Being married is sapping my desire for life

tremont

Pigeon
Hi everyone,

I am married to a beautiful latina. I've been with her for about 3 years. We've had a lot of ups and downs. The last year was a big crisis in the relationship (I posted a old thread on it) but now we've been working through that and things are getting better. We do not have children yet (probably would in 1 year), though I have from a previous marriage. Physically she is a perfect match for me, and I prefer latinas to other types of women.

Several months ago we had a bad falling out. She left me alone for over a month and I decided to go into "fuck this shit" mode and started cheating. The whole time she was away I did nothing but work and go out and game other women every chance I got. I was angry and frustrated, but I also realize now I needed to do this to recover my masculine energy after a long time in depressed beta mode. She came back eventually, and immediately discovered all the message history on my phone with all these girls. Naturally we had some really rough short term fights but somehow in the end it resulted in her being fully resolved in committing to being with me. She's started loving me again like she did early in the marriage.

The reason for telling the above story is that I now have a very clear and recent memory of both "single life" and "married life".

My core problem is that I don't know how to be happy in a marriage / LTR. Since things have gotten better between us, I'm falling back slowly but surely into the pattern that caused all these problems to begin with.

I'm bored as hell and it's sapping me of all desire to do anything. I get anxiety thinking about upcoming weekends, because it means I have to figure out some activity to do with my wife. I don't like watching movies all the time. I don't enjoy taking her to bars and clubs because I don't see any purpose in going to those places if I'm not trying to game girls. I don't really know what to do with her. She's not at all irritating or bad personality. On the contrast she's very sweet and caring woman. Despite that, many times it feels like work. She always wants me to spend more time with her and I'd almost always rather be doing other things.

I'm losing my excitement for life. When she was gone and I was gaming girls, every morning I was up and motivated for the day. Now I don't want to wake up in the morning. Before I was alert and had more energy, despite staying out late a few nights a week in night life. Now I get 8 hours of sleep a night and most days I feel slow and sleepy. I was going to the gym regularly. Now getting myself motivated to shuffle my other commitments and make time to go to the gym is a constant struggle.

The most striking thing was that when she left and I was going out, I just felt great. Not all the time, I had a lot of pain when I would think about her or dwell on problems and pain of our relationship history. But when I was outside living my life I felt 100% myself and alive. Now I don't feel this anymore. I'm falling back into this pattern of sleep walking through life.

The only time right now when I get taste of the greatness is this dance class I do once a week. I've been adamant that she doesn't go with me for this class. I get to practice dance which I enjoy and flirt a bit. It's the only part of my weekly routine which makes me feel really happy for a few hours. The rest of the week is a dull slog.

Despite her beauty, I almost always think about other women when I fuck her. I'm on the precipice of starting to cheat again because I don't know any other way out of this rut.

I'm hungry for some adventure and passion in life. Just going out doing mundane activities with my wife doesn't cut it. I want to meet new people. I want to become a better man and build real life experiences. I want to have stories to tell when I'm old. While I am very successful at work and enjoy my job, it has never been a real source of fulfillment like it is with many people. I don't know how to do these things dragging a wife along with me.

I don't know if all this is because I haven't met the right woman, or if it's something about me. I'm inclined to think it's the latter. In terms of quality she's pretty high up there and while I can certainly get another one, I have doubts that anyone else would be much better after the novelty fades. I am pretty certain I could marry another woman, and in 2-3 years I'll be back into this behavior pattern again.

A lot of men would dream to have what I have. That's why I feel like something must be wrong with me to be like this. It's as if I need to be chasing and romancing new beautiful women (and getting all the thrills involved) in order to feel alive, and that seems wrong.

The end result of all this is I am just not enjoying my life and I feel really lost. I keep thinking maybe I'm just very immature and I should hold on to build a family. That being said, I'm in my 30's and I don't want to turn 40 and look back and regret that I wasted all my youth by not being afraid to take ownership of my life. I have to do something about this now.

Have any of you guys had a similar experience? I could really use some help.

Thank you
 

thedream

Newbie
Yes, I have had this exact experience in my LTR.

I spoke to a trusted red pilled psychiatrist about it and he described it as a problem called Pygmalion, based on an ancient Greek myth.

I will share with you exactly what he told me because I think it may be helpful to you:

Having choice like we have we can end up looking all the time for genetically good looking women. On the most primitive level that system in your and my brain can always find a new girl who is possibly genetically perfect and this can bring to a problem we might call Pygmalion.

It is the constant search of something more and more perfect. Now that is connected with the fact that your brain on the biological level does exactly that! It searches constantly for something more perfect.. so it is endless because on the Planet there is always someone who is more perfect that another.

Now the falling in love, the biological part is only a part of the brain, the reptile brain. It tends to repeat the search of better again and again and again and this might bring to the Pygmalion problem which is "no woman is ever perfect enough"

Loving instead is a decision, a conscious decision: "I want to love this person" and this includes having a realistic view of the person.

As Indians say then you are in "the cycle of birth and death" I think they mean conscious procreation with one person is connected with having to deal with loss.. now for you the view you have of her face over time is connected with a sense of loss.

To have a long-term relationship, a marriage you must face that sense of loss otherwise the biological instinct will bring you always towards a better and better woman.

Of course this does not mean that you should stop screening. Screening is important for your safety.
The screening should be anyway realistic. I think based on: "This girl is good enough for me" and "I am relatively sure I can be safe with her"
 

Captain Gh

Ostrich
Gold Member
Nothing's free in life! Thinking like this is the Price paid to the Game! No Blaming you... since I'm I the same boat! What to do next... only you can figure it Out!!
 

kel

Pelican
I think every (modern?) man who's been successful with women has this conflict. I've been doing unofficial-MGTOW for years, just having fun, getting single-servings of intimacy a few times a week but generally enjoying life alone. I want more out of life, but it seems so hard to get, so risky, so likely to fail given the modern woman is every more broken than I am, and so often when I've been in a serious relationship, a happy one, I've felt like I'm just kinda waiting for it to end and move on to the next thing, because that's what life has been. Eternal adolescence is a curse, but I'm not sure I have a clear, stable path out.
 

thedream

Newbie
kel said:
I think every (modern?) man who's been successful with women has this conflict. I've been doing unofficial-MGTOW for years, just having fun, getting single-servings of intimacy a few times a week but generally enjoying life alone. I want more out of life, but it seems so hard to get, so risky, so likely to fail given the modern woman is every more broken than I am, and so often when I've been in a serious relationship, a happy one, I've felt like I'm just kinda waiting for it to end and move on to the next thing, because that's what life has been. Eternal adolescence is a curse, but I'm not sure I have a clear, stable path out.
THIS.

I think it's part of the modern struggle.

Have you ever heard of a book/film called The Unbearable Lightness of Being?

It deals with a lot of these issues in an entertaining way. One of my favorites for that reason.
 

Papaya

Crow
Gold Member
Would you expect your car's sound system to go 220 mph around the track? Of course not. Its the engine, drive train, chassis frame etc etc that make up the car. The stereo is just only there to enhance the ride. Doesnt matter how loud you turn it up the car itself wont perform any better.

Your wife is not the engine. Stop looking for your woman to fulfill you.

If youre looking for passion and excitement in your life then take up a new hobby, or a new project.

“You know the Greeks didn’t write obituaries. They only asked one question after a man died: ‘Did he have passion?’”
Learn a new language
Learn a new sport
Build a business
Start a YT channel
Learn a musical instrument
Write a blog
Learn to paint
Take up MMA
Teach a class
Etc
Etc

There are endless way to find new challenges and personal growth to get around the track we call life with more passion.

Sport vagina is just one. But since youre married thats just an unnecessary complication
 

Repo

Hummingbird
What do you do thats exciting with her? Do you take trips, do exciting things like jetski or parasail, go hiking, etc etc?

Something Im starting to learn is it sounds like you are expecting her to just provide happiness and excitement. The truth is one person will never be able to live up to that. You both have to go out of your way to involve each other in fun and exciting things. Do something that gives you both an adrenaline rush. From what youve described it doesnt really sound like your making an effort to keep the romance alive, and obviously the result is you arent happy.

I would have a talk with her, and both commit to trying new and exciting things together to keep the fire alive. And then plan and do it. It sounds like your married to someone who really loves you, so you owe it to both yourself and her to do your best at making it work.
 

king bast

Woodpecker
I am married to a beautiful latina. I've been with her for about 3 years. We've had a lot of ups and downs. The last year was a big crisis in the relationship (I posted a old thread on it) but now we've been working through that and things are getting better. We do not have children yet (probably would in 1 year), though I have from a previous marriage.
Theres your problem. When you were gaming, there was a purpose - a nefarious purpose, but a purpose nonetheless. But back in the childless marriage, what is the purpose? To have new experiences like jetskiing and parasailing? To make her happy? There isnt one, so of course it wont be fulfilling.
 

PixelFree

Kingfisher
tremont said:
My core problem is that I don't know how to be happy in a marriage / LTR. Since things have gotten better between us, I'm falling back slowly but surely into the pattern that caused all these problems to begin with.

I'm bored as hell and it's sapping me of all desire to do anything. I get anxiety thinking about upcoming weekends, because it means I have to figure out some activity to do with my wife. I don't like watching movies all the time. I don't enjoy taking her to bars and clubs because I don't see any purpose in going to those places if I'm not trying to game girls.
Your post really hit home hard. I was in the exact same scenario and broke things off. Regret it now.

This will be the forums new problem over the next few years.

I don't know the answer (and will need to solve this myself), but I believe it's because we made 'gaming chicks' our life purpose, or have just done it so much it's become our default mode of sport, entertainment, validation and fulfillment.

I think the answer will lie in defining a life mission and purpose (something outrageous and massive, that may take even more than your lifetime to achieve, just like men of old), masculine hobbies, strong friendship mates, community groups with other young families you really enjoy going away on holidays with, that type of thing.

Something that drives you, causes you to get out of bed.

Also ask yourself, why do you need this validation from new women so much?

As I said just all theory, and something I (and many here) will have to deal with. Maybe it'll just be a switch that flicks over in your head to 'settle down' mode where you just couldn't be bothered chasing any more?

Maybe have a chat with a close male friend who seems to be doing well here?

Do you feel you have a fulfilling social relationship life?

Looking forward to the brainstrust on this one.
 

thedream

Newbie
OP - you mentioned you have kids already?

Are they a big part of your life?

How has that impacted your 'settle down' mode?

I ask selfishly because I myself have my first child on the way.
 

Leonard D Neubache

Owl
Gold Member
king bast said:
...

Theres your problem. When you were gaming, there was a purpose - a nefarious purpose, but a purpose nonetheless. But back in the childless marriage, what is the purpose? To have new experiences like jetskiing and parasailing? To make her happy? There isnt one, so of course it wont be fulfilling.
This.

Getting married is supposed to lock in your major duties for something in the vicinity of 16 to 20 years (your last child turning 16).

Nature abhors a vacuum of fertility. On some level you are rejecting each other because your union is fruitless.

Are you sterile? Is she?
 

PixelFree

Kingfisher
Yes, people have hit the nail on the head with the childless nature of your relationship.

There is something stopping you - real or imagined - from moving forward with this woman. I know because I've been there.

Another realisation I had is that I needed to be happy/content/excited by myself first (internally generated), rather than seek it through my partner.

On the brightside, I've now turned it into my new screening technique. If I can't see any possibility of kids I end things early. I don't want to waste 2 years in something so-so, but also need to be realistic. Brutal, but hopefully more effective (I only need to find one, very different from a 4-5 never ending rotation).

It's not a reason to have kids, but I suspect once you do have kids you won't be complaining about being bored with nothing exciting to do. That won't happen again until after your last moves out of home. You'll be reading online reviews of the best pram to buy, how to discipline kids and thinking about how to give them their best chance at life.
 
I can relate, and your experience is very normal.

Much like a relationship has a honeymoon period, a single lifestyle has potential to be the same. This is something to consider, as it relates to you.

Is it specifically the option to go get laid that motivates you? Could you find the same positive feelings in a different way? Sex is a obvious motivator for most men, but committed men can wake up excited in pursuit of other goals. Though difficult to discover at the exact moment you prefer, you may find a more rewarding passion than meeting girls. In some ways sex is a though to beat, but it can be unrewarding long term like anything else. So you have to ask:

Were you missing new women, or generally failing to select and pursue goals? Probably a mix of some proportion, but only you can decide how/where to prescribe value.

Your girl might be the wrong woman, and in real time you just don't see why. You could end up finding it was a lack of personal passion, that no wife could fix. If you find your problems within, resolving them may change how you experience her for the better.

Clarity can be obtained through hard work. Some times clarity comes through deep thought and introspection, but normally that just makes it clear that we are avoiding hard work.

Good luck, hope you find peace.
 

paninaro

Kingfisher
Shift your social life to things couples do, and do it with other couples. You need couple friends now.

You should each get your own hobbies, so you have something to do on your own, then also some hobby you enjoy doing together.
 
king bast said:
I am married to a beautiful latina. I've been with her for about 3 years. We've had a lot of ups and downs. The last year was a big crisis in the relationship (I posted a old thread on it) but now we've been working through that and things are getting better. We do not have children yet (probably would in 1 year), though I have from a previous marriage.
Theres your problem. When you were gaming, there was a purpose - a nefarious purpose, but a purpose nonetheless. But back in the childless marriage, what is the purpose? To have new experiences like jetskiing and parasailing? To make her happy? There isnt one, so of course it wont be fulfilling.
I second this. Also, another user pointed out how we will see this more and more in the forum which I also agree with. In a nutshell, secular marriages DO NOT WORK...If you got married without the purpose of fulfilling the Sacrament of Matrimony, it is bound to fail. Marriage is not supposed to be about "how many cool things you can do with your wife" or waiting an indefinite amount of time to have children. It is about fulfilling God's Will. If you have lived a secular life dominated by "Evolution" and "survival of the fittest", you will fall prey to artificially trying to spread your seed to as many women as possible, because hey, "humans werent ment to be monogamous". But the worst part is that the women are sterile and wont be having your kids anyway, so its artifical sterile(homosexual-esque) sex. All of this while doing it behind your Wife's back.

Right now, your marriage sounds like a typical modern LTR. You have to ask yourself why did you get married in the first place? Was it to have a constant stream of guaranteed sex? Was it to have a companion so you wouldn't be bored after the divorce? You dont have kids with your current wife, which is already a telling sign, along with your divorce and kid with that woman.

Obviously you have a problem controlling your concupiscence, which unfortunately I believe every modern man is facing from learning PUA for the past 2 decades. You need to start shifting your whole mindset if you are ever to break from the chains of slavery to your passions. First, take your current, darkened mindset to its logical conclusion; how long until a side piece bears a child? how long until you catch a disease? do you really want to live a life of secrecy and deceit while being married? does your wife deserve a man who cannot tame his passions and puts her health in danger because of you? What will you have to show for after "conquering" dozens of women, a high notch count which only serves as a constant reminder of your degenerate lifestyle? Is this something you want?

Why can you not control your sexual desires? Are you a COOMER(porn user)? Do you masturbate multiple times a day? Ask yourself why you are a slave to this instead of conquering these passions and putting your Intellect and Will above your passions.

Start looking towards God and do some soul searching.
 

questor70

Ostrich
In times of yore married couples were more akin to business partners with the task of building out a family. Guys hung out with guys and women joined the bridge club. And yeah, you can maybe arrange something like that so you don't get stir crazy. But the ideal is to find a woman who actually has depth so that you feel like the longer time you spend with her the more you grow (and vice versa). You don't want it to be nothing but being in bed falling asleep to late night talk shows.

The best way to keep passion brewing is to pace yourself. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That's why dating works, because two independent people who only have enough free time to meet on the weekends are going to be horny as hell by the time they get together. When you have it all on tap 24/7 it's going to lose its mystique. Now you can say in any long marriage the sex goes away on its own, but that's just allowing the passion to fizzle off. I'm talking about keeping the dating vibe going even though you don't have to. You have to create some artificial scarcity and build up tension between conjugal episodes so that it feels like a big deal again to unwrap the package. Don't just let her prance around naked all the time or sleeping together naked. Mentally reset things. Wrap the package back up again. Flirt, tease. Women like the foreplay and men benefit from sort of replaying the hunt. Think of it sort of like intermittent fasting.
 

thedream

Newbie
While I am by NO means an expert in successful relationships, I think Gavin McInnes has a funny take on this...

"Just divorce your wife but only in your mind. So divorce her. But don't actually leave her, only divorce her in your mind. Then re-court her again as if she is a brand new woman."

Gavin is funny and this is obviously part of his comedy but you get the overall concept.
 
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