Blue Pill Christianity

Grow Bag

Kingfisher
Congratulations for finding a church and spiritual elders you were seeking. I've been in isolation for large parts of the lockdown period, since I live alone and also chose to stop attending my local church, and I can also attest to the increased demonic attacks, as well as the greater awareness of God's presence, though I'm sure not to the extent of someone who is truly alone and away from the world for years.

I'm not sure if this relates to your personal demonic attacks or the OP's, but the worst ones that hit me took the form of doubt in my election. I have read so much in the Bible about how God foreknew and chose some and rejected others based completely on His sovereign will, not any virtue or merit of their own, that I personally can't deny the doctrine. I'm not bringing this up to start a discussion about election, as I'm sure there are threads for that already. This is to describe my own personal struggle with demons. When I first accepted the reality of God the Son and his identity with the Father and the Holy Spirit, I was fully assured of His reality, His presence, of God's protection around me, totally confident in my eternal destiny and my deliverance from the evil that had surrounded my life up to that point due to ignorance and sin. But as the isolation continued, especially when I began a prayer rule instead of relatively aimless Bible reading, and began waking up many hours before sunrise to read the Bible in isolated places outdoors, primarily Psalms and the Gospels, I started to see everything written in Psalms about how wicked evildoers will be destroyed forever by the Lord as pertaining to myself. I was not able to shake the conviction that I am a condemned sinner who loves evil, hates God, and can do nothing about it because I was preordained to that destiny. This in turn breeds hateful thoughts toward God, self-condemnation, and thoughts like "forget it, I may as well give up these beliefs since I'm already damned," even though I felt like Peter must have when he said "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God." I felt crushed by my beliefs, but felt I had nowhere else to go. I was living each day just to get to the end of it, in extreme fear, dread, and psychosomatic pain while forcing myself to continue the prayer rule, early waking, and trying to force myself to perform good deeds such as concentrating properly on the easy work-from-home job I don't deserve, which became nearly impossible.
I strongly relate to doubt about whether I'm in God's plans at all. Right now my prayer routine has pretty much stopped due to the sense that my prayers over the last 4 years have been in vain. I would say the Jesus Prayer regularly for an hour in the morning and evening and have all sorts of physical sensations that gave me hope I was getting somewhere. I know enough that it's not about the sensations, but when that's the only consolation of 3 years of disciplined morning and evening prayers, it's hard to not grasp at anything significant.

On Easter Sunday, an incident happened that led me to believe Jesus had communicated his love for me. I had hope at last that my status was affirmed, that I was on the right track. Then as the days passed and this entity increased it's activity, despite my prayers (or more likely because of them), I found it harder to keep up my practice. When I write about demonic activity, I mean a palpable sense of a supernatural being moving inside and outside of me. I cannot see it, but I have a strong felt sense of it and know where it is and can feel it touching and probing and even have a sense of its shape.

When it manifests I feel goosebumps all over my body and a chill in the air. I could write more about it, but I just want it understood that this is a supernatural entity, not demonic influence of my thoughts (though I do believe influence of my emotions are its domain). I've commanded in Jesus's name, prayed to Archangel Michael and the Saints, listened to recorded deliverance prayers, all to no avail. Whatever it is it clearly believes it has a right to be attached to me and though my prayers agitate it greatly, it is still here and is going nowhere.

After getting little response from the emails I sent out to various clergy, it has become really hard to pray with conviction. I feel very discouraged now. When I kneel to pray it comes to mind that it's all in vain. I was listening recently to Father Piotr Glas talking about the demonic realm, exorcism and how people write to him from parishes far and wide because their priests don't take the demonic seriously. All the Catholic churches local to me require that attendance be registered for track and trace. I'm not going to do that. How can I even talk to a priest about these things if he cannot see the evil being perpetrated all around him.
 
I strongly relate to doubt about whether I'm in God's plans at all. Right now my prayer routine has pretty much stopped due to the sense that my prayers over the last 4 years have been in vain. I would say the Jesus Prayer regularly for an hour in the morning and evening and have all sorts of physical sensations that gave me hope I was getting somewhere. I know enough that it's not about the sensations, but when that's the only consolation of 3 years of disciplined morning and evening prayers, it's hard to not grasp at anything significant.

On Easter Sunday, an incident happened that led me to believe Jesus had communicated his love for me. I had hope at last that my status was affirmed, that I was on the right track. Then as the days passed and this entity increased it's activity, despite my prayers (or more likely because of them), I found it harder to keep up my practice. When I write about demonic activity, I mean a palpable sense of a supernatural being moving inside and outside of me. I cannot see it, but I have a strong felt sense of it and know where it is and can feel it touching and probing and even have a sense of its shape.

When it manifests I feel goosebumps all over my body and a chill in the air. I could write more about it, but I just want it understood that this is a supernatural entity, not demonic influence of my thoughts (though I do believe influence of my emotions are its domain). I've commanded in Jesus's name, prayed to Archangel Michael and the Saints, listened to recorded deliverance prayers, all to no avail. Whatever it is it clearly believes it has a right to be attached to me and though my prayers agitate it greatly, it is still here and is going nowhere.

After getting little response from the emails I sent out to various clergy, it has become really hard to pray with conviction. I feel very discouraged now. When I kneel to pray it comes to mind that it's all in vain. I was listening recently to Father Piotr Glas talking about the demonic realm, exorcism and how people write to him from parishes far and wide because their priests don't take the demonic seriously. All the Catholic churches local to me require that attendance be registered for track and trace. I'm not going to do that. How can I even talk to a priest about these things if he cannot see the evil being perpetrated all around him.

Matthew 13:24-30 [Christ] put another parable before them, saying, “The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a man who sowed good seed in his field, but while his men were sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat and went away. So when the plants came up and bore grain, then the weeds appeared also. And the servants of the master of the house came and said to him, ‘Master, did you not sow good seed in your field? How then does it have weeds?’ He said to them, ‘An enemy has done this.’ So the servants said to him, ‘Then do you want us to go and gather them?’ But he said, ‘No, lest in gathering the weeds you root up the wheat along with them. Let both grow together until the harvest, and at harvest time I will tell the reapers, “Gather the weeds first and bind them in bundles to be burned, but gather the wheat into my barn.”’”

Understood the evil entity you describe is an actual being, not the influence of the devil on your thoughts, your own self-will, or anything abstract like that. It may be God's will for you to live your life on Earth, or a significant part of it, in battle with this particular demon. I believe God both causes and allows evil and suffering to befall His chosen people when necessary for their discipline, spiritual growth, or even to prove to both you and the devil that your love for God is strong enough to withstand a prolonged attack. Maybe you can look at this demon as one of the weeds and yourself as the wheat in the parable above, and pray for strength and guidance to endure until the end. If it seems like too much to bear, think of Christ's command to pick up your cross and follow Him, and meditate on the attack He bore in His own body when He allowed sinners to torture Him to death on the cross out of love for His people, to save us from certain damnation on the day of judgment.

Luke 9:23 And [Christ] said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."
Matthew 10:38 And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.

Also keep in mind that God is in control of everything, and have no doubt that He created this particular demon and is allowing it to torment you for some reason. You may want to pray directly to God for the wisdom to understand His purpose in creating this particular situation, and pray that he lead you out of it when it is His will to do so. This may be God's way of strengthening you to save you from greater evils down the road, afflicting you to allow your will to be more easily molded to what He wants, or an infinity of other possible reasons.

Isaiah 45:5-7
I am the Lord, and there is none else, there is no God beside me. That they may know from the rising of the sun, and from the west, that there is none beside me. I am the Lord, and there is none else. I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things.

Isaiah 54:16
I have created the smith who blows the fire of coals and produces a weapon for its purpose. I have also created the ravager to destroy.

Job 5:18 For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters, but his hands heal.

Hebrews 12:6 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.
 

Aboulia

Woodpecker
Orthodox
Endure, friend. I don't have anything for you, except for an exerpt from St John Chrysostom's letters to Saint Olympia. Hope it helps.

Adversity is indeed terrible and miserable. But look at it again through another comparison, and despise it all the more. For slanders and insults and reproaches and mockeries on the part of enemies, and their evil plots, are compared to a worn-out garment and-moth eaten wool when the Lord says through the same prophet, "Do not fear the reproaches of men, and do not be discomfited by their reviling: for like a garment they will be worn out, and like wool by the moth they will be devoured"

Therefore, do not let yourself be troubled by what's happening. And stop beseeching this or that person for help, and running after shadows--for this is what human assistance amounts to -- and instead, ceaselessly beseech God, whom you serve, simply to give a nod: and in one moment of time everything is brought into proper order. But if, in beseeching him for help, this does not come about quickly, this is often how he works-- not crushing the evils immediately (to return to my previous line of reasoning), but when they come to a head, when they increase, when there remains almost nothing that has not been ravaged by the evils of the enemies, then all at once he changes everything to tranquility, and leads things to an unexpected stability. For he is able to accomplish not only what we expect and hope for, but what is much more, and what is infinitely greater. Therefore Paul says, "to the one who is able to do more than everything, even exceedingly more than we can ask or think".

(My sidenote, this paragraph is referring to the three children in the furnace in the book of Daniel)
Would it have not been possible for him from the beginning to have prevented the three youths from suffering their trial? But he did not wish to do that, so that they could amass great profit. For this reason he allowed them to be turned over into the hands of the barbarians, and the flames of the furnace to shoot up to an immeasurable height, and the wrath of the king to be enkindled more fearsomely than the furnace, and their hands and their feet, to be tied extremely tightly, and they gave themselves to be thrown into the fire. And when all the onlookers gave up hope of their being rescued, then all at once, and beyond all hope, the mighty wonder-working power of God, the master Craftsmen, appeared, shining forth with exceeding brilliance. For the fire became bound, and the bound ones were delivered, and the furnace became a temple of prayer, a fountain of dew more awesome than the courts of kings. And fire, radiantly blazing, more powerful than iron and stone, and holding mastery over every other substance, was conquered by the strands of their hair, and an all-harmonious choir stood on that very spot, as the holy ones summoned all of creation unto the marvelous melody. They sent up hymns of thanksgiving for having being bound and set on fire by their enemies, and having been driven from their homeland, for having been made prisoners, for having been deprived of their freedom, for having been banished and made homeless wanderers, and for having to sojourn in a foreign and barbarous land -- it was fitting for a prudent soul to be thankful for all of this.

For when the malicious schemes of their enemies reached their height (for what more could they do beyond putting the youths to death?), and the labors of the athletes were fulfilled, and their crowns were woven, and their rewards were prepared, and nothing remained to do to give them glory, then the evils were scattered, and the very one who had lit the furnace and had delivered them to such tortuous punishment [i.e. King Nebuchadnezzar] became a wondrous panegyrist of those holy athletes and a herald of the marvelous wonderworking of God. He sent letters over all the earth, filled with praises, recounting what had occured, thus becoming a most faithful herald of the marvelous wonderworking of God. So now the one who had been an enemy and an adversary is writing things, that could not be doubted, even by enemies.

Do you see the ingenious skillfulness of God? Do you see his wisdom? Do you see his paradoxical way of operating? Do you see his love for mankind, and his solicitude? Therefore do not be dismayed, do not be shaken; but instead continually give thanks to him for all things, glorifying him, calling upon him, beseeching him, and pleading with him.
And even if a myriad of tumults , assail you, and conflagrations, and whatever else are laid before you eyes, let none of them trouble you. For the Master is not outmatched by the difficulty of these things, even if everything is brought to the verge of destruction. For he is able to raise up those that have fallen, and to set aright those that have gone astray, and to correct those that have been ensnared, and to set free and make righteous those who have been filled with a multitude of sins, and to give life to those who are dead, and to render more brilliant those things which have been razed to the ground, and to make new those things which have grown old. For if he brings into being those things which had not existed, and if he graces with existence those things which in no way had anywhere appeared before, then much more will he guide aright those things which already exist.
 

CollinG

Chicken
I strongly relate to doubt about whether I'm in God's plans at all. Right now my prayer routine has pretty much stopped due to the sense that my prayers over the last 4 years have been in vain. I would say the Jesus Prayer regularly for an hour in the morning and evening and have all sorts of physical sensations that gave me hope I was getting somewhere. I know enough that it's not about the sensations, but when that's the only consolation of 3 years of disciplined morning and evening prayers, it's hard to not grasp at anything significant.

On Easter Sunday, an incident happened that led me to believe Jesus had communicated his love for me. I had hope at last that my status was affirmed, that I was on the right track. Then as the days passed and this entity increased it's activity, despite my prayers (or more likely because of them), I found it harder to keep up my practice. When I write about demonic activity, I mean a palpable sense of a supernatural being moving inside and outside of me. I cannot see it, but I have a strong felt sense of it and know where it is and can feel it touching and probing and even have a sense of its shape.

When it manifests I feel goosebumps all over my body and a chill in the air. I could write more about it, but I just want it understood that this is a supernatural entity, not demonic influence of my thoughts (though I do believe influence of my emotions are its domain). I've commanded in Jesus's name, prayed to Archangel Michael and the Saints, listened to recorded deliverance prayers, all to no avail. Whatever it is it clearly believes it has a right to be attached to me and though my prayers agitate it greatly, it is still here and is going nowhere.

After getting little response from the emails I sent out to various clergy, it has become really hard to pray with conviction. I feel very discouraged now. When I kneel to pray it comes to mind that it's all in vain. I was listening recently to Father Piotr Glas talking about the demonic realm, exorcism and how people write to him from parishes far and wide because their priests don't take the demonic seriously. All the Catholic churches local to me require that attendance be registered for track and trace. I'm not going to do that. How can I even talk to a priest about these things if he cannot see the evil being perpetrated all around him.
I'd encourage you to consider reaching out to Evangelical Protestant churches as well if their are any near you. They tend to be the only other denomination, along with Orthodox, that wholeheartedly believes demonic attacks to be literal and not just some vague form of spiritual oppression. You may potentially get a response from a pastor or elder at one. Just to clarify, I don't write that to try to draw you away from Orthodoxy or anything like that, but rather to help because we're all brothers in Christ despite slight doctrinal differences.

Psalm 50:15 "Call upon me on the day of trouble; I will deliver you and you shall glorify me." 1 Peter 4:12-13 "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed."

Continue to call upon the Lord. He will deliver you as he has promised you that He will. The devil will come after all who profess to know the Lord. It's not a likelihood so much as a guarantee. As difficult as it may be to see while under demonic attack, the Lord will use your suffering here for His glory if you maintain the faith.
 

Grow Bag

Kingfisher
I'd encourage you to consider reaching out to Evangelical Protestant churches as well if their are any near you. They tend to be the only other denomination, along with Orthodox, that wholeheartedly believes demonic attacks to be literal and not just some vague form of spiritual oppression. You may potentially get a response from a pastor or elder at one. Just to clarify, I don't write that to try to draw you away from Orthodoxy or anything like that, but rather to help because we're all brothers in Christ despite slight doctrinal differences.

Psalm 50:15 "Call upon me on the day of trouble; I will deliver you and you shall glorify me." 1 Peter 4:12-13 "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed."

Continue to call upon the Lord. He will deliver you as he has promised you that He will. The devil will come after all who profess to know the Lord. It's not a likelihood so much as a guarantee. As difficult as it may be to see while under demonic attack, the Lord will use your suffering here for His glory if you maintain the faith.
Yes, I agree with you and I have been doing that. In the beginning, before I was aware it was demonic in origin, I approached a Pentecostal church and received prayers for the associated insomnia. As I wrote elsewhere, that church is now a vaccine centre (hence the Blue Pill Christianity thread title). Another house church I wrote to has become effectively become a virtual church and leaders don't seem to want to recommence IRL services. I have been offered deliverance over Skype, because the guy lives in California, but I don't want that and, anyway, I don't feel comfortable going that route. I need privacy, physical presence and time to talk through my story with someone I get a good sense of authority in Christ from.
 
Yes, I agree with you and I have been doing that. In the beginning, before I was aware it was demonic in origin, I approached a Pentecostal church and received prayers for the associated insomnia. As I wrote elsewhere, that church is now a vaccine centre (hence the Blue Pill Christianity thread title). Another house church I wrote to has become effectively become a virtual church and leaders don't seem to want to recommence IRL services. I have been offered deliverance over Skype, because the guy lives in California, but I don't want that and, anyway, I don't feel comfortable going that route. I need privacy, physical presence and time to talk through my story with someone I get a good sense of authority in Christ from.

Just my opinion but I think you're putting too much faith in what other people can do to help with your problem. It seems you decided the problem cannot be solved without the physical presence and help of another person. I don't believe you're right about that. God is more than capable of delivering you by His power alone.

Im not suggesting to stop looking for a church to help you, but don't pin all your hopes on that.

"Thus says the Lord:
Cursed is the man who trusts in man
and makes flesh his strength,
whose heart turns away from the Lord.
He is like a shrub in the desert,
and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
in an uninhabited salt land.

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose trust is the Lord.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit."

Jeremiah 17:5-8
 

Grow Bag

Kingfisher
After sending off many emails I finally found some Christians who took an interest in my "case". We arranged to speak by phone this afternoon at 14:00 and I was getting somewhat anxious and angry. Angry because the gardeners, who cut the hedges only twice a year, turned up today to cut the hedges. I checked my email just before the call was due to find this person had emailed me to let me know she had had a terrible headache since the morning, so could we arrange another day to speak. Then a little after 2PM my phone rings and the noise outside my window is so loud I thought I was talking to this woman, when in fact it was a man calling on her behalf just in case I hadn't read the email.

Would it be a stretch to say that this is demonic interference, or am I being precious? I don't have such a high opinion of myself that the devil would go to so much trouble. That said, I've read and heard many incidents of all sorts of impediments put in the way of people, who the devil thought were his, coming to Christ.
 

Aboulia

Woodpecker
Orthodox
See what you did there? Hint: you made an ass out of u & me

Assume? If you're so very angry, some physical labour and attention to something other than what you're obsessing over can help clear your mind. You're obviously stressed. If I was wrong to assume your words as you said them, and if you aren't actually angry with the noise the gardener makes, and it's something else, perhaps the first step in the right direction is to express things truthfully.

Demons, if it is demons, only have the power you give them. You're allowing yourself to be a plaything of these thoughts. Pray, even if the demons tell you it's in vain. Fast, as it aids those in the struggle of the flesh against the spirit, and don't ask for a lighter load, ask for the strength to bear it. The one who does not struggle is not rewarded. Perhaps God has granted aid to you for a long time, and now he's withdrawing himself to see how you stand on your own.
 

Grow Bag

Kingfisher
Assume? If you're so very angry, some physical labour and attention to something other than what you're obsessing over can help clear your mind. You're obviously stressed. If I was wrong to assume your words as you said them, and if you aren't actually angry with the noise the gardener makes, and it's something else, perhaps the first step in the right direction is to express things truthfully.

Demons, if it is demons, only have the power you give them. You're allowing yourself to be a plaything of these thoughts. Pray, even if the demons tell you it's in vain. Fast, as it aids those in the struggle of the flesh against the spirit, and don't ask for a lighter load, ask for the strength to bear it. The one who does not struggle is not rewarded. Perhaps God has granted aid to you for a long time, and now he's withdrawing himself to see how you stand on your own.
The hedge is not mine to cut and I'd get into trouble with the housing manager if I so much as tried. The hedge gets cut twice a year and on the day I was to talk with a Christian for the first time about my problem, they came to cut it. My phone did ring at the time the call was scheduled and right then they were cutting just outside my window so that I could barely hear who was calling. I thought it was the woman calling, untill I moved to the hall to hear better and realised it was a man calling on her behalf. The anger was because I was really anxious before the call (which is unlike me) and when I'm anxious about something I have a strong urge get it over with. That was denied me that day, just like sleep has been denied me and my boundaries are denied me by this demonic activity. That is the context.

I started this thread when no help was forthcoming and, as God works through people, I thought I'd cast the net wide and post here. That was a mistake. I believe this goes back a long way, to my childhood, maybe or even before looking at my family history. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that people took the time to respond, but it's way too personal for a forum and too difficult for me convey accurately in writing.
 
The hedge is not mine to cut and I'd get into trouble with the housing manager if I so much as tried. The hedge gets cut twice a year and on the day I was to talk with a Christian for the first time about my problem, they came to cut it. My phone did ring at the time the call was scheduled and right then they were cutting just outside my window so that I could barely hear who was calling. I thought it was the woman calling, untill I moved to the hall to hear better and realised it was a man calling on her behalf. The anger was because I was really anxious before the call (which is unlike me) and when I'm anxious about something I have a strong urge get it over with. That was denied me that day, just like sleep has been denied me and my boundaries are denied me by this demonic activity. That is the context.

I started this thread when no help was forthcoming and, as God works through people, I thought I'd cast the net wide and post here. That was a mistake. I believe this goes back a long way, to my childhood, maybe or even before looking at my family history. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that people took the time to respond, but it's way too personal for a forum and too difficult for me convey accurately in writing.

If its personal do it via Private messaging. I made a private thread if you want to get personal.
 
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