Found out gf has cheated in the past...

K

KiwiInBudapest

Sparrow
You first ask her how she feels about what she did. She's probably going to assume that you might be concerned if she doesn't make it appear that she feels bad about it so she will probably tell you that "I actually hurt myself more than I hurt the guys, I will always regret it buhuhu".

And then you ask her what changes she has implemented in her life to try and improve her character in that aspect and then you'll get the answer. Most probably she hasn't really done much of anything at all about it like most modern women, but in the unlikely case she tell you she has turned to God, has done Bible studies almost every day and has started to put up lists around the apartment of actions of intrinsic goodness she has done throughout the week - you might give her the benefit of a doubt.

I met a girl like this a few years ago that I was dating and in reality that mini-relationship ended the moment she revealed it to me because even though my gut wanted to rationalize it all, my gut knew it was over and that she's not the type of woman I want to marry. It was like she even sensed what I was thinking.

But I would suggest you tell her why you won't consider it with her. It might have an impact on her to change if she loses a high value man she had a chance on because of that immoral behavior (okay, at least in theory).
 
Rob Banks

Rob Banks

Pelican
From OP's posts (he is OK with an open relationship, and he "disagrees" about bisexuality being a problem), it seems like he is not exactly trying to walk thr Christian path either.

As Roosh has written many articles about, if you want to engage in casual modern dating to satisfy lust, that's fine, but don't be surprised when the girls end up deceiving you and not being marriage material.

In other words, if this girl truly was a marriage-worthy God-fearing woman, would she really be casually dating and fornicating with a foreign man?
 
polar

polar

Pelican
Gold Member
Zikibala said:
I’ve been living abroad with a girl I met there for about half a year now. i knew she was no angel and neither am I so it didn’t bother me too much until I learnt that she’s cheated 2/3 times in the past on different exes, one being recently about a year ago. Made me view her in a completely different way and I’m not sure I can allow a girl like that into my life in an emotional way....

Thoughts?
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I'm late to the party but I thought I'd add a few points that might be of help to you or others.

People can change for the better. But if she's not willing to be honest about the situations and can't point to (considerable) personal work that she's done to change who she was, then you're just hoping that you don't end up at the butt end of the same situations that drove her to cheat before.
  • First of all, consider how serious you are about the relationship. Be honest with yourself. If you're not interested in her, don't bother - downgrade the relationship (and enjoy, until it falls apart), or get out.
    • How old are you, how old is she? If you're both early-mid twenties, be honest with maturity levels and how serious you both are about it.
    • If you haven't let her in emotionally yet after 6 months, what would need to change about it? Are you actually interested in continuing to develop the relationship? Is this just a convenience thing for you, just to have a warm body around?
    • "Living abroad" sounds like it's a transient situation. Are you sufficiently interested?
    • Is the rest of her someone you're interested in seeing long term?
    • Is she similarly interested in you?
    • Is this is one of the few blemishes for her personality or are there other red flags?
  • If the macro situation is good, you can spend energy on digging into the cheating.
    • How did you find out? Did she volunteer to tell you about it (better) or did you find out from mutual friends (bad) or incidentally (possibly worse)?
    • In what situation(s) did she step out? What are the reasons she did so?
    • Who were the guys she cheated with, how did she meet them? Are they still in her life? (if so, why?) Is she still in touch (if yes, red flag, she'll probably say no either way) Do they still reach out (even bigger red flag - shows a lack of boundaries)
    • Have a serious conversation. Be aware that you'll get responses where she'll protect her ego, so step 1 is gathering the information, step 2 is processing it and stripping the layers of rationalizations.
    • Figure out what her psychological triggers were, what kind of stressors drove her to do it. Were these one-time events (death in the family led her to seek comfort), or something that is likely to recur (I was unhaaaappy, stress at work)?
    • A follow-on conversation would be about what kind of personal work, self-improvement, psychological counseling (religion, etc.) has she done to work on her mindfulness and learn new habits and processes for dealing with those stressors. She needs to 1) figure out the root drivers and 2) develop healthier ways of dealing with them.
  • If you make it through that, lay down some rules and expectations that she'd need to abide by in order for you to stick around.
    • e.g. no contact with anyone she's been with, make it clear you don't want her to get close with male orbiters especially when you're not around (but he's just a frieeeeend! Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England)
  • Be willing to leave if your lines are crossed.
 
A

Amwolf

Robin
Zikibala said:
It feels like a shame to throw what we have away at this point. It’s not necessarily a ‘conventional’ relationship, she’s into the idea of girls which I said I have no problem with and have talked about the idea of when I’m travelling it being more of an open relationship etc but still trust is a fundamental part of this all.

I’m far from a beta though so just trying to not be blinded by pussy. I know what I bring to the table.
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There are so many of things wrong with this "relationship" and I'm going to do you a service by saying that it should be ended immediately. Women who fall to their prideful passions are being controlled by demons, and that wont change until they seek Christ. Further, as others have mentioned, women who seek sexual pleasure from other women are broken. You can't fix a broken woman as she must be willing to fix herself first. I'm telling you from firsthand experience that you should walk away from this woman as she's emotionally, physically, and spiritually unavailable.
 
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Papaya

Papaya

Peacock
Gold Member
This relationship peaked the first time OP had sex with her. Its been a dubious asset from the beginning but its definitely been diminishing return since.

The human capacity to rationalize is boundless.

Hers for "cheating" in the past is only exceeded OP's for continuing
 
stugatz

stugatz

Pelican
Sadly, men who are willing to cheat with women in relationships is a major part of this problem - the thirst is just too great.

Even before I found the church again, I wasn’t keen on doing that when opportunities came up...it’s just such bad juju, and it’ll become a part of your reputation.
 
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