A sexless marriage is a catastrophe for men

Waverer

Robin
A SEXLESS MARRIAGE IS A CATASTROPHE FOR MEN
August 7, 2020 Lori Alexander Comments 0 Comment

“Research shows men and women have affairs for different reasons. For men, it’s almost always a result of a sexless marriage. For women, it’s a result of emotional deprivation: the husband is too wrapped up in his job or his hobbies or whatever else to give his wife the time and attention she needs. That’s a great example of the research shows men and women have affairs for different reasons. Many wives are all too happy to go years without sex. For men, it’s a catastrophe.”
This is a quote from Suzanne Venker’s new book “How to Be a Wife.” My husband mentors men. Many, if not most, of the men he mentors tells him that their wives don’t want to give them sex. It’s as if these wives have decided they don’t want it, so they don’t want to give it. They falsely believe that it’s not part of the marriage vow that they made to their husbands. They are tearing their homes down with their own hands.
The Apostle Paul commands those that burn to marry; for it is better to marry than to burn. He also commands us to not deprive our husbands for lack of self-control. Most godly men marry because they burn. They want sex. They want a wife who is available to them to meet this need. If you are married, you are to fulfill that need for your husband. If you don’t, you have some part in his seeking out porn or an affair if he does.
I know women hate to hear this, but it’s true. God warns of this happening if we deprive our husbands! He commands us not to deprive our husbands because of this. Yes, if the husband begins to look at porn or have an affair, he will stand guilty for his sin but the wives will stand guilty for depriving their husbands.
As Suzanne said, going without sex is a catastrophe for men. They were created to want and need sex. God gave them this strong sex drive to marry and bear children. It’s a good thing when used within the bonds of marriage. Don’t deprive your husbands, women! Build your homes up and be a willing partner for your husband. This is a huge part of keeping your marriages strong.
Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:5
 

MiroKlose

Sparrow
A man who has control over his sense organs (self-control) is a real man. That is how it was before this devious sexual revolution. A man who is constantly in need of sex has become a slave of his genitals.

In my Marriage I am the one who decides if I want to have sex or not, regardless of what my wife thinks. And I have sex not so often as it affects my connection to god and erodes my will power. If I have to have sex regularly then it would only be for the purpose of procreation.

The above sexual frustration is only for men whose wives were former sluts and they don't wanna have sex with him or they are just banging outside the marriage and he knows it somehow at a guttural level.
 

NoMoreTO

Ostrich
I don't think there is anything wrong with having frequent sex while married. You are supposed to give yourself to the person and not deny them, unless you are taking a break for a spiritual fast. I think this also applies to men refusing sex with their wives, although the norm is women refusing men.

Women today struggle to understand that once they are wives, having sex is a marital duty. Perhaps the fact that they are working so aften, and earning, makes them feel they are freed from this duty to their husbands, who must provide.
 

Waverer

Robin
I am not aware of any evidence to support the idea that men who want sex regularly with their own wives are less "real men" - either in science or in the Bible. It just sounds like macho posturing about his low sex drive (not that there is anything wrong with that - it's the posturing that is misguided).
 

Handsome Creepy Eel

Owl
Gold Member
The idea that you should not want sex in your marriage is an empty rationalization, similar to a woman who marries a deadbeat and then postures to her girlfriends about "not wanting any handouts from anyone anyway". Marriage is not an alien spaceship where you drastically alter your needs, feelings and the way of life. Rather, it simply stabilizes and improves them through the beneficial effects of marital unity and God's blessings.
 
I'm not married, but I've lived together.
With time and problems, the frequency naturally falls ... it loses its charm, its passion.
I think women could try harder and understand that men are visual, do not wear pajamas at home, makeup and perfume at home are welcome, hair loose and washed too.
Men are simple, women don't understand that. Or they do not want to because their lives are also pulled by the double feminist journey sucking the whole soul.

My married friends always speak negatively about sexual life after the arrival of a baby, the woman's libido falls because nature is perfect and leaves the mother to those who really need it.
 
I'm not married, but I've lived together.
With time and problems, the frequency naturally falls ... it loses its charm, its passion.
I think women could try harder and understand that men are visual, do not wear pajamas at home, makeup and perfume at home are welcome, hair loose and washed too.
Men are simple, women don't understand that. Or they do not want to because their lives are also pulled by the double feminist journey sucking the whole soul.

My married friends always speak negatively about sexual life after the arrival of a baby, the woman's libido falls because nature is perfect and leaves the mother to those who really need it.
I wouldn't put much stock into relationship experiences based on fornication and cohabitation. Realize that the way western society has been operating for the past 70 years is 1,un godly, and 2, unnatural.

When man puts himself in a "relationship" with a woman, everything goes downhill. The fornication will get "boring" because Sex is meant for procreation. If no babies are being made, yes, your gf will get bored of you and you of her. This happens in virtually all relationships because the meaning of sex today has been turned into one of novelty rather than pro-creation.

As far as the woman's libido "falling" after having her first kid, that is also modern societies fault and a lie. If it were true that a woman's libido would "fall" after the first child and continually deny the husband sex, our grandparents, great grandparents and beyond, would not have had 5+ kids each, each generation. Women's libido "fall" because they have to return to work 3 months after having a kid, the husband is doing too many feminine duties, thereby turning her off, shes having kids in her mid 30s with barely any energy left, or she is so overwhelmed with one child, she wants no more, since mothers today are having 1.5 children. It is no longer modern woman's goal to continue having as many children as possible and please her husband. When your wife works, expect this to occur. If your gf works, expect the same thing. She can only be loyal to YOU or to Mamon. The vast majority choose mamon.

Forget everything you learned during your Fornication days. Start learning what the Church & Church fathers have to say on Courtship and Marriage. It will be best that way.
 
You have to be a man about it and figure out what works without becoming a pandering pushover. For women sex is far more mental and emotional than physical. You have to train your wife on some level to meet your needs and keep you happy if she isn't able to figure it out. It's also a two way street where you will need to meet her needs aswell, the best you can, and even curbing some of them to be what she needs and what's good for her rather than what she wants. Men after all should be the leaders.
 

Elipe

Woodpecker
Yeah, when you first marry and start having sex, it's all over the place and you're doing it multiple times a day, but then it slows down because the novelty has worn off. It's just a matter of shifting priorities, because you figure out after a while that yes, as nice as sex is, it's really not the end all be all of a relationship. You have other fish to fry too, and as a husband, your areas of responsibility just keeps growing throughout your life, especially when you start having kids. You kind of just lose track of the time to have sex, not because you don't want it, but because you're dealing with so many other things too. But as the man, you're definitely going to be the one responsible for taking initiative most of the time, so you do need to make time for that in your and your wife's day regularly.

Basically, like Canadian Bacon says, you have to make it work without being a pandering pushover. And trust me, the wife appreciates it a lot when you do that. That's the thing... marriage is not going to be that honeymoon phase of puppy love all the time where things just seem to naturally happen to you without any effort. It eventually gets to the point where you do have to stop what you're doing, get up, and tell your wife to mosey on over to the bedroom, and she'll be enthusiastic about it, so that's obvious that the desire is still there, it's just not overpowering like in the honeymoon phase.
 
One of the most important cultural changes in the last 30 years was the change to what's called "no-fault divorce" which means the court no longer bothers to figure out who caused the marriage to fail (and punish that person). The court just divides the assets.

In practice, this is an incentive for women who initiate a divorce. We call it "cashing out" these days.

There's a movie from before the no-fault days that really starkly demonstrates how the world has changed. The movie is titled "Intolerable Cruelty."
The plot is an evil woman hoping to triumph in divorce course and obtain a rich man's wealth. It turns out (spoiler) that they prove in court that she only married him in the first place because she planned to divorce him. As a result of this, she gets nothing. Today in 2020, it's amazing to think that such a thing used to be possible.

I bring all this up in this thread because "spousal abandonment" used to be a valid reason for a divorce. In days gone by, if your wife refused to sleep with you, you could divorce her without losing your shirt. Today, the saying goes, "it's cheaper to keep her."

So we now have a culture where women are incentivized to "cash out" and where men have no choice but to stay because "it's cheaper to keep her."

I'm more surprised that any marriage still involves sex. Why would a woman have sex with you once you've submitted to a deal this awful - that has to seem pretty unattractive to a woman.
 

bucky

Pelican
One of the most important cultural changes in the last 30 years was the change to what's called "no-fault divorce" which means the court no longer bothers to figure out who caused the marriage to fail (and punish that person). The court just divides the assets.

In practice, this is an incentive for women who initiate a divorce. We call it "cashing out" these days.

There's a movie from before the no-fault days that really starkly demonstrates how the world has changed. The movie is titled "Intolerable Cruelty."
The plot is an evil woman hoping to triumph in divorce course and obtain a rich man's wealth. It turns out (spoiler) that they prove in court that she only married him in the first place because she planned to divorce him. As a result of this, she gets nothing. Today in 2020, it's amazing to think that such a thing used to be possible.

I bring all this up in this thread because "spousal abandonment" used to be a valid reason for a divorce. In days gone by, if your wife refused to sleep with you, you could divorce her without losing your shirt. Today, the saying goes, "it's cheaper to keep her."

So we now have a culture where women are incentivized to "cash out" and where men have no choice but to stay because "it's cheaper to keep her."

I'm more surprised that any marriage still involves sex. Why would a woman have sex with you once you've submitted to a deal this awful - that has to seem pretty unattractive to a woman.
I guess you just have to do it right. My wife can't keep her hands off me. We've been together for close to ten years now.
 

Lionheart

Pigeon
Why would anyone want to get married in today's culture? It seems no matter what you do as a man, you are betting a losing hand. Biblical marriage and our modern day marriages are two completely different things. Unless you come from a very orthodox religion and are marrying a woman in that same community I would avoid it all together. Remember, Jesus and Paul were single.
 

Elipe

Woodpecker
Why would anyone want to get married in today's culture? It seems no matter what you do as a man, you are betting a losing hand. Biblical marriage and our modern day marriages are two completely different things. Unless you come from a very orthodox religion and are marrying a woman in that same community I would avoid it all together. Remember, Jesus and Paul were single.
Paul also said that it is better for those who burn with passion to marry, because then there's a legitimate outlet for that. Yes, it is better if you can stay single and dedicated to the Lord, but Paul also said that that is not for everybody, and that it is not sinning to marry.

If you don't want to marry, then don't marry, but abstain for the sake of the Lord, not for yourself. Contrary to narrative, marriage really isn't for everybody.
 
I guess you just have to do it right. My wife can't keep her hands off me. We've been together for close to ten years now.
I just want to point out hat you didn't answer the question. The question was, why would a woman continue to have sex with a man who accepted a deal as awful as modern secular marriage? The question was, doesn't taking a bad deal make you seem unattractive?

And that's not a rhetorical question. One of the most important lessons I learned once I got into the whole "red pill" thing was, if I kept a woman at arms length - if I refused to commit to her - she treated me better than I had ever been treated before. So there I was, out there being a degenerate man-whore ... but having more success and getting more loyalty from women than ever before in my life.

I'm divorced. I really did try to make marriage work, but I couldn't. I also tried to make other relationships work. I was always willing to commit entirely, and the women always got bored - there was always disrespect and neglect. Then I started telling women "no, I will never commit to you" and suddenly they clung to me and made an effort and showed me I had value.

So this is a real question that I'm asking here. And if you have answers, then you should help the other men here by posting them. Don't blow this off. This is a men's community where the founder and leader is trying to move us away from secular promiscuity. This question of how to make marriages work is the most important question we have to answer, if that's the way we're going to go.

Why would anyone want to get married in today's culture?
Well as you go on to point out, religious people have a reason to do it. And their marriages do have better outcomes.

There are also men who want children, and they know the children will have better outcomes in a loving two-parent home.

Religious isn't a panacea though, as even their marriages fail. But at least they have a moral framework that they impose where they can tell a woman, "you have a duty to this man - remember your vow" (although I keep hearing of churches failing to enforce that). Outside of religion, I don't know how you do it.
 

Lionheart

Pigeon
I just want to point out hat you didn't answer the question. The question was, why would a woman continue to have sex with a man who accepted a deal as awful as modern secular marriage? The question was, doesn't taking a bad deal make you seem unattractive?

And that's not a rhetorical question. One of the most important lessons I learned once I got into the whole "red pill" thing was, if I kept a woman at arms length - if I refused to commit to her - she treated me better than I had ever been treated before. So there I was, out there being a degenerate man-whore ... but having more success and getting more loyalty from women than ever before in my life.

I'm divorced. I really did try to make marriage work, but I couldn't. I also tried to make other relationships work. I was always willing to commit entirely, and the women always got bored - there was always disrespect and neglect. Then I started telling women "no, I will never commit to you" and suddenly they clung to me and made an effort and showed me I had value.

So this is a real question that I'm asking here. And if you have answers, then you should help the other men here by posting them. Don't blow this off. This is a men's community where the founder and leader is trying to move us away from secular promiscuity. This question of how to make marriages work is the most important question we have to answer, if that's the way we're going to go.



Well as you go on to point out, religious people have a reason to do it. And their marriages do have better outcomes.

There are also men who want children, and they know the children will have better outcomes in a loving two-parent home.

Religious isn't a panacea though, as even their marriages fail. But at least they have a moral framework that they impose where they can tell a woman, "you have a duty to this man - remember your vow" (although I keep hearing of churches failing to enforce that). Outside of religion, I don't know how you do it.
I would not want to bring children into this culture. Again, Paul and Jesus didn't have kids. The world will live if I don't reproduce.
 

redbeard

Hummingbird
Moderator
I would not want to bring children into this culture. Again, Paul and Jesus didn't have kids. The world will live if I don't reproduce.
Yes, the world will live, but will the faith? Imagine if all Christians stopped having kids. That would be a disaster, and no one would know Logos. It's our responsibility to create little disciples to send out into the world. Running away from this duty because of "da culture" is cowardice.
 

Lionheart

Pigeon
The culture actually raises the kids. How many Christian kids go off to college to become blue haired lesbians or soy boys? A lot. Adam and Eve were commanded to multiply and replenish the Earth, Christians were not. There are almost 8 billion people on Earth currently, we don't need more. Christianity can grow by missionary work and conversions.
 

Elipe

Woodpecker
It's our responsibility to create little disciples to send out into the world. Running away from this duty because of "da culture" is cowardice.
No, it's not our responsibility to create little disciples to send out into the world. That's what conservatives said about public schooling, and that just brought their kids back with buzzcuts and mutilated genitals. Disciplehood isn't the parents' responsibility, it is the responsibility of the individual himself.

Raise a God-fearing child, and then once the child is of age, what he does as a disciple is between God and him, and you are not involved. If your little one ends up deciding he wants a home out on the plains with white picket fences, that is perfectly within his God-given right to do so. If he is called to be elsewhere, then he will be called.
 
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