Thought I should update this post. It's a cautionary tale. Be careful who you meet from online--even other RVFers.
The kid I was mentoring showed up in Mexico. He mooched off me for several months as an ungrateful and unruly houseguest. Then assaulted, robbed me, and fled in the middle of the night.
Before he arrived, he was calling me everyday to talk. I did my best to be supportive, but from a distance I couldn't really do much for him. Seemed like he had decent parents, so I couldn't figure out what the problem was.
Turns out he was doing drugs and drinking all day long. He also had several mental/emotional issues that were not being treated. Moreover, he had a criminal mindset (I'm allowed to cheat and be lazy, everyone else is to blame, I won't get caught, etc.).
Before he left the USA, he called me crying and desperate that he was suicidal. He'd lost another job and mother finally kicked him out. He'd put his fist through her wall and fled to his dads.
I'd already encouraged him to try to get along with his evangelical father. In exchange for a decent living situation he was being asked to accept Christ as his lord and savior and go to church once a week. Unfortunately, he couldn't stop himself from starting fights there either.
He made the decision to start a new life in Mexico. He asked for my help. I said I'd do everything I could to help him and believe I made good on that promise--and then some.
He arrived in Mexico unprepared and stubborn. I warned him his e-sim wouldn't work (it didn't). Luckily, I sent him screen shots of map routes and text to show to taxi and bus drivers.
After some (at times nasty) back and forth messaging on Wi-Fi, he finally showed up at my place around 3am. He was clean cut and athletic, but dressed rather poorly, with a broken duffel bag, and large open wound (undressed and crusting over) on his fist. He seemed nice and enthusiastic.
First thing I did was take him shopping for new clothes and got him into a good gym routine. I paid for his clothes and shoes but made him pay for his gym membership (which he seemed unhappy about). I introduced him to everyone as my step-brother so he wouldn't get frozen out as a tourist.
He was much younger and bigger than me. Yet we weighed exactly the same. Turns out he did what a lot of younger guys do. Used testosterone and pumped up his arms and chest.
He complained about some side effects like acne and hair loss. I think this was minor. The real problem seemed to be his aggression.
He kept punching the air, gym equipment, me, etc. He'd get super frustrated that I could lift more weight on certain exercises. I told him it took me months to get there and he'd catch up quickly. Besides, it's not a contest.
I really took my time trying to show him proper role-modeling and behavior. But he had such a bad side to his personality and was defensive about it.
He'd play on his phone and skip entire sets during the workout. He refused to wipe down gym equipment or re-rack weights. He'd ignore me when I tried to talk to him, then pester me in the middle of my set. If I didn't stop my set and answer immediately he'd get belligerent.
After a few days, he completely lost his shit. He started a fight in the gym. Then ran home to pack all his shit and left. Except he didn't leave.
He sat at a nearby cafe. Then sent me nasty texts such as "you're crazy! don't try to follow me! I'm going to call the cops!". But mostly he whined and complained he had no money and nowhere to go.
To be honest, I figured he'd act like this. Most young adults do. They can't handle travel, gym routines, being forced to act like an adult, etc.
I was nice about it and patiently replied until he calmed down and came back. He cried and admitted some fault. He got even more upset about not realizing his own bad behavior, "How can I improve myself, if I'm not even aware of what I'm doing."
I think this is a common problem with young people today. They get away with murder. You can't even tell someone their overweight anymore.
My girlfriend started to get weirded out by him always being around. She didn't like his vibe and thought he was a lazy moocher. So did all her friends.
He had a few public temper tantrums. Sad to see an adult do that. But I was always nice about it and tried to help him through.
From day one he had a habit of attacking me personally and being dickish. It was usually over trivial things like my use of an umbrella. But instead of dropping it he'd go on and on.
I would only say something when it was like the 5-10th time he did it. I'd say, "look, this is the tenth time you've said/done this bad thing." I've politely asked you to stop. This had varying degrees of success.
He did get better at cooking and cleaning up after himself. When he arrived he had never in his life washed dishes, swept a floor, or packed a bag of groceries. Pretty pathetic for a 23 year old man, but it is what it is.
Still, until the day he left we had multiple issues over simple shit. He just refused to clean up his own spills or be a considerate guest. I could probably write a book about the shit he did.
I drew the line at him bringing illegal drugs into my house. That didn't stop him from doing them. He'd disappear several times a day and come back smelling of it.
There was also daytime drinking. I'd buy a case of premium beer meant to last a few weeks. It'd be gone in a few days. I had some success with getting him to only split one beer a day with me at dinner.
I tried to get him into wine culture. I figured everyone has a vice. Sharing a bottle of wine with housemates is much better. Especially since he seemed hell bent on going to Asia soon. You definitely don't want to be doing drugs there.
I took him through over a dozen different kinds of reds. Every weekend we'd do a wine tasting paired with several kinds of cheeses and other snacks. My girlfriend would come, though the fat single mom he was dating always flaked.
He admitted to being jealous about that. Again, I tried to be supportive. I told him it takes time to meet someone. Besides, his refusal to learn Spanish wasn't helping.
He really wanted to get certified in teaching English. So we both enrolled in a TEFL course. He seemed to have some trouble focusing and completing assignments. He also preferred to cheat by looking at my test answers. Turns out he had ADD and some other issues.
He actually had more cash in his bank account than me. But was very anxious and super reluctant to spend any money. His pile of savings was mostly from the sale of his car, student loans, and parental support that had been cutoff.
Whenever we did things, he would offer to pay his share, but then refuse when the bill came. This really got to be a problem. He was being ridiculously selfish.
My girlfriend really wanted me to kick him out. By this time I'd invested over $1000 in him. It wasn't the money. I really wanted him to succeed.
He'd initially come as a guest, so I never charged him for rent or food. I figured he'd find a place within a week or two. But even when another apartment opened up in my building he expressed no interest in becoming independent.
I see this problem a lot with young women I date. This just don't want to grow up. Dennis Praeger talks about "the need to be taken care of" being dominant in most people. They want to find a strong man to take care of them and blame all their problems on.
I finished my TEFL. But he dragged his feet. We agreed that when he started working, he'd pay me back. He blamed his slow progress on my having a more responsive instructor, so we switched. Then he just stopped working on it completely.
When he showed up at my door, I still had most of my stuff in cardboard boxes. I''d moved months before. But as a minimalist, I really bothered setting up a proper looking home.
So I went shopping and got a bunch of furniture, fixtures, and did some minor construction work. He was helpful with helping me mark plum lines and hold things while I used power tools. I really fixed up the place nice to give him a proper home.
Overall he was a good friend and I thought he was making progress. I admit was too scared to take him to my golf club. I was afraid he'd have an outburst, hit me with a club, or piss off the other gentleman.
I took him out several times a week for restaurant meals, nightlife, etc. He never paid for himself. Despite me politely asking him not to keep doing it, he had an inconsiderate habit of racking up liquor tabs and forcing me to cover it.
He did the same thing with everything else. I'd end up paying for his laundry bills, taxis, food and electronics shopping, you name it. I guess, he was manipulating me the whole time and I just didn't realize it.
I took him surfing a few times. He enjoyed it but struggled. We were doing a 6 day a week workout routine so I didn't have the energy to play lifeguard.
I basically put my life on hold for 3 months. I did everything I could to help this kid. Probably the worst, was the way he left.
After months, he took off without a word around midnight. I'd left him alone for the first time to cook a pot of rice (which he couldn't do) while I went food shopping. He spent the time talking to his dad which always made him feel bad.
I could tell his vibe was off. I did my best to cheer him up. As usual, he made a mess in the kitchen which I cleaned up 90% of. Though I nicely asked him to please wipe his green smoothie spill.
He had a bad habit of just leaving things like that to attract ants. I think this is what happens to single children whose mothers do everything for them. He did not react well.
While I was finishing the cooking I'd asked him to do. He filled one of my bags with whatever he wanted from my bedroom and living room. He even stole wall chargers and cables?!
What kind of Christian would take off like that and with two sets of house keys? The keys he took have access not just my house, but also my community. Now everyone is urging me to file a police report on him.
One of them also saw him assault me. He randomly walked up behind me and punched me in the back one day.
I was walking with my girlfriend. He said it made him jealous. Uh, so you punch someone in the spine and make them fall down?
I really tried to turn the other cheek. If these things sound petty consider this. I listened to him talk endlessly about 100 major felonies he committed (arson, blackmail, drugs, identity theft, fraud, etc.) and was never charged with. He said he lied in federal court and seemed to have no remorse for his victims.
I sent him a few nice emails trying to be understanding and making sure he was alright. That first night, I was worried he had tried to hurt himself. Several women he talked to in Mexico had told me at various points that he had talked to them about suicide. He also talked endlessly about going on killing rampage.
Turns out he fled the country back to mooch off his evangelical father. He wrote me back only to blast me that my life is pathetic and that he feels sorry for me and blah blah. I said ok that's fine, you're entitled to your opinion of me. Surely if you truly feel sorry for me, you will pay back the money and return the property you stole?
Of course that was the last I heard from him. So now he's not just a criminal in the united states. He's an international criminal.
What a story. I guess this will be in my next book: USA, Fat Baby! I see now why it's better to just to the "positive vibes only" thing. You can still try to help people, but not personally. Too much risk and too little reward.
