Cohabitation before marriage / or not - Pros & cons

Is cohabiting a good idea?


  • Total voters
    87
PainPositive said:
If it were better to cohabitate before marriage the research would support it.

Hmmm... I don't think that's necessarily true. Surely it matters what you and your girl are like, as opposed to what the plebs/unwashed masses/NPCs are like.
 

Eddie Winslow

Kingfisher
Gold Member
quaker13 said:
Why would any man in his right mind want to cut his bachelorhood short to live a woman he's not even married or engaged to? You guys sound insanely codependent. What are you hoping to discover? A meth or coke habit? Slovenly living conditions? Seriously, what are you looking to realize that a man with game and experience couldn't discover in the same time frame by living separately over the course of 2-3 years?

Both parties can easily convey an overly positive image of themselves for a very long time, hide bad habits, etc. if communication is limited to a few hours o face-to-face time per week + sporadic calls and texts. Nearly everyone does it to some degree. It's far more difficult to keep this front up when you live together, even for just a few weeks - I would want to see first hand what the answers to these questions are before I wife someone:

-Does she actually keep her home clean all the time, or does she just hide the dishes and sweep everything under the rug 10 minutes before you come over?

-Does she actually know how to cook, and does she do it regularly? Or does she make one of three recipes she actually knows when you come over for dinner, and order herself Taco Bell via UberEats the rest of time?

-How does she REALLY spend her free time on a casual work/school night, when she isn't having a meetup or date with you? Is she drinking significant amounts of wine EVERY night, or just on dates with you? Is she just a "once-in-a-blue-moon social smoker," or is she smoking throughout the day?

-How does she REALLY treat her pets when you aren't over for a meetup/date?

-How is her ACTUAL relationship with her family and friends?

-Does she ACTUALLY exercise regularly like she says? Or is she mostly relying on decent genetics?

-Is she short on cash this month because of unfortunate-but-very-temporary circumstances, or because she has terrible spending habits and/or maxed out credit cards?

-Does she take big smelly shits with the door open?

When they are motivated, women are absolute professionals at presenting themselves well to the outside world. I think much more so than men.
 

quaker13

Kingfisher
Eddie Winslow said:
quaker13 said:
Why would any man in his right mind want to cut his bachelorhood short to live a woman he's not even married or engaged to? You guys sound insanely codependent. What are you hoping to discover? A meth or coke habit? Slovenly living conditions? Seriously, what are you looking to realize that a man with game and experience couldn't discover in the same time frame by living separately over the course of 2-3 years?

Both parties can easily convey an overly positive image of themselves for a very long time, hide bad habits, etc. if communication is limited to a few hours o face-to-face time per week + sporadic calls and texts. Nearly everyone does it to some degree. It's far more difficult to keep this front up when you live together, even for just a few weeks - I would want to see first hand what the answers to these questions are before I wife someone:

-Does she actually keep her home clean all the time, or does she just hide the dishes and sweep everything under the rug 10 minutes before you come over?

-Does she actually know how to cook, and does she do it regularly? Or does she make one of three recipes she actually knows when you come over for dinner, and order herself Taco Bell via UberEats the rest of time?

-How does she REALLY spend her free time on a casual work/school night, when she isn't having a meetup or date with you? Is she drinking significant amounts of wine EVERY night, or just on dates with you? Is she just a "once-in-a-blue-moon social smoker," or is she smoking throughout the day?

-How does she REALLY treat her pets when you aren't over for a meetup/date?

-How is her ACTUAL relationship with her family and friends?

-Does she ACTUALLY exercise regularly like she says? Or is she mostly relying on decent genetics?

-Is she short on cash this month because of unfortunate-but-very-temporary circumstances, or because she has terrible spending habits and/or maxed out credit cards?

-Does she take big smelly shits with the door open?

When they are motivated, women are absolute professionals at presenting themselves well to the outside world. I think much more so than men.

All of these things in my view are detectable over the course of a normal 2-3 year relationship. Decent human beings are pretty much decent all around, if a man has reservations he would have them under either circumstance.
 

Leonard D Neubache

Owl
Gold Member
There is no such thing as a "normal" 2 year relationship that doesn't involve marriage and a "normal" 3 year relationship that doesn't involve pregnancy.

These are post-modern constructs of delayed adulthood. Any woman who takes D from a man for 3 years without a ring has disqualified herself on that basis alone.
 

MaceTyrell

Pelican
So yeah, in the West if you don’t come from a conservative background then cohabitation is a plus.

I don’t come from a conservative background and see cohabitating with a girl to be a step before determining whether or not I’ll put a ring on it.

God knows this forum has scared me shitless of the idea of marriage anyway.
 
- Silly photos hoots that take hours
- Make-up every time they head outside
- Disinclination to explore ("My feet hurt!")
- Preference for overpriced restaurants/cafés
- Disdain towards upermarkets and budget savers
- Itinerary that revolves around enhancing IG profile
- Random women shit ("I'm hungry!" But we just ate...)

This is basically every weekend with a girlfriend/wife.
 

quaker13

Kingfisher
Vladimir Poontang said:
I'm surprised that people have voted more or less 50/50 on this pretty consistently since the thread started.

I think the pro-cohabbers bros are lying to themselves and are likely not as social as the anti-cohabbers. I'm an anti-cohabber and for the life of me I simply can not fathom what the hell a man is looking for via cohabbing that he couldn't see otherwise.
 

BlastbeatCasanova

Kingfisher
I would never ever do it. Love my LTR but after she has been staying with me for a week I'm ready to give her the boot, I need my space and alone time or I'm apt to insane. I love my solitude but I get that most people, especially women can't handle it. I can't imagine coming home from a long day at work or something and having to put up with another person's endless chatter. No thanks.

I can see why some BP guys would do it, you've got your chick, you're pretty much attaching your cart to this horse for good barring something crazy happening, and it saves money in some cases. But if you really need to "vet" or "get to know a chick":
-stay at her place for a weekend
-go on a week-long trip with her
-date her for a couple of years. No no need to sign a lease with her or anything
 

66Scorpio

Woodpecker
My view is in line with what a number of people have said, some indirectly.

It is some zen, koan, Jedi mind trick stuff to consider but, if you think you should move in together, and she thinks you should move in together then you should move in together, but you are screwed. The very culture and mindset that would lead you to cohabit are the same things that will increase your likelihood of ultimately divorcing. Not testing the waters first when you figure you should will only exacerbate that IMHO. On the flip side, couples that do not cohabit have lower divorce rates because of social, psychological, moral, and religious systems and structures that lead to lower divorce rates anyways. For them to shack up before marriage probably wouldn't increase the chance of divorce but it would present them with a number of problems in dealing with their family and community at the time and perhaps beyond.

It's sort of like the question of sex before marriage. There is a correlation between not doing so and marriage stability, but that is the result of similar factors that lead to that choice. Simply not having sex with someone before you marry them will not reduce the chance of divorce unless you are both on the same wavelength that itself makes divorce less likely and also makes celibacy until marriage a workable option. (I am thinking of that guy from the Bachelorette; that was over before it really began.)

This is correlation without causation due to third, independent causes.

The only way around it is to give your heart, mind and soul an enema to reorient yourself, and then find a woman who you can court - not just "date" but court - without moving in together while deciding whether or not to marry. (No LDRs because that messes things up.) A good indication that you are doing it right is if friends, family, and the social circles (yours and hers) are encouraging you and affirming that you are making the right decision to both a) get married and b) not live together before that.

As with many question, the answer as to whether you should live together before marriage is "it depends".
 

wwtl

Kingfisher
66Scorpio said:
My view is in line with what a number of people have said, some indirectly.

It is some zen, koan, Jedi mind trick stuff to consider but, if you think you should move in together, and she thinks you should move in together then you should move in together, but you are screwed. The very culture and mindset that would lead you to cohabit are the same things that will increase your likelihood of ultimately divorcing. Not testing the waters first when you figure you should will only exacerbate that IMHO. On the flip side, couples that do not cohabit have lower divorce rates because of social, psychological, moral, and religious systems and structures that lead to lower divorce rates anyways. For them to shack up before marriage probably wouldn't increase the chance of divorce but it would present them with a number of problems in dealing with their family and community at the time and perhaps beyond.

It's sort of like the question of sex before marriage. There is a correlation between not doing so and marriage stability, but that is the result of similar factors that lead to that choice. Simply not having sex with someone before you marry them will not reduce the chance of divorce unless you are both on the same wavelength that itself makes divorce less likely and also makes celibacy until marriage a workable option. (I am thinking of that guy from the Bachelorette; that was over before it really began.)

The primary factor is "doing married people stuff" while not married. And there is a term for that:

Instant Gratification or "InstaGra(m)"

You like the girl and find her really hot? Great, now get an insta-marriage and insta-consummate*) it.

You like the guy and want commitment? Great, you stealth-move-in with him for insta-cohabitation.

What do people experience, who don't get all the benefits of marriage without walking down the aisle first and have to wait for it?

Delayed Gratification.

People who practice the latter are more successful with anything in life, including their marriages.

It's a matter of upbringing. And there is nothing better than denying instant gratification to weed out the unfit candidates. You don't have to do an extensive background check.

*) better term than "holding hands".
 
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