Father-son relationship

22qwert22

Pigeon
I know most threads here are primarily about women. But I wanted to share a little bit and see if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

Basicly I dont get along with my father. Ever since I was young I have feared him and now I am in my mid 20's I dont really talk to him besides hello, and goodnight.

I have been told to move out and will help my father gain some respect for me but I dont think I can, i emotionally support my blind mother who father is toxic towards on a daily basis more or less. And generally the two dont get along and sleep in separate rooms.

Has anyone ever managed to resolve such deep seated issues? I know fathers day is coming up. I dont think we have enough of a relationship where I can take him somewhere maybe just buy him something.
 

tomzestatlu

Kingfisher
So I was recently reached by my father.
My mother divorced him, when I was 1 year old (now I'm 28). He's life time heavy alcohol addict and has gambling issues.
When I was a kid, I used to spend every second weekend in a house, where he lived with his girlfriend of that time. Anyway those days are not about good memories with him, I just spent time with the other kids at house. As I got into teens, we stopped seeing each other.
My mother never talked badly about him, even though he never paid her alimony and I've never seen money from him. There were at least few moments, when he was drunk and called my mother, that he just lost in casino huge amount of money (that could be life-changing for my future). All the inheritance from his father he lost in his debts.
But at the end, my mother always says, that he's not bad person, but only failed to live this life well. He's not able to live as normal person anymore and he looks and sounds like homeless.

He usually reaches me once a year when he's drunk, we arrange a meeting, but he never remembers it. Last time I saw him was few years ago, when they called me to hospital, because he had some brain injury caused by falling on head while being drunk.

I've never felt bad about this. As I've grown older, I realized how much missing my father affected my life, but that's it - I considered myself fatherless. I don't feel anger towards him, I just didn't feel anything. I knew, that some person, who is my biological father exists, but not person, who I consider as my father.

And now he reached me and he's seriously interested in seeing me. And it's more than drunk calls he doesn't remember. He calls me while being sober and hes interested about my life.
I don't know how to approach it. My view of him is probably similar as the view of my mother - he's not bad person, but failed in all areas of life (without never trying to change anything).
On one hand, I don't see a problem in seeing him, but on the other hand, my life and especially childhood was rich of people, who didn't give me good foundation for life. I would say, that my adult life is mostly about actively getting rid of what I carry from my youth. So why should I let him in, when I know, that he can't bring anything positive to my life.

I'm not angry, just confused.
 
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I would recommend that you listen to Jesse Lee Peterson who often speaks in detail about forgiving your parents and letting go of your own feelings of anger or resentment.



I can only speak from a male point-of-view but this is the way to go. At some point you have to understand no matter how bad your parents were or are they're just people, like everyone else and with their flaws. That doesn't mean you hand them over keys to the castle again and it's important to keep their individual hangups in mind. However, you may try being direct with your father...taking him out to eat and telling him you want more of a connection and relationship with him. It may turn out poorly or phenomenally. You won't know until you do it but life's too short otherwise, imho.

I come from a pretty broken, screwed up home by every measure. Sometimes you just have to move on for your own well-being.
 

fortyfive

Woodpecker
I know most threads here are primarily about women. But I wanted to share a little bit and see if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

Basicly I dont get along with my father. Ever since I was young I have feared him and now I am in my mid 20's I dont really talk to him besides hello, and goodnight.

I have been told to move out and will help my father gain some respect for me but I dont think I can, i emotionally support my blind mother who father is toxic towards on a daily basis more or less. And generally the two dont get along and sleep in separate rooms.

Has anyone ever managed to resolve such deep seated issues? I know fathers day is coming up. I dont think we have enough of a relationship where I can take him somewhere maybe just buy him something.
Basically, you have two options. (actually much more, but using manipulative, machiavellian means will prevent you from God's blessings)

1. You can tell him in a normal, respectful way, what is bothering you, and your idea of how to fix it.
2. You can act and behave in a specific way in order to influence his behavior towards you.

For the best result, you can use both.
As a second method, I mean doing something for him what he likes. Take him somewhere, at his favorite place or activity where he wasn't a long time for example. Go with him and have a good, fun time. Avoid discussion around conflict issues. The purpose is to have a good time.

Men are generally much more reluctant to share feelings and thoughts like women, but it doesn't mean, that men are emotionless. They just are hiding it better.
 

FactusIRX

Kingfisher
So I was recently reached by my father.
My mother divorced him, when I was 1 year old (now I'm 28). He's life time heavy alcohol addict and has gambling issues.
When I was a kid, I used to spend every second weekend in a house, where he lived with his girlfriend of that time. Anyway those days are not about good memories with him, I just spent time with the other kids at house. As I got into teens, we stopped seeing each other.
My mother never talked badly about him, even though he never paid her alimony and I've never seen money from him. There were at least few moments, when he was drunk and called my mother, that he just lost in casino huge amount of money (that could be life-changing for my future). All the inheritance from his father he lost in his debts.
But at the end, my mother always says, that he's not bad person, but only failed to live this life well. He's not able to live as normal person anymore and he looks and sounds like homeless.

He usually reaches me once a year when he's drunk, we arrange a meeting, but he never remembers it. Last time I saw him was few years ago, when they called me to hospital, because he had some brain injury caused by falling on head while being drunk.

I've never felt bad about this. As I've grown older, I realized how much missing my father affected my life, but that's it - I considered myself fatherless. I don't feel anger towards him, I just didn't feel anything. I knew, that some person, who is my biological father exists, but not person, who I consider as my father.

And now he reached me and he's seriously interested in seeing me. And it's more than drunk calls he doesn't remember. He calls me while being sober and hes interested about my life.
I don't know how to approach it. My view of him is probably similar as the view of my mother - he's not bad person, but failed in all areas of life (without never trying to change anything).
On one hand, I don't see a problem in seeing him, but on the other hand, my life and especially childhood was rich of people, who didn't give me good foundation for life. I would say, that my adult life is mostly about actively getting rid of what I carry from my youth. So why should I let him in, when I know, that he can't bring anything positive to my life.

I'm not angry, just confused.
Is he sober?
 
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