Can Single People Become Mature?

thetruewhitenorth

Sparrow
Orthodox
I was single for a long time, and in a sense still am (my wife and child live about 2000 miles away most of the time). I wouldn't knock the single life, and I'm not talking about "fun" or "modern" in any sense, or even comfortable. The (quasi)-single life I enjoy allows me to afflict myself by very early waking, frequent out-loud Bible reading, and many hours at the gym, which is beneficial for my soul. Also I find I am not able to hear God clearly when my wife is here. When I am alone, it's much easier to pick up on the gentle nudges my conscience gives me. "Let everyone who is godly offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found; surely in the rush of great waters, they shall not reach him."

The passages I quoted above from 1 Cor 7 say it all, when it comes to the benefits of being single while striving toward self-improvement. Without getting too much into my personal situation, I'll say it's a blessing things turned out the way they did for me being alone 95% of the time, and I've been fortunate to mostly be able to "continue in the state in which I was called" as concerning marriage vs. singleness.
Doesnt it affect your bond with your wife and child being so far away from them?

I cant imagine being away from my wife and son for a prolonged period of time.
 
Doesnt it affect your bond with your wife and child being so far away from them?

I cant imagine being away from my wife and son for a prolonged period of time.

It certainly does, but without getting into my personal situation, everyone involved is much better off this way. I regret not having an active role in my daughter's life, and I suppose I regret not having a real marriage. But I am content with what God has decreed. Too many specific things have happened for me to deny God's hand in my situation.
 
I think it is possible for single men to become mature. A single man has lots of "free" time that he can dedicate to the search of God, inner silence, and detachment of worldly things that distance him from God.

But, as a single man, I know that it is very difficult to reach the discipline required to attain such maturity in this state of life and our times. A single man tends to live in comfort, for himself. It's very easy for the single man to become extremely selfish without even noticing it. And I'm not of the "grown-up children" one tends to see that spend their 30s and 40s entertaining themselves as if they were 12.

In my opinion, the single man must do an extra effort to search for God and live in the world without being a part of it, dedicating himself to prayer and to other people. If he does that, he can become spiritually mature, since he has more time to spend in prayer.

But realistically speaking... how many of us have the courage and discipline to do so in our age and our world, after growing up in a bubble of comfort? I don't know if I will ever marry or if God will call me for a different path, but I sadly know that spiritually speaking I will just become mediocre at best... except if some miracle occurs in my heart by the grace of God.
 

wheresilenceismusic

Chicken
Woman
Orthodox
To single men who have no one to care for -- befriend the widows of the church. Befriend the grandmothers whose families live far away. Women need help around the house with things you cannot imagine: mowing the lawn, moving furniture, reaching high places. Older women pose no danger to you and will nourish you with their wisdom (and will be overjoyed to cook for you, etc.). Make them the center of your life. (As a bonus, you will inevitably gain a wonderful reputation among women that will spread far and wide, perhaps drawing a woman your age to you!)

To single women, this has helped me: Stay close to your father and brothers if you can. If they are not Christian, or there is another impediment, seek men in their 70s and older. The guidance and protection of a man is necessary. There is no harm in dressing up nicely and preparing an elaborate meal for a man well advanced in years with no agenda. Gentlemen still exist in the Silent Generation.

We need regular contact with others (e.g., communion with the body of Christ) through the week in order to prevent the pathologies induced by extreme isolation. Men and women do need each other.
 

Roosh

Cardinal
Orthodox
In This Thread:

*Lots of Cope as Single Men Deny the Truth About Themselves.
I've noticed that people's ideologies or worldviews are constructed in a way to not question their current lifestyle. So their lifestyle is being actively lived, and that lifestyle comes from an ideology or set of beliefs, and how could they be wrong about that, or else they wouldn't have chosen that particular lifestyle, so if they encounter an idea that conflicts with their lifestyle, they immediately attack it. On Gab, single people were criticizing this article without even reading it (I could tell by their comments where they asked "How about monks?" which I specifically referenced in the text). I suppose that people live to merely look for validation in the choices they've made, but how deadly is that if your beliefs are wrong! So many people have figured it all out... their secular lifestyle are correct... no changes need to be made!
 
I've noticed that people's ideologies or worldviews are constructed in a way to not question their current lifestyle. So their lifestyle is being actively lived, and that lifestyle comes from an ideology or set of beliefs, and how could they be wrong about that, or else they wouldn't have chosen that particular lifestyle, so if they encounter an idea that conflicts with their lifestyle, they immediately attack it. On Gab, single people were criticizing this article without even reading it (I could tell by their comments where they asked "How about monks?" which I specifically referenced in the text). I suppose that people live to merely look for validation in the choices they've made, but how deadly is that if your beliefs are wrong! So many people have figured it all out... their secular lifestyle are correct... no changes need to be made!

I see the wisdom in what you're saying, Roosh. I too will probably never reach the level of spiritual maturity, at least in the dimension of relating to other people, as a truly married person. I do not consider myself a truly married person because my "wife" and I went our separate ways a long time ago, off and on, but more or less final now. We are not going to reunite unless God makes some very strange event takes place, and forces me back into the pit I had fallen into by my own error, which was the same pit He rescued me from when I first accepted Him. That's why I feel that living as I do, as an effectively single man with no intention to even think of sex again, is the best way to "continue in the condition I was called." I have a blessedly low sex drive after many years of overuse. I have other temptations that are more challenging now than my libido.

I pray the lack of a wife during my life can be turned towards good and to God's work in some way, as St Paul inspiringly described in 1 Cor 7.

As far as our belief systems being unconsciously modified to our own comfort, to allow us to not question our own lifestyle, I agree that is a huge danger and I'm sure I'm guilty of it. I think errors of this kind are unintentional sins, and I pray God shows me these errors and helps me correct them. I've noticed the events in my life that I used to describe as depression, pain, anxiety, etc. as a secular person now always have a spiritual component. When I am in pain now it's my conscience harshly convicting me of sin, or a temporary and partial separation from God due to sin, or something else along those lines. There is no pain in my life that's not somehow related to God and under His control. So I pray He uses that to push me toward change where it's needed.
 
To single men who have no one to care for -- befriend the widows of the church. Befriend the grandmothers whose families live far away. Women need help around the house with things you cannot imagine: mowing the lawn, moving furniture, reaching high places. Older women pose no danger to you and will nourish you with their wisdom (and will be overjoyed to cook for you, etc.). Make them the center of your life. (As a bonus, you will inevitably gain a wonderful reputation among women that will spread far and wide, perhaps drawing a woman your age to you!)

To single women, this has helped me: Stay close to your father and brothers if you can. If they are not Christian, or there is another impediment, seek men in their 70s and older. The guidance and protection of a man is necessary. There is no harm in dressing up nicely and preparing an elaborate meal for a man well advanced in years with no agenda. Gentlemen still exist in the Silent Generation.

We need regular contact with others (e.g., communion with the body of Christ) through the week in order to prevent the pathologies induced by extreme isolation. Men and women do need each other.

I hate to point out there are dangers here for young men. Don't assume just because a woman is over 50 or even 60, and attends church, means she is not actively interested in fornication with young men. She would be likely to disguise this at first, and especially if you are lonely, it could become a major problem.

Edit: of course I'm not saying don't help widows. I'm just saying, go into this with open eyes and be aware of the dangers, especially in our society.
 

wheresilenceismusic

Chicken
Woman
Orthodox
I hate to point out there are dangers here for young men. Don't assume just because a woman is over 50 or even 60, and attends church, means she is not actively interested in fornication with young men. She would be likely to disguise this at first, and especially if you are lonely, it could become a major problem.

Edit: of course I'm not saying don't help widows. I'm just saying, go into this with open eyes and be aware of the dangers, especially in our society.

People of all ages and of both genders may harbor secret immoral fantasies of all types. Only God knows who wants to fornicate with you, who envies you, who condemns you. This cannot be avoided, and it is a dangerous delusion to isolate yourself to avoid others' potential sins.

On Athos, young men with fresh faces whose bodies are just beginning to bear beards are a source of temptation for older men with uncontrollable lust. Should young men not go to Athos? Etc. etc. etc.

A few great things about old women include: they have decades of experience and thus well-developed reputations within the church (e.g., your priest can point you to the pious old women); women generally prefer men their own age; old women are accustomed to dealing with children and grandchildren and I would gamble an old woman will view you as a child of her own. Tell her, "I want to prepare myself for marriage and our priest [my friend, etc.] said that you have good perspective. Can I stop by your house for some tea after church later this month to hear your advice for a young man, and perhaps the names of eligible young women you or your friends might know? I'd love to change your lightbulbs / mow your lawn / etc., while I'm there, as it will help me prepare to be a good husband."

The problem of "old people can still be lustful" poses more of a problem to young, single women who entertain older men. I've dealt with this by approaching my bishop about any potential dinner guests and keeping him thoroughly informed along the way. It's been a blessed practice, for me, and certainly for two old widowers of the parish I attend.
 
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People of all ages and of both genders may harbor secret immoral fantasies of all types. Only God knows who wants to fornicate with you, who envies you, who condemns you. This cannot be avoided, and it is a dangerous delusion to isolate yourself to avoid others' potential sins.

On Athos, young men with fresh faces whose bodies are just beginning to bear beards are a source of temptation for older men with uncontrollable lust. Should young men not go to Athos? Etc. etc. etc.

A few great things about old women include: they have decades of experience and thus well-developed reputations within the church (e.g., your priest can point you to the pious old women); women generally prefer men their own age; old women are accustomed to dealing with children and grandchildren and I would gamble an old woman will view you as a child of her own. Tell her, "I want to prepare myself for marriage and our priest [my friend, etc.] said that you have good perspective. Can I stop by your house for some tea after church later this month to hear your advice for a young man, and perhaps some suggestions for eligible young women? I'd love to change your lightbulbs / mow your lawn / etc., while I'm there, as it will help me prepare to be a good husband."

The problem of "old people can still be lustful" poses more of a problem to young, single women who entertain older men. I've dealt with this by approaching my bishop about any potential dinner guests and keeping him thoroughly informed along the way. It's been a blessed practice, for me, and certainly for the old widowers of the parish I attend.

I am saying, be cautious (like the example you gave) when spending time alone with women, if as a young man you intend not to fornicate. Maybe it's just me, but I don't have any experience being "just friends" with women, and I'm skeptical this is even possible. It probably sounds like I'm blaming the women too much, I'm really not, I have heard the sex drive and ability to climax remains strong even well into the 70s in women and all humans are subject to temptation.

I have no experience with the Orthodox church, my experience is from modern American Protestant churches, and the 50s-60s age bracket women grew up in the hippie generation or the even more degenerate periods following, and have been conditioned their whole lives to have extremely loose morals.

Again, I'm not saying don't help widows, or don't be friendly to old ladies. I am saying there is a danger, and for young men to be aware of it.

I ignored the young female / older man scenario, because this is probably already common sense (MeToo, etc. has hammered this for years)
 

Ah_Tibor

Kingfisher
Woman
Orthodox
I hate to point out there are dangers here for young men. Don't assume just because a woman is over 50 or even 60, and attends church, means she is not actively interested in fornication with young men. She would be likely to disguise this at first, and especially if you are lonely, it could become a major problem.

Most post-menopausal women wouldn't be interested that way.
 
Most post-menopausal women wouldn't be interested that way.

A close friend of mine ended up with serious issues in this department. The women were well past menopause, regular churchgoers, and extremely demanding for extramarital sex.

I'll stop replying now, because this is causing too many issues, but I would hate for a young man to see the suggestion, go out and befriend some friendly looking older women, start going over to their houses alone, then "suddenly" find himself in a compromising position. Or realize he now has an airtight "opportunity".

Why not pair up with another young man, and go visit several shut-ins/widows/etc. in an afternoon? Best to avoid spending alone time with the opposite sex, in my opinion, unless your intentions are toward courtship and marriage.
 

wheresilenceismusic

Chicken
Woman
Orthodox
A close friend of mine ended up with serious issues in this department. The women were well past menopause, regular churchgoers, and extremely demanding for extramarital sex.

I'll stop replying now, because this is causing too many issues, but I would hate for a young man to see the suggestion, go out and befriend some friendly looking older women, start going over to their houses alone, then "suddenly" find himself in a compromising position. Or realize he now has an airtight "opportunity".

Alexander,

No pressure to continue to engage in the conversation. Thank you for the contributions you've made. Your perspective makes sense and is probably good advice in a non-Orthodox context. I'm new here, and sort of naively assumed everyone is Orthodox (because I just returned from Vigil and in my life, everyone is Orthodox. It didn't even occur to me that a single woman -- especially older -- might experience lust). My suggestion works if you bring grace into the equation by first getting a blessing from a spiritual father and keeping him informed along the way.
 
I'm new here, and sort of naively assumed everyone is Orthodox (because I just returned from Vigil and in my life, everyone is Orthodox. It didn't even occur to me that a single woman -- especially older -- might experience lust).

That's encouraging how everyone in your life shares your faith, and this issue didn't even come to your mind. I am really looking forward to my first ROCOR service tomorrow morning. I would love to find a place with live human beings who share my values, or at least most of them. Interacting on the Internet is great, especially with the chaos breaking out in the world right now, but to be a healthy and well-rounded person I need to interact with people I can physically see!

Thank you for your well-meaning advice, it may be a great idea for some, especially going about it openly and with the guidance of elders as you said.
 

Blade Runner

Pelican
Orthodox
Roosh is right about people trying to justify themselves, this is a huge modern issue that has been with us for all of human history, but good criticisms of the article (like that which I posted previously) exist and thus expound on why the ideas weren't all that accurate. The fact that fools, the insecure, or those who don't want to self examine didn't like the idea of the article has little bearing on it being a good reflection of reality, or not.
 

Igor777

Chicken
Roosh, I agree with this article. This is actually one of the strongest arguments against monasticism. If you want to learn how to die to yourself get married. Nothing can bring out all of your sins and flaws faster than being chained to another human being in marriage. If you want to learn to die to yourself, get married.

I get that Jesus said that some people are eunuchs for the Kingdom of God. But that is usually determined by circumstances.
 
Roosh, I agree with this article. This is actually one of the strongest arguments against monasticism. If you want to learn how to die to yourself get married. Nothing can bring out all of your sins and flaws faster than being chained to another human being in marriage.

A similar point is from Socrates who said "Every man should get married. If you get a good wife, you will become happy. If you get a bad wife, you will become a philosopher."

On the other hand, try living alone with the pain of your own solitude, in silence, hard physical labor, deprivation, and prayer, in order to permanently kill your bodily passions and draw near to God. Can you imagine the temptation to degrade mentally and fall into sin, or simply give up? Maintaining a positive, God-centered attitude in such circumstances seems like it can only be compared to marriage in difficulty. Maybe that's why monasticism is called "marriage to God."

Marriage doesn't even really exist anymore, since "the Ultimate Commitment" can now be broken at any time, for no reason, by the lower-earning party in exchange for a large financial payout. This has been covered ad-nauseum elsewhere so I won't belabor it. The only way I can interpret this is it must be one of Satan's many strategies to wear us out in the end times by taking away the good, life-enriching things we used to take for granted, forcing us to either give up, or rely on God only.

A man who fully internalizes the passage below should be immune from thinking anything like marriage or a woman will save him.

1 John 2:15-17 Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.
 
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Cr33pin

Peacock
Gold Member
Married dudes be like:
ar7HrRd.gif
 

Rachel

Chicken
Woman
There are pros and cons to both states. Note that when Paul praises celibacy in 1 Corinthians 7 he does not condemn marriage.
 
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While I agree with this article 100% how is a man supposed to get married if his income is too low to provide for himself let alone a wife and children and he has a disability that limits the types of jobs he can do and frequently faces disability and anti-white male discrimination in the workforce that makes it difficult for him to hold a job through no fault of his own?

I’ve been living paycheck to paycheck ever since the 2008 Recession despite my best efforts to be financially stable. I’ve also been unable to hold a job for more than 6 months due to affirmative action and health problems that were created by medical malpractice yet I’ve still been denied disability benefits 4 times. I have no family as they abandoned me over my disability and left me to die years ago. I’ve been praying every day for years that God will give me financial stability and gainful employment and the ability to hold a job but so far my prayers have been in vain in an hour every man for himself culture I have not been able to receive much support outside of myself please pray for me but I don’t see how I’m supposed to get married and raise a family in my circumstances though I would happily do so if I could afford to take care of myself as well as a wife and children.

And I’m not willing to be monastic. Jesus said the celibate life is only for those who can except it and I would rather never be created or born than live a monastic life is that would destroy my sanity even more than destitution
 
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