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So essentially, we met on FB on an Orthodox Christian singles site. We had like 5 or 6 FaceTime's before she said she wanted to meet me in person, so we scheduled a date to do so. I was unsure if I was attracted to her before meeting in person even though we had like day-long FaceTime's at points. I knew we had a connection even though I wasn't sure about how things would go. She revealed to me that she was raped violently when she was around 16 on a FaceTime before we met in person. She said that she felt it was necessary for me to know this before we met in person. This was at like the 4th or 5th FaceTime I believe. She said that she only got enough therapy to get what she needed after the rape (rape kit) and then didn't get any more therapy after that. I asked her if she would be willing to get therapy with someone if they were married and she said she would be willing. She said she just didn't want to do therapy alone. We talked about expectations and wants/needs we had for a relationship with whoever we were going to be with (protector/provider and nurturer/helpmeet). We shared commonalities on pretty much everything. I was still trying to convince myself I was physically attracted to her prior to meeting her though. We met in a place 2/3 hours away from both of our towns because we were long-distance. We got separate hotel rooms and hung out when we got there. We watched a movie and then eventually started making out. We had been flirting via text and FaceTime too about giving each other massages, so we also did that. I wasn't thinking and went too far and we did everything except things below the belt that first night. She was all for it, but I justified to myself that it wasn't that bad to go that far. We then played chess, went bowling, etc. over the next few days we were visiting each other... however, we got more and more physically intimate (still above the belt). I asked her to be my girlfriend and she happily agreed. The second to last day we were being intimate and she got triggered into a trauma response due to something I had said to her when we were playfully being intimate and then she explained to me the entire rape experience in detail. This kinda gave me secondary trauma because of the horrible things that happened to her by that man. I just held her and really felt sad and angry as she told me this. It's hard for me to remember the rest of the night. Then on the last day that we were staying together, we stayed in the same bed and I woke up in the middle of the night and randomly had the urge (which I followed through with, much to my dismay after the fact) to heavy-pet her. She went along with it. I struggled with that because I finally was feeling as if I crossed a boundary and had been sexual with her past what was proper prior to marriage. So, she left the next morning and drove back home.
When I got back home I talked to my spiritual father about everything that had happened and he shared with me what would be best for me to do in the future. When I told her about my moving the boundary back she felt shamed by me in the way I did it (essentially I was flirting with her and sent her a picture of her underwear that she had given me and then she flirted back with me and then I called her to tell her I wanted to move the boundary back to being not as sexual (essentially what would be appropriate if I was with her family with her). She then was distant for a day and then texted me saying that she just wanted me to be consistent with her. So I promised her that I would and that was what I honestly wanted anyways. We kept flirting, but she and I then planned a trip to visit her family. Between this next visit, she told me that she loved me and she got me a really fantastic gift with a bunch of things that hinted at what her family was like and random things she thought I'd like. I thought that her telling me she loved me was pretty soon, but I thought/did love her because I chose to and I told her that I loved her back as well. Fast forward to me meeting her family... I had a great time and her family was really generous. We played a bunch of games and hung out, went to dinner, and did an escape room, etc. On the first night when I got in, we were physically intimate, but we held the boundary that I had set which was no clothes off and just making out. She wanted to go further and I essentially told her that when she pushed to go further I felt disrespected and she essentially cried when she couldn't go further because she said it was difficult. Each night she wanted to be intimate and I essentially caved to going to second base above the clothing because I didn't see that as that bad. I told her that I wanted to marry her on the second to last night of our visit and she said she wanted to marry me as well. We both shared why that was from each of our perspectives and we even talked over dinner about rings, etc. After this visit, I was feeling great and everything. We had already had a 3rd trip set up for her to visit me after this trip. Between this trip and the final one she essentially broke down once on facetime saying that she wanted to go further sexually and she really couldn't communicate well what she was feeling or wanting so I was having to ask so many questions to figure that out. It was exhausting, but I didn't care because I loved her. I think it all had to do with the trauma anyways... So we established a new boundary of nothing below the belt, but everything else was okay. She got an AirBnB because my roommate didn't want a girl staying at our apartment as it was small. This irritated me, but I offered to pay for half of the AirBnB for her, but she said it was okay, so I didn't. When she got in town everything was great. I had a standup comedy show planned for us and we did that. We were going to go to Church the next morning, but she got sick and stayed home while I went to Liturgy. On the way back I got her stuff for her cough and even prior to Liturgy got her dayquil and the like. When I got back she asked me if I still was attracted to her and loved her when she was sick like that and I said yes. We then later that day went to the park because she was feeling better and we played some chess, and then she saw some people dancing (and she's a dancer so we had danced some and we both enjoyed it), so we went over and she danced with me and also (primarily actually) with other dancers at the park because I was a noob and didn't really know how to dance that well. So I just watched for. a majority of the time while she danced with other guys. She looked like she was having fun, so I did;t want to break frame. I started to feel jealous, but I combated those thoughts with prayer. Fast forward to the next day, we had an argument because of some miscommunication and I essentially was being wishywashy about what I was doing for lunch. She was working and I just went to go to the gym and went to get lunch as well. The gym was closed so I came back and I got a bit sick because of some anxiety I was having. But, she said that she felt like her family was so hospitable to me and I wasn't being a provider like I had originally said I would be. She also told me that I hadn't paid her for half of the hotel room from our first visit that I thought I had paid for and I told her I'd pay for it... but she said that it was okay and that I didn't have to. Being in grad school I was doing my best, but that wasn't my intention at all to not be a provider. I fell into not paying my part there on the first trip by accident, but it was noted. That night I had clients and then we went out on a date to a pool bar and the played pool and some other games. I thought it went well. We went back home ad we got intimate again and played truth or dare. As we were playing we started getting intimate again and she wanted to go below the belt on me and I told her no... this triggered a trauma response in her because she felt out of control and I stayed with her and I didn't know what to do. I just put my hand on her and told her that I'd stay with her until she fell asleep. She said that it would be worse if she woke up and I wasn't there... so I left her and went out to my bed out in the living room of the airbnb because I thought she wanted me to leave, but also, I told her that I wouldn't be staying the night with her as a part of the boundary after our first visit when I had established the boundary and I wanted to be consistent for her by not staying with her that night in her bedroom. Looking back, I could have stayed with her by pulling a chair up and holding her hand... but I messed up and didn't do that and made a mistake. After this night is when I started to break frame and all went downhill. After this night she told me in the morning she didn't sleep at all that entire night and that it was the second-worst night she had ever experienced next to the night she was raped. She physically and emotionally distanced from me for the next 3 days. We hung out with my friends that Tuesday night and then went out with a friend of mine and his girlfriend. She was very physically and emotionally distant from me the entire time on those nights except for in small moments where things seemed normal... but then she got distant again. I started getting really anxious, but I was more passive about it all because I felt like I was walking on eggshells now. She kept asking me where I was at through all of this and I just told her that I missed her joy and I wished she'd bring that back. When I asked her where she was at, she essentially said to me she was still figuring it out. This gave me a lot of anxiety and led me to keep asking her "do you still love me, and telling her that when she said that "she was still figuring it out" I felt like she was going to leave me. This distance made me angry one night and she told me that she perceived that I was angry and I just told her I was not angry, but sad that things were the way they were. I then hugged her and she just looked really sad and stoic without emotion. Stone cold. The next day after she was done working I told her that I could go for the night if she needed space, but then she sprung on me that she wanted to wait to get engaged until I was out of grad school. we had planned to get engaged the next month on a trip that I had already bought plane tickets for (non-refundable). But, this trip was still on (or so I thought) and I told her that that was fine so as to give her space and not force anything. That evening we got a couples massage. She said that she was irritated because I was saying that we couldn't take our clothes off in front of each other, but we could get a couples massage...? I thought she'd enjoy it but I got complaints. She said thank you afterwards, but that was when it started to get weird... that night she wanted to be intimate again and get down into lingerie and she wanted me to go below the belt on her. She asked me if I wanted to see her in her underwear that I had seen at the couples massage earlier, but I said "if she wanted to," but then she said "that's what every girl wants to hear" in an irritating way so then I just told her I wanted to see her in her lingerie and that I desired her. She told me she had "shaved for me" and everything. I told her that I wouldn't go below the belt with her and told her that I wanted to, but that I wouldn't... she pouted and got irritated and that's how the night ended. I was super confused because she had been emotionally and physically distant for the prior days and this was a complete back and forth. Fast forward to the next day. My parents came in the next day as they were planning to meet her and we all seemed to have a great time. Everything seemed back to normal. A little distance from her emotionally and physically, but nothing as noticeable as those 3 days prior. We played cards, went to dinner, hung out with my family for two and a half days. She said that she didn't want to be physical anymore those nights when my parents were in and just looked sad each time it was just her and me. When my parents were around she was either stoic or happily talking with them.
