Site may have porn on it: https://knowingless.com/2020/05/25/readjusting-to-porn/READJUSTING TO PORN
As you probably know, I grew up in an isolated, homeschooled environment. I’d moved up to northern Idaho in an attempt to go to college, but my parents were very “use your bootstraps” people and wouldn’t help me financially or cosign on any loans. They also made too much money for me to qualify for financial aid, so I was screwed; a few months into college I got an ominous letter and had to drop out shortly afterwards.
I’d been brought up with the expectation of being a submissive housewife – but here I was, 19 years old, no support system, education, or future, and with an unsettling cultural disconnect from everyone around me. Everyone used words I didn’t know, references to movies I hadn’t seen, attitudes drawn from music I hadn’t heard.
So I worked whatever I could. I occasionally went hungry, unable to afford food. I slept on a mattress on the floor in a large group house. I ended up working very long hours at a factory with no windows where I wore a uniform and stood on my feet all day and saw the sun only on weekends.
So when someone told me about this thing called camming, that I could be a camgirl and maybe make money, I of course tried it.
I started camming when I was 20, and I did well. I was really really weird, produced out of some bizarre cultural dark alleyway and yet walking around in a lithe young body. I worked very hard and made a lot of money, eventually averaging $200/hr.
I did this for five years. Of course I would do this! I had no other real path in life. My adult identity grew around this. Internet sex work was my freedom. I learned performance, I learned how to flirt and be sexy – a huge task, given my previous isolation from any celebrations of harlotry. I made some of my deepest, longest lasting friendships with other camgirls; I used the funds from camming to travel the world. I cammed from Cape Town over an ocean view, from Australia, from Istanbul behind carefully drawn curtains.
I didn’t feel ashamed at all. Why would I feel ashamed of something that gave me so much freedom, that let me be something more than a housewife or a factory worker?
I’d been using my large horny following to gather data from, and over the years clumsily taught myself statistics as I tried to figure out how to analyze the data. A friend helped tutor me. So when a crypto ico told me they’d hire me as a data analyst if I quit camming…. I agreed.
The way people treated me online, changed. Normal, upstanding people started following me on twitter. Respectable authors would meet me for coffee and let me publicly share photos of us together. People invited me on podcasts. Eventually the majority of my internet following were people who didn’t know I’d ever done porn.
This went on for about three years. It was great.
And, as you know, I got back into porn. The allure of Onlyfans drew me in, as it has most women with two working breasts. I’d quit the crypto company to cofound Askhole years ago, but Askhole wasn’t exactly going to give me a retirement fund.
So, over the past twoish months (or since April 2020, if you’re in the future), I’ve been pornographic online again. This time is different – I’ve had a few years of SFW as a proper, established adult – something that doesn’t really have a parallel when I was 18 and confused. So here’s some weird mental things I’ve noticed.
I feel gendered. It’s increased since starting up Onlyfans recently, and I also noticed it decrease sharply after I quit camming years ago. The ‘gender’ sensation feels like it’s located in my lower pelvis and vagina, and it feels attached to me. I don’t typically have any internal sense of ‘woman,’ but I have a distinct sense of ‘womanness’ being lodged inside me.
I feel a disconnect with my identity. Over the past few years, “Aella” – which was originally my porn name – became something very close to me. I’ve written on this blog about deeply personal things, like my childhood abuse. I did a documentary where I tripped acid live on camera, where I sobbed freely. I enjoy a deep vulnerability here – and suddenly introducing sex work back into this is bizarre.
Because with sex work, I can’t be totally honest. I can’t even talk about this too much at a meta level for fear of losing income.
And so for the first time in a long time, I feel this ‘body suit’ sensation slipping over me. My body and my character feels like clothing, something heavy and thick that I’m wrapped in. I have the sensation of suddenly thousands upon thousands of eyes looking at me – I’m posting heavily on reddit so this is literally true – and them seeing my body suit laying like meat on top of me.
It doesn’t feel… bad, really? It feels a little surreal. My body meat feels like a tool I’m precisely wielding. It doesn’t feel like mine though, not really. The naked, bouncing photos of me on screen feel like an avatar I’m presenting in my stead.
I’ve got my twitter and my blog as nonsexual, as me. It’s bizarre that my name here shares the name under which I fuck myself on screen.
I’m noticing an irrational hatred at men (mostly the ones that comment on my posts outside of Onlyfans). I’m thinking loud, dramatic thoughts that are completely unfair, because I’m simultaneously making lots of money. There’s something about this exchange that makes me feel really sad. I feel sad for the men, compulsed to give me money. I feel sad for me, because I hate all men right now. It’s really hard for me to connect with the compassion I usually feel for the male sex. Maybe it’s because I feel like they’re not really looking at me? Evolution is so cruel.
I also notice some confused semi-shame at my return to porn. I didn’t feel this the first time – I entered camming so early, and it was so liberating for me, that I was simply thrilled. Now I have a reputation, or something. Now fancy people who have opinions that matter, have opinions that matter about me. I feel a little like I’m letting everyone down. I feel afraid that people will pull away from me. These fears feel fuzzy and unclear. The threat is unknown. I think I’m confused at how to handle my dual identity now. Do they think both Aellas are one and the same? Do they know that my porn Aella is simply a heavy floating suit of meat clothes?
The income from this is worth it. I have no education or serious job history or even mental discipline to work a normal 9-5 job. I know if I want to retire, standard career paths aren’t an option for me. Onlyfans income right now is giving me a serious shot at early retirement, and the freedom from that is so valuable. When I remember this, everything else becomes easier. My meat suit becomes a little lighter, and the confusion around reputation is a little less scary.
“So shun me,” I think. “At least I will have financial security. At least I’m not a stay-at-home housewife or working at a factory where don’t see the sun.”
She is not the first one to sell her soul for money. Unfortunately, there is no easy way for her to get her dignity back. Once it is on the internet, that is it.“So shun me,” I think. “At least I will have financial security. At least I’m not a stay-at-home housewife or working at a factory where don’t see the sun.”
She can get her dignity back. She just has to get off the internet, admit she was wrong (to herself) about her ego, admit that the higher power and purpose her parents presented her is right (because serving someone/something else is the best way to dispense with identity garbage. And when you serve God you serve all of mankind because you know your place) and then she will find a nice man to love and become happy, maybe have kids.She is not the first one to sell her soul for money. Unfortunately, there is no easy way for her to get her dignity back. Once it is on the internet, that is it.
Children are supposed to be over-protected. Children should be the Adam and Eve of the home. They should obey and be taken care of. The serpent (or today, the media) tells them they are too smart to be held back, too smart to be overprotected. Bite the apple, don't be sheltered. Learn something new, this is reality. And then what happens?A part of me feels sorry for her, but she was the one who chose the "easy" path. This does show the possible vulnerability of an over-protected childhood.
There's sheltered, which can keep a child too naive to eventually protect themselves when they grow up. And then there's over-protective out of love for the child / responsibility to God, vs over-protective because of a coward's desire to lord over things and keep them at least as ignorant as oneself. Tricky line. But no one said it would be easy.Children are supposed to be over-protected. Children should be the Adam and Eve of the home. They should obey and be taken care of. The serpent (or today, the media) tells them they are too smart to be held back, too smart to be overprotected. Bite the apple, don't be sheltered. Learn something new, this is reality. And then what happens?
When I was a kid (on a base) there was a pervert neighbor's father who would try to rub our legs alone, talk about porn, would be sexual with his daughters in front of me. I told my dad who beat the fuck out of him right in the street. The MPs investigated and dropped it quickly. If I werent overly protected I'd be a homo or tranny now. Dude had a nasty past so the MPs and officer of the day etc let it go Fathers are supposed to be so protective it feels stifling to a child. He knows best. And if he reports to the ultimate Father that is a winning team.
She has some giant emptiness inside her. She is full of anger and resentment. Maybe she could be saved, but it would take someone close to her I think, not some stranger sending her messages telling her how she is evil.Tagline: just here to return some dignity to your sex drive.
Limited offer: $21.77 for 30 days
2. What's on the feed? I post nudes, sexy videos, storytelling and my personal life, and also juicy, explicit teasers for pornos I make. I also sometimes post slightly more explicit videos that I delete after a week.
5. I send out a seriously dirty video to DMs about 1-2 times a week. I sometimes send longer versions to those with resub on! These are always priced at about 50% what I would be selling for outside of OF, like on a camsite for example.
7. Despite a noble effort, I don't have enough time to daily respond to all of my messages. I respond daily to messages with a tip attached - the minimum tip OF allows is $5, and that'll pin it to the top of my inbox for me! (If you're sending multiple messages, attach it to the *last* message, otherwise it doesn't notify me.) I usually reply to everyone eventually regardless of tip, just not daily.
I don't understand what happened. I came so hard yesterday, usually that gives me another two days at least before I get serious horny again. But here I am, the next day later, and my v____ is screaming that it needs to be filled. It's like I have an angry baby. I might need to break out the f___machine again.
I am surprised a truly plain looking woman could make a living on Onlyfans. How would you rate her? A five? A four? I wonder what the attraction is, for her customers... I have yet to see a picture of her.I went to her only fans site, just to put a face with a name. Gosh, if anyone is having troubles with pornography or masturbation, glancing at it could be a great cure. There is a fairly naughty picture of her at the top, but otherwise it's just really disturbing text that is very unsettling and makes me never want to watch this kind of content.
Then again, maybe I was just surprised at the novelty and gross transactional nature of it, as this was my first time looking at only fans.
It's pretty easy to casually click on a video of some breasts and butts that are found all over the net, but reading this, I don't know how you can be turned on:
She has some giant emptiness inside her. She is full of anger and resentment. Maybe she could be saved, but it would take someone close to her I think, not some stranger sending her messages telling her how she is evil.
This is her parent's fault. It's their responsibility to make sure that she develops into a suitable wife. And until then, that she can live at home and get by without selling her body to pay the bills. Sad.She was a home schooled Christian. She claims she was abused. She complains she couldn't find a husband because she didn't know pop-culture references. She says her parents wouldn't pay for her college, so she worked a factory job. Someone told her about doing cam porn. She enjoyed this because she thought it gave her "freedom" from being a housewife or working in a factory, and it allowed her to travel the world.
"IN PURSUIT OF A INTERNALLY CONSISTENT ANNIHILATION" sounds kind of Buddhist. If you strip away the flowery language in Buddhism, it really is about destruction of the individual, both of the soul and body.I see the writings of an intelligent girl who fell for the atheistic (actually, Satanic) trick of of elevating ego in the form of "identity". Identity is in ones own head and how they project themselves to others. And demand to be seen in that way (good example: trannies). People do this because they are empty inside.
At the top of all her posts you will find this statement:
"IN PURSUIT OF A INTERNALLY CONSISTENT ANNIHILATION"
What type of person writes about destroying herself day after day and pretends it is empowering? And finds that statement so amazing it appears at the top of every post? This is 90s nihilism. That whole post quoted about is about her identity she constructed, how others view it, and whether to continue with it. There is no power in wanting to destroy yourself.
She is miserable because it isn't working.
If she were happy she would not troll Christian communities online. They would not be on her radar. She knows she is wrong about her life choices and is doubling down out of pride. She wants more and can't be humble enough to admit it, so instead she assumes the role of serpent when other people are tempted by the apple of pride and identity. Because she succumbed. And so she drags other people down.
Maybe she admits to trolling Christians online because her ego is protecting her identity, or maybe because it is a cry for help to go back to her roots. Ok, her parents didn't have a lot of money and she had to work hard in a way that was not glamorous so no one gave her accolades. Working in a shitty job is a part of life for most of us reasonable people, and we fight out of it with hard work and shrewd decisions. Maybe deep down inside she knows that truly accepting Christ which is what her family tried to instill in her is the only way, but she doesn't want the attention withdrawal that will come from letting go her utter bullshit identity cam girl power. And it's hard to admit you have to do better.
Maybe someday someone will reach out to her independently about this positive choice she can make, the way she reaches out to other about becoming as miserable as she is.
Maybe so, but more in an “eliminating personal desires and becoming one with nature” kind of way....If you strip away the flowery language in Buddhism, it really is about destruction of the individual, both of the soul and body.
"Becoming one with nature" is exactly what I'm talking about by flowery language for the destruction of the individual and the soul.Maybe so, but more in an “eliminating personal desires and becoming one with nature” kind of way.
That is not really comparable to what the OnlyFans girl is doing.