Controlling Your Anger

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Players, I need some advice. I've always been one to get pissed easily and it ruins my day when it happens. It's a bad habit and I don't know how to control it.

Here's an example. I was having a great day up until a few hours ago. I noticed someone ran a cart against the side of my car or something like that when I came out of a store. I got real hot and almost hit someone when I peeled out of the parking lot. I went home and checked out the damage again. It's not that bad or even noticeable. I know a good detailer who I've been meaning to use anyways and I'm pretty sure he can get rid of the marks and discolorations. Even knowing that, it fucked up my day. I don't own much and it hurts when something happens to my car.

Is there anything I can do to not let anger control me?? I don't like getting mad so quick over every little thing and having a frown on my face for the rest of the day. I've tried closing my eyes and slowly counting to 10, but I just want to go home and drink when something like this happens.
 

painter

Woodpecker
I'm a hothead too. I remember some dumb chick backed into my new Tahoe and I'm standing there yelling at her like a jackass over minor damage. In the grand scheme of things it's so trivial. I've always aspired to be calm and collected and in control of my emotions but it's hard work, you have to remind yourslf to be cool a lot.

I'm not sure where I read this but it's helped me a ton. In your mind picture your anger (or whatever emotion you need to work on) like the volume level on your stereo from one to ten. When you get really pissed, visualize the level and mentally turn the volume on that emotion down to a "normal" level. It works if you can remember to do it when you're mad.
 

Scott

Woodpecker
What do you do to control your anger? You fucking use it, man. Don't you think Ayn Rand was pissed as Hell when she wrote The Fountainhead? Don't you feel that Malcolm X was one of the angriest people to live in his generation? You let that anger motivate you, not by punching a hole in the wall or through somebody's head, but you have to burn it off by doing productive shit - whether it's 100 press-ups or going out and practising your Game. It seems like a lot of your anger in the example described is borne out of frustration, so you work that frustration out by fulfilling stuff.

Or at least that's how I do it.

The problem is that you might be the type who gets even more angry when they try to do productive stuff with their anger, but it fails. In that case, I strongly recommend you buy a punching bag.

Heh. I think someone on this very forum once posted that to be alpha is to be five seconds away from killing someone. I stand by that - but you need to control that urge into something that enables it to be vented out slowly. That's part of what being a man is about.
 

Duke Castile

Crow
Gold Member
houston said:
Players, I need some advice. I've always been one to get pissed easily and it ruins my day when it happens. It's a bad habit and I don't know how to control it.

Here's an example. I was having a great day up until a few hours ago. I noticed someone ran a cart against the side of my car or something like that when I came out of a store. I got real hot and almost hit someone when I peeled out of the parking lot. I went home and checked out the damage again. It's not that bad or even noticeable. I know a good detailer who I've been meaning to use anyways and I'm pretty sure he can get rid of the marks and discolorations. Even knowing that, it fucked up my day. I don't own much and it hurts when something happens to my car.

Is there anything I can do to not let anger control me?? I don't like getting mad so quick over every little thing and having a frown on my face for the rest of the day. I've tried closing my eyes and slowly counting to 10, but I just want to go home and drink when something like this happens.

I have anger issues but I've gotten much much better. What works for me is the conscious knowledge that those feelings that flood over you and leave you feeling sick to your stomach are NOT good for you. In fact, it's really bad for you. I look at it like eating healthy and taking zinc or working out, I'm going to all this trouble to be looking and feeling good why would I let something that can easily be controlled poison me? Even if you're justifiably angry about something, you have control over your thoughts and actions, and losing that control is actually an act of weakness, which should be another reminder/motivator to not lose your shit.
This is where the saying "Revenge is a dish best served cold" originated. When you can take action when you've detached yourself and aren't being rash. You can still act, but not in a way that is from a loss of control.

Some people think that when they get angry and make a big show of force that it makes them look strong. The fact is, everyone thinks that person is weak they don't want to keep company with them.
 

painter

Woodpecker
Fisto, good advice with the "revenge is a dish best served cold." That's exactly how you gotta be. When somebody wrongs me in a way that I feel deserves revenge my rule is to wait 90 days before doing anything. 90 days pass and I realize it's not worth it. This has saved me from doing something stupid a few times.
 

Duke Castile

Crow
Gold Member
painter said:
Fisto, good advice with the "revenge is a dish best served cold." That's exactly how you gotta be. When somebody wrongs me in a way that I feel deserves revenge my rule is to wait 90 days before doing anything. 90 days pass and I realize it's not worth it. This has saved me from doing something stupid a few times.

That's a good one. I like to think "What would the Counte of Monte Cristo do?"

Then I think "That's too much goddamn trouble" haha
 

Kona

Crow
Gold Member
houston said:
Players, I need some advice. I've always been one to get pissed easily and it ruins my day when it happens. It's a bad habit and I don't know how to control it.

Here's an example. I was having a great day up until a few hours ago. I noticed someone ran a cart against the side of my car or something like that when I came out of a store. I got real hot and almost hit someone when I peeled out of the parking lot. I went home and checked out the damage again. It's not that bad or even noticeable. I know a good detailer who I've been meaning to use anyways and I'm pretty sure he can get rid of the marks and discolorations. Even knowing that, it fucked up my day. I don't own much and it hurts when something happens to my car.

Is there anything I can do to not let anger control me?? I don't like getting mad so quick over every little thing and having a frown on my face for the rest of the day. I've tried closing my eyes and slowly counting to 10, but I just want to go home and drink when something like this happens.

Do you smoke weed?

Please don't go to the doctor and get on Xanax. Just smoke a joint.

Aloha!
 

painter

Woodpecker
Yeah Count of Monte Christo is when you're really, extra serious, haha!

Waiting 90 days also throws suspicion off of you if you do decide to take it further.
 

Moma

Peacock
Gold Member
Houston, I thought you blaze greens? Usually green blazers are cool as dirt. Perhaps you need to take up a sport, boxing or something? It might help you rechannel the anger.
 
Definitely agree with Moma on joining a sport. I train every day and play weekend warrior and it's the best thing for getting angry. What I found is that when you openly express your rage in a team sport on a regular basis you'll get better used to controlling it in daily life. Keeping that shit bottled up is what causes problems.
 
Yes, I've been thinking about joining a boxing gym and releasing it on the bag. Maybe I should get a boxing bag too?

I don't smoke bud as much right now. I've always been like that (stop for a while and start back up). Sometimes I hate being slow and other times I like being in my own zone after a bowl or joint. I don't think I'm any less angry when I'm blowing. I'll get pissed and just kill my high.
 
Theres an interesting documentry that i think the rational male posted. Henry Rollins is in it and its about "the warrior gene". Conclusion was totally useless for the most part.

It was pretty funny how all the mma fighters were wanting to have it and none of them did.

Barely anything pisses me off unless someone is getting physical with me i just couldnt give a fuck. Stop caring.
 

dulst

Woodpecker
The problem with "controlling" anger is that trying to control it makes it harder. This is gonna sound like some hippy bullshit but roll with me:

Most people to some degree or another let their feelings control their lives. Histrionic women and angry men are too archetypes of this. Some people try and surpress their feelings, but this just makes them stronger (the "don't think of a pink elephant" effect). The way to get over this is to realise that you are not your feelings, you merely observe them.

Emotions are formed in our subconscious mind, but we can't control our subconscious mind, we can only control our conscious mind. To that end your subconscious mind is really just another sensory organ, throwing stimulus at your conscious mind in the same way that your eyes, ears, nose, mouth and skin do. The two stimuli it provides are thoughts and feelings.

When you frame it that way, your emotions can no longer control your actions, you can observe and acknowledge your feelings (thereby not suppressing them) but still act in a rational way.

This applies across the board, but is particularly useful when dealing with anger and fear. It's the root of ideas like "feel the fear and do it anyway" and other similar mantras.

When I'm angry I normally just take a mental step back and think "I'm angry because XYZ, but acting on this anger won't help me. There's nothing wrong with the fact that I'm angry, but I'm still going to take the rational action."

Just my tuppence worth.
 

void

Pelican
dulst said:
The problem with "controlling" anger is that trying to control it makes it harder. This is gonna sound like some hippy bullshit but roll with me:

Most people to some degree or another let their feelings control their lives. Histrionic women and angry men are too archetypes of this. Some people try and surpress their feelings, but this just makes them stronger (the "don't think of a pink elephant" effect). The way to get over this is to realise that you are not your feelings, you merely observe them.

Emotions are formed in our subconscious mind, but we can't control our subconscious mind, we can only control our conscious mind. To that end your subconscious mind is really just another sensory organ, throwing stimulus at your conscious mind in the same way that your eyes, ears, nose, mouth and skin do. The two stimuli it provides are thoughts and feelings.

When you frame it that way, your emotions can no longer control your actions, you can observe and acknowledge your feelings (thereby not suppressing them) but still act in a rational way.

This applies across the board, but is particularly useful when dealing with anger and fear. It's the root of ideas like "feel the fear and do it anyway" and other similar mantras.

When I'm angry I normally just take a mental step back and think "I'm angry because XYZ, but acting on this anger won't help me. There's nothing wrong with the fact that I'm angry, but I'm still going to take the rational action."

Just my tuppence worth.
+1

you cant control your feelings, but you can take a distant observer position in your mind (primarily with your rational mind). you are angry, but you can prevent doing stupid things or have a total rage explosion. nevertheless your body will have released some stress hormones and shit, sport is the best way to cope with these and get back in balance. works for most other emotions too.

1. dont make your possesions part of your ego
2. as long as things dont have negative effects on your body, most things are not worth raging about. just some inconveniences one has to put up with, everyone has too.
 
Today, at 7 in the morning while I was slowly moving in traffic, a car cut me off hard and made me slam on my brakes. I honked and he pulled up next to me cussing and telling me to follow him. I looked in his eyes for a few seconds, looked at my pistol on the floor and told myself just to forget about it while I rolled the window up. I forgot about it a few minutes later and didn't think about it all day :)
 

The Fantasist

Pelican
Gold Member
houston said:
Today, at 7 in the morning while I was slowly moving in traffic, a car cut me off hard and made me slam on my brakes. I honked and he pulled up next to me cussing and telling me to follow him. I looked in his eyes for a few seconds, looked at my pistol on the floor and told myself just to forget about it while I rolled the window up. I forgot about it a few minutes later and didn't think about it all day :)

Holy fuck,you guys just drive around with guns?! I knew you could have them at home but didn't know you could walk around with them. Can you go into bars and clubs with them? What would happen if someone attacked you without a gun,can you shoot them? Does having one make you feel invincible?

Break it down guys,having a gun is such an anathema to us Europeans. How many of you guys carry a gun?
 

storm

Pelican
Gold Member
houston said:
Today, at 7 in the morning while I was slowly moving in traffic, a car cut me off hard and made me slam on my brakes. I honked and he pulled up next to me cussing and telling me to follow him. I looked in his eyes for a few seconds, looked at my pistol on the floor and told myself just to forget about it while I rolled the window up. I forgot about it a few minutes later and didn't think about it all day :)

This sounds like that happened to me before. Here are some of my notes from then:

I had a very bad stress episode earlier today. Totally wiped out for five hours or so, almost ten hours later and I am still recovering.

Of course I had been awake for more than thirty hours, drinking lots of coffee, taking medication which turned out to be CNS stimulants

what I did:
- distraction (music,reading)
- RB[rubber band]
- mold breaking

what internet suggests:
- deep breathing: breath in through your nose diaphramically (hold one hand on chest, one on abdomen: when you breat dia. you should not be raising chest much at all).
- breathe in slowly: 8 to 10 seconds, hold breath for 1 or 2, let air out, wait a few moments, repeat. If dizzy slow down.
- muscle relaxation: get a massage? pre-train a routine? not feasible without serious frequency
- "thought stopping": this is not so much distraction as replacement as in that anxiety routine from the "how to deal with failure" part of a joke book:

1. Repeat step 1 to step 8 of the above (editor's note: construct vivid image)
2. Now imagine yourself manually altering the picture with the
immense power of your mind
3. Change the viewing angle of the picture. If you were inside your
body, step out, vice versa.
4. Change the size of the picture. If it was small, blow it up. If it
was too near, push it away until it shrinks to a point.
5. Change the lighting of the picture. If it was dark, fill in light, until
it is dazzling, vice versa.
6. Change your own body. Sit up, breath in confidently, and have a
motivating look on your face.
7. Say to yourself in the picture, 'come on, we can do it!', 'do it
now!', 'it'll be fun!', etc.
8. Open your eyes.

Feeling much better now, right? Continue practicing this. Intensify the
attributes of the picture in the second part, and experience the
increase in your motivation level.

- this seems like mold breaking? If so it has reason to work.
- viewing angle / size / lighting / own body / speech
- similar technique: construct vivid image, change lighting, add clown / everyone has handlebar moustaches
- toe tensing: lie down, pull toes toward face, count to ten, release count to ten, repeat.
- "quiet ears": lie on back, eyes closed, place hands behind head, place thumbs in ears. This makes a high-pitched sound: stay here for 10-15 mins, then go to sleep.

internet suggested prevention:
- avoid caffeine
- get enough sleep
- avoid naps
 
Vorkuta said:
houston said:
Today, at 7 in the morning while I was slowly moving in traffic, a car cut me off hard and made me slam on my brakes. I honked and he pulled up next to me cussing and telling me to follow him. I looked in his eyes for a few seconds, looked at my pistol on the floor and told myself just to forget about it while I rolled the window up. I forgot about it a few minutes later and didn't think about it all day :)

Holy fuck,you guys just drive around with guns?! I knew you could have them at home but didn't know you could walk around with them. Can you go into bars and clubs with them? What would happen if someone attacked you without a gun,can you shoot them? Does having one make you feel invincible?

Break it down guys,having a gun is such an anathema to us Europeans. How many of you guys carry a gun?
You have to get the gun registered under your name and can keep it concealed in your car if you have a clean background (no felonies). You have to get a special license to carry it around on you though. Your life has to be in danger for you to shoot someone and get off the hook. I would feel invincible if I had one in a state with pussy gun laws but it's nothing here.
 
Yeah the Europeans constantly be tripping over how many firearms that I tell them I own. I don't even know why they think guns are a problem. Not a troll.

I did have a thought about controlling anger. I know that when somebody distracts me with noise I tend to get a lot angrier than if they poked me on the shoulder or something. Maybe you've just got some specific anger trigger that you have to isolate and think about.
 
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