Any Tips for Expecting / New Fathers?

RWIsrael

Woodpecker
There's no fatherhood forum and I wasn't able to find anything in the older forum posts.

The wife and I are expecting a boy soon - a matter of months.

I wanted to get the RVF no-BS downlow on coping with and smashing / excelling at fatherhood. Managing the baby, the wife, the sleeping hours, clothes, logistics, shopping, house setup etc.
Hints, tips and hacks are all appreciated.

Most sites and Google results come up with beta BS like "help with the breastfeeding", "make your wife lunch and massage her feet" or obvious platitudes like "it's tough but worth it". While these do have some merit, I'm looking for the practical, pragmatic stuff.

Thanks!
 

bubs

Newbie
The big Questions
1). Is your wife going to be a stay at home mom for years on end or going back to work after a few months, going to drop to part time work etc?
2). Also how old are you and you’re wife and do you plan on having more than 1 child.
 

RWIsrael

Woodpecker
The big Questions
1). Is your wife going to be a stay at home mom for years on end or going back to work after a few months, going to drop to part time work etc?
2). Also how old are you and you’re wife and do you plan on having more than 1 child.
1) Not sure yet, most likely she'll be doing something part time after a few months. Her going back full time probably won't work for us (although the extra income is always nice).
2) We are in our mid-30's, for now no plans for more kids but that can quickly change.
 
When i told my buddy (father of a 2 yr old at the time) my wife was pregnant, said "if I were you, I'd be sleeping right now, and videotaping it so I could watch it later and remember."

Joking aside, the thing that helped most was having the kids on a rigid schedule and a set routine: meals at the same time, Bath at the same time, naps at the same time, bed at the same time etc. Not only does it help you as parents but it gives the kid a sense of stability.

Also, when you start the routine from day 1, they expect what's next on the schedule, so there's no fighting it. We'd listen to the neighbour kids screaming every time they had to go in the bath, but we never had that: they just knew it was bath time and that was that.

That's the biggest i can think of for now, I'll add more later.
 

bubs

Newbie
Good to know those details. If you have in-laws Or you parents nearby to help, that will be huge. I remember once when both my wife and I and our baby were all sick with the flu at the same time. You know how hard it is to deal with a baby when you can barely get up off the bathroom floor? Luckily we were able to call my mother to come over to help for a few hours.
 
First off congratulations. This is a great thing for you and your family.

I don't have kids but I remember what a friend of mine told me when he reflected upon fatherhood: 'During the first few years of a child's life, the father is fucking useless'.
What he meant by that was that the child's needs in the first few years are fully met by its mother, in a way a father never can match. The mother breastfeeds, cares and looks after the child and is its main person of contact.
The older the child gets, the importance of the father increases, as he is the guide to the world and its chances and dangers.
The best thing a father can do in the first few years (1-2) however, is to support his family logistically and financially the best he can.
This is the opposite of what modern media wants to tell fathers, that they should take father time off from work after a child is born so they can help take care of the baby. Utter nonsense, a man can't help shit with taking care of a baby. Concentrate on providing and supporting your wife so she can do her best as a mother.

So there you have it, take it with a grain of salt since I do not have this experience, but this is what my friend told me, and it stuck with me more than anything else that I have heard about fatherhood so far.
 

bubs

Newbie
There is a mean joke God plays on new fathers. Your wife’s sex drive will be at an all time low for months after the baby, but her body will be rockin (nice full breasts). So mean!
 

Laner

Hummingbird
Gold Member
Congrats!

- Routine. Routine. Routine. Kids need security and nothing gives them security like knowing that x = y
- I made a custom crib thing that matched our bed height so we could co sleep without the co sleep. When the baby woke, my wife just fed him right there in bed. It was actually quite peaceful and I have fond memories of it.
- Spend mornings in bed together. Give yourself an extra bit of time each morning to just cuddle. Naked. All of you. Babies smell and feel their dads, and their hairy hard bodies give them security. Find some new music that you can listen too that will always remind you of this time.
- Change your baby once in a while. Some of the strongest bonding I had was when I let my son freeball on the change table for a few minutes while he googood sounds to me.

There will be plenty more, but the baby section is going to be pretty straight forward.
 

bubs

Newbie
My daughter was great at taking afternoon naps for at least 1-2 hrs up until she was 3 years old Every Saturday and Sunday....her and I would put on the TV in the bedroom and we would both be out! Tip: Learn to sleep when the baby sleeps. And pray for a baby that sleeps /naps well. It’s completely random luck.
 

kel

Kingfisher
Congrats!

There was a child-rearing thread started recently, don't think it got off the ground though. I am very interested in hearing everyone's experiences and tips and tricks and such. I'm looking to have kids in the next year or two (a very big project) and looking at the world they'll be coming into and the legions set against them can be very blackpilling. Practical information exchange is important.
 

RWIsrael

Woodpecker
Good to know those details. If you have in-laws Or you parents nearby to help, that will be huge. I remember once when both my wife and I and our baby were all sick with the flu at the same time. You know how hard it is to deal with a baby when you can barely get up off the bathroom floor? Luckily we were able to call my mother to come over to help for a few hours.
Yeah both our parents are far away (another country) - especially with the Corona craze it'll be a challenge but we'll try to have them visit as soon as we can.
Now add 2 large dogs to the mix and it's a party.
 

RWIsrael

Woodpecker
Congrats!

- Routine. Routine. Routine. Kids need security and nothing gives them security like knowing that x = y
- I made a custom crib thing that matched our bed height so we could co sleep without the co sleep. When the baby woke, my wife just fed him right there in bed. It was actually quite peaceful and I have fond memories of it.
- Spend mornings in bed together. Give yourself an extra bit of time each morning to just cuddle. Naked. All of you. Babies smell and feel their dads, and their hairy hard bodies give them security. Find some new music that you can listen too that will always remind you of this time.
- Change your baby once in a while. Some of the strongest bonding I had was when I let my son freeball on the change table for a few minutes while he googood sounds to me.

There will be plenty more, but the baby section is going to be pretty straight forward.
Awesome advice! I like the idea of having the baby sleep right next to the bed initially.
 

kel

Kingfisher
I've gradually been collecting books (physical, preferably, but also eBooks) and other media (old pre-pozzed Sesame Street I found torrents of, etc) to save for my future children. Media is so pozzed these days, and they're straight up editing books to fit the modern narrative, so I'm trying to prepare in advance.

Anyone have suggestions for what to collect?
 

redbeard

Hummingbird
Moderator
I've gradually been collecting books (physical, preferably, but also eBooks) and other media (old pre-pozzed Sesame Street I found torrents of, etc) to save for my future children. Media is so pozzed these days, and they're straight up editing books to fit the modern narrative, so I'm trying to prepare in advance.

Anyone have suggestions for what to collect?
Veggie Tales DVD's
 
The wife and I are expecting a boy soon - a matter of months.
Of course I forgot to add: congratulations. Your life will change fundamentally.

Favourite hack for later: when the baby is teething and needs relief. You know the tough core you cut out of the middle of a pineapple? Cut that into little sticks and put in the freezer. When baby is suffering from gum pain, give him one to chew on, he'll love it. The cold soothes the gums, it tastes good, and it's good for him.

Reading: this book is several years old now but I liked it at the time, the basic message holds true.
How to Raise Geeks

From the same author: Don't Let the Kids Drink the Kool-Aid
 
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Laner

Hummingbird
Gold Member
I've gradually been collecting books (physical, preferably, but also eBooks) and other media (old pre-pozzed Sesame Street I found torrents of, etc) to save for my future children. Media is so pozzed these days, and they're straight up editing books to fit the modern narrative, so I'm trying to prepare in advance.

Anyone have suggestions for what to collect?
My mother in law got two rag bunny cuddles from Japan. It was meant to hold body odor of the parents. My wife slept with hers, I took mine and wiped my sweaty chest and neck after a day of welding. He tossed hers out of his crib and plopped mine on his face and slept like that til we took it away from him last year. Taking that threadbare bunny away from him was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, I swear. That night was like a foggy nightmare of tears and broken hearts.

Books. Anything you like. The sound of your voice is 80% of the reason in the first years. Colorful pictures are good. Books that rhyme are great. Books where you can do different voices are fun. You must like the book, as you will be reading it over and over again.

For when he is a bit older; My son wanted these books starting around 2.5 years:

The best book - by a LONG shot - for my son is Way of the Warrior Kid by Jocko. Unreal good. In the past year, we have read book 1 & 2 no less than 20 times. It has for real changed our lives. Perhaps mine more than his, but it has put my son on such a good path I can't put into words how grateful I am of this series.

He also really enjoys the USBORNE series of King Arthur, and Norse Myths and Legends. USBORNE books seem to be pretty good. In fact, the King Arthur book holds back nothing in revealing the true nature of women and men. Certainly red pill.

TV is harder. I did Mr Dressup for a long time. The old Magic School Bus was pretty good. My wife does some Japanese NHK programs that seem really good. But TV is a fucking disaster really.
 

bubs

Newbie
I’m sure I’m speaking on behalf of most fathers out there... being present for the birth of your first child will be the greatest experience of your life.
 

RWIsrael

Woodpecker
My mother in law got two rag bunny cuddles from Japan. It was meant to hold body odor of the parents. My wife slept with hers, I took mine and wiped my sweaty chest and neck after a day of welding. He tossed hers out of his crib and plopped mine on his face and slept like that til we took it away from him last year. Taking that threadbare bunny away from him was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, I swear. That night was like a foggy nightmare of tears and broken hearts.

Books. Anything you like. The sound of your voice is 80% of the reason in the first years. Colorful pictures are good. Books that rhyme are great. Books where you can do different voices are fun. You must like the book, as you will be reading it over and over again.

For when he is a bit older; My son wanted these books starting around 2.5 years:

The best book - by a LONG shot - for my son is Way of the Warrior Kid by Jocko. Unreal good. In the past year, we have read book 1 & 2 no less than 20 times. It has for real changed our lives. Perhaps mine more than his, but it has put my son on such a good path I can't put into words how grateful I am of this series.

He also really enjoys the USBORNE series of King Arthur, and Norse Myths and Legends. USBORNE books seem to be pretty good. In fact, the King Arthur book holds back nothing in revealing the true nature of women and men. Certainly red pill.

TV is harder. I did Mr Dressup for a long time. The old Magic School Bus was pretty good. My wife does some Japanese NHK programs that seem really good. But TV is a fucking disaster really.
The Jocko Willink book suggestion really speaks to me, I hope the kid will approve :)
I would really like to avoid too much screen time, mostly because I can't stand children's TV shows but also to have more physical interactions. Easier said than done I'm sure.
 

Leonard D Neubache

Owl
Gold Member
Focus on the baby stuff. The kid stuff is still a ways off.

You will learn to sleep when the baby sleeps. If that's at 4 in the afternoon then you sleep at 4 in the afternoon. We put a single bed in the baby's room and took turns being on shift. I second the advice about having the crib at bed height. Sleep is no joke when the baby is around. Some people are blessed to have extremely placid babies. I wasn't. When you only have to look after yourself then sleep deprivation is a mere inconvenience. But when you're sleep deprived and looking after a baby it's very easy to make simple mistakes like forgetting to check how hot the milk you just reheated is before you give it to them.

Get.

Sleep.

Also, try to streamline all of your non-baby duties. If you can afford a dishwasher, buy one. If you can afford a maid, hire one. If you have a high maintenance garden now is the time to burn it down and salt the earth. That last part is an exaggeration but you get the idea.
 
When i told my buddy (father of a 2 yr old at the time) my wife was pregnant, said "if I were you, I'd be sleeping right now, and videotaping it so I could watch it later and remember."

Joking aside, the thing that helped most was having the kids on a rigid schedule and a set routine: meals at the same time, Bath at the same time, naps at the same time, bed at the same time etc. Not only does it help you as parents but it gives the kid a sense of stability.

Also, when you start the routine from day 1, they expect what's next on the schedule, so there's no fighting it. We'd listen to the neighbour kids screaming every time they had to go in the bath, but we never had that: they just knew it was bath time and that was that.

That's the biggest i can think of for now, I'll add more later.
I'll second this. Our daughter thrives on routine and knows what to expect (she'll remind us even if were a couple minutes late). The recent changes due to Covid have been hard on her, but she's learning to adapt and develop new schedules.

Other things:
  • Do what you think is best. You're going to get a lot of info and 'advice' from friends and especially family. Listen, but decide for yourselves. This is your baby and your family. Only you know what's best
  • Similar to the previous bullet - don't tell people the baby's name (or ideas) until after it's born. I was given this advice after a friend had it go horribly wrong on the naming of their first from family's expectations and "considerations". It makes it much easier to announce to the world.
  • Read! Read to them, Read with them. Every day. Read a book and then go on an adventure based on something in the book so they associate that positive action with books. Get them to love books!
  • You need to be the epitome of strength/calm when problems happen.
  • Don't argue in front of the kids. Save that for later. You 2 need to be a united front.
  • Limit screen time.
  • Definitely agree on the dishwasher and maid if you can. It allows you to spend time with the kids or doing something else important around the house.
  • Spend individual time with the kid, just the 2 of you.
  • That said, Don't lose yourself. Be sure to make time for yourself and your hobbies, while realizing in that first year, newborns are completely dependent on you, so your hobby/pal time will suffer.
  • Watch your mouth! Kids listen to everything you say and will repeat it - even if you only said it once. Girls are even better than boys at this, all while looking like they aren't even paying attention to you.
  • Most importantly. Enjoy it! It goes by incredibly fast. Don't forget pics and videos. That "unforgettable" moment that you took a picture of today will be forgotten in months, if not weeks! I wouldn't trade my time with my kids for anything (well maybe a corvette :cool::poo:)
 
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