Facing own mortality while new to faith

[Rob Banks]

I’m not sure if this is in the right subforum. Mods, please move if necessary.

I am hospitalized for serious medical symptoms. I have had some symptoms since last September but the last few weeks, and especially the last few days, have been very bad. I’m not sure this is the right place to go into specifics about symptoms, but it’s gone from mild to very severe in mere days. My doctors have no idea what’s causing it and I’m worried about my life.

I’ve had pets who have been sick, and when their symptoms get worse like this (i.e. they lose weight, stop eating, can’t keep food down) they are dead within days.

As I have discussed on the forum, I am new to Christianity after having lived a life of drug abuse and other bad things.

I lost my wife (who means everything to me) and I’m fighting to get her back. I just recently started communicating with her again after almost a year of not talking. She still has deep resentment for me and only communicates with me in writing.

My family (aside from my sister) also hates me. My mom and dad resent me deeply, and my extended family has nothing to do with me.

All of this hatred and resentment is deserved. Until recently, although I never intended to hurt anyone, I was a very selfish person who nevertheless hurt those around me.

My family and my wife think I am bullshitting about being sick, because that it is the sort of thing I would have done in the past.

I am new to Christianity and I have not been baptized yet.

Lying in my hospital bed, I started to despair thinking that I might die like this. In a hospital bed, alone, with everyone I care about thinking that I’m bullshitting and looking for attention. Also, I will go to hell because I still struggle with sin and I am not baptized.

I wrote to my wife and told her about my condition, but it came off as very undignified and pathetic. She assumes I’m bullshitting, and even if I’m not, a real man does not complain and seek attention when he’s sick. At the same time, if my life is really in danger, I need to somehow communicate this to her in a dignified way. I’m considering having the doctors reach out to her, but I’m not sure she’d take kindly to that.

I know I should never despair, but it is very hard to be strong in my faith given the situation.

Hopefully, this will be treatable and when I’m better I’ll laugh at the fact that I believed I may be dying.

 

[La Águila Negra]

You'll pull through buddy. Us men (and women) are more resilient than one could ever imagine

It sounds like you are in need of some mental support. Aren't their any priests, pastors or other clergymen working at your hospital?

Times like these will mold you. You will come out stronger, a changed man. He puts us through hardship for a reason, never forget that

 

[RWIsrael]

Be strong man. You will come through this.

 

[Rob Banks]

I’m not afraid of dying if it’s what God wants.

What I am afraid of is dying like this. With my family and my wife hating me (or at least deeply resenting me) and thinking I’m exaggerating my condition in order to seek sympathy and pity.

 

[Errol]

I don't see what is wrong with having the hospital contact your wife.
Pretty sure they do that sort of thing all the time.

Also, they should have a readily accessible list of churches that service the hospital.
Perhaps there is a priest locally who can visit and you can express your desire for baptism to.
I certainly agree that you should do so, no matter what your condition, but especially if you have a real concern it is bad.

I wish you a speedy recovery!

 

[Rob Banks]

I don't see what is wrong with having the hospital contact your wife.
Pretty sure they do that sort of thing all the time.

What is wrong is that, given my history with her, it is likely to come off as just another excuse to get attention from her.

In the past, I have done thinks like stalking her and threatening her with suidice.

When I wrote to her today to tell her I was being hospitalized, she did not respond, and my friends told me that, given my history, I came off as a pathetic attention-seeker.

Also, they should have a readily accessible list of churches that service the hospital.
Perhaps there is a priest locally who can visit and you can express your desire for baptism to.

I have written to my priest. He told me that if my condition is truly life-threatening, then “the church can help.” I’m not sure if that means baptism or just praying at my bedside.

This priest had told me he would only baptize me after Christmas, and only if I studied a bunch of materials he gave me. I don’t know if he’ll expedite the process if it turns out I’m dying.

 

[EndlessGravity]

What are your doctors telling you about your condition?

You cannot fix the past nor compel anyone to accept that you've changed. You have an opportunity to repair these bonds now but only if you take that fact more seriously.

Welcome to the faith, btw. How long ago were you saved? What brought about your conversion?

 

[Leonard D Neubache]

Anonymousbosch reported serious physical symptoms of sickness when he began his path back to God from a place of extreme infernal infection. He couldn't walk without a cane for a period, and doctors were also at a loss to explain any of his symptoms.

If there is no clear diagnosis then consider that you are being afflicted either by demons in their anger at being dispossessed of their prize or by God because you asked to be punished for your sins.

If it is the latter then you need to apologize to God for being a fool by usurping His role as your judge, and ask for His unconditional mercy instead.

If it is the former then there is no way out but through. Keep cleansing yourself of evil.

And stop making it about your wife. I've made this clear privately and I'm going to doubly make it clear publicly. Get baptized. Pray. And stop making it about your wife.

 

[Rob Banks]

What are your doctors telling you about your condition?

You cannot fix the past nor compel anyone to accept that you've changed. You have an opportunity to repair these bonds now but only if you take that fact more seriously.

Welcome to the faith, btw. How long ago were you saved? What brought about your conversion?

My doctors have no idea what is causing it.

They say it’s a GI (stomach) issue, but I’m convinced that the GI symptoms are being caused by something bigger that will eventually affect my whole body. The doctors can’t find the cause because they are looking in the wrong place.

I could be wrong, though. I’m obviously not a doctor.

I have discussed at length on the forum about my personal issues and (ongoing) conversion to Christ. I won’t go into detail here so as to avoid being repetitive.

 

[Errol]

If we are talking catholic priest, I'm pretty sure they should be willing to baptize you in the hospital.
Perhaps previously he had considered imitating you into all the sacraments at once, so now it would be worth it to stress you situation is potentially life threatening.
I'm reluctant to tell you to shop around for priests, but if this priest doesn't baptize you at that point, I think it is worth asking for a different priest's opinion.
Perhaps they are also dealing with extra restrictions due to the covid nonsense.
I know where I'm at they are basically prohibited from entering the hospital to attend on spiritual needs.

 

[Errol]

Also, go keto/carnivore for the GI issues!
Also recommend drops of pure gum spirits of turpentine on two sugar cubes.

 

[Rob Banks]

Anonymousbosch reported serious physical symptoms of sickness when he began his path back to God from a place of extreme infernal infection. He couldn't walk without a cane for a period, and doctors were also at a loss to explain any of his symptoms.
...

I originally started having symptoms months prior to learning about Christ, for whatever that’s worth.

 

[Elipe]

I originally started having symptoms months prior to learning about Christ, for whatever that’s worth.

Before you learned about Christ, were you beginning to feel an openness toward the idea that there is a God, especially one with whom a personal relationship was possible?

 

[bucky]

I’m not sure if this is in the right subforum. Mods, please move if necessary.

I am hospitalized for serious medical symptoms. I have had some symptoms since last September but the last few weeks, and especially the last few days, have been very bad. I’m not sure this is the right place to go into specifics about symptoms, but it’s gone from mild to very severe in mere days. My doctors have no idea what’s causing it and I’m worried about my life.

I’ve had pets who have been sick, and when their symptoms get worse like this (i.e. they lose weight, stop eating, can’t keep food down) they are dead within days.

As I have discussed on the forum, I am new to Christianity after having lived a life of drug abuse and other bad things.

I lost my wife (who means everything to me) and I’m fighting to get her back. I just recently started communicating with her again after almost a year of not talking. She still has deep resentment for me and only communicates with me in writing.

My family (aside from my sister) also hates me. My mom and dad resent me deeply, and my extended family has nothing to do with me.

All of this hatred and resentment is deserved. Until recently, although I never intended to hurt anyone, I was a very selfish person who nevertheless hurt those around me.

My family and my wife think I am bullshitting about being sick, because that it is the sort of thing I would have done in the past.

I am new to Christianity and I have not been baptized yet.

Lying in my hospital bed, I started to despair thinking that I might die like this. In a hospital bed, alone, with everyone I care about thinking that I’m bullshitting and looking for attention. Also, I will go to hell because I still struggle with sin and I am not baptized.

I wrote to my wife and told her about my condition, but it came off as very undignified and pathetic. She assumes I’m bullshitting, and even if I’m not, a real man does not complain and seek attention when he’s sick. At the same time, if my life is really in danger, I need to somehow communicate this to her in a dignified way. I’m considering having the doctors reach out to her, but I’m not sure she’d take kindly to that.

I know I should never despair, but it is very hard to be strong in my faith given the situation.

Hopefully, this will be treatable and when I’m better I’ll laugh at the fact that I believed I may be dying.

Good luck, man. I had a situation like that a few years ago. It turned out to be nothing, but I remember how it felt. I don't really have any advice, I just hope you'll be fine.

 

[MRAll134]

I am praying that God gives you enough time to resolve things with your family and to get baptized this December.

 

[Rob Banks]

I spoke to my uncle who is a doctor. He said he does not believe I am dying, but that my symptoms are worrying and I need to get tests done urgently.

I’ve been feeling a little better the last few days, eating a little bit more.

I may have overreacted, but I really did think my life was in danger. At one point, I was having shortness of breath (like in the movies when sick people are about to die) and I could not walk without getting dizzy and feeling like I’d pass out.

I’m not particularly afraid to die, but that night I went into a panic thinking how horrible it would be to die alone in that hospital room, surrounded by strange nurses and doctors, with all these personal issues and relationships unresolved, and that I would probably be going to hell.

I guess the fact that I would panic like that is a sign that my faith is not very strong yet. A man with strong faith would accept God’s plan and be confident that he’s not going to hell.

 

[Errol]

Glad to hear you are feeling better!
Spiritual growth is a process that I believe can really last a lifetime, so I do hope you further pursue your faith with a good spiritual director.

 

[ArizonaGuy]

I’m not particularly afraid to die, but that night I went into a panic thinking how horrible it would be to die alone in that hospital room, surrounded by strange nurses and doctors, with all these personal issues and relationships unresolved, and that I would probably be going to hell.

I guess the fact that I would panic like that is a sign that my faith is not very strong yet. A man with strong faith would accept God’s plan and be confident that he’s not going to hell.

Well first, I admire that you wish to become baptized. It is an outward symbol of an inward change and it typically involves witnesses. Second, any Christian can do this for you - not just a priest, pastor, etc. I am not ordained but have baptized many people.

Regarding your other comments:
1. It is your belief in Christ's resurrection and acceptance that he alone offers salvation that keeps you out of hell. As one of my friends said 30 years ago, if Judgement Day really is the display of your life of shortcomings, the answer is always pointing at Jesus and stating "I'm with Him!"
2. I have heard the hospitals are terrible right now. Very emotionally sterile. I am sorry this has happened to you at this time however the timing may be Divine for your own benefit. Nobody enjoys correction as it is being administered but that appears to be the only thing us humans take note of.
3. Many men plan our whole lives to nobly die, without regrets, ready to enter God's bosom. It rarely goes that way. Last year, my own father - who raised me in the Protestant faith for 50 years - was sent home under hospice care at age 93 to pass in 6-7 days. Just a day before he started hallucinating/sleeping he was sitting up in his chair and we were chatting. He was still unsure of his salvation (why is a different discussion). So I said "Well pop, we can seal this deal right here and now!" So we prayed. I will see my father again.

Valiant deaths like Leonidas in The 300 or John Wayne in a western is all Hollywood BS, man. We all face our mortality differently and there is no right or wrong way.

The goals are, in order: 1) Don't be subject to a second death and 2) Attempt to live your life in good stewardship of what Christ has given you control of. Seneca wrote that since no man knows his length of days upon the Earth they should strive to make each day as wide as possible.

I hope this practically encourages you and wasn't preachy/churchian. Glad you are here. Hang tough.

Dan

 

[EndlessGravity]

I may have overreacted, but I really did think my life was in danger.

I was going to suggest you might be overreacting. You should reflect on that being my first reaction to your post. Perhaps you have an anxiety disorder or something else but you should consider whether you're manipulating people for attention and sympathy. At best, you should think about how other people are perceiving you that way.