divorce: for the record do you ever tell your wife about the other woman

quaker13

Kingfisher
my marriage has been shit for the last 3 of 7 years. my wife who’s in a lucrative and demanding career field has not been very nice to get along with. At the height of her neglect i met a great woman, i want a divorce but do i leave that out or do the honorable thing and tell her about the other woman? Are the legal implications? She makes 500k i make 220k, if that matters.
 

RWIsrael

Woodpecker
my marriage has been shit for the last 3 of 7 years. my wife who’s in a lucrative and demanding career field has not been very nice to get along with. At the height of her neglect i met a great woman, i want a divorce but do i leave that out or do the honorable thing and tell her about the other woman? Are the legal implications? She makes 500k i make 220k, if that matters.
Tough situation mate, sorry to hear that and I hope you can come through.
What I'm going to say may sound preachy, but it's really just questions you should ask yourself before making life altering decisions.

First, what do you consider honorable? Was cheating on your current wife honorable? Why would you act dishonorably by cheating but then pretend to act honorably by confessing to her? Are you just trying to soothe your guilt with self destructive behaviour? Aside from the confession will you change your values and habits? A confession to your wife won't make it easier for either of you or your kids.
If you really feel like you should divorce because you can't make it work, then do it in a rational way and don't make it worse just to soothe your guilty conscience.

Second, is the other woman really that great and worth ending your marriage, or is it just that she was available to you when your wife wasn't? Will you repeat similar patterns with the new woman? As mentioned you may wish to divorce, but that decision should be regardless of the new woman, as you might find a real life with her is different from an affair.

Third, there will always be implications, legal and financial, and not just for you. If you have any kids, think how to protect them as well.

Good luck whatever happens
 

Cr33pin

Peacock
Gold Member
my marriage has been shit for the last 3 of 7 years. my wife who’s in a lucrative and demanding career field has not been very nice to get along with. At the height of her neglect i met a great woman, i want a divorce but do i leave that out or do the honorable thing and tell her about the other woman? Are the legal implications? She makes 500k i make 220k, if that matters.
 

quaker13

Kingfisher
Tough situation mate, sorry to hear that and I hope you can come through.
What I'm going to say may sound preachy, but it's really just questions you should ask yourself before making life altering decisions.

First, what do you consider honorable? Was cheating on your current wife honorable? Why would you act dishonorably by cheating but then pretend to act honorably by confessing to her? Are you just trying to soothe your guilt with self destructive behaviour? Aside from the confession will you change your values and habits? A confession to your wife won't make it easier for either of you or your kids.
If you really feel like you should divorce because you can't make it work, then do it in a rational way and don't make it worse just to soothe your guilty conscience.

Second, is the other woman really that great and worth ending your marriage, or is it just that she was available to you when your wife wasn't? Will you repeat similar patterns with the new woman? As mentioned you may wish to divorce, but that decision should be regardless of the new woman, as you might find a real life with her is different from an affair.

Third, there will always be implications, legal and financial, and not just for you. If you have any kids, think how to protect them as well.

Good luck whatever happens
i’m far from a paragon of virtue. i am not offended by your questions at all. i didn’t think i should reveal my reason for divorce short of reconcilable differences but i wanted to make certain. i’m not in a position to morally hang my hat on my behavior in my marriage i have to hang it on the good deeds and compassion i have for my fellow man.
 

RoadKill503

Sparrow
As a product of affair-induced divorced parents at a young age myself, I strongly urge you to do everything possible to make amends with your wife. Have you tried couples' counciling, ideally through a faith-based institution? Divorce fucks kids up in ways you can not imagine, ways that will not even fully manifest themselves until the kid comes of age. Having my family ripped apart at age 9 (my sister age 6) has done irreparable damage to my mental health and lead to years of poor relationships, self-confidence issues, reduced career prospects, abandonment issues, the list goes on. My sister is even worse off than I am. Coupled with the personal guilt (no matter how many times you tell your kids "it's not your fault," it still nags at their conscience for life) and disdain for your parents, it's a lose-lose. I'm currently older than my parents were when they split, and looking at it from that perspective I've lost a significant amount of respect for them. Our relationship is barely existent, relegated to the obligatory holidays, birthdays, etc. My mother has her "new family" now, the children of which I barely acknowledged and who's names I never can remember. My father is a hermit and I often wonder what will kill him first, the bottle or a self-inflicted gunshot wound. I'll die childless and alone before I risk putting my potential kids through that ordeal.
 

mubs100

Pigeon
Don't mention the affair, sounds like your relationship was screwed way before that and you cant change whats already happened. Mentioning it will not be good.

Your wife seems like someone into Social Status, Wealth, Education and all that stuff. She will know what effect a divorce will have on the child, so you should use that angle to try and save your marriage or atleast have a more amicable divorce.
 

tomtud

Pelican
my marriage has been shit for the last 3 of 7 years. my wife who’s in a lucrative and demanding career field has not been very nice to get along with. At the height of her neglect i met a great woman, i want a divorce but do i leave that out or do the honorable thing and tell her about the other woman? Are the legal implications? She makes 500k i make 220k, if that matters.
Speak to a few lawyers to get differing opinions if that matters at all. A few great recommendations by others aforementioned Above. Do everything legally as possible to prepare yourself for a future split If you feel that way. Speak to others - perhaps in a divorced dads group online. See a few psychiatrists to get differing opinions. Read articles or books on it. Do not tell her about other women or anything negative about you. Are you gambling more and lost money, don’t tell her. Did you get drunk at your (pick a person) house. Again, anything negative she can use to tarnish your image in family court you can make A safe bet That she would. Things will get ruthless.
 

Papaya

Crow
Gold Member
OP

If I remember correctly you have a history of posting about your "marriage". The common theme seems to be how this is all her fault. Even now you justify your infidelity by couching the relationship with the new woman as having developed "at the height of her (your wife's ) neglect"

Obviously there are two sides to every story and we dont know hers but there are fundamental principles in the male / female dynamic that are immutable.

She wasnt "nice" to get along with because she lost respect for you.

She lost attraction to you shortly thereafter.

She lost respect for and attraction to you because among other things she's the primary provider and de facto head of household. You failed to compensate for that natural role reversal by keeping her emotionally / psycho sexually dominated.

I wont belabor the point about not taking responsibility. It wont do any good

I will however point out that the other "great" woman got involved with a married man. That speaks volumes too

I dont know your wife but she is at least the mother of your child so unless you feel she deserves to be humiliated and hurt for petty punitive reasons I would not tell her about the other woman...ever. The fact that you would even consider that the "honorable thing to do" in this equation is ironic to say the least

My intuition is that she and your son deserve better
 

RWIsrael

Woodpecker
If you do proceed with divorce, make sure this thread and your post history here and on other forums can NOT be found by her lawyers. As someone said it can be all out war.
If you feel such a burning need to confess, most here would suggest a priest.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
1 healthy and emotionally stable 5 year old
That will change after the divorce.
This.

@Papaya also makes some good points.

Like @RoadKill503, I am also a child of divorce and I second most of what he says.

Also, the threat of my own possible divorce (for reasons that are my fault) has ruined my life for the foreseeable future. The only silver lining is that all of this led me to recently turn to Jesus and seek help from religious leaders and fellow Christians. If it wasn’t for that, I’d have ended up dead in a gutter somewhere.

OP, you shouldn’t seek divorce. Especially since you have a young child together. If divorce is unavoidable (i.e. your wife files for divorce against your will, throws you out of the house permanently, etc.), then so be it. But from your post it seems like you’re the one seeking the divorce, not her.

We shouldn’t be giving OP advice on how to most effectively proceed with a divorce. It would be like giving him advice on how to cheat on his wife.

I’m glad to see that most of the responses so far are basically saying the same thing as me (divorce is wrong).
 

Max Roscoe

Woodpecker
Assuming this is a serious question, what is your goal in sharing this fact with your wife? Why do you think it is honorable to tell your wife you are leaving her for another woman? If this is your view of what behaving honorably is, you may want to take a cold hard look at your behavior in the marriage and your responsibility for where your relationship is today.

Also if your family is earning over 700k a year, consider if there is a lack of balance between career and family life. A happy marriage is a job in itself, and it requires work, dedication, and commitment.
 
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