I was too sick to go.

His Mom took him to church only, then gradually quit all together when he was about ten years old. Most activities she started him in, she would drop the ball and quit. Wanted him going to youth group, even offered to have him picked up early to make it convenient for her, never followed up on it.

Sometimes, there is only so much one can do. The SERENITY PRAYER comes to mind.
Again I'll ask: why did you capitulate to the every other weekend parenting plan? You were disabled, right? If anything a credible argument could have been made that your ex should have been the one that got the every other weekend parenting plan.

I understand you can't change the past, but it appears to me that you aren't taking any responsibility for your mistake in this. Perhaps if you take responsibility there will be a way to move forward. I would even apologize to your son about this and consider helping him raise your Grandchild.

With God all things are possible.
 
@Heismightytosave

Reality check: The family court system hates men. Secondly the OP is saying this all happened after spinal surgery, even with insurance that will zap the pocketbook. So how is a man with no money even going to hire a divorce attorney (who may achieve exactly nothing to boot).
 

tomzestatlu

Kingfisher
He´s just in his teens and he hadn´t grow up yet. Maybe birth of a child will make him more responsible.
But the fact he did stupid things in his teens don´t mean anything. Everybody does. Thinking back about myself, even though I luckily followed some normal way, I also did many stupid things, that could easily get me to prison or seriously hurt somebody. Also I had strong inclination to alcohol. I didn´t care at all, I was just a teen, who grow up without father.
I had a similar guys around. I remember one friend, who had a son, when he was 18. He was a badboy, who did bad things, but at the end, he was responsible at least about his son. When he grown up at late 20s (it can´t be done sooner anyway), he found a good girl, had another child with her and now he´s living very decent life as a father of family.

19 isn´t 29
 
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