It’s been 6 months since I posted on the forum about some personal issues and it was recommended by some wise forum members that I go to church and get closer to God and Jesus.
I have been going to church, praying, educating myself about theology, and talking to my priest often about my faith and my personal situation.
However, I do not feel closer to God. Or if I am closer to God, then He is demanding that I suffer for past sins and is refusing to forgive me.
As far as the situation with my wife that I posted about, there has been some positive interaction (text messages and emails) between me and her, but it’s all a mirage. At this point, she has zero intention of ever seeing me, and when I say anything via text that pisses her off (which I am prone to doing) she flies into a hate-filled rage, cursing at me and throwing in my face everything I did to her in the past (violence, drug addiction, etc.).
Also, I am no closer to moving on and getting over her than I was before.
As for the other aspects of my life, I have not had a job in the 6 months since I first posted here. I’ve been fired from every job (or had to quit) because of a medical condition that causes me to vomit and gag throughout the day.
I am isolated and I don’t really interact with anyone other than my immediate family, and all we do is fight and argue.
I have had several relapses into hard drugs, and I am constantly giving in to lust (porn, masturbation, etc.).
I know that I’m not supposed to be Christian only to receive Earthly benefits, but it also doesn’t make sense that I’d continue to practice Christianity while actively living in mortal sin and falling further and further into isolation and self destruction.
There’s been times in the past where I’ve wanted to end my life. I no longer feel that way and I’d never actually take my own life, but what I’m currently doing is basically achieving the same thing only slower and more gradually.
I’m not looking for sympathy or anything. I know I am probably doing something wrong (i.e. not truly worshipping God properly) and this situation is my fault/my responsibility.
The coughing gagging should be checked out by a doctor. Might be something that can be easily corrected.
As far as the wife, you need to block her and move forward in your life. It is like Kicking a dead horse. You cannot open the next chapter in your life if you are still dragging the past with you.
I would check out the Oil Sands region, move and find a high paying job.