Ex girlfriend is getting married

BiggNastee

Woodpecker
Grateful to hear I'm not the only one who has been pining over the good girls I ignored in my previous experiences. It's tough for me. God has given me plenty of opportunities and I assume that's true for most of us but I was too focused on the next one. I believe I'll get another shot though
 

vstk

Chicken
My personal story is similar, and still very fresh. What I find particularly painful and hard to repress is the guilt and shame of not having been the man I should have been. It is one thing to accept and move on after being struck by fate, terrible luck. Much more challenging to deal with the recognition that I was no good.

It takes incredible strength of character to adopt the right attitude after making life changing errors.

For those who are into poetry, here is my personal favourite on how to take it like a man. I'm not quite there yet.
The God Abandons Antony - Cavafy
 
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Thanks everybody for the responses. I don't know why this hit me so hard. I was praying to God saying how he had put a great woman in my hands and i've let her go and at that moment tears just started pouring out of me. I'm 30 I think I've never cried like that, it was torrential downpour accompanied with sobbing. Could be that the reason for it is that only recently I've started praying again and maybe I ve connected with some.feelings deep inside that were burried and untouched for a long time.But I've felt relieved after that.
I also think it is some kind of oneitis. But maybe oneitis is not entirely a bad thing. That means that you are still able to have meaningful attachment to someone. Your basic system of attachment still works. But you have to get over it before having a new meaningful relationship.

I think that the "old" advice to get over it is basically right because you have to get over it. But shaming the feeling and the pain is not right because the pain is necessary to be ready to find a woman who you can marry.

The other part of the "old" advice - to go and get to know new women - is false. You first have to be ready yourself to be ready for a new relationship. Otherwise you will hurt the women you court while not ready. That will cause more pain for the women and for yourself as well.
 

Zagor

Woodpecker
I also think it is some kind of oneitis. But maybe oneitis is not entirely a bad thing. That means that you are still able to have meaningful attachment to someone. Your basic system of attachment still works. But you have to get over it before having a new meaningful relationship.

I think that the "old" advice to get over it is basically right because you have to get over it. But shaming the feeling and the pain is not right because the pain is necessary to be ready to find a woman who you can marry.

The other part of the "old" advice - to go and get to know new women - is false. You first have to be ready yourself to be ready for a new relationship. Otherwise you will hurt the women you court while not ready. That will cause more pain for the women and for yourself as well.
Reflecting what others have said as well, I concur that it might be considered as oneitis, but not oneitis as is generally considered.
The term oneitis is usually used to describe men who are hung up on one girl and don't see other possibilities. Now, I know there are other girls, and possibly more suitable ones. I don't think she's the only girl in the world, I don't suffer from that delusion.
It is a matter of pair bonding. Chance would have it that I pair bonded with this specific girl (and she with me), and no matter how many other great girls there might be, I I've pair bonded with none of them but with this one. Us not ending up together, after we have pair bonded with each other, I feel diminishes both of us. I hope I have no clarified my stance. Pair bonding is important. Casual dating, multiple partners, even serious dating with different partners - as I'm getting older I kind of realize that it is a wrong way. It would be ideal if man and woman would meet young, pair bond and live happily ever after.
 

Papaya

Peacock
Gold Member
It would be ideal if man and woman would meet young, pair bond and live happily ever after.
There is very little that is "ideal" in the imperfect realm that is human existence.

Be grateful for this pain as its minor

Assume every difficulty, challenge, obstacle is an opportunity.

To learn

To grow

To improve

To prepare

In this case to be the kind of man that is capable of recognizing, winning, keeping, and caring for a good woman and a family. Winning in all aspects of life takes strength.

The strong dont whine.

You cant whine and win.

Choose
 

Uponthisrock

Sparrow
We all suffer through our past missteps. Missteps we made because of our warped view of reality.
We are told this or that has value, so we dash off in pursuit of it, ignoring everything else. We never catch it, but Everytime we try to stop and think, the world jumps in telling us we must rush off again.
At some point, some of us stop listening to the world and we can see what we missed as we followed the world, what we disregarded, took for granted.
I think in some way we all experience what you are currently experiencing.
You may learn a lesson and be made better, but scars remain for as long as you live.

Matthew 6:33 "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added into you."

Put your effort into God and through him you will be gifted what you need.
 
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vstk

Chicken
Reflecting what others have said as well, I concur that it might be considered as oneitis, but not oneitis as is generally considered.
The term oneitis is usually used to describe men who are hung up on one girl and don't see other possibilities. Now, I know there are other girls, and possibly more suitable ones. I don't think she's the only girl in the world, I don't suffer from that delusion.
It is a matter of pair bonding. Chance would have it that I pair bonded with this specific girl (and she with me), and no matter how many other great girls there might be, I I've pair bonded with none of them but with this one. Us not ending up together, after we have pair bonded with each other, I feel diminishes both of us. I hope I have no clarified my stance. Pair bonding is important. Casual dating, multiple partners, even serious dating with different partners - as I'm getting older I kind of realize that it is a wrong way. It would be ideal if man and woman would meet young, pair bond and live happily ever after.
I couldn't agree more. In my case, the idea that "there is better out there anyway" is what got me in that situation in the first place. It is not the answer, it is the problem.
It is not a matter of finding the latest and greatest. This mindset can only lead to unhappiness.

The other part of the "old" advice - to go and get to know new women - is false. You first have to be ready yourself to be ready for a new relationship. Otherwise you will hurt the women you court while not ready. That will cause more pain for the women and for yourself as well.
I fully expect to be undatable for another year. If someone had told me this could happen to me a year ago, I would have laughed it off.
 
I was talking to an ex of mine and found out she was getting married. We've been together for 4 years and lately I was thinking how we shoud've got married. She would've been a good wife and I broke up with her because I didn't want to commit to her at the time(while she did). So I was pretty gutted to find out that she is getting married. She's not perfect, I don't suffer from oneitis and I'm not afraid that I won't find another women, but as I'm lately steering more and more towards traditionalism, I realize how big a mistake letting her go was. I also believe that man has a limited binding ability and every broken bond diminishes a man in way, making him less. So yeah feeling the blues at the moment. But also have clarity for the future. Next bond will be for life.
My ex got married back in December. We were together about two and a half years.
she ended up cheating and I think this is the guy she cheated with.

Background: She has two different kids from two different men and new hubby has none. I myself have a child and am divorced.
I wasn’t gutted upon learning the news but it’s natural for it to not come as good news. A natural reaction.

It sounds cliche but it’s true that there really are plenty of fish in the sea.
I don’t know Gods plan but I’d like to think he saved me misery and sadness had I married this woman.
 

Gattes

Chicken
I was talking to an ex of mine and found out she was getting married. We've been together for 4 years and lately I was thinking how we shoud've got married. She would've been a good wife and I broke up with her because I didn't want to commit to her at the time(while she did). So I was pretty gutted to find out that she is getting married. She's not perfect, I don't suffer from oneitis and I'm not afraid that I won't find another women, but as I'm lately steering more and more towards traditionalism, I realize how big a mistake letting her go was. I also believe that man has a limited binding ability and every broken bond diminishes a man in way, making him less. So yeah feeling the blues at the moment. But also have clarity for the future. Next bond will be for life.
I've been there and felt what you are feeling. Don't worry you will move on and find another good woman or better. This is the process a man goes through. I wouldn't have married my current wife (who is great) if I didn't learn from my mistakes so don't despair! Also, keep in mind, we sometimes we tend want what we can't have and that adds to the sting. You will be less stronger and wiser trust me. Being less selfish and putting others before you is an act of love. I got married at 36 and have 3 kids and 15 years later I'm 51 and no regrets. You will be fine.
 
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I’m of the mind that a man isn’t a complete man or at least doesn’t have a complete understanding of women until he has experienced betrayal by one. Some of us go through that rodeo more than once.

Once you see how easily a woman moves on it’ll steel you to start doing the same in your own life.
 

Zagor

Woodpecker
I’m of the mind that a man isn’t a complete man or at least doesn’t have a complete understanding of women until he has experienced betrayal by one. Some of us go through that rodeo more than once.

Once you see how easily a woman moves on it’ll steel you to start doing the same in your own life.
Yeah, 1 year and two months after we broke up she's already engaged. I have no complaints about her, she was a great girlfriend and would've been a great wife, fuck up was completely mine. But 1 year and two months? Come on, how can you move so quickly to a life long commitment? I
 
Yeah, 1 year and two months after we broke up she's already engaged. I have no complaints about her, she was a great girlfriend and would've been a great wife, fuck up was completely mine. But 1 year and two months? Come on, how can you move so quickly to a life long commitment? I
1 year and 2 months may not even be a short time. Imagine her situation: time works against her after she is 15 years old.

In traditional cultures even in case of death of the spouse 1 year is the culturally expected time to mourn after that she is free to find an other pair.

Yes, I know that for men this can last longer but for a woman it is very rational not to "mourn" the relationship but go on as soon as possible. She will not get younger.
 

bk19xsa

Robin
I disagree that it's oneitis. Every love experience is special and unique, unless you're cold blooded bastard who gives nothing of himself.
There will be more women, but my experience with this particular one (and others) cannot be relived, as well as the exuberance and innocence of youthful love as was ours. Man hardens with time and cannot offer the same love he could in his naive youth. It is my opinion, could br that I'm wrong, maybe some older guys can share their experience on the topic.
Man is a being who with hardened time can actually offer more including more love. That comes from wisdom, which comes from experience. Jesus is a great example. He saw and endured so much suffering and chaos, and yet, he stayed true to himself, was even more forgiving and set an example.

You should treat this as an experience. It is alright to know what you lost and realize it's value but at the same time move forward with the hope that now you have this knowledge, you can do better.
 
1 year and 2 months may not even be a short time. Imagine her situation: time works against her after she is 15 years old.

In traditional cultures even in case of death of the spouse 1 year is the culturally expected time to mourn after that she is free to find an other pair.

Yes, I know that for men this can last longer but for a woman it is very rational not to "mourn" the relationship but go on as soon as possible. She will not get younger.
Bingo
 
Yeah, 1 year and two months after we broke up she's already engaged. I have no complaints about her, she was a great girlfriend and would've been a great wife, fuck up was completely mine. But 1 year and two months? Come on, how can you move so quickly to a life long commitment? I
Basically the same happened with my ex. She broke it off and just left me like I never even mattered. Probably didn't looking back. About a year and a half some guy literally saw her outside her office and ran up up her on the street and 2 months later they were engaged. All I know is he's english and has money. Makes me wonder if the really loves him or if hey she's 50 and he's the ticket to the life I surely couldn't give her.
 
I was talking to an ex of mine and found out she was getting married. We've been together for 4 years and lately I was thinking how we shoud've got married. She would've been a good wife and I broke up with her because I didn't want to commit to her at the time(while she did). So I was pretty gutted to find out that she is getting married. She's not perfect, I don't suffer from oneitis and I'm not afraid that I won't find another women, but as I'm lately steering more and more towards traditionalism, I realize how big a mistake letting her go was. I also believe that man has a limited binding ability and every broken bond diminishes a man in way, making him less. So yeah feeling the blues at the moment. But also have clarity for the future. Next bond will be for life.
We all understand how hard is to forget a woamn truly loved and moved, yet...God wants you to move on.
The best advice is:
1. Don't keep in touch with any of your exes.
2. Don't "follow Up" ...whether in social media or not.
"staling" tem on social or through friends/aquittances won't do any good neither for your faith not you general mental health.
3. Pray to God and ask Him to help you find a suitable wife.
4. Take practical steps that will get you closer to find a suitable wife.

I know, it is easier to be said than to be done. But it CAN be done.


Your ex belongs to the PAST. if mistakes were made, learn from them. Move on and find you future wife.
 

GWYW2015

Woodpecker
Once, I was in the same boat.
For my newly found Christianity, suddenly I needed a "traditional" wife.
And I started to think, that my girlfriend (in that time) with whom I was a long time unsatisfied (not her fault, I was an idiot) would be a great wife.
But the permanently poor relationship wouldn't be great just because outside circumstances changed.
There is a reason (mostly internal) why some relationship sucks and that reason remains, even when you become a Christian.
And thank God for divine insight, we never got married.

My ex gf is now happily married to a much more suitable guy for her, and I'm happily married too, with a much more appropriate wife for me.

So, don't be regretful. There is a reason why you are not together.
People don't leave each other because they are in love and happy.

Wish her happiness, and God will bless you at the proper time when you remain faithful to Him.
Love the last part.
 

GWYW2015

Woodpecker
We all understand how hard is to forget a woamn truly loved and moved, yet...God wants you to move on.
The best advice is:
1. Don't keep in touch with any of your exes.
2. Don't "follow Up" ...whether in social media or not.
"staling" tem on social or through friends/aquittances won't do any good neither for your faith not you general mental health.
3. Pray to God and ask Him to help you find a suitable wife.
4. Take practical steps that will get you closer to find a suitable wife.

I know, it is easier to be said than to be done. But it CAN be done.


Your ex belongs to the PAST. if mistakes were made, learn from them. Move on and find you future wife.
Very good advice, like others in this post. I used to do some "follow up", which definitely prevented me from looking hard for someone else.
 
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