Engagement Game

Jaszczurka

Sparrow
I was reading some guys wondering about whether it was worth getting married and thinking perhaps what would be useful for such men, or men in the process of looking to get married, for engagement game.

During the initial pickup process, men select for the various traits that matter to them, and after they get married, well, it's maintenance from there. But what about that wide gap between the initial attraction building process and marriage?

What observations can married men make about what worked, or didn't, for their engagement?
What red flags apply or become apparent during engagement that are less critical during the first dates?
Should men dump a wad of money on an engagement ring?
What "game" works to help best negotiate good marital conditions moving forward?
How long ideally should the engagement process be?
Any experience with pre-marital couples counseling?
 

redbeard

Hummingbird
Moderator
What red flags apply or become apparent during engagement that are less critical during the first dates?
During courtship you mostly learn if your personalities mesh. During engagement you get to see if you can work together as a team. Planning a wedding and doing marriage prep is like a big school project, so you get to see how well she communicates, follows you, and deals with roadblocks.
Should men dump a wad of money on an engagement ring?
Absolutely not, you should ask around your family and see if anyone has an old ring they can give you. It doesn't have to be extravagant, or even sentimental. If she's the right girl, she won't mind. She'll be too ecstatic over the engagement and love that it's a "family heirloom."
What "game" works to help best negotiate good marital conditions moving forward?
She should know your expectations prior to engagement.
How long ideally should the engagement process be?
I'd say 6 months.
Word of advice to all my Catholic bros out there, every diocese has different engagement rubrics. You might have to be engaged for x amount of months, and you might have to go through certain classes to get married. I recommend you find out these requirements ASAP so that you can plan your engagement accordingly.
Any experience with pre-marital couples counseling?
I'm doing some with my priest and it's been very helpful. In this day and age we don't have many examples of healthy marriages, and it's helpful to meet with a priest to learn a thing or two. I've also done FOCCUS which I recommend to everyone here (Catholic and not). It's an easy way to make sure you're on the same page about everything. It forces you to go through topics that you might've otherwise overlooked, and gives you opportunity to identify areas that need improvement.
 
During courtship you mostly learn if your personalities mesh. During engagement you get to see if you can work together as a team. Planning a wedding and doing marriage prep is like a big school project, so you get to see how well she communicates, follows you, and deals with roadblocks.

Absolutely not, you should ask around your family and see if anyone has an old ring they can give you. It doesn't have to be extravagant, or even sentimental. If she's the right girl, she won't mind. She'll be too ecstatic over the engagement and love that it's a "family heirloom."

She should know your expectations prior to engagement.

I'd say 6 months.
Word of advice to all my Catholic bros out there, every diocese has different engagement rubrics. You might have to be engaged for x amount of months, and you might have to go through certain classes to get married. I recommend you find out these requirements ASAP so that you can plan your engagement accordingly.

I'm doing some with my priest and it's been very helpful. In this day and age we don't have many examples of healthy marriages, and it's helpful to meet with a priest to learn a thing or two. I've also done FOCCUS which I recommend to everyone here (Catholic and not). It's an easy way to make sure you're on the same page about everything. It forces you to go through topics that you might've otherwise overlooked, and gives you opportunity to identify areas that need improvement.
"During courtship you mostly learn if your personalities mesh. During engagement you get to see if you can work together as a team. Planning a wedding and doing marriage prep is like a big school project, so you get to see how well she communicates, follows you, and deals with roadblocks."

Dang... I never thought about it that way! And so planning a wedding can actually be a "shit test" for the woman, from the man, and she would have no idea. But it would take a will of iron to break up with the woman, who you would most likely have deep feelings for at such a late stage in things, if she should seriously fail the test.
 

redbeard

Hummingbird
Moderator
"During courtship you mostly learn if your personalities mesh. During engagement you get to see if you can work together as a team. Planning a wedding and doing marriage prep is like a big school project, so you get to see how well she communicates, follows you, and deals with roadblocks."

Dang... I never thought about it that way! And so planning a wedding can actually be a "shit test" for the woman, from the man, and she would have no idea. But it would take a will of iron to break up with the woman, who you would most likely have deep feelings for at such a late stage in things, if she should seriously fail the test.
At this point hopefully things don't get so bad that you have to break up. You should be able to judge her teamwork skills early on in the relationship. For example does she balk when you plan dates, is she on time? Does she follow your lead when you're out and about.

The engagement & wedding planning are just a "bigger stage" for you to really see how well you work together. Then, you can identify problem areas and fine tune how things work.
 
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