I have written this note several times in my head for over a decade, and this one finally feels right. No edits, no overthinking.
Given this line appears at the start of the suicide note like the attention-grabbing first line of a shit NYT article or made-to-house-style book, this pretty much is a lie, and has been both carefully edited and way overthought.
Let's leave aside it was left on the front page of her own domain, her own website, i.e. her own identity. I've heard of people rehearsing their suicides, but who rehearses and edits their suicide
note in their brain?
Short answer: someone who wants to be seen as something. Even, and especially, after they're dead; after all, she's talking about going home to Dad afterward, this is an attempt to control her narrative, her story, she thinks she'll go on (note no religion in this. For Western men and women God at best looks exactly like you and approves of everything you do.)
The impetus that drove her to kill herself and write this disgusting piece of self-obsession as her last act is the same impetus that created Rachel Dolezal, transracialism, and most transgender children: it is a desire to hold one's story against all reality, force the world to accept it against all the facts.
I often felt detached while in a room full of my favorite people; I also felt absolutely nothing during what should have been the happiest and darkest times in my life. No single conversation or situation has led me to make this decision, so at what point do you metaphorically pull the trigger?
Very simply, you pull the trigger when all your efforts to make the world accept the brand you are putting out fail.
Emotional flat affect is standard if the Borderline Personality Disorder drugs you're taking are working. If your doctor has fucked up your SSRIs, emotional flat affect is a possibility also.
But given the feeling of detachment in a room full of "my favourite people" (note the terminology: not family, not friends - 'favourite people') -- then I tend to think standard-grade Western Narcissism was at work here. Narcissism is essentially the man in the glass box, where everyone in the world is just an extra where you are the main character. You can tell the most obvious narcissists as the ones who hated the ending of The Sopranos with a passion. Death is precisely as The Sopranos ended: cut to black, no curtain call, no swelling final theme, no end credits. The main character of a movie can't handle that.
So instead we get this: a suicide note posted for the
entire world to see -- as well as a suicide note that she wrote for those who found her. She wrote her final act and her final credits. And with the fuckheads at Fox News doing this, she is succeeding in forcing the world to accept that brand. The better thing would have been to ignore this story outright.