Being married is sapping my desire for life

PixelFree

Kingfisher
questor70 said:
In times of yore married couples were more akin to business partners with the task of building out a family. Guys hung out with guys and women joined the bridge club. And yeah, you can maybe arrange something like that so you don't get stir crazy. But the ideal is to find a woman who actually has depth so that you feel like the longer time you spend with her the more you grow (and vice versa). You don't want it to be nothing but being in bed falling asleep to late night talk shows.

The best way to keep passion brewing is to pace yourself. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
These were certainly two concepts that helped me.

It wasn't that long ago that Western marriage was more of a (less emotional) business deal, rather than a 'love marriage' - a joining of families wealth and for kids, with parents and equivalent socio-economic status being a part of it.

It still is this way in some parts of the world (e.g. India, with parents browsing online sites with potential wives for their sons - the richer the son, the hotter the wife pretty much).

Obviously you want to have the best relationship you can but if we set our expectations at the 'business deal' low level end of the spectrum then we can shift that focus away from deriving fulfillment from your partner to other things.

All of these expectations around finding someone who is our 'soulmate' who 'completes you' with never ending snappy one-liners like someone from the cast of Friends is Hollywood propaganda that sets us up for relationship failure.

Deliberately creating some space and time out in the relationship is another great call too. Men and women in couples have never spent so much time together in the past, back as hunter gathers right up until the agricultural era with men spending all their daylight hours working out on the farm with his son(s). All that grudge time mindlessly watching Netflix on the couch drains the life out of our relationships. Organise a long weekend away camping with your buddies and see how things are when you come back on Mon/Tues.
 

questor70

Ostrich
You don't want to set such a low bar that you begin to feel your wife is an interchangeable part with nothing about her that makes her compatible or interesting outside of SMV. Women are women but there are still differences. I think time pressure being what it is (even for men) that the tendency is to settle. It's not that I say I believe in a one and only soulmate but I really do think being selective can net you someone who you'll find more engaging and interesting over time rather than just a glorified roommate and f-buddy. Even if you go out with the guys you're gonna spend enough time with your wife that you want there to be something there besides a warm body.
 

Lunostrelki

Woodpecker
@OP:

I often feel challenged and "intruded upon" by my wife of nearly 5 years, and sometimes it really gets on my nerves. But when I reflect on it, I usually can't find anything to fault her on that she doesn't already acknowledge and allows herself to be corrected on. The real reason why I feel irritated by her is because she has very strong logic and when she criticizes me, she's almost always right. I can't remember a single time that she made an actual fuss (beyond tongue-in-cheek nagging) for no good reason. On the contrary, I can think of at least half a dozen good habits or skills that I learned because of her, none of which go against my life philosophy.

If your wife is a good woman and you aren't happy, chances are it's because you have some improvement you need to make. Sometimes that means correcting your most ingrained habits.
 

PixelFree

Kingfisher
questor70 said:
You don't want to set such a low bar that you begin to feel your wife is an interchangeable part with nothing about her that makes her compatible or interesting outside of SMV.
Yes, agreed. But (if you are like me), you'll be with Miss Awesome for 18-24 months, then your eyes will start to wander. You'll want to make sure you have something to fall back on other than lustful looks. Someone who is nice to be with as well.

At this point if you can think most marriage of the past was just basically two strangers, you should think to yourself that you're doing pretty well and be content with your situation.

That's the theory, anyway.
 

griffinmill

Kingfisher
I'm 41 now.

I broke off my only long-term relationship about 5 years ago and don't regret it. I've been single since then playing the field. I'm happy with this because it feels "right" for me. I have never had any kind of urge to have a family. I wish I did though because I realise in the long-term it would be nice to have someone around.

In the short term things are fun. Sure, it can get a little lonely sometimes but I find women incredibly hard work. They like drama, they're inconsistent, they have a tendency to suck the joy right out of you, and they can also be domineering. This domineering nature to women is what frightens me the most. I'm an only child and have a streak of independence. You sound like you have one of those rare breeds; kind and submissive. You should not undervalue that.

What you must realise is that good, solid relationships are in the minority. You could meet the "perfect" girl tomorrow and be very happy. But what if she cheats? Dies of cancer? Decides to divorce you and take half of your stuff? There are "happy endings" only when you choose to stop the story at a certain point.

What you are experiencing is perfectly normal.

I think the only way to combat that total boredom in a relationship is to marry someone who's your best friend. But if you've experienced any kind of sexual variety in your life, you'll not so easily be able to resign yourself to mating in captivity.

There is no right or wrong answer here.

a) Stay with your current partner and be content with total boredom and wish to be with other women. Continue this until you die.
b) Break up with your current partner and be happy as a single guy, with your brain playing tricks on you forever about the "perfect" girl you let go.

It seems to me your current relationship is on shaky ground anyway. Her finding your other women on your phone is a rookie mistake and leads me to believe you wanted to get caught. It doesn't seem a particularly healthy bonding.
 

Lunostrelki

Woodpecker
the-dream said:
Lunostrelki said:
I can think of at least half a dozen good habits or skills that I learned because of her, none of which go against my life philosophy.
What were these?
- driving (I had a license before but never bothered to get good)
- how to assert myself better when dealing with people who are likely to take advantage of me
- basic business sense
- being more concise
- not being as prone to get involved in things that aren't my business
- doing stuff more quickly
- "your ideas are good, but reality is harsh."
 
I would recommend that the two of you visit a professional marriage counselor, with experience in this sort of problem. There are some smart and experienced people on this forum with good advice, but you still need a capable therapist to help you make the right decision, whatever that actually is... You don't want to throw away your marriage, only to later on realize it was the wrong decision, if that indeed is the case.
 

bucky

Pelican
I would never spend any money on a shrink. The level of advice on this forum exceeds that and is free.
Also the Bible and sincere prayer. Vastly better and also free.

I add my voice to the many who've pointed out that the problem in OP's marriage is lack of children. No trouble figuring out things to do when you have a few babies and toddlers running around. Your relationship with your wife also moves to a whole different level when she's the mother of your children. You don't seriously entertain the idea of cheating because all other women are just women and can't replace the mother of your children.

This is, of course, if you are a decent man. If you're a sociopathic thrillseeker at heart who cares more about alcohol, drugs and "notches" then please do your future children, your wife, and society a favor and don't have kids and die alone.
 
Hi everyone,

I am married to a beautiful latina. I've been with her for about 3 years. We've had a lot of ups and downs. The last year was a big crisis in the relationship (I posted a old thread on it) but now we've been working through that and things are getting better. We do not have children yet (probably would in 1 year), though I have from a previous marriage. Physically she is a perfect match for me, and I prefer latinas to other types of women.

Several months ago we had a bad falling out. She left me alone for over a month and I decided to go into "fuck this shit" mode and started cheating. The whole time she was away I did nothing but work and go out and game other women every chance I got. I was angry and frustrated, but I also realize now I needed to do this to recover my masculine energy after a long time in depressed beta mode. She came back eventually, and immediately discovered all the message history on my phone with all these girls. Naturally we had some really rough short term fights but somehow in the end it resulted in her being fully resolved in committing to being with me. She's started loving me again like she did early in the marriage.

The reason for telling the above story is that I now have a very clear and recent memory of both "single life" and "married life".

My core problem is that I don't know how to be happy in a marriage / LTR. Since things have gotten better between us, I'm falling back slowly but surely into the pattern that caused all these problems to begin with.

I'm bored as hell and it's sapping me of all desire to do anything. I get anxiety thinking about upcoming weekends, because it means I have to figure out some activity to do with my wife. I don't like watching movies all the time. I don't enjoy taking her to bars and clubs because I don't see any purpose in going to those places if I'm not trying to game girls. I don't really know what to do with her. She's not at all irritating or bad personality. On the contrast she's very sweet and caring woman. Despite that, many times it feels like work. She always wants me to spend more time with her and I'd almost always rather be doing other things.

I'm losing my excitement for life. When she was gone and I was gaming girls, every morning I was up and motivated for the day. Now I don't want to wake up in the morning. Before I was alert and had more energy, despite staying out late a few nights a week in night life. Now I get 8 hours of sleep a night and most days I feel slow and sleepy. I was going to the gym regularly. Now getting myself motivated to shuffle my other commitments and make time to go to the gym is a constant struggle.

The most striking thing was that when she left and I was going out, I just felt great. Not all the time, I had a lot of pain when I would think about her or dwell on problems and pain of our relationship history. But when I was outside living my life I felt 100% myself and alive. Now I don't feel this anymore. I'm falling back into this pattern of sleep walking through life.

The only time right now when I get taste of the greatness is this dance class I do once a week. I've been adamant that she doesn't go with me for this class. I get to practice dance which I enjoy and flirt a bit. It's the only part of my weekly routine which makes me feel really happy for a few hours. The rest of the week is a dull slog.

Despite her beauty, I almost always think about other women when I fuck her. I'm on the precipice of starting to cheat again because I don't know any other way out of this rut.

I'm hungry for some adventure and passion in life. Just going out doing mundane activities with my wife doesn't cut it. I want to meet new people. I want to become a better man and build real life experiences. I want to have stories to tell when I'm old. While I am very successful at work and enjoy my job, it has never been a real source of fulfillment like it is with many people. I don't know how to do these things dragging a wife along with me.

I don't know if all this is because I haven't met the right woman, or if it's something about me. I'm inclined to think it's the latter. In terms of quality she's pretty high up there and while I can certainly get another one, I have doubts that anyone else would be much better after the novelty fades. I am pretty certain I could marry another woman, and in 2-3 years I'll be back into this behavior pattern again.

A lot of men would dream to have what I have. That's why I feel like something must be wrong with me to be like this. It's as if I need to be chasing and romancing new beautiful women (and getting all the thrills involved) in order to feel alive, and that seems wrong.

The end result of all this is I am just not enjoying my life and I feel really lost. I keep thinking maybe I'm just very immature and I should hold on to build a family. That being said, I'm in my 30's and I don't want to turn 40 and look back and regret that I wasted all my youth by not being afraid to take ownership of my life. I have to do something about this now.

Have any of you guys had a similar experience? I could really use some help.

Thank you
Is the constantly doing things with the wife a universal expectation? I like my alone time, reading, youtube, gaming, exercising, etc.? I also like to keep buddies and girlfriends in sepaarate worlds.
What do wives expect in this matter? I know that women seem to have guy friends these days because women are so boring. Are women unable to keep themselves busy or occupied independently anymore?

Also, I was also thinking about an Iberian-looking Hispanic chick for marriage. I have recently come-off Asian women, exclusively for progeny reasons.
 

Easy_C

Crow
No. My wife doesn't expect someone to be constantly doing things. I go off to play with my people and she likes her time curled up alone reading her mystery novels. Some of that is needed both ways.

I should also pointout that the very best women often are NOT going to give you a crazy dopamine ride the way less stable women will. That's not a fault.
 

BlastbeatCasanova

Kingfisher
No. My wife doesn't expect someone to be constantly doing things. I go off to play with my people and she likes her time curled up alone reading her mystery novels. Some of that is needed both ways.

I should also pointout that the very best women often are NOT going to give you a crazy dopamine ride the way less stable women will. That's not a fault.
Too true in my experience. The nuts that will give you a rollercoaster of highs and lows will wear you out and wear you down.
 

bucky

Pelican
No. My wife doesn't expect someone to be constantly doing things. I go off to play with my people and she likes her time curled up alone reading her mystery novels. Some of that is needed both ways.

I should also pointout that the very best women often are NOT going to give you a crazy dopamine ride the way less stable women will. That's not a fault.
Very well said. Maybe we don't quite get alpha widowed like women do, but there's definitely a thrill to being with a crazy woman that can be addictive, especially if she pushes all your buttons physically. You don't want to marry her though, and God help you if you have kids with her.
 
Yes, I have had this exact experience in my LTR.

I spoke to a trusted red pilled psychiatrist about it and he described it as a problem called Pygmalion, based on an ancient Greek myth.

I will share with you exactly what he told me because I think it may be helpful to you:

Having choice like we have we can end up looking all the time for genetically good looking women. On the most primitive level that system in your and my brain can always find a new girl who is possibly genetically perfect and this can bring to a problem we might call Pygmalion.

It is the constant search of something more and more perfect. Now that is connected with the fact that your brain on the biological level does exactly that! It searches constantly for something more perfect.. so it is endless because on the Planet there is always someone who is more perfect that another.

Now the falling in love, the biological part is only a part of the brain, the reptile brain. It tends to repeat the search of better again and again and again and this might bring to the Pygmalion problem which is "no woman is ever perfect enough"

Loving instead is a decision, a conscious decision: "I want to love this person" and this includes having a realistic view of the person.

As Indians say then you are in "the cycle of birth and death" I think they mean conscious procreation with one person is connected with having to deal with loss.. now for you the view you have of her face over time is connected with a sense of loss.

To have a long-term relationship, a marriage you must face that sense of loss otherwise the biological instinct will bring you always towards a better and better woman.

Of course this does not mean that you should stop screening. Screening is important for your safety.
The screening should be anyway realistic. I think based on: "This girl is good enough for me" and "I am relatively sure I can be safe with her"
I'm married, just turned 40, have two kids and still struggle with the same thoughts you have ever since I learned I'm capable of attracting women. I don't think kids will necessarily make these thoughts go away as some have suggested. I quoted thedream's post because for me this has been the most accurate depiction of my problem. Love is absolutely a choice, it may start with physical attraction but in every single case that initial attraction fades. If you do "choose" to love this person, children will give you a mission and give her life a purpose.

Also, pray, study the bible, join a church and make her do those things with you. Pray for God to direct your desire to your wife, and attempt to disconnect from the constant barrage of sex our modern society forces upon us. Seductive and suggestive imagery is damn near everywhere and makes it very hard to be happy with what you have in terms of a woman.

If you choose not to love this woman and build a life with her, for all that is holy please end things with her for both your sakes and potential future children's sake. Whatever you do, do not have kids with this woman and a few years later decide that wasn't the answer you were searching for after all and then decide to blow up the family to go bang turbo sluts.

I'll pray for you to find what you seek friend.
 
I had same issues as you OP, not married yet but in an LTR. Planning to soon thought.

I think what I miss is the dopamine rush of chasing. Going out with different girls during the week, banging, swiping... It's really all female like attention seeking behaviour. It wasn't getting me closer to my goals or to God. The truth is I felt pride and validation that I could do what other guys couldn't. I felt superior and looked down at the incels and even the married 'dad bod' guys. It's really no different than a drug addict needing his fix.

My advice is to avoid good looking girls. Regardless of how compatible or how nice and submissive she seems to be (as in your case). There are multiple issues that we can put aside assuming she's loyal, has a low notch count and actually 'loves' you. The problem is that even then a hot girl rarely pulls her weight In a relationship. She's been programmed by society to not work as hard and still get what she wants. She will be expecting shared household duties, trips, activities, ect. You will be the one that handles finances and you will be the provider.

Here is the secret: find a girl that meets the usual qualifications but who is actually not that attractive. Maybe plain or even lower face wise. Definetly lower than you looks wise. Of course she still needs to take care of herself physically. I am just talking about universal facial attractiveness. Take the hit there. She will work twice as hard while expecting half as much. She will cook and clean. She will free up more of your time. Use that time for your own development: business, networking and praying. Then get kids.
 

Salinger

Woodpecker
Would you expect your car's sound system to go 220 mph around the track? Of course not. Its the engine, drive train, chassis frame etc etc that make up the car. The stereo is just only there to enhance the ride. Doesnt matter how loud you turn it up the car itself wont perform any better.

Your wife is not the engine. Stop looking for your woman to fulfill you.

If youre looking for passion and excitement in your life then take up a new hobby, or a new project.



Learn a new language
Learn a new sport
Build a business
Start a YT channel
Learn a musical instrument
Write a blog
Learn to paint
Take up MMA
Teach a class
Etc
Etc

There are endless way to find new challenges and personal growth to get around the track we call life with more passion.

Sport vagina is just one. But since youre married thats just an unnecessary complication
This is the answer. You need something to pour your passion into and right now, sport screwing is all you got.

The solution is to find a hobby you love, or better yet, build your own business. If you can do the latter, you will wake up and pour all your energy into how to grow your biz instead of trying to meet new women.
 

infowarrior1

Hummingbird
Find interests and hobbies outside of your wife. Working on projects. Set goals and achieve them. Hang out with your mates.

Find Work that is fulfilling and Congenial if you can. Focus on God and his Kingdom and do work in service to that.

Don't expect a good wife to provide the dopamine hit that you had when courting her. Be content with peace at home.

She is someone you can relax with. Don't expect a rollercoaster from her. That is found outside the relationship.
 
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