divorce: for the record do you ever tell your wife about the other woman

This is a very difficult situation, and I can't tell you what to do, but I implore you to consider what it would take to fix your marriage.

If you are thinking you can separate from your wife and live as if the two of you were never married, think again. Since the two of you have a child together, it is not possible to live without her if you are at all involved in your child's life as you should be. It will also be traumatic for your child. If my parents were to divorce today, even though I no longer live with them or rely on them financially, it would still be traumatic for me. My primary model in my head for how a relationship works would be shattered.
 

mjbravo

Newbie
I would also implore you to end things with the other woman and do everything you can to fix your marriage. I hear you regarding a shit marriage. I got into one where it was a massive struggle from the first moment because I didn't pay attention to the red flags that popped up during the engagement. It was horrible. She had been damaged from her own upbringing in a divorced household, which led to an absentee dad and a co-dependent mother. It does irreparable damage. I had terrible thoughts, but I had two little ones, and not once would I have considered ending things for their sake.

I know it's a sacrifice. Mine didn't work out as she left me. Now I pray I can be the father and God can grant the grace that they won't end up as statistics. Don't voluntary give up 50% of your child's life. They need a dad and mom all the time.....EVEN if it isn't the healthiest relationship. Meg Meeker is a Pediatrician who has some great books and statistics of this myth that it's better for the troubled parents to split for the sake of the kid/s. Bullshit. Even if she isn't nice, sacrifice yourself for the sake of your child. They have a birthright to a full time mom and dad. Then father them to seek out the marriage and type of spouse you wish you had. And in the meantime maybe you and your wife will come together. Even if not it is worth it for your child.
 

Jay

Pigeon
No expert here, just another outsider pitching in.
Quite clear after reading your experiences, that you may have overestimated the standards of the girl you were marrying.
Please do not make the same mistake of underestimating the standards of the single mother you will be divorcing.
She is most likely done with the marriage and is waiting for you to make a move, so that she can take you to the cleaners.
Can't even imagine how I would handle the situation if it were me.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
No expert here, just another outsider pitching in.
Quite clear after reading your experiences, that you may have overestimated the standards of the girl you were marrying.
Please do not make the same mistake of underestimating the standards of the single mother you will be divorcing.
She is most likely done with the marriage and is waiting for you to make a move, so that she can take you to the cleaners.
Can't even imagine how I would handle the situation if it were me.
OP does not say his wife is “done with the marriage.” He says she is cold and distant, but that doesn’t mean she is done with the marriage.

“Done with the marriage” would mean she is filing for divorce (or made it clear she intends to divorce), dates other men, etc. It doesn’t seem that is the case.

I don’t think it’s helpful to advise OP to get a lawyer, fight for his money, etc. Him and his wife have a kid together, for God’s sake.

If OP does what he can to fix the marriage, then it will possibly be fixed and his kid won’t become a victim of divorce. Worst case scenario, if his wife eventually divorces him anyway, then at least the kid will have seen his father behave honorably and will understand that his mother is the one at fault.

“Being taken to the cleaners” (or money in general) should not be the priority here. OP makes 220k a year for Christ’s sake. And his wife makes more than double that!

There are plenty of rich kids who grow up to be promiscuous, use drugs, and even commit suicide. Just look at Hollywood.

But secular marriages are seen as if they are merely business partnerships. No reason to stay if it’s no longer convenient or profitable. “Till death do us part” is just a formality (kind of like when politicians swear to defend the Constitution). Children and their emotional/spiritual development be damned.
 
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Jay

Pigeon
OP does not say his wife is “done with the marriage.” He says she is cold and distant, but that doesn’t mean she is done with the marriage.

“Done with the marriage” would mean she is filing for divorce (or made it clear she intends to divorce), dates other men, etc. It doesn’t seem that is the case.

I don’t think it’s helpful to advise OP to get a lawyer, fight for his money, etc. Him and his wife have a kid together, for God’s sake.

If OP does what he can to fix the marriage, then it will possibly be fixed and his kid won’t become a victim of divorce. Worst case scenario, if his wife eventually divorces him anyway, then at least the kid will have seen his father behave honorably and will understand that his mother is the one at fault.

“Being taken to the cleaners” (or money in general) should not be the priority here. OP makes 220k a year for Christ’s sake. And his wife makes more than double that!

There are plenty of rich kids who grow up to be promiscuous, use drugs, and even commit suicide. Just look at Hollywood.

But secular marriages are seen as if they are merely business partnerships. No reason to stay if it’s no longer convenient or profitable. “Till death do us part” is just a formality (kind of like when politicians swear to defend the Constitution). Children and their emotional/spiritual development be damned.
Well then, hopefully he can follow your way and the family has a chance.
 
Try to salvage it for your kid. Dump the side piece, because if you get caught, you're screwed more ways than one. However, under no circumstances do you reveal the side piece - ever. I've not been there, but have witnessed many a man go through this stuff, many close friends, and it is not pretty. I was a PI for a while and have seen this close up. You haven't seen ruthless until you see a woman go after a man in a divorce, and the state will be on her side. Also, the judge, the guardian ad litem, her lawyer and YOUR lawyer all play golf and hang out together. I know that all sounds hellacious, but that's because it is.

Try to salvage it, at least for the next 15 years or so.
 

mojo

Pigeon
This is so true, but many people are in denial. I think many people, including myself, want it to be effortless.
OP,
if you want to reframe and rebuild your marriage, this community is for you (Married Red Pill).

Here is their top-voted post of all-time:
I almost lost my marriage of 32 years and turned it around in 3 months.

There are 3 books they often recommend:
  • No More Mr. Nice Guy - If you feel a lot of resentment to your wife because she isn't being a good wife, read this book.
  • When I Say No, I Feel Guilty - If you are irritated about what your wife thinks of you and fight constantly about it, read this book.
  • The Book of Pook - If you want to embrace your masculine mojo and understand female psychology. Written in a more exciting way.
***

Another good teacher is called the Blue Pill Professor (a man who rebuilt his marriage).

He has a youtube channel where he lays out each step of fixing the marriage.

You can be the captain of the ship. The marriage is yours to rebuild.
It is possible.
 

AlwaysMe

Sparrow
As a product of affair-induced divorced parents at a young age myself, I strongly urge you to do everything possible to make amends with your wife. Have you tried couples' counciling, ideally through a faith-based institution? Divorce fucks kids up in ways you can not imagine, ways that will not even fully manifest themselves until the kid comes of age. Having my family ripped apart at age 9 (my sister age 6) has done irreparable damage to my mental health and lead to years of poor relationships, self-confidence issues, reduced career prospects, abandonment issues, the list goes on. My sister is even worse off than I am. Coupled with the personal guilt (no matter how many times you tell your kids "it's not your fault," it still nags at their conscience for life) and disdain for your parents, it's a lose-lose. I'm currently older than my parents were when they split, and looking at it from that perspective I've lost a significant amount of respect for them. Our relationship is barely existent, relegated to the obligatory holidays, birthdays, etc. My mother has her "new family" now, the children of which I barely acknowledged and who's names I never can remember. My father is a hermit and I often wonder what will kill him first, the bottle or a self-inflicted gunshot wound. I'll die childless and alone before I risk putting my potential kids through that ordeal.
You sound like you would be a great Dad. Hurry up, find a good woman and build a great family. Godspeed.
 
You sound like you would be a great Dad. Hurry up, find a good woman and build a great family. Godspeed.
Thanks, man. Finding a good woman is a difficult task, especially where I live. The ones who want me, I don't want; and the ones I want, don't want me haha. I was getting heavily involved in the local Diocese sanctioned 20s/30s social scene just before this whole Shanghai shivers thing kicked off, but now that avenue, along with church in general, has been closed off to me by our lovely governor. Perhaps I deserve this penance as reparation for my former lifestyle.
 

Dr. Howard

Peacock
Gold Member
To OP. Time to break out the bible.

No divorce, time to drop your side piece and repent for your own sins. You've got to stick out that marriage until she passes away or she commits adultery. Don't justify your adultery with your unhappiness, uphold your end of the marriage commitment, remember its a covenant with her and with God.

If she makes $550k and you make $220k and you have a young son together I would guess that you currently have that kid in child care while you both go to work.

Cease that right away. $770/year is a lot of money, if you think that your marriage is really going downhill, just quit your job, take the kid out of childcare and stay at home with him to spend as much time with him as possible, this will do the following things:
  1. Build your relationship with the child and put in time that you may never have to get back if you get divorced
  2. Build your relationship with the child into that of the primary parent
  3. Turn you into a 'house husband' who will get alimony and child support from someone making $550k/year if you get divorced. You will be Kevin Federline to Britney Spears.
Your son is 5, he will be damaged by divorce. You'd better take this time to do as much "Dad" stuff with him as you can. Some pathways that will result are:
  1. Your wife will get jealous of your new stay at home Dad role and parenting time, and want to do what you are doing and be a woman
  2. Your wife will flip out that you aren't working, disrespect you and cheat on you, which will grant you the divorce you seek, but also put you in a great position to get paid for it
Either way, you will be investing time with your son, which you will need for either outcome.

Also, either way, such a dramatic move should either bring her to the table for marriage reconciliation, or push her into adultery.

I will also reiterate, stop the cheating, drop the other woman and take the time that you are spending sneaking around with her to pull your kid out of daycare and spend time with him doing Dad stuff. When my son was 5 I would take him to the airport and we would watch planes take off and land, and tour helicopter bases, fire stations, construction sites etc. Essentially "big machines" 24/7.
 

pitbullowner

Pelican
https://www.biblegateway.com/quicksearch/?quicksearch=Divorce&version=NASB

There's the majority of the passages in the bible regarding divorce.

Matt 5:31-Matt 5:33 NASB—“It was said, ‘Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a… https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matt.5.31,Matt.5.32,Matt.5.33&version=NASB

This is the the most sound advice I could find in regards to what Jesus is talkin about.


I hate it that you got invested with a career oriented woman, but that's what you did. Stick it out until you can prove without a shadow of a doubt her unfaithfulness, then kick her to the curb.
 

Dr. Howard

Peacock
Gold Member
I guess OP didn’t like our advice not to get divorced, considering that his last login to the forum was last Sunday just a few hours after starting this thread.
Either that or his wife was tracking his history/computer activity and he's at divorcecon 5 after she found this thread.

Divorce/cheating pro tip - if you, a man, gets a vibe that your relationship is bad, or off, because you aren't happy or you are cheating, your wife/girlfriend/fiancee also has that vibe by about 2-3 times what you do. Women are sensitive to that kind of stuff, much more than men. They are watching you.

Vice versa, if your wife/gf/fiancee is cheating on you, they just tend to get savagely mean/disrespectful with you. Women, are serial in their relationships, they have a spot in their brain for one 'alpha' man at a time. The rest of the single men in their lives are viewed as persona non grata, attention giving orbiters, or betas to be grifted. Once she is sleeping with a new man, he is the 'primary' and all others are secondary.

In a secular person, these instincts are un-checked and run unrestrained.
 
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